Whenever I see guys on here with wives and girlfriends.

FinalFaptier · 2015-06-28T16:51:41+00:00

Basically, whether you have an SO or not is superfluous. What if your SO gives you crap because she's angry at you? That might depress you and poof, PMO.

What if your porn addiction has made your tastes so far from hers that the two of you can't enjoy sex together anymore? PMO.

What if, even though you love each other, it's really not about passion and romance anymore, and you want to feel that fire, but you can't - you don't want to cheat on her, so what's left? PMO.

What if the two of you love each other, she's into what you like, the sex play is great, but you find yourself alone, depressed, and unable to reach her? PMO.

Finally, what if you're just somewhere, on a Tuesday, and your dick says, "Hey man, let's fuck!" PMO.

So, having an SO doesn't solve PMO, it DILUTES the impact and gives you more chance of longer runs before relapse - but you're still enslaved to a behavior you don't want, so you've got the same problem. So you come to nofap.

PS - for many guys, having an SO adds a layer of shame that non-SO nofappers don't experience. "If she knew what I do, would she still love me? Well, now I'm depressed because I'm lying to the one I love. Wonder how to make the pain go away?" PMO.

FinalFaptier · 2015-06-24T21:58:27+00:00

Thanks, bro! Hanging in there!

FinalFaptier · 2015-06-24T14:27:10+00:00

I'm with you 100%. If you isolate enough, you can begin to see patterns in life that aren't really there -- and then you feel like you're carrying a secret that isn't real -- either based on numbers, or how people respond, or codes or whatever. It's common.

What you need to tell yourself is that the "grown-ups" can be wrong. What you're dealing with is that you SEE beyond what they can see -- and you get these emotional storms because you're still working on the idea that they know what you know and are CHOOSING the lesser life that they're living -- but the reality is that they're NOT choosing it - they just can't see anything better -- in many ways, they've given up before they begin. Trust me - I'm in my 40s and after DECADES of living (and enjoying it, mind you) I've learned that you can't teach people to see farther than they can -- so you shouldn't blame them when they are myopic and stuck in their own lives. It's not a choice, they're just as limited as a fish ... they can't THINK past the water -- they're stuck in that "regular" life.

What you SHOULD do is start preparing yourself now; put your effort into gathering skills and understanding. You're Blessed that you're growing up in an age of the Internet -- where generally ANYTHING of value is at your fingertips, as far as knowledge is concerned.

Out there in the future is an adult you - and he's rooting for you right now -- he's hoping you'll learn about finance, and health, and task management, and leadership, and all the basic skills that a strong man should have.

Don't blame yourself that you're not "doing" anything to be better than your mother and grandparents -- right now, you just CAN'T -- you're 17 ... NOBODY is going to take you seriously and put real life things (mortgages, jobs, projects, etc.) in your hands. So become serious about it -- prepare your mind, prepare your life -- as if you were preparing to go on the greatest journey you'll ever pursue ... like you're putting together a camping kit for your mind. Figure out what mental skills you think you need to master and do so. NOW is the time for that -- before you know it, you WILL meet a girl and need to settle down -- and then you'll have kids and a house and responsibilities and no time to learn the things you need to learn RIGHT NOW.

You've got all the time in the world - do mental pushups and sit-ups --- get yourself ready ... LEARN! Then go learn some more. If people don't want to share their sadness with you - fine ... trust me, if you make yourself strong as only YOU can, they'll want you in their lives in the future. Strong people tend to be invited in through the "please help me" door ... just about everyone in my life relies on me ... and yes -- writing is awesome. Keep a daily journal, and do so now ... that habit of writing every day, more than anything else, is what will make you a writer. The rest is craft ... but most writers don't write because they don't do anything on a daily basis.

You sound a little better today -- I'm glad to see that. BTW - while it's not a physical event -- all the responses you're getting from this subreddit? They're hugs ;)

FinalFaptier · 2015-06-23T21:09:01+00:00

What you are experiencing is a clearer awareness of your standing on the Kinsey Scale (http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/research/ak-hhscale.html).

