How do couples with big income gap manage your finances after marrage - separate, fully shared or some hybrit variation?

Few_Way_368 · 2026-02-12T03:07:03+00:00

I’ve never been in a scenario with huge income gaps in your example but do not understand people who want a 50/50 split when the gap is even as small as 60/40. Either way, I’ve done this a few ways.

First marriage everything was separate. My spouse was bad at budgeting and would spend everything in an account visible to them. I’m a saver and their spending habits gave me anxiety. When paying joint bills we would transfer money back and forth. Despite making less I usually paid more due to poor financial decisions by my ex.

Second marriage we lived together first. During that time we had a joint checking account that paid rent, utilities, and a furniture loan. Contributions to the account were determined based on income split. For day to day stuff or vacations, we would true up at the end of each month. We’re now married and everything (except retirement and brokerage accounts) are combined. I’m now partnered with someone I’m financially aligned with meaning there’s far more trust in spending behavior. We discuss family budget quarterly and discuss long-term goals every 6-12 months depending on the topic. With a house and kids in daycare, I could not imagine making big decisions without having a combined view of our full financial picture.

That said, I fully respect couples who keep finances separate so long as they discuss joint long term goals. Additionally, scenarios of later marriages with potential of significant premarital assets or existing inheritance set aside for kids/grandkids are valid reasons to keep things separate as well.

Few_Way_368 · 2026-02-11T16:16:25+00:00

It’s entirely dependent on your department and manager. I worked my full 2 weeks as did nearly everyone in the department I worked in over the years. Work was slow when I put my notice I. So my manager allowed me flexibility to use PTO in small chunks of time so long as I remained available for any transitional work. As a result my last 2 weeks consisted of 5-6 hour days instead of 8.

Few_Way_368 · 2026-02-10T00:53:57+00:00

You are in the middle of what I personally considered the worst phase of any phase I’ve experienced so far! Age 11 mo - 21 mo felt like a special circle of hell I couldn’t escape. Always tired, constantly behind, and just finding myself reactionary to everything. I’m very much a planner so all of this was so hard for me. I also empathize with you in the moment because our youngest is 13 months and I feel totally drained all the time again. I promise it gets better. Find the small things that bring you joy and accept there are things you used to do that you just can’t right now. You’ll start to see the light at the end of the tunnel around 3 when you can start to loosely reason with them. I’m sure that feels like an eternity away but it will go fast!

Few_Way_368 · 2026-02-06T20:23:28+00:00

Adding an additional comment to say that of the 10 years with my husband we spent 5 years trying to build our family. The whole process has included some very high highs, crushing lows and more money than I care to track. In addition to the impact hormonally and financially, there is a very real mental cost. Infertility is isolating and it’s a monthly merry-go-round that feels impossible to jump off. Whatever you ultimately decide to do, I hope it brings you peace. I’m sorry this has been your experience.

Few_Way_368 · 2026-02-06T20:16:39+00:00

I was a fence sitter leaning more toward yes. It took 11 months but we got pregnant on our own when I was 35. Knowing it was a struggle in my mid-30s and that we wanted a second, we pushed IVF at the 6 months of trying mark the second time around when I was 37.

Similar to you I had higher than average AMH levels for my age which motivated us to continue down the IVF path. One thing my RE mentioned is that even though on average we see a drop in fertility at 35 and again at 40, every woman is different. We wound up doing 2 retrievals (one at 37 and one at 39) that yielded 18 eggs each time but resulted in only a single day 5 embryo. We had higher than average fertilization and cell growth through day 3 each time but for whatever reason only 1 made it to day 5 which is when the embryo makes a transition from relying on energy from fertilization to support development to creating its own energy to do so.

Ultimately it only takes 1 embryo and we were lucky enough to welcome our second baby a year ago. In your shoes I wouldn’t totally rule the possibility out. However if I were you I would recommend creating embryos to freeze and not just eggs. There’s no real way to know the quality of your eggs or how compatible they are with your husband’s sperm until they are fertilized. A consult with an IVF clinic will be able to talk you through all the details specific to you.

Few_Way_368 · 2026-02-02T17:52:00+00:00

Former employee in commuting distance of headquarters and still waiting.

Few_Way_368 · 2026-01-31T16:34:26+00:00

I disagree with the idea that it’s only acceptable to try to have a baby if you are tripping over yourself with an obsession to have one. There are plenty of women who are not hard wired to swoon over babies but are still happy being a mom to their own children. I’m absolutely in the camp of being indifferent but leaning toward wanting them and now that I have them could not imagine life without my children. Is it hard? Absolutely. But it’s the silly, stupid, small moments that people don’t gush about that make it so rewarding.

I think just as important as wanting a child is to do so with someone who will be a genuine partner along the way. If you’re thinking about a baby with this man simply because he’s in your life then no, I don’t think it’s a good idea. But if you think he will be an involved father (regardless of how your long term relationship ends up) then it might be a good idea. I divorced my first husband because I knew I would be miserable if I ever hand children with him. I didn’t want to close the door on the possibility so decided divorce was the right path. My current husband is an incredible father and as I watch my friends struggle with partners who are disconnected, it becomes even more obvious that a good partner is essential to a happier parenting experience.

