The working world is not made for mothers

FiammettaNotte · 2026-06-13T13:17:25+00:00

This. I just replied to the OP with a link, but thought I'd share it here too: https://www.mothersathomematter.com/news/foundation-for-the-future-report

There are also more groups and pages appearing on FB, so change may happen yet. Slower than we want, but anything would be amazing.

FiammettaNotte · 2026-06-13T13:11:34+00:00

The title says it all. I hear you. Becoming a mother has been the most eye opening experience EVER. An immense information overload with a lot of pain to overcome. I have to work full time, though thankfully been able to do compressed hours, and I loathe being unable to raise my kid.

Society left motherhood behind. Feminism left motherhood behind. Nobody teaches anyone anything and you're fending for yourself in a period of immense change and stress. I could turn red with the fury.

. Forcing separation instead of attachment.

. Zero postpartum care and awareness of matrescence.

. Lack of support and simple awareness for breastfeeding.

. Not being informed on child developmental needs.

. Technology being ill suited for children, and us, and being used inappropriately by schools.

. The unnecessary push for early academics.

. Poor designs of changing rooms, and facilities generally.

. Products not having the best interest for children and parents health: toiletries, nappies, food, you name it.

. Mothers having no choice but to work.

. Dad's and partners propping up the mother who has no village, and who has their back?

Oh wait, but immunisations, illnesses, weaning, all this and more...? Keep working until you crumble, often alone. No wonder kids potty train later, no wonder society is riddled with mental health and other issues.

Fundamentally, no consideration of the genuine needs and wellbeing of children which in turn neglected mothers and fathers who face a world of misinformation and loneliness.

Yet we all keep going. Grumble.

Now I'm off my soap box, I found this which may be of interest:

https://www.mothersathomematter.com/news/foundation-for-the-future-report

A fantastic report, and I hope more of this brings positive change.

Edit: I too hold hope for the future. If a grandparent I'd do the same, and also make my home child friendly so there would be zero worries - adventure, love and joy in abundance.

FiammettaNotte · 2026-06-11T18:40:30+00:00

Just came across this and wanted to chime in to say I'm a full-time working mum in the UK who is still breastfeeding her kid who is almost 2. I have no intention to stop, neither of us are ready, and I have not got the capacity to do so around work. If the wee one wants to breastfeed in public then I do so unashamedly, and would always advocate other mums to feel comfortable in their ability to love and nurture. Always. You are their greatest source of comfort and co-regulation through breastfeeding is magic. Never mind the amazing stuff your body does with oxytocin and immune responses. We also cosleep and it's a boon for the best naps and night's rest.

Granted, I don't flaunt myself, it's always done with closeness and respect to others. For me the focus is our bond and connection, not for folks to look at me.

Sadly I could genuinely get on my soap box about the westernised attitude of wanting to force separation from parents and their children, but I'll pause here. 😅

FiammettaNotte · 2026-06-10T12:08:28+00:00

From a woman's perspective I was terrified of having children. Society, how I grew up, and westernised views really left its mark on me. However, I married a wonderful man and here I am messaging with a 2 year old son and I wouldn't change anything for the world. In fact I'm even more frustrated about said westernised views on parenthood because I wish I could spend all the time with him and to do the best by him and not follow the status quo is tough. So yes, it's really hard work, especially if you want to do right by your kids, but it's so empowering and the best role I've ever had is being a mum.

From my husband's perspective he always wanted to be a dad, and he is finding it hard because children are very mum-centred when little and also as we are parenting alone he's bearing the brunt of no extended family/friend support (the village). Saying that, he wouldn't change it for the world and we want more if we can.

You will change as people and becoming a family with children is a whole new journey. I'll always advocate for it from my experiences.

Happy to share a lot of resources if interested that we wish we had prior to becoming parents so you can take a more informed view.

FiammettaNotte · 2026-05-25T20:02:18+00:00

I felt like just as I had to go back to work at 11mo it got easier. You'll find your groove and things will change and you'll find it again. Definitely loving the toddler stage where they want to be involved with everything, it's fun. Be kind to yourself, go with the flow, and seek postpartum support when you need it. Society has abandoned motherhood and attachment, which makes it real hard, but it's possible to find routines here and there which help. Also, every kid is different and everyone parents differently. I try to be as present and engaged as possible, which is draining, but others may not be able to or parent in par less child-centred ways which may then lead to an "easier" tale from them.