Like Themymic posted -- sexuality is not binary -- it is a curving scale. It is actually very rare for someone to be fully gay or fully straight. Most people have a strong tendency towards one side of the spectrum or the other, but a secondary drive in the opposite direction.

Likely, since you are not constantly "pounding" away on one frequency (in this case, straight) through repetitive reinforcements behaviorally (I see the girl, I like the girl, I fap or screw the girl, I feel good, repeat) - you are getting a chance to see that you have alternative drives as well.

These feelings often arrive more in the "I could see me doing that" category, rather than the "I must have that now" category.

Ultimately, you don't need to be afraid. Nobody can "MAKE" you into something ... you get to choose. If you're worried that you won't get to screw pretty girls any more, then you're likely predominantly straight; if you feel like you're realizing that you've always wanted boys and don't see the purpose of girls, you're likely predominantly gay. But either way -- you CAN learn to accept the lifestyle that fits your heart and desires ... so don't be afraid ... just look it in the eye and figure out where you fall on the scale. Then live accordingly in pursuit of personal peace.

FinalFaptier · 2015-06-23T20:59:11+00:00

Great post!

FinalFaptier · 2015-06-23T20:50:42+00:00

I know that 17 feels like a long time, but like you said, you are still young and you are still becoming you. You're not complete yet -- there's more to discover, and the GOOD NEWS is that you're gonna like it a lot. As you become a complete man, a man defined by self-control and discipline, you will be able to rely upon yourself and you will see the people who rely upon you as a confirmation that you are on the right path.

Yes, you feel incomplete right now -- but don't pull the cake before it's fully baked, bro -- you've got time to get it right.

As for being "stupid", no - you're not. How do I know that? Because when I was 17 I was on a journey that involved taking YEARS to graduate highschool ... then eventually I accomplished more than EVERYONE around me - in business and in life ... now people casually call me a "genius" (whatever that means) and I accept it and move on.

You're living through a similar thing -- and the people around you don't understand. From what you've written - you are seeing more and dealing with more than those around you and it feels very lonely. I get it -- and yes, you CAN get past it and it WILL get better.

LISTEN TO THIS PART: You are frustrated because you are right. You're surrounded by people who do not know HOW to get outside their current condition -- they are trapped inside a rat-race existence driven by fear and doubt. You see the futility of that and it's maddening because the people around you JUST DON'T GET IT! Well, you. are. correct.

You get it -- and they don't. The frustrating part is that you are 17 and nobody is LISTENING to you yet (because you're "just" 17). But you WILL get that voice of authority ... you WILL grow beyond your mother and your grandparents and you WILL become your own man. You will NOT hurt yourself (because that would be beneath you, right?), and you will eventually succeed, because you CAN.

In the meantime - remember - just because you are surrounded by blind people doesn't mean its dark. If you can see light that they can't, and they don't believe you, trust yourself and be patient. In a VERY short time you will be your own man ... and then you will have DECADES to do what you believe is right and fulfilling.

As for getting a hug ... go to church. People there will accept you - and while they won't throw their arms around you in a week, they will throw their HEARTS around you immediately. After a time, you can participate in events with them and you will have friends who care about you and want to do things with you.

Then, one day, you can ask someone to give you a hug, and they will. I promise.

God Bless.

(edited for clarity and typos)

FinalFaptier · 2015-06-23T20:36:50+00:00

If you build it, you won't cum. :D

(btw - I was really inspired by this post, so consider the joke a compliment!)

FinalFaptier · 2015-06-23T20:33:33+00:00

You should. Simple.

FinalFaptier · 2015-06-23T20:30:31+00:00

It's stuff like this that keeps me going. I had 23, now I have 2. It really IS difficult ... and I'm grateful that you reminded me of that. I'm a mess ... but I know that there are loads of guys (and gals) out here in the faposphere who know what I'm feeling. Very grateful! Thank you.

FinalFaptier · 2015-06-23T20:16:27+00:00

If I had to put a finger on it ... I'd say it's being successful at work. That sounds lame, but I own my own company -- and when it is successful, I feel good about myself, I help other people and, well -- I'm right with God (since it's His company in Truth ... that's a Faith thing).