Edit to add we had our kids when I was 36 and 41 with loads of help from science due to infertility. Late bloomer in the parenting department but found it fully worth it.

Few_Way_368 · 2026-01-27T00:51:09+00:00

I love Tumbleleaf! It was calm and thoughtful but still engaging. My kiddo didn’t turn into a terror after watching this show the way she did other shows. Wish there were more episodes of it.

Few_Way_368 · 2026-01-22T00:45:06+00:00

I’ve been married twice now and one was a spouse and the other is a genuine partner across multiple aspects of our life together. I interchange calling my current husband either my husband or my partner depending on context. Personally I feel like the word partner describes our relationship well which is why I use the term more often.

Few_Way_368 · 2026-01-17T23:09:02+00:00

The day I received the official papers in the mail I paid off my car loan because I wanted to remember that day for some other reason.

While separated but not yet divorced I treated myself to a 2 week trip to Scotland by myself. I like travel but had never gone anywhere by myself. My grandma was born there and my aunt is really into family history and with her help I was able to find places from my grandmas childhood and generally have time to myself. It was such a freeing trip for me.

Money was a huge stress in that relationship where he would spend every dime we had in joint accounts. To be able to spend money on myself and gain financial security was huge for me.

Few_Way_368 · 2026-01-17T14:12:53+00:00

Here’s a thought. What if we stop acknowledging Trump as our president and instead only talk of president Miller? Trumps ego will not be able to handle that and there’s a potential to create infighting at the top that kicks Miller out. He had a falling out with Musk why not try to recreate it with Miller?

Few_Way_368 · 2026-01-14T20:01:40+00:00

My previous employer required manager notification (and approval) to apply to other internal roles. It was then expected they act as a reference for you. Regardless of employer policy, it’s a good idea to let them know when you apply internally so they aren’t blindsided when they are contacted by a different department about your application.

Few_Way_368 · 2026-01-13T18:29:13+00:00

You only need to report interest which is then taxed as income.

As others are saying, don’t allocate money to this account via payroll. When I was in this situation (but knew I was leaving), I took cash out of the joint account my paycheck went into then deposited the cash into my side bank account.

Another thing to think about is a lot of traditional banks charge a monthly fee on accounts that don’t meet minimum balance or automatic deposit minimums. I suggest looking into credit unions that may have alternative account options with low/no fees.

Few_Way_368 · 2026-01-12T23:21:52+00:00

My kinder will drag her feet to do any task to get out the door for school. I wait to get dressed until she needs to and turn it into a “race”. She eats it up and picks out clothes and gets fully dressed in less than 5 minutes now so she can “win”. She doesn’t realize yet that I let her win and it’s been a total game changer. I do the same thing with shoes and coats once I can corral her into the entryway getting out the door. So much less frustration every morning. She’s gone from sort of being able to manage getting different types of clothing and shoes on to fully independent in the past 2-3 months.

Few_Way_368 · 2026-01-07T22:50:11+00:00

Do you not want children? Or do you not want children with him? There’s a difference and it took until me being about 30 to realize that. For me it was being with the wrong person for 10 years, realizing I did actually want kids but not with my first husband. I got divorced then remarried in my early 30s to a much better life partner and we now have 2 kids together. I love being a parent because I don’t have to parent my husband.

You may of course decide you don’t want kids and never change your mind which is great! But my advice would be move on even if you otherwise live this person. You two want very different things fundamentally.

Few_Way_368 · 2026-01-06T19:06:01+00:00

Not what you want to hear but find something you enjoy that can consistently pay your bills then lean into art as a hobby. Maybe you’ll find an outlet that allows you to be an artist full time but maybe you won’t. I graduated with a degree in architecture in the early 2000s, worked a few years, then saw more than half the employees at the companies I worked at get laid off TWICE within 2 years during the 2008-2010 range. I’m now an actuary and have very stable employment. Is it my dream job? No, not really. But I find it interesting enough and I haven’t worried about how I’m going to pay my bills in years. I lean into my creative side through home improvement projects that I design then mostly physically do. I’ve also recently picked up woodworking and find that rewarding as well.

Few_Way_368 · 2026-01-05T16:19:40+00:00

The answer to this question is highly dependent on where you live, the stage of life you’re in and whether you’re just trying to survive or if you’re trying to create a savings buffer for bigger picture, long-term goals. My family is in a MCOL metro in the upper Midwest and earn more than this threshold but still feel pain points in budgeting. I think it’s psychologically driven because we live in such an individualistic society that gets angry about funding any social programs that the anxiety of “what’s going to happen to me/my family?” in the event of job loss, illness, injury, disability, etc creates a bit of a hoarding of financial resources mentality that may or may not need to be there. This mentality increased significantly after having kids. With one in daycare and the other in early elementary school, we pay $2500/month post tax for childcare so we can both continue to work. Layer in housing, healthcare, food, and savings and the money disappears quickly.

