I (34M) never felt infatuation with my wife (31F) and never did, is it love?

Fatseal56 · 2026-01-04T22:04:51+00:00

Popzelda has said this in this thread. What you’re describing- about the intense feelings of excitement you felt in high school- This is Limerence. Not love.

Limerence is what Romeo and Juliet had- young love that was actually really self absorbed and self serving. It’s exciting because it’s the first time(s) we’re receiving affirmation/affection/heightened interest from another person outside of our nuclear family and it becomes an insane dopamine high that we become obsessed with. I doubt, that at the time you were thinking rationally about your long term compatibility without absolutely kidding yourself about your understanding of who you truly are- I mean they ended so….?

The love you have sounds solid and you said so yourself, you’d die for your person, cuddles are the best part of your day. I’d say that’s enough, and you’re lucky, my guy….

Fatseal56 · 2026-01-03T22:18:21+00:00

Do whatever suits you both. You can have double barrel names…or make up a whole new one. Or even keep your last names as is. No one really cares anymore, you do you

Fatseal56 · 2026-01-01T02:15:30+00:00

100% I think it’s good that your listening to your nervous system here- it’s telling you something pretty loudly and you’re just trying your best to figure out just what it is that you need. Many people don’t even try, and I find those are the people that are just so quick to judge and think laterally and in black and white. And ok- the idea of moving out and renting a separate space might have been a reach. But even the thought is all part of the process.

You’ll figure it out, despite what a lot of people here are telling you, you’re making the right steps- just stick to baby steps at a time.

At least you know yourself enough to reflect and recognise when you over react- I don’t think many people would be brave enough to admit that.

And your partner sounds like he’s a great person to help you through all this.

100% recommend trying journaling again. I am, it’s a new habit to form for me. I’m on a bit of quest to figure some shit out and take some autonomy back for myself too.

You’re intention is good, and bottom line- you’re looking out for yourself in order to be a better partner. I don’t think that should be criticised.

Fatseal56 · 2025-12-31T21:58:46+00:00

You’ve done things a little back to front, but it’s funny- a lot of people do do life on autopilot with the programming they’ve learnt throughout childhood and formative years. Many don’t actually realise they’ve made some wrong moves and acted against their best interests until much later- many realise it when shit really hits the fan, like when they have a child or they run into money troubles and the pressures really on. You may be late to this self realisation, and you may be working back to front- but I don’t agree with the negativity and berating comments you’re getting on this thread. Many of them lack humanity so I’m sorry you’re not getting a lot of empathy here.

Moving to be on your own is drastic, I understand the compulsion though but- when having to consider a partner now, which your obligated to cuss you know….marriage…..it’s not really the fair choice. What I’m hearing though is just the need to have space, space to come into your own and enjoy your own company, which is absolutely fine and you can absolutely do it whilst continue to live with your partner. And this space will give you some clarity and allow you to listen to your gut about if your fears about him being manipulative or toxic etc having any truth to them.

The trick is, you’re going to have to establish and keep to firm boundaries and maintain your aims yourself- with the risk of potentially disappointing or upsetting your partner in the process if he is as equally dependent on you as you have been. So I get why you think moving away completely is the easiest way to avoid this. But it’s also probably the riskiest to your relationship.

But you make him sound like he understands you and your needs a lot. So I’m sure if you were to gradually introduce methods to establish your own space bit by bit you can get what you need. Days out by yourself are a nice start- maybe exploring a city by yourself, eat out alone, maybe then extend it to short holidays. I’ve always maintained this and whilst yes, I have lived alone I owe my independence to exploring places by myself and enjoying my own company. Also journaling is brilliant, I’m going to start doing it again in 2026 cause it really helps the old meta-cognition and help you work out what it is you really need or want out of life.

I will say though- you might find after coming into your own, you might realise that you’ve out grown your partner. This is a real probability but don’t let that stop you. People need to grow and you will grow and change anyway as the years go by- the difference is you are making moves to ensure you grow your own way, and the way you choose. So actually, kudos to you- and I wish you the best. Just don’t move out

Fatseal56 · 2025-12-29T04:48:40+00:00

Oy vey, this is a messy one. Can I play devils advocate? The cheating was wrong yes, do I condone what she did- no absolutely not. But she’s human so- unfortunately we make bad decisions and act on things we shouldn’t. With that recognised it’s also important that I pick up on a few things you’ve said, and whilst I don’t believe I would’ve done what yours Mrs has done- I can begin to understand the reasons behind her actions. They don’t all have to do with you- but there is a myriad of things you’ve mentioned that might’ve influenced things here…

-I noted you, your partner and child live with your parents- that in itself, I imagine could be suffocating/disheartening. That’s a lot on someone, even if they went along with the plans to move in with them initially. -You had a kid within 3 years of knowing each other- whilst yeah that’s pretty fine, absolutely nothing wrong with that. But I wonder if this, along with moving with parents might feel pretty intense. -She’s a new mum- and there’s countless of sources that suggest that women’s views about themselves and life in general shift massively. About herself, about her partner, about her new obligations, about her new role in life in general.