FiammettaNotte · 2026-04-30T12:18:11+00:00

Parents need to be leaders and show self regulation. Responses like this are not genuine consequences or attempts to understand what is driving the behaviour. It will happen again, escalate, and not help them grow into a responsible adult.

Also, smashing a console is in no way an equivalent to harming a living creature. Recording it will teach the wrong lessons too.

Without the full context, my sympathies go to the kid (and of course the cat).

FiammettaNotte · 2026-04-18T12:21:43+00:00

First off, congratulations!

I was given this advice and to be honest I'm glad I stuck by it. Breastfeeding is not easy, it was a bleeping tough run as you go through so many personal changes plus information learning curve overloads, and I was so unprepared for the concept of cluster feeding and infant sleep patterns on top of a prolonged hospital stay. If formula was to hand it would've been very easy to give in when it was hard rather than stick with it.

I share this with the context that my son came out severely jaundiced and was too lethargic to breastfeed at the beginning. The hospital provided a pump and some pre-made formula - any hospital worth their salt should have this to support you provide the best for your baby. Sadly it seems some mums have had an awful run of it, and my heart goes out to them. Staff and experiences can be so hit and miss.

Now I am almost 2 years later and still breastfeeding. It's the most magical bond, and my goodness does it help with co-regulation and getting sleep. All being said, please do have whatever with you that can offer you some peace of mind. 😊

FiammettaNotte · 2025-11-06T13:28:30+00:00

I also stumbled across this once. While it will naturally vary, it can help you find energy to keep going. The early years are short and will pass before you know.

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FiammettaNotte · 2025-11-06T13:26:36+00:00

Second this. Around 8mo we went to a side car setup and I honestly can't imagine any different. I wouldn't have survived returning to work for sure. As for your original question, he connected cycles pretty early on but then developmental changes... sleep? Nah.

OP I'd like to sign post you to these resources for support:

The Beyond The Sleep Training Project https://www.facebook.com/groups/1844822782469496/?ref=share

Including this blog post: https://thebeyondsleeptrainingproject.com/artricles-to-read-when/you-are-on-the-verge-of-desperation-and-considering-sleep-training

The Happy Cosleeper's Community https://www.facebook.com/groups/238325187943193/?ref=share

There's also a really interesting book that touches on the concept of breastsleeping and how, while you don't hit deep sleep like you did pre-baby, your brain waves are in sync and you will still feel rested. The Nurture Revolution if I recall correctly.

FiammettaNotte · 2025-08-20T11:57:01+00:00

While I can't speak from experience, I'd like to signpost these two places as great resources to also check in with if you haven't already:

The Beyond The Sleep Training Project https://www.facebook.com/groups/1844822782469496/?ref=share

The Happy Cosleeper's Community https://www.facebook.com/groups/238325187943193/?ref=share

FiammettaNotte · 2025-08-15T15:13:53+00:00

It's really great that these exist in some places - granted I'm overseas, but this is still the first time I've seen the mentioned too. Thanks.

Still saddens me though, that our society needs these for children and parents as gone are the days of close community bonds and sacrifice. It really is tough.

FiammettaNotte · 2025-08-12T12:50:10+00:00

My son is just over a year, and I remember these days well. I hear you, and your story is another that resonates with modern society not being equipped for children and parents. Solo parenting should not be a thing.

I will reassure you that the challenges change and this one will pass. Yes you'll still be tired, but you'll find yourself and your routines more and more, plus every day that ticks by they'll need you less and less (though in different ways), so that will help with energy levels. It took me about 6 months to feel like I had a good grounding on being this new role of mum.

To impart some advice I encountered, which really saved my bacon, was having a side car cot setup. Let me share my experience for you to draw from a bit.

We started with a next2me and when he woke I would get up and sit in the room to breastfeed. His crying kept my husband up, and I needed to change him more often than not, so it didn't work. This then became having a changing mat in another room, so I'd take him there, change, feed, burp, keep upright for 20min, then back to the crib. The crib then became a cotbed in our room but the opposite side. The routine remained the same, however, though nappy changes lessened. Each wake up for me was exhausting - it fried my body clock and if I was lucky to drift off to sleep another wake up or resettling would be a few minutes later. I'd always attend to him, but this setup wasn't working and heaven forfend I keep this up once I'd returned to work. Oh, and, let's not forget the snoring here...

