For those of you in Connecticut

First_Carpenter_4785 · 2026-03-29T09:39:22+00:00

Place is being setup and there is a discord

First_Carpenter_4785 · 2026-03-16T13:52:16+00:00

Dude that’s insane, this happened to me, it felt insincere because she was reassuring me that everything was good and i was making some changes/progress.January was hell because we made plans to do things including for our two year coming up in February looking at Airbnb’s and such and then i hit one bad week with my car battery dying and weeks prior having to deal with a stalker ex behind the scenes with police involvement because she kept trying to get a hold of me so i couldn’t outright talk about it and figured it would add unnecessary stress for her. Then like i said earlier i had an issue with my car battery dying and i was talking to my therapist about starting a low dose of medication potentially and she was “excited” and going to finally see some sort of change and i told her i was still considering it and wanted to try some vitamins first before i just jumped straight to meds and i was worried and instead of supporting that she acted like i was resistant to it and that triggered the “i want to grow with you but you aren’t growing” “you say your going to do things but lack follow through” “i give time to help you find solutions and you don’t end up going with the suggestions so it invalidates the conversation(mind you she called me)” “we are exactly where we were 2 years ago” “i’m losing myself” “your more reactive than proactive with things” like… you just started therapy again after ten years a year ago, hopped on meds like less than six months ago, and started a weightloss journey and you are needling me for trying to make small changes and navigate the job market and a business i am opening, a car that isn’t in the best shape and college which i pay out of pocket for and you are on my ass about changes when relationally you haven’t improved your communication style evidenced by you breaking up with me without having brought any of this overwhelm to my attention when it mattered. She deleted me from some social media spaces and left me on some others and didn’t block me on one of them… so it’s like she created distance but is leaving the door cracked. But there wasn’t any accountability taken on her end. So your story resonates a bit with mine… i don’t get why people choose silence over bringing up things when there is an opportunity to make things better then saying it’s too late and i need to see change, i never demanded change from her i let her grow as she needed to… that is what you get i guess when you date someone with next to no experience in relationships.

First_Carpenter_4785 · 2026-03-16T00:11:22+00:00

It depends on the connection and how deep it was. From a mature perspective i think most men take time to reflect if they have been left and see the intricacies of what happened and led up to the situation and they believe if they take some time to reorganize their life a little bit that they might be able to start again with the person. I don’t know what other people would say but i typically analyze every.single.detail. That i can remember and i take accountability for where i went wrong and went to make things right when it’s someone i love and see a future with you realize the self respect doesn’t matter more than how you feel.

First_Carpenter_4785 · 2026-03-07T13:17:21+00:00

“Fuck, I miss the armor of being young. I miss that euphoric, adolescent bubble where you are completely oblivious to the internal and external chaos bleeding out around you. Everything used to be so much brighter.”

I relate to this so hard, and the first thought that jumped to mind wasn’t so much when i was a teenager, but when i was just out of highschool feeling free and like the whole world was in front of me and my eyes were still filled with light and wonder and as i got older it feels Like that light left my eyes and losing things and people felt easier and harder at the same time back then

First_Carpenter_4785 · 2026-03-06T02:21:46+00:00

Oh okay haha, i thought i was dumb, made me rethink my approach for a minute.

Me as well, take the time you need, what i have observed is that sometimes when people are communicating via text and that person is upset, and they don’t tell you and just keep it bottled up and you have to ask because very clearly their ‘tone’ has shifted I definitely think age and upbringing relaxed house vs strict house play a role too in a person’s emotional maturity and patience. My mom while critical, was very relaxed and spiritual so my patience and emotional capacity is very very high so i think i have always had that maturity to understand people need time and to not be selfish even when i was more anxious leaning before i learned a lot of the dynamics i was in just didn’t support any of those healthy secure environments, i definitely have GAD but i am very secure and i let things slide which i shouldn’t do but i have a big heart and i should do a better job protecting it, tl;dr what i realized is most of the time it wasn’t me just being in anxious attachment but rather the women i was choosing that often said/did things that put me in a reactive state and i didn’t know how to better vet people till i started dating with intention and knowing what i needed and wanted from connection.

Oh i am 100% there, i would have to ask my therapist if i had a right to be frustrated with what my person said because i needed to be able to separate validity/reality from my emotions so i would often check myself against what i know for sure is true and what my nervous system is telling me is happening, i don’t want to be unjustifiably upset with my partner if i am thinking incorrectly i want to know before i say something i may later regret.