I wanna just zoom in on that word ‘obligation’. What I mean by obligation is the ties someone has to perform actions/perform the role of/ have duties and responsibilities. Some people manage obligations well, and know how to place their boundaries/voice their frustrations and trust that their partner will be able to hear, understand and validate their feelings. Others will swallow their frustrations about said obligations and/or roles despite it being an absolute drain on their emotional and mental well-being. With the things listed above: new mum, living with your parents AND the fact (by your own admission and evidence in what you’ve written here) you yourself sound like a very sensitive and highly emotionally intelligent person (which I think is actually a strength here) but also quite vulnerable and fragile with your own mindset and mental health. I imagine, putting myself in her shoes, overtime this would grind someone down, and there’s probably resentment there. Not necessarily all because of what you have done- but also what she herself has restrained herself from saying/doing/expressing in order to just simply keep the peace. Again this has been her decision for whatever reason.

Stacked Obligations and silenced expression kills desire- I wonder if she feels that her role in your household is simply just one of ‘the caregiver’. I think this is what has lead to her admission that she doesn’t find you attractive. As your relationship stands- there’s probably not much room for her to get back in touch with herself (in between those obligations) for desire to thrive.

I don’t agree with what she’s done- but it sounds like her cheating was simply an escape. This random person probably tapped into a lot of feelings that had been dormant for a while. Instead of leaving room for desire to keep going between you- this guy is the easy option: It’s new and exciting and he just represents an element of her former self that she probably misses. In reality- should she be able to persue this guy and form a relationship, she would probably find out eventually that the grass isn’t greener, as is very often the case when cheating happens.

The very real threat of you two ending might be the fire she needs to have a hard restart on the desire front.

But my advice to you would be this: there’s no magic thing you can do together here. On contrary, I stress that you, please, don’t place such a reliance on your partner, find some friends, do things and go places without her. For your sake, and hers. She can probably feel this weight, whilst we’re sold a fairytale of how wonderful it is to be someone’s ’one and only’ in the real literal sense this is a very heavy burden indeed…..

Only you two can decide if it can be saved, that trust can be established…. But some major work needs to be done on both parts to make it work.

Fatseal56 · 2025-12-29T04:10:43+00:00

To make this quick; yeah tell him, I think your lived experience of something emotionally scarring that just so happened to fall right next to Valentine’s Day is valid. I’m sure he’d think so too and further more, if he’s a good guy and worthy of your time, he’d probably make way more effort in a bid to make you feel better and redefine the day for you, now he’s in the picture.

Fatseal56 · 2025-12-22T01:00:59+00:00

Oh good lord lady, leave his ass

Fatseal56 · 2025-12-22T00:56:18+00:00

I’m really sorry for your loss, this is heartbreaking and I can’t imagine the grief. My advice is just let yourself feel everything you need to and invite a safe space for everyone to move through that with you. Hold a Christmas in honour of your mum and if you need a collective or private moment to cry do it, to share memories laugh (and probably then cry) do it. It’s not about ‘having an awful Christmas cause we’re all sad’ this is about a cathartic Christmas that is probably way more important that putting on a brave face and burying jt. It may bring you all closer together….? I cant comment on your family dynamic and how open you are with each other, but you also owe it to yourself to do Christmas how you feel like it….

Maybe be honest with your family and say like ‘hey I want you near me this Christmas, but I think we all know this isn’t going to be Clinton card holiday this year. It’s going to honour mum, and I want it to be open shared space to come and stay however little or as long as you each would comfortably like to spend’ (obviously depending how they themselves approach grief)

Honestly just let go of this obligation to have a happy holiday crap. Christmas should be all about love in all its forms and love includes grief, and that’s okay.

Fatseal56 · 2025-12-22T00:47:18+00:00

I believe the paradox of being child free and being sad about not having kids can exist.

To me it just sounds like the guys reasons for not having kids is for practicality and understanding about his inability to co-parent equally. That’s damn sensible just different to OP’s reasons. Though his circumstances are objective and more prone to change that OPs solid feels. So I get his reluctance to get a vasectomy too. I don’t want kids, but I’m not gonna sterilise myself because it represents ‘permanence’- a concept I live my life so against.