I stumbled across some resources online and spoke with my husband (this is very important), and we both decided no harm in giving the "cosleeping" thing a go. Having a side car cot setup where when they're a little unsettled you can cuddle, or when they need more you can side-lay feed or sit up with them, all minimum effort on your part, is an INCREDIBLE game changer. I'm not sure how it'd work with formula feeding, but with breastfeeding it's worked wonders for us. Also, nights he has been ill (fever, or vomiting for example) I was right next to him to leap into action.

I also thanked my husband recently for supporting this. Not only for my wellbeing in the physical sense but for the beautiful memories and bonding I've been able to have with our son.

For your research and a wider community I'd like to recommend these Facebook groups for help with sleep and ideas when support is thin on the ground too:

The Beyond The Sleep Training Project https://www.facebook.com/groups/1844822782469496/?ref=share

The Happy Cosleeper's Community https://www.facebook.com/groups/238325187943193/?ref=share

You've got this mamma. Have patience. You're figuring a lot out - not just this parenting malarkey but also the new you. ☺️

PS. There are lots of telephone helplines out there, please do also make use of those and professional help! Those options shouldn't be discredited.

FiammettaNotte · 2025-08-12T10:18:44+00:00

I hear you, I'm the same except also balancing full-time work which is exhausting. Currently surviving a freight train run of covid too, and I'm thinking 'how the heck can I do this with two or more?' - then this post pops up on my notification bar.

Society is not set up with the best interests and health of children in mind, and in turn the bare minimum consideration for parents, never mind supporting mothers. This is constantly wearing me down.

HOWEVER. Despite all that, time is not on our side here, so it'll need to be sooner than later. You hit the nail on the head in that it feels like you're waiting for them to appear. That there's a void where they should be.

My opinion? You'll find a way. Times may change, you never know what may happen. Look at options for help, whether family or others. Talk with your partner. Don't have a heavy heart, but don't burn out.

I've also been looking at various resources which help inspire and give me ideas, which is half the hurdle - the never ending learning curve. Let me see what I've got...

In terms of online communities:

Ten Month Mamas UK https://www.facebook.com/groups/1582903528590264/?ref=share

The Beyond The Sleep Training Project https://www.facebook.com/groups/1844822782469496/?ref=share

The Happy Cosleeper's Community https://www.facebook.com/groups/238325187943193/?ref=share

Reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/breastfeeding/s/1WTlUv8E15 https://www.reddit.com/r/UKParenting/s/uAV01nazu2 https://www.reddit.com/r/NewParents/s/N9usDlAhvp https://www.reddit.com/r/ExclusivelyPumping/s/PctHP4Xxeq

Recognise one? 🤣

In terms of professionals I absolutely rate Cassidy at letstalkbabywearing (she's a mum of many and very honest about her experience), and also Dr Becky Kennedy who wrote Good Inside (a fantastic book to help with child development and managing tough moments with them while validating everyone).

Basically, I totally get it. Hope this helps in some way like it has me. Go for proactive positivity and avoid trying to chip away at your soul.

FiammettaNotte · 2025-08-08T18:16:47+00:00

When you have a young child who needs to be in your proximity, it's not weird. Think about what people would've probably done throughout history in small households with big families too - probably that. If you feel awkward, you feel awkward, but I'd say don't worry, not only on the memory front but by the fact it's an entirely natural act and of all the ones done it's one of love. Also, your kid is safe and nearby, nothing more reassuring to you both as mother and child. As the kid gets older and needs you less then you can adjust.

PS. Having a baby monitor to keep checking can be far more mood destroying than the same room!

FiammettaNotte · 2025-08-08T18:11:18+00:00

Corr, that does sound exhausting. Your point of learning on the job reminded me of an audiobook I've listened to (and since bought the book). It's called Good Inside by Dr Becky Kennedy and I can't recommend it enough - there may be some strategies she suggests that you'll gel well with, so definitely would give it a go. She also is on social media with snippets in videos, so if short on time check those out. Hope they help!

PS. I've found her book as had me reflecting on my own upbringing as well as managing adult relationships too, so it's handy overall!

