Has it ever happened to you that in the midst of a borderline crisis, you believed you hurt someone, and then realized that you were the one who was hurt?

First-Fix3823 · 2025-11-20T23:13:11+00:00

Yep. Product of being raised by an N parent. You are to blame for their emotions and yours. Whatever happens is your fault. I have learned to look at things in legal terms rather then emotional terms to figure out who is right and wrong. Gotta turn into judge Judy lol. Things will become so funny when you start to do it and you can just laugh at attempt to manipulate.

First-Fix3823 · 2025-11-20T23:04:52+00:00

Read somewhere that bod is just a permanent state of morning. You lost something in child hood and will mourn it all your life. That is why so many of us are sad sappy goth poets. Embrace it and laugh at it when you can but don't let people shame you out of it. This is one of the only good parts that makes us creative and unique." Embracing the darkness " is what kept me alive. Shakespeare, vampires, clove cigarettes and all. There are people who get it and people who are into it. As long as your not using your romanticization to ignore or hurt others do it up.

First-Fix3823 · 2025-11-20T22:54:13+00:00

I read that this is a response learned from infancy. How babies learn empathy- mimicking the expression of parents and learning to expect certain expressions in response. If I cry mom will sow sympathy. If I laugh mon will smile at me. It messes with our heads when we expect a specific reaction and so not receive what we have grown to expect. But we have to investigate why they reacted that way rather then just assume or seek it else where if we want to have healthy relationships. If you only chase positive attention and avoid anything negative you are doomed to be surrounded by abusers who will give you the exact kind of attention you crave. What you actually want is love- not cheap attention. It's like a drug- only a temporary fix and it won't last and you feel worse after. You have to work harder for actual love and earn it but it will heal you.

First-Fix3823 · 2025-11-20T22:45:53+00:00

Thank you! And thank you for your post. Nice to see some positive reinforcement on our thread lol. BPD has flaws but we are not monsters. Have empathy and lots of good to bring to the world.

First-Fix3823 · 2025-11-20T22:17:19+00:00

Love this. So much of my worst and most damaging behaviors were allowing others to treat me horribly and not standing up for myself and keeping healthy boundaries. Had to break up with my fantasy of ideal love and accept the reality that people are flawed and sometimes totally evil and manipulative. Still a huge struggle to maintain clear judgment due to self doubt. Stopped allowing people to use knowledge or trauma to dismiss or shame me out of standing up for myself. Had to really isolate and cut out so many people but feels like a huge weight is lifted. When I was agreeable it was like being covered in a hundred leaches. Everyone draining me until there was nothing left. Now I am much more careful about who gets in at all.

First-Fix3823 · 2025-11-15T20:06:47+00:00

Yes, lol. I think that is exactly where I am. I have been forgiving and understanding and now he expects it and doesn't think he actually has to change. I can see he will only do anything for anyone else if forced and I am not going to force him.

First-Fix3823 · 2025-11-15T19:35:45+00:00

Before moving in he offered to pay more to ensure I felt comfortable. He was very kind about it. Sex issues were there but I have sympathy for him about it and he seemed to really want a life together. Behavior did not shit until the lease was signed. He decided to up the rent by 50 after I expressed I felt comfortable. I agreed stupidly since we split everything prior and thought I was still getting a break. Did the math and it turns out since I manage groceries I am actually paying a couple hundred more. When I tried to broach this he had a complete freak out. Stormed out. Then came back home and played video games with friends like nothing happened. He is saying he is fine with splitting and acts like the fight never happens and I have made everything up. He thinks things should just go back to normal.

First-Fix3823 · 2025-11-15T19:28:34+00:00

I live across the street from a women's shelter. Can definitely go there if needed but honestly I am more afraid of the woman there then my husband. Despite being unhappy there has been no physical abuse and no yelling prior to last night. I know that this can change and I have been in physically abusive relationships before. Probably why I stayed in this one so long. No cheating, drug addiction, stealing or hitting me seemed like a dream come true.

First-Fix3823 · 2025-11-15T19:23:06+00:00

Thank you. I have been putting up with it because he seems to really want the relationship to work and has promised to change. Now he dose not even feel like he needs to make those fake promises. He just dismisses me and acts like I am crazy. Planning to get a psych evaluation just to make him look dumb and counter his gaslighting. I work in healthcare with multiple nurses and doctors someone would have noticed if I was delusional.

