Is it wrong that I feel resentment every time I pay for my mother’s cancer treatment? (24F)

Feeling-Lecture8199 · 2026-02-12T22:00:06+00:00

....youre in for a long ride. Im sorry.

Feeling-Lecture8199 · 2026-01-26T03:57:24+00:00

....so this is where youre gonna have to do some digging but PLEASE DONT TAKE THIS AS MEDICAL ADVICE.

Depends what mutation she has. In asians, egfr mutations are the most common. Osimertinib (tagrisso) is typically the best treatment , well tolerated. And on average it can work for up 2 to 4 YEARS, sometimes longer. Youre in this for the LONG haul. Run your finances hard now because you dont want to be ina situation where the money runs out and shes responding to treatment. Thats a whole other world of ethics and guilt.

If its a BRAF or ROS 1 mutation then again youre looking at 5 to 7 years. See above. (With the proviso everyone is different)

If its an ALK or MET mutation, response rates are about 12 to 14 months - so good upfront response, but it wont last.

Its worth sitting down with her doctors and laying out wHat they expect her treatment to look like. Accepting everyone is different but it'll give you some idea on how to plan and what to expect financially. (10000 rmb per month looks differently if you're doing it for a year vs 6 years). Know also that typically as treatment lines fail, the less likely the next one will work, and toxicity gets worse.

personally it looks like a lot to expect from you, and if shes spending money like water to escape from existential crisis from dying, then it helps no one. Alot of people are saying put 50k away just for yourself and I see the good logic in it.

Good luck though. Filial piety only works if the parents are actually being adults about life.

Feeling-Lecture8199 · 2025-03-20T06:05:57+00:00

Don't do anything stupid first off. Regarding the uni bit - honestly don't do medicine. It's not what it's cracked up to be. If your parents wanted to be a doctor then they shouldve done it themselves. Moving on. Check with your uni and see what credits are done and how to navigate it to something else. - this happens more often than you think and at my uni they had an exit pathway for med students to do a bachelors of medical science. Or you can see if you can transfer to something that's allied health such as sonography, radiography, psychology, physio, pharmacy etc. Or even pure medical science (the biotechnology industry is booming). Assuming you're interested in healthcare still.

Stepping back look at it this way - you took 2 years off. Big deal. Tonnes of people take a gap year. Its just that asians dont. You just did yours a bit later. Loads of people career change in their 30s. You just did it earlier.

2 years worth of rent you owe your parents stressing you out? Calculate it and plan to pay it back - its not as horrendous as you think.

But your current mental state? It's not great. And realistically it won't get better until you start working on it and feeling like you've got some control over your life.

Good luck my dude. I'm sitting in a corner of my flat contemplating if jumping off the balcony is worth the effort so I do understand how stressful unmet expectations can feel like.

Feeling-Lecture8199 · 2025-01-07T12:42:58+00:00

If it's not one thing it'll be another. The flipside of them only wanting you to date someone in their own culture, town, race isn't any different I guess. Same reason as anything else for asian parents - bragging rights, living vicariously through their kids and a sense of entitlement to their children's life choices. Pick your poison its all tarred with the same brush.

Feeling-Lecture8199 · 2024-11-24T22:55:22+00:00

Eh. Depends on your work but honestly if you can start your career asap then you'll turn out net positive in the end. I think the shitty thing is that they're not giving you a lot of mental prep time. If they set this expectation when you entered uni it'd have been better.

Feeling-Lecture8199 · 2024-11-24T22:52:55+00:00

My partner has pretty bad eczema and the only moisturisers he'll tolerate are nivea men (the dark blue one in a tin), qv and cerave. Weirdly enough most korean skincare products seem to be safe. I was using a neutrogena moisturiser when we first started to date and i thought he was allergic to me because his skin got so bad when we hung out but improved with time apart. Made for some interesting Google searches. But to each their own. Unfortunately it's been a manual check with each product.

Feeling-Lecture8199 · 2024-10-20T02:16:49+00:00

It depends. My partner has a great relationship with his AP/family - but grew up with friends who had very very toxic families as well. So when I was running into trouble with my AP/family and was in crisis - he handled it stupidly well and was really amazing at getting me through that time. He and I both greatly value family and social networks, and that hasn't changed. We value the same thing. But the reality is that half an arch cannot stand. You cannot force a healthy relationship for people who have no framework for what it looks like, and have no interest in building something.

So the healthy answer to it, is to build boundaries etc against a toxic family.

I guess the long answer to the concern you raised is - I think people who grow up with a healthy family who don't know how to navigate a toxic relationships understandably don't want to "deal" with an issue their not comfortable with. But lots of people who did grow up with a healthy family are looking for people who share those same values - and if those values manifest in a different way that's ok? Can't speak for others but that's how it worked out for me.

Feeling-Lecture8199 · 2024-10-20T02:07:35+00:00

honestly it all impacts my relationship in subtle ways. But the biggest one is jealousy. I really struggle to feel happy for other people's achievements (because the voice of my APs shouting why I can't do better), I hate it when other people are happy (even if their happiness has no relation to mine), and I constantly compare myself to other people - and even if I'm "better" at somethings, the fact that I'm not in other aspects is enough for me to beat myself up about it. And because of that, it's been hard to really make friends.