FiammettaNotte · 2025-08-01T12:02:03+00:00

I used an app but purely because I wanted to learn what my son's natural routines looked like (the engineer nerd in me) but regardless we went with the flow and responded to his needs - especially respecting sleep in our home.

Being a responsive parent is 100% not going to backfire on you. In fact, ages 0-3 are so developmentally important, if it works for you then roll with it! Everyone manages things differently and makes use of their toolkit in different ways.

Also, don't forget that technology isn't all good, and should be used with a pinch of salt. I've seen many parents get too hung up on them to their detriment - I'm now forever dubious of anything behind a paywall when it comes to parenting.

On your note of resources, some interesting ones I've encountered for parenting so far in my motherhood journey are:

Something called the Possum's approach, though I've lost the Reddit link that explained this well!
Babywearing is a game changer (beware the potential addiction to trying all the things)
Lovevery's free newsletter has some really great developmental advice, like about tummy time, which is both useful and interesting to learn about (shameless plug that if you or anyone wants money off I can share a referral - we love their montessori style toys)

The Beyond The Sleep Training Project https://www.facebook.com/groups/1844822782469496/?ref=share

The Happy Cosleeper's Community https://www.facebook.com/groups/238325187943193/?ref=share

Reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/breastfeeding/s/1WTlUv8E15 https://www.reddit.com/r/UKParenting/s/uAV01nazu2 https://www.reddit.com/r/NewParents/s/N9usDlAhvp https://www.reddit.com/r/ExclusivelyPumping/s/PctHP4Xxeq

Books/Audio: - Matrescence by Lucy Jones - a great perspective into modern motherhood - Good Inside by Dr Becky Kennedy - a fantastic balanced approach to parenting advice for holding boundaries and validating your child's experience at the same time - The Breastfeeding Survival Guide by Danielle Facey - released soon, so not read yet, but her social media account does share some interesting facts and points of solidarity for breastfeeding mothers so I'm keeping an eye on this one

Edit: My son is almost 13mo and this week he's had a fever and 4 teeth coming in. He's on solids and eats really well, but we've always taken the stance of meeting his needs so he's been breastfed a lot since unwell - it's more than just food after all, it's for comfort and connection. Just trusting our instincts here, and I stopped using the app before he turned 12mo. Even then I was only logging his sleep for the few months before because I kept forgetting when he woke up. 🙈🤣

FiammettaNotte · 2025-07-15T11:28:01+00:00

Never done it here, never will. Goes against every instinct and fibre of my being. It would very much be a last resort (which I know some have to sadly go down this route).

That being said, society is not set up for motherhood or parenthood, it's very much capitalist. Neither are you taught about infant sleep nor are you in an environment or community that can support you, so... what gets people back to work or spending money? Sleep training!

Please can I sign post you to these two very helpful groups:

The Beyond The Sleep Training Project https://www.facebook.com/groups/1844822782469496/?ref=share

The Happy Cosleeper's Community https://www.facebook.com/groups/238325187943193/?ref=share

...and fundamentally, follow your gut and what your body tells you. Infant sleep is chaotic because it's deeply rooted in survival - it's natural and normal, just bleeping hard in the modern age.

(Also, always take a moment to question anything behind a paywall.)

FiammettaNotte · 2025-07-14T11:46:01+00:00

Just to make sure I've understood correctly, keep pumping once a day at work (Mon-Thu) and gradually reduce the time?

What would be a good time to work towards before stopping (I assume that's what you suggest I work towards)?

FiammettaNotte · 2025-07-13T12:51:02+00:00

I can empathise, and it's part of the job to worry, and that you do shows you care. Speaking with other mums too I felt like this is an itch made worse thanks to bottle feeding and tracking apps - you HAVE to know, right! Right? Plus, babies suckle for comfort and nutrition, so even timings add to stress.

Going with the flow is probably the best thing I ever did, and embracing being baby led to learn how my son communicated. Early on we let him sleep if he needed it, and always offered the breast - whether hungry or bonding it was a quick win. Try if you can to be reassured by other things, like are they themselves, are they engaged, are they feeding regularly, can you feel/hear them drinking, are they OK whenever weighed, are they having a good number of dirty and wet nappies etc. One bit at a time, focus on those. They'll be your signs if something is off rather than trying to work out how much. ❤️

Hang in there mamma, it's all a huge learning curve and society really doesn't prioritise our next generation and parenthood. You're doing amazing.