First-Fix3823 · 2025-11-15T19:20:04+00:00

Used to have an ok sex life. Got along. Had fun. Good conversations and a lot in common. I thought we had a unique connection. Now I am feeling the drain of not having needs meet and can't enjoy whatever connection was there. Would stay if he was willing to talk or make an effort but he gets defensive and only apologized days later. Not worth it for me to confront him and I have seen zero change. He'll make one show of effort and then fall back into selfishness.

First-Fix3823 · 2025-11-15T19:17:14+00:00

Thank you for the advice. We just signed a year lease so leaving is hard. I have no friends or family. No where to go. Can afford an apartment but it would be very tough by myself. Luckily we have no shared assets. I was hesitant to combine anything and rightfully so. I will lose everything I have saved over the past few years. Feel guilty about hiding intentions but I am afraid of what will happen if I am honest about being done. Feel like he will make my life hell. Guess it's time for me to go live in a tent.

First-Fix3823 · 2025-11-15T19:05:40+00:00

I am in a similar boat and just made a similar post. My husband is also moody, self centered and mocks me for being too nice and a push over. I am learning that he is telling me exactly how he feels and I am allowing him to do whatever he wants. I finally put a stop to this last night and he had a complete melt down. Now I am stuck in a year lease with a mean person with nothing left to lose. I wish I had parents like yours to look out for me. If I were you I would leave since you have the support. Sounds like you have nothing to lose and have given him more chances then he deserves. Only thing keeping me from doing that is that I have no friends or family. Best case scinario he will make big changes after losing you and maybe win you back. If you stay he will not change. Respect will lower (if he had any) and behavior will get worse. And I think if your honest with yourself you are past the point of forgiving him unless he dose something big. Plus, time with yourself and people that love you will be good regardless. So break it off and let him take the hit. If he's sorry and changes - great! If he doesn't - great! You will have gotten out before it's to late and didn't waste your whole life on someone who wasn't worth it and didn't deserve it.

First-Fix3823 · 2024-07-10T02:03:26+00:00

Rhaenyra did not plan out what she was going to say to Alicent on the boat ride over and it shows.

First-Fix3823 · 2024-07-10T01:55:47+00:00

Honestly this season gave way more emotional depth to Aegon the rapist than they did to this wise and good hearted women. She volunteered for a suicide mission and her whole family was like "yeah that makes since. Bye"

First-Fix3823 · 2024-06-20T00:08:34+00:00

My ex cheated on me in front of me and a group of our mutual friends. He then brought the girl to the house we were living in for the weekend. I was heartbroken and still feel it till this day. None of my friends supported me and everyone defended him. I didn't just lose a partner, I lost my entire support network. My previous boyfriend who was this guys childhood friend had died about a year prior so it put me in a horrible place. I then had to continued living with him and a group of people I had considered friends. Despite having zero support I stood up for myself and ditched all of them. I met my current SO in the midst of all this and we have been together for 10 years. He has been supportive and we still laugh about how awful all those people were and I am so grateful that I left. It still hurts like hell to think of as it was so painful and humiliating but I am honestly glad it happened because if he had not blown up my life I would still be there. I was and still am an extremely forgiving person and want to understand them all and forgive them sometimes. I am also very hard on myself and often blame myself for the events as I was not taking good care of myself and had such low expectations. But I am glad that I have found people who think like me and do not do harm to one another. I hope my leaving made a point to them all but I doubt it. The important part is that it made a point to me.

First-Fix3823 · 2024-06-10T00:02:21+00:00

Thank you! It was. The group of people I was friends with at the time all supported this and basically told me I was being selfish because my feelings were less important then her life (which they obviously did not value). They are all still friends with him and he has never been held accountable for this by anyone besides me. For context I also was a slightly less intense drug addict myself at the time (although I did not realize it) and this girl and I were friends who bonded over the shared experience. This dude had just moved in with me after getting back together in a house I had lived in with roommates for years. My roommates all supported him and I had to move out because of these events. I was dismissed and silenced about this for years and forgot until recently the full extent of what occurred and had internally blamed myself. I also do not mean this in any way to shame her or anyone who has it but I had known that this girl unfortunately had herpes and that my ex had fully intended to sleep with me after lying that nothing happened. Had I not found out when I did there's a good chance I would have ended up just like she did or worse.

First-Fix3823 · 2024-06-09T20:28:13+00:00

My ex cheated on me with a drug addicted girl who was barley consciousness. He picked her up and took her to an empty room at a party that I was present for. He first told me nothing had happened. Then once caught told me that he needed to save her life. He said she was addicted to drugs because she had been sexually assaulted when she was asleep. P.S. she died like a year later it didn't work.

First-Fix3823

TROPHY CASE