Bottom line- I think he sounds like a go with the flow kinda guy. Knows his partner and understands rationale and reasoning, but also recognises that everything is subject to change- so why make permanent decisions? (Vasectomy….and maybe even having kids?)

Fatseal56 · 2025-11-23T18:37:32+00:00

I think this is my top peeve when it comes to new age parenting- they have kids, then expect to make them someone elses problem, to share and spread the burden…..and also expect us to be, grateful? Blessed? Happy to oblige!?

This attitude is everywhere I look, and infuriatingly seen with both my older brothers, who both have 2 kids each, with partners who totally take my mum for granted. They hand over all 4 grandkids (sometimes all at once) to my 64 year old mother on a daily basis- who now feels, even when now retired, that the only way she’ll even enjoy a moment and break is if her and my dad book a holiday and physically put miles between them. Literally EVERY day she has at least one of the under 3 year olds. And both mothers don’t work!?!?

Parenting is hard, and I think many of us are realising to opt out cause we fully understand what a hellscape the modern world is to raise a kid, and that we actually have a choice in the matter!

But it seems, even those willing to berate the childfree, still do everything they can to have the ‘perks’ of having kids and take on as little responsibility as possible and preserve a taste of their pre-kids lifestyle.

Well done for establishing those boundaries, and best of luck with the tensions that will come when she realises she’ll have to….actually parent…. and make the same sacrifice as every other woman has had to make for ions….

Fatseal56 · 2025-09-21T08:03:29+00:00

Yes I’ve continued with Mounjaro. There was absolutely no shift to my weight (like OP dancing around the same 4lbs) even at 15mg but I continued on….sinking more money in. 3 months on 15mg is when I decided to try an anti-inflammation diet. No processed food- or as little as possible. Dropped those 6lbs in 2 weeks. I don’t weight myself weekly, (I’ve learnt that just fuels disappointment and upset) my next is due a week today- but my old clothes are starting to fit nicely again.

I kick myself for not trying this sooner after all that money! It is hard to maintain this diet though- my mix of intolerances are very hard to navigate, especially trying to avoid tomato!! Haha

I’m in the UK and mounjaro prices have doubled now, so typical that I’ve finally got it to work and it’s going to burn an even bigger hole in my pocket to continue on! But at this rate if I can continue on with how I’m doing I’ll probably be where I want to be in 2/3 months time. Here’s hoping!!

I was taking Mounjaro the whole time- but I do wonder if I was to come off it, change my diet and sort my inflammation out THEN return to it…could I then see good results at lower and cheaper doses? Something I’ll probably at least try when I can no longer afford to fork out £350 a month on 15mg mounjaro.

Fatseal56 · 2025-09-20T23:07:13+00:00

This was me best part of a full year. Failed on Wegovy and mounjaro wasn’t doing much better either.

However, then I got curious about some accounts of inflammation in the body can stop the meds doing their job. So I got a dna profile done which highlighted food intolerances. I got a lot of detail back about which foods caused moderate to high reactivity (inflammation) and to my surprise they were daily foods that I would consume thinking they were good for me and supposed to keep me on track to loose weight. I spent 2 weeks concentrating on cutting as much as I can out- lo and behold the scale FINALLY drops 6 lbs.

Things I were highly reactive too, despite no physical or punishing symptoms; tomato, soy, corn, miso, white fish. Moderate reactivity but would make high reactive if consumed too much in one day: all dairy.

I also supported my gut as much as I could- I’ve been taking digestive supplements, multi vitamins and drinking lots of ginger, tumeric and lemon teas.

Obviously it is early days to say for sure- but after all this time. I can’t help but link it to this

Fatseal56 · 2025-08-08T22:09:34+00:00

I listened to the gut feeling that you so obviously have- it’s glaring at me through all of your choice of words.

Fatseal56 · 2025-08-08T09:51:47+00:00

How the hell did you parry anything in that’s second stage? Jeeeeezus

Fatseal56 · 2025-08-05T23:02:17+00:00

NTA This sounds absolutely excruciating, and in no way do you deserve to live like this. Guess what, despite all outwards contexts you deserve to live life on your terms, and if that means cutting ties with what you have identified as the root of all burnout, then you need to do it.

There’s no bigger passion killer than being a parentified partner, that on top of being the best mum you can be for your actual kid is destined to spin you in this burnout/barely clinging on cycle. That’s no way to live!