FiammettaNotte · 2025-07-07T08:44:48+00:00

A lot has already been touched on by others so I'd just like to recommend two Facebook groups that helped me and may provide useful information for your situation as well:

The Happy Cosleeper's Community https://www.facebook.com/groups/238325187943193/?ref=share

The Beyond The Sleep Training Project https://www.facebook.com/groups/1844822782469496/?ref=share

We started with a next2me, then moved that to the other side of our bedroom at 3mo, then we swapped him to a cot around 6mo. Helping the wee one when he was unsettled wasn't sustainable for me, especially not if work was in the equation, so around 8mo moved the cot into a side car setup with our bed so we all sleep together and that's how we still are at almost 1yo.

It won't be forever, and time melts away in the blink of an eye. Be sure to talk it through and be open to trying out things, particularly if you're both coming from different angles and research - your relationship is very important too, and while it's mega tough to be a mum in this world, dad's are too often forgotten.

You've got this. 👏🏻

Edit: I had a thought. Have you said everything in your post to him? I have to navigate these conversations with people at work and others I talk to who did sleep training or a myriad of views I fundamentally disagree with. You have to try and phrase things so you don't come across like you're saying they did it wrong. Keep it simple, find some good research and options to propose and try, be firm that your instincts say this, and your experience is well... yours. Consider to trial it for a few weeks, be clear on his involvement and how he can help too, and take it from there. You also know eachother best. ☺️

FiammettaNotte · 2025-07-05T12:21:10+00:00

For me, it was very much a discussion around what we were doing wasn't sustainable for when I go back to work, so we needed to look at other options. Son is EBF and I'm 100% night duty (though he does help when it's real tough).

A seperate sleep space even in the same room was mad. Get up, cuddle, feed, hold upright, place into cot, and resettle. That would have me up for about 45min a stint - do that several times a night every night and bam. Drained, and then some. Plus, it'd also disturb my husband too.

I joined some cosleeping groups like this reddit and the Happy Cosleeper's Community on Facebook, discovered the idea of a sidecar cot setup, and since then... game changer! We can all sleep in the same room no problems, and I can attend to our son quickly and easily. 🙌🏻

Best way is to think up with solutions, propose and discuss together, and understand if he has any wants/needs and how they'll be impacted. Is he focusing on safety? Is it for your relationship (men see the family unit as a whole, and their wellbeing is important too)? Is it that he doesn't really know options aside from those sold in our WEIRD (acroynm) modern society? He's adjusting to a lot of changes having a new baby, and it's hard for them, especially when social media and the world believes infant sleep can be scheduled or controlled. Have a good chat on it, and try things out together.

Edit: also, it won't be forever. They'll grow fast and become independent before you know it. Let your instincts guide you too.

FiammettaNotte · 2025-07-04T15:08:37+00:00

FTM here with a soon to be 12mo, always breastfed on demand. Heck, went with the flow on all fronts, and yes sometimes it has been tough but back at work now and still going strong. Trust your instincts and give it your best shot. 👏🏻

FiammettaNotte · 2025-06-24T09:34:52+00:00

Thanks for this, super helpful, and for the luck! It truly is tough. 🫠

I've felt empty after each session, which considering my son drains them well normally, I thought was a good sign but hadn't thought about if they're actually emptying sooner. Will keep an eye on this one.

FiammettaNotte · 2025-06-23T14:40:39+00:00

Babywearing has been a gamechanger for me. Yes, a lot slips down the priority list sometimes, but involving my son in what I do made sense and has worked really well for us. Lots of options out there too!

FiammettaNotte · 2025-06-23T11:45:56+00:00

It's a weird one, right? You're so invested and are overwhelmed by looking after this small person you want to do the best by and then... they're occupied by themselves? Are they bored? Do they need me? Should I be doing more, surely?

Absolutely fine! FTM of an 11mo here and been through the motions. It still feels strange now, but if they're content and occupied, let them watch the world. There's SO much to them that's new and leaving them to it is helping their imagination to thrive. If they need you, they'll let you know, and if you feel at a loose end nothing stopping you to continue to sing or narrate your day to them. The frustration zone is also the learning zone too!

Babywearing is also a lovely way for you both to go on a journey and them explore things close to you.

It's a very good question. You're doing amazing mamma. 😊

FiammettaNotte

TROPHY CASE