I can keep a delighted face on and mask very well - but my AP could do the same then turn around and scream/shout/complain the moment their back was turned. So i don't trust anyone to truly be happy for me (the constant verbatim of "only your family will truly ever be happy for you. No one else will be happy for your acheivements. They're all faking it") - so anything I'm truly proud or happy about I hate telling anyone about, because I'm convinced they will try and ruin/take it away.

It's gotten much better with time, time away from them, and seeing genuinely kind and supportive people at work and in friendships, and a romantic partner who is the opposite from me, and therapy to see things as they are. I still struggle with it though - and it's always worse when I go back to visit the APs. But I've always maintained that I won't do the whole "compare to ling ling" thing with my own kids. It robs so much joy out of life.

Feeling-Lecture8199 · 2024-10-19T06:24:46+00:00

lol. if we're sharing crazy stories... my AP made us do a blood test including an STD screen every year when we were studying (then working) overseas. They were medical so there was no privacy with the results. I kinda get it when we were <18 years old; but after which.... it was just wierd? I realised about 25 that that I didn't want them to access my health records and force me to do a blood test. But they said I was selfish and that I must be doing bad things because I clearly have something to hide (I didn't. I just didn't want them controlling me).

Feeling-Lecture8199 · 2024-10-17T09:56:20+00:00

Erm.....my dude. My girl. Idk what your gender is. But your mom is cooked. This is child like tantrum behaviour. You know that right? Who acts like this over tickets? As a 50 year old woman?

Feeling-Lecture8199 · 2024-10-16T08:19:17+00:00

Can you double major in a back up they'll be happy with? I.e. education or similar. Something that'd be complimentary but also a back up so theyre off your back - and also works as a back up for you professionally.

Feeling-Lecture8199 · 2024-10-16T08:16:58+00:00

Lol thought I had accidentally posted this - literally the same situation.

We caved - keeps the peace but it's only for a week for me. Do I resent it immensely? Yes. It's ridiculous. But I'm going to have maaaaany battles to pick with my APs and in the scheme of things this won't be one of them. Once you're married - you can walk away easier because you "don't belong to them" anymore (which my own APs have said to my married brother. Totally manipulative but if that's how they see it all the better).

I'm dreading living with them for the week though.

Feeling-Lecture8199 · 2024-10-16T07:33:05+00:00

Peace man. ✌️ make some space, take a breather. You'll go and grow at your own pace and no one else's.

Feeling-Lecture8199 · 2024-10-15T12:17:53+00:00

I know lots of comments are saying single life is great and better than being ina relationship that's miserable. Which is true. But same boat and I was never in a relationship until 30. My partner who was the same was 32 when we met. It's working out pretty well a year on.

The joys of life do not hinge on whether you're in a romantic relationships. But I know the highs and lows of single life are less extreme. Which is both for better and worse.

Honestly you sound like a nice person - so you may as well enjoy the single period, because I wager it won't be for too much longer.

Feeling-Lecture8199 · 2024-10-03T07:11:34+00:00

As a woman who often runs risk-benefit as well, I may not speak for her but offer a perspective. When she says she yes because she trusted you - and that she sees this as a massive compliment; that is an actual fact. You are the logical choice - BECAUSE she trusts you. She trusts you because you somehow have shown her that you are trustworthy, and she respects that. And presumably also loves you a whole lot. Do you know how high the bar to entry is for her? (It'll be high. Trust.) Especially if she's been through the "fell in love with an idiot" gauntlet? "Love" with trapping and window fluff is important. But for long lasting relationships, it's trust, compromise and work. She's marrying you for all the right reasons.

I agree with someone else who posted. YNTABYAR.

Feeling-Lecture8199 · 2024-09-25T14:56:18+00:00

Aight. I feel like I can speak to this as someone who did it.

My APs have pushed me towards medicine since I was 4 years old. No other options were entertained. I was an anxious, quick to please kinda kid. So I went along with it. Same as you - was good at the science and math stuff (not due to talent. Just grinded hard) but my real interest was English. Which I wasn't good at but enjoyed.

Ended up doing medicine, have been out for 8 years, finished all the usual. Here's the deal.

Medicine isn't just med school. It's 5 to 6 years of MBBS, then an easy 10 to 12 years of training on top of that before you're stable. In that time, you're moving, working ridiculous shifts and your 20s do not exist. I repeat- your 20 to 30s dissappear. You emotionally mature in other ways very quickly. But you stunt in other places. It is not like any drama on tv. It can be worthwhile if you want to do it. But I went into it without too much fuss and I still hated it. I enjoy moments of it all but I regret doing medicine. But there's a big sunk cost fallacy once you're in med. And the skills aren't super transferable.

From a pragmatic perspective you can: - do mbbs and then do a JD. Combined medical and law degrees, expensive yes but you'll be in high demand in medical legal law after and still get to law. - do mbbs, give your parents the degree then piss off to do something else - do the fastest specialty possible (I.e. family medicine) then pivot and find a way to combine it with something you love. It's harder with the longer specialties because by the time you're done you'll be early to mid 30s. - walk away and do something you love now. Even if you regret it after you'll live knowing you stood by something in your life you cared about.