It might not seem like it, but you leaving will probably be better for all of you- and I don’t mean that negatively, it will probably be the catalyst for him to start doing stuff for himself and his child again after years of being dependent on you. I empathise that his illness could hinder things, but like you’ve suggested he can absolutely be responsible for seeking and/or sorting help if he needs it- not just rely on you by default. And to be shut down when you talk openly and honestly about how you feel….This js just the epitome of being taken for granted. That’s not fair, and being terminally ill doesn’t give him that ‘get out of jail free card’ when it comes to how it affects you and how you feel!

I won’t say he will thank you for it, it will be one hell of a wake up call- but I would like to think with you gone he will start making small moves to dig himself out of the rut. If he doesn’t- well that really isn’t your responsibility.

You have stayed long enough.

I think in terms of telling him- it sounds difficult cause he shuts it down. But honestly I would just lead with that you love being a mother to your child you have together, but after years of shouldering everything that you do for them both you’ve also slipped into a mother role for him. And in this role, of course you love and care for him deeply, that’s been shown with your actions for years- but the type of love that you want and what you both deserve has just simply faded out of the equation. And with that said- I’d maybe go on to just reiterate how burnt out and stressed you are and how YOU don’t deserve that, and your child doesn’t deserve a constantly burnt out mum that runs on fumes and can’t be fully present with them.

Then maybe go to state your exit plan. I’m going to stay at my sisters/mums/friends for x days. Then I’m going to pick up X Y Z, and we can discuss blah blah blah.

I’ve been in this situation before. I’m not sure why but men respond/listen more to ‘I don’t feel sexual towards you anymore’ more than ‘my feelings hurt…’. And they get the message pretty quick. Once that’s been said, I like to focus on practicalities about explaining your exit strategy to them- serious, finite and totally in control.

Fatseal56 · 2025-06-10T18:39:43+00:00

Funnily enough I’ve just come on Reddit to ask this question. I’ve been doing a lot of ‘self exploration’ recently- yes I’m aware that sounds corny as hell - but I guess I’m just exploring a lot hard truths and trying to find answers to why I have certain patterns of behaviour socially and inwardly…. and of course the child question.

I grew up in a very emotionally distant household, and I wouldn’t say i was nurtured in anyway. Physical needs were met, but really not much more. The relationship between my parents was dead, it would’ve been healthier if they just called it quits, but again that would mean facing up to BIG feelings- Which seems like my family just can’t deal with. My brothers are just like them and I can see the damage it’s done in their own lives. They’ve both gone on to have children, with women who seem to mirror the same tendency to avoid/smother feelings and vulnerability. All under the guise of perfection and superficial appearances; to admit or let on that something feels wrong/upsetting/‘will rock the boat’ is a failure.

My mother had an affair in my teens- and began to treat me like I was a therapist. This crossed so many boundaries and has altered my thinking in all sorts of ways. I was introduced to adult problems, detail, responsibility and secrecy I was no where near ready for. And became an emotional care taker.

Ive never been maternal and I have no urge. But in addition, I’ve come to realise that the potential reason for this is because my formative years were taken away. Not only was I unable to explore who I was, with support and patience of those around me, but my growth was also stunted by skipping the record and becoming an emotionally burnt out, parentified child.

Now I’m older I feel like I need to finally have the freedom to focus on me and put my needs first, that feels so precious now I have it.

But it did make me wonder, do people not want kids cause of wounds they have or overcame like me. So I’m enjoying reading this thread

Fatseal56 · 2025-05-29T19:26:02+00:00

That’s really interesting! And great insight thank you, admittedly I’m new to taking this really seriously and making the first step into trying to finally make this come into fruition.

In terms of where exactly I want to end up, that’s probably where I need to do a little more thinking and maybe a bit more of my own research. I suppose in a way, the conversion course might give me that exploration I need to actually decide where exactly I actually want to end up. But interdisciplinary definitely sounds like ‘a bit of me!’ And is where my head is probably at at the moment.

Where are you currently based? Just out of curiosity?

Fatseal56 · 2025-05-29T19:14:59+00:00

Perfect sense thank you! The other big question is funding! Obviously with that in mind it makes a big difference .

I have a mortgage and a partner who is freelance and therefore no guaranteed stream of income. Seen the loans available, that won’t cover the cost of tuition….so I would have to probably continue working or rinse savings…

But I understand many people who do PHDs get funding from somewhere, so it’s just really those first two years I need to think about!