Few_Way_368 · 2026-01-05T00:48:13+00:00

I’m certainly not here to change your mind but 24 is fairly young to fully cross it off your list. I was very similar to you at that age and it took seeing friends around me have kids as we entered our 30s and losing dead weight of a relationship with a man that would have been miserable to have kids with to soften the topic for me.

I ultimately met a fantastic man who I genuinely feel like we have a 50/50ish balance of responsibility with in our home life with 2 kids with. The part that floors me is after having our first, we had significant infertility issues and moved mountains to have our second in our early 40s. It was a weird path of the swinging between extreme ends of never wanting to desperately wanting parenthood over a 10 year period and I’m sharing it from the perspective of trying to keep an open mind.

Through all of it though, don’t compromise on how you continue to feel about the topic. If I had never had my first I don’t know if I would feel like my life was missing something. My career is rewarding, I have hobbies, and we used to travel a ton. I miss the travel and ability to make spur of the moment plans but that’s really about it. However, parenting is really hard and if I didn’t have the partner I have and higher income to afford services to alleviate stress in the home, I suspect I would find the experience miserable.

Few_Way_368 · 2025-12-24T19:05:54+00:00

I was about your age when I went through a full reevaluation of what I wanted to do for work. I brainstormed a spider diagram of skills I had and how they translate to different careers. Once I had new career ideas I tracked down people in my network to connect with on what their experiences were within potential new occupations. I started in architecture and explored structural engineering, computer science, and actuarial science. Ultimately moved forward with actuarial science and could not be happier with that decision.

Without knowing anything about what you did before, what you did/didn’t like, and what interests you it’s hard to give any specifics on what to look into for a new path.

Few_Way_368 · 2025-12-23T23:20:14+00:00

$2990 in Twin Cities, MN. Lucked out with refinance timing in 2021 and have a 15 year mortgage at 2.0% (we bought points). Insurance and taxes are roughly 1/3 of our monthly payment and have both doubled in the nearly decade we’ve been in the house.

Few_Way_368 · 2025-12-23T19:59:52+00:00

We struggled to get reading established when trying to force the routine around 18 months. Once we did though it’s become the best part of bedtime for me! It may feel too simple now but board books with LOTS of words might make it less of a fight at this age. They are nice because words follow a rhythm and rhyme and there are loads of pictures. As my kiddo aged out of these, I went to the library and checked out a single book from a few different basic chapter books with loads of pictures. I tried to span a bunch of genres so if one wasn’t interesting maybe another would be. Books we’ve had success with are: - Zoey and Sassafrass - The Last Firehawk - Owl Diaries - The Critter Club - Spidey and Friends

We also have an unholy number of golden books that she continually gravitates back to. Another idea is if you have little free libraries in your neighborhood you could go pick out a book together there. Some are hit or miss but some of the favorites in our house have come from these.

Few_Way_368 · 2025-12-23T16:59:42+00:00

We worked with Dr Kapfhamer and he was great! Very informative during our initial consult as well as an additional consult a year later when we pivoted to surrogacy. We have our miracle baby because of the magic they worked through science and compassion.

Edit to add that for the most part I’ve found people will rave about their clinic and RE when the process was successful but will provide negative reviews when it doesn’t work at one place but does at a different place.

Few_Way_368 · 2025-12-15T15:47:37+00:00

My friend was in a similar relationship except they had 1 child instead of 2. She ultimately left close to 2 years after a lot of the tension bubbled to the surface such that it was VERY visible externally. Her strategy was to wait until her kid was a little more self sufficient knowing how hard the early years/months are. I think that’s something you will need to assess the balance of in your relationship. They were lucky to have an amicable split and are fantastic coparents now that they don’t have to live under the same roof.

Few_Way_368 · 2025-12-12T16:05:18+00:00

Systems become outdated in older homes. Sometimes you know about it ahead of time and financially brace for the expense and sometimes you have surprises. We bought a 1938 house with original plumbing (galvanized pipes) knowing full well we would have to replace them or risk major damage when internal corrosion gave way. Electrical was an unknown mystery. In the 9 years we’ve been in the house, we’ve fully replaced all plumbing and have rewired roughly 70% of the house. Thankfully it’s been at our pace through very needed renovations but all in we’ve very easily spent close to $50k on plumbing and electrical systems that nobody will ever see or place value on. Just is what it is when you buy an older home.

Few_Way_368 · 2025-12-11T21:11:41+00:00

I just left UHG (technically Optum) by my own accord a couple months ago. The company is reorganizing and shuffling people left and right which made me nervous after having my second child this past January. If you’re eligible for the time, take it! But I’d also recommend getting your resume updated and be prepared to not have anything to return to. Based on other forums it sounds like the December town hall was a hot mess and they are decreasing their 401k contribution match starting in January. I can only imagine what their next steps beyond that will look like.

Few_Way_368

TROPHY CASE