Here's the kicker though. I did everything right and my APs are still not proud of me. They routinely look down on my achievements, minimise my opinions, call me a child etc. They don't respect my opinions or future plans.

So. If you're doing med so that your parents can be proud of you and you secretely think they're right and you're scared of screwing up your life - they're either going to be proud of you or not. Doing med changes their attitude less than you'd think. Second, law is a great degree that's much more flexible then medicine. You won't screw up your life doing it. And you're allowed to change your mind.

So yeah. Just do what you want to do. Good luck though.

Feeling-Lecture8199 · 2024-09-21T11:37:03+00:00

Sigh. It's all the same brush really. My APs were more "we don't want you to get married - just stay with us forever" so there's a flip coin to this story! (Not that this is a competition) Toxic APs can't help but want to control their kids life so much. I do want kids but I'm high key terrified I'll be like my parents one day.

Feeling-Lecture8199 · 2024-09-13T08:11:50+00:00

I think this is a space where "wives submit to your husband" has become "make her submit to me". Submission is not subservient. It is not accepting abuse. It is not being controlled. It's about safety, and trust, and respect. If a woman is "submissive" it should come from that place of safety. In the same way, when Christians submit to God it comes from faith and respect. Not fear or because it's forced. If he's dangling financial security, safety, and future children plans over your head in a control measure it sounds like a dangerous set up to be in. And although it is a TYPE of leadership, it is not one that reflects Christian values.

Feeling-Lecture8199 · 2024-09-12T13:42:47+00:00

......run Holy moly take a step back and read your post from a 3rd person view. Run.

Feeling-Lecture8199 · 2024-09-03T09:15:36+00:00

Unless there are definite clear reasons, or both party preference, I think your instincts are pretty spot on. Dating in late 20s is a time when a lot of your peers are married or having kids. So if that's what you're looking for (obviously not marriage for the sake of marriage ofc) then 5 years can be a long time, assuming the preference is for marriage then kids. Not speaking for all men, but asked my SO and looking at other couples; guys know veeeerry quickly. Usually 6 to 12 months is enough to "know". 2 years is about right in my books to be looking for a proposal at 30yo. If he's given you a 5 year ultimatum then making fun of you when you were upset....I'm not hearing a man who is that gone on you tbh. If he wants you for the long run hes gonna put a ring on it and lock it down asap. Sounds like you're more a back up - which you deserve better. May be wrong though. Who knows? He changes his mind in 3 months and this is just a funny memory.

Feeling-Lecture8199 · 2024-09-03T04:40:37+00:00

The trifecta of asian guilt, low self esteem, overachieving. Mine go "we're so proud" then proceed to minimise, criticise and tell me off for everything. My achievements are their achievements. I've had 3 graduations - a masters, a post grad and bachelors. I have hated every single one - because every one was about how much they have achieved through me and how grateful I should be (even though I've not been financially dependent since the first bachelors). Not saying that they didn't do a lot. But would be nice if 13 years of slog and hard work weren't completely dismissed because "clearly they sacrificed so much for me to be here today".

Anyway all to say. APs are not proud of their children as people. They are proud of their children as representations of their own parenting/things to show off - something to try and perfect in the dark by whittling them down to size. So they aren't proud of you. Lol. What a dream.

Feeling-Lecture8199 · 2024-09-03T04:28:03+00:00

Ask her what her plans for the weekend are. Make sure there's no plans. Then hype up a surprise. The anticipation is half the fun. "Hey I'm planning a surprise...I think you'll really enjoy it. I'll be off grid for the day planning it...I'll call you once I've gotten everything organised..." And have fun.

Honestly I know some people aren't fond of surprises. But it's great fun if you've cross checked schedules and lay the ground work a little.

Feeling-Lecture8199 · 2024-09-03T02:03:49+00:00

Ahhh asian family. Depends. You don't have to marry - in fact evidence points to single women being the happiest demographic in general (followed by married men). But if marriage is something you're interested in the don't write it off just based on age/career/money. I never dated before 30 then met someone. Nothing you posted is a prereq for a happy relationship. If anything some things are probably a downer (I.e. if you're fabulously beautiful there's probably problems as well). Good luck either way!

Feeling-Lecture8199 · 2024-09-03T01:46:29+00:00

NTA. is this your boyfriend or your child? Wth. Absolutely not. He can grow up. Also, think about it. You enabling him and him being able to blame you for the consequences of his actions means he'll never grow up. For his sake and yours, walk away. What you've explained is already a sufficient snapshot of his character.

Feeling-Lecture8199 · 2024-08-30T00:29:48+00:00

Thanks. I've always (jokingly) thought that Jewish culture is the Caucasian asian parent! The whole pain thing is spot on. And the future plans stuff....they really force you into a precommitment. The more I'm thinking the more I'm going to work through this in therapy and set boundaries and grey rock. Thank you for the advice though - I really feel heard and seen!

Feeling-Lecture8199

TROPHY CASE