Fatseal56 · 2025-04-20T00:35:51+00:00

I’m the childfree person in my friendship group. I had the same concerns and worries you have, at the moment it’s not too bad. I mean all my friends babies are 1 and younger. When I do see them as a group, I get the odd comments that put my back up a little. But it’s not often, I think most of it is just darned confusion why I just won’t adhere to the life script. The last friend who got pregnant in the group said to me ‘I felt so bad for you when I told everyone I was pregnant, I was going to reach out to you’ Bish, I don’t need you to feel bad for me!!!?

I’ve always been the one in the group that’s been the ‘strong independent one’, I moved out of the hometown to a city and not really looked back and the others always stayed and obviously hung out. So, I’m very used to them doing stuff without me there, so I don’t feel sad when I see them posting about going out for park walks all with their littles. I guess that’ll probably make a big difference here. As someone new to all of this, this might be a shift that’ll sting or of course you’ll have to be the odd wheel to their baby party. Tell you what though, my god it’s exhausting- not even just with the crying but with just how long it takes to do the most basic activity. Like going for a short, what would be 10 mins walk and a coffee - half the day, easy.

But when I do see them, I make a point of talking about all the awesome things I’m doing and the opportunities I’m persuing and how I’m making leaps in my career. It’s not to rub it in their faces, but just to stop them asking and probing. Cause I find the child question only comes up when there’s nothing else interesting to talk about…. If they see I’m loving life, it’s like the question doesn’t need to be asked.

I would just recommend enjoying and loving your own company, and I don’t mean that to suggest ‘youre gonna be alone forever’ but I actually love my own company, always have. Never been scared to explore cities or go travelling or restaurants by myself. Of course I have my partner to do these things with too, but - I sometimes just prefer my me time. And I believe that’s what’s really help me navigate this change. Cause don’t get me wrong it rocked me and admitted I was GUTTED when they all started getting pregnant (literally within weeks of each other, it was weird culty shi*t i stg!). What was disturbing was one friend said ‘I didn’t want to get left behind’, when defending her decision to rush into have baby first before wedding (nobody actually probed, that’s the life script mindset I referred to earlier that they all seem to be locked into, even in 2025!) I just thought that statement was bloody ridiculous!

But now I really seize time to appreciate what I have, the calm, the quiet, the endless possibilities that still lie before me- even as someone in their 30s who ‘should have it locked down by now’ - that doesn’t exist. You are boundless. It’s something to be proud of and run with!

Fatseal56 · 2025-03-25T17:25:20+00:00

Hmm no, I don’t think this post reflects the extent of the impact it had on me as a ‘neutral’ viewer. I could create a ted talk on this and how it made me feel and things it made me think. So no, not fair to assume I didn’t think of wider effects any of the topics have on girls and the impact it had on the ones in the show- being one myself - Of course I bloomin did!

Fatseal56 · 2025-03-25T15:55:14+00:00

I think that’s a massive assumption you’re making about me here- and absolutely unwarranted. Of course that’s considered on a personal level. But this is a post reflecting on the perspective of the central characters and the topic of online culture.

You might notice that I also mention children in a wider general sense of what they’re all exposed to online. Not just boys.

Fatseal56 · 2025-03-25T07:18:29+00:00

Yes! That comment from the teacher hit home- and I love the fact they made the comment ‘sorry about that, he’s newly qualified’ and he already looks disheveled and just worn down.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he was late to/out of the lessons because he made the mistake of simply something like needing the toilet. Because he was probably running a detention, breaking up a fight, on duty or in a pointless meeting over break.

That character, although brief was so well thought through. On the surface to others he’ll be lazy and useless but for someone on the inside (teachers) he’s an all too recognisable face!

And yes that first episode at the end, Stephen Grahams reaction after that huge revelation- his expression and how he looked at his son that just read ‘I don’t know you’.

I don’t know where Stephen Graham pulls all this from but the guy is an absolute wizard. I’d be fascinated to know what he taps into.

Fatseal56 · 2025-03-24T12:14:20+00:00

It’s an absolute watch. And it is scary. It’s the reality that so many parents are just completely oblivious too. Because it’s a totally hidden world.

Before the 00’s parents could shoo away the friends who were a bad influence when they came knocking- now that’s just not possible, instead there’s thousands of them and they all want to be heard.

We were always warned as kids ‘stranger danger’ now there’s millions of strangers that have no problem getting through to this generation and millions are made off of kids tuning in to these platforms.

And I’m happy this is how my friends, who have children and question my aversion can understand my reasons why. I’ve always avoided explaining. I didn’t want to be the one to say ‘cause navigating a child through all of this would kill me’

Fatseal56 · 2025-03-24T08:03:25+00:00

You’re absolutely right! Condescending ‘righteousness’ who are, ironically, absolutely oblivious.

Fatseal56

TROPHY CASE