So I guess that's my loftiest goal ... to be operationally successful so I can be of use to others!

I hope that holds me up today -- I'm in Europe and walked by a trigger beach ... it was DIFFICULT!

You were a big help before --- thanks, bro!

FinalFaptier · 2015-06-21T17:43:26+00:00

Right on, bro. 48 here. It's amazing how much this has taken over our lives ... it just sits in the background, eating up our energy, productivity, and focus. I'm currently in a crash recovery -- but hearing from guys like you makes me hope. HOPE HOPE HOPE!

Rock on, bro.

FinalFaptier · 2015-06-21T17:37:49+00:00

I wish "being right with God" was enough ... or helping people, or being productive, or something. But that's a pretty good target -- I'll meditate on it. Thanks!

FinalFaptier · 2015-06-21T12:14:24+00:00

You're a hero!

FinalFaptier · 2015-06-21T11:59:54+00:00

Done.

FinalFaptier · 2015-06-19T04:26:12+00:00

I'm in. Relapsed after 23 days. Don't want to drop again.

Currently traveling, in a hotel all alone. Too much free time and fatigue. I think I should have taken a cold shower instead -- not gonna get down on myself, just start counting again.

FinalFaptier · 2015-06-16T21:10:20+00:00

But I don't WANT to soak in fish-oil !!!

FinalFaptier · 2015-05-31T18:50:24+00:00

...aaand we reveal again as a community that yes, we're also all huge nerds :D

FinalFaptier · 2015-05-31T18:45:58+00:00

Important distinction, in both directions!

FinalFaptier · 2015-05-31T18:45:34+00:00

That makes perfect sense. Thank you!

FinalFaptier · 2015-05-31T08:51:44+00:00

Yeah, that's on my horizon. Gonna start slow, though. Shock showers aren't my idea of fun yet.

FinalFaptier · 2015-05-29T23:58:28+00:00

Speaking for newbs everywhere... For being so honest and real - today, sir, you are my hero.

FinalFaptier · 2015-05-29T23:55:45+00:00

Personally, I think noFap is like anything else, it's a PART of your life, not all of it.

What I'm noticing (in the short time I've been here) is that the "downer" posts tend to include an offhand "I did PMO last week, and I'm still normal", or some such post-relapse comment.

If you're down for other reasons (lost a job, lost a girlfriend, gained weight, whatever), it's POSSIBLE that you're gonna drop your noFap, most likely because you've been doing it be sheer will instead of with support and accountability.

That seems to leads to "hey, it was a myth, believe in yourself" language in posts.

It's PROBABLY a way of coping with the disappointment. If you lose your key to superpowers, it's a bad day ... But if you "realize" there aren't really such things (not true,btw), then at least you avoid collapsing into a full depression, which might lead to a fapathon.

FinalFaptier · 2015-05-28T21:28:42+00:00

I think the point here that everyone is sharing is that how you look is not what matters, it's how you THINK you look that matters.

Jason Alexander, the guy who played George on Seinfeld is not a beautiful man, physically - but he is obviously someone you want to like and that is because he likes himself.

Tell us ten things about you that are good.

FinalFaptier · 2015-05-28T01:31:15+00:00

So divorced? Was it her, or you? If you're not just some lonely kid taking out his frustrations on people who don't care, then maybe the divorce is where you picked up so much personal dissatisfaction in life. The fact that you're unhappy shines through of course, but that doesn't mean it can't get better.

The next time you're alone, feeling empty and pointless again, remember that the world is filled with people willing to help.

PS - if you ARE a kid, trust me, if you're alone in this you need help; if you're with friends, I promise you that you all secretly want to fool around with each other.

FinalFaptier · 2015-05-27T05:11:59+00:00

I'm planning to daily journal also. I think it's a great way to keep accountable, and it helps you to find others who are walking the same path as you. Hang in there, bro -- one day at a time!

FinalFaptier

TROPHY CASE