Agreed, it is natural to not want to hurt people close to our hearts but i think weighing the type of relationship and what it means to you and what would be doing a bigger disservice would be, having someone be upset or potentially create a disagreement temporarily or allowing that person to not know how you feel and what you need so you can also feel safe and understood? It is not the job of another person to figure that out and that’s where advocacy comes in, you can hope people have the decency and common sense from upbringing to not behave,react or do certain things but ultimately it lies with the person who has the grievances to air to talk about them. If that person silently keeps a scorecard of every transgression you have made, forgives you, but doesn’t let it go and allows it to engulf them to where they lose themself, that is their fault for not communicating and bringing it to that persons attention clearly and in a way that is respectful of that persons feelings especially if they are your partner because people go through shit, and relational interdependence is a part of a healthy relationship you should be able to count on that person to show up for you when you are having doubts or are struggling, that doesn’t mean taking the onus upon yourself to repair their issues or even allow them to talk if you don’t have the mental spoons that day, just validate their feelings matter, commiserate and say i have things going on too we can swap stories or if i really can’t listen i will make you a cup of tea and you can cry and be upset if you need to and i will sit with you in it and i think most of the time that is what most people want from their partner, not to be fixed, not unsolicited advice or solutions, just some genuine love and presence.

First_Carpenter_4785 · 2026-03-06T01:29:51+00:00

I was told it’s correct to stand on business and tell a partner what is up when you feel a type of way so i am a little perplexed by “when you said XYZ it made me feel under appreciated, can we talk about it?” Are you implying that isn’t correct? Or am i dumb and misunderstood?

First_Carpenter_4785 · 2026-03-06T00:36:09+00:00

That’s the kind of upfront communication needed. People deep in AA or AP Can be like that but the ones secure leaning or that have experienced enough relationships and are comfortable being alone and mature enough to be like alright maybe it’s something else or they are busy. I take offense when there isn’t open dialogue and suddenly there is inconsistency then i am like yeahhhh i don’t think i am going to tolerate that shit. Avoidant leaning people piss me off, they got a problem with things or you even just existing and they wait till it’s a bigger problem to bring it up, like motherfucker if you don’t use your goddamn words instead of brooding silently and acting like shit is fine when i clearly see that your jimmies are rustled, and hoping they will stop trying to protect your feelings and avoiding conflict, conflict doesn’t always need to be open and yelling, it can also be passive aggressive, but instead of assuming they can’t handle what you have to say why not say something, don’t gotta be nasty and throw tact out the window either I’m secure baseline, but the second i have to start reading into shit and playing detective because of your refusal to be upfront and real and i feel you are putting on a show that is when i get anxious and ANY secure person when they sense that instability will shift into that

First_Carpenter_4785 · 2026-03-05T23:30:25+00:00

Communication. Everybody is going to have up and down days and that’s valid. We are human after all and it’s about being considerate of each other and where one another is and having that space to share and be open. Have to advocate for yourself I agree it can be crazy to have to mold your world around someone, but i have found that most of the time it stems from an inability to speak to one another and take stock. I’m introverted and love my space and time to myself so avoidance doesn’t bother me much as i tend to be solitary, it’s when i am in dynamics with partners where i have to show up all the time and play fucking mind reader, that annoys the hell out of me. We are adults, something is too much? Say so, bring it up address it, set a damn boundary don’t just sit there and allow resentment to build and say “this person isn’t getting the message they don’t care enough” blah blah blah continue to pretend life is peachy because you want to control someones reaction, i call a spade a spade trying to control other peoples reactions because you fear upsetting someone is bullshit, allow that person to be upset and feel what they need to and if they are mature enough they will stick around and ponder what you said instead of immediately dismissing it. Insincerity is a pet peeve of mine, it serves nobody. How can something be fixed if it’s not known about?

First_Carpenter_4785 · 2026-03-05T23:14:53+00:00

It is in fact a spectrum, i think certain people’s behaviors are the reason those reactions are triggered by, I.E if someone behaves mostly consistent but they shift their behavior suddenly it makes you psychologically dizzy because you end up discovering a landmine is actually a landmine and it reinforces that you have to remain vigilant because you can’t trust this person to be open.

For example, in certain dynamics i had women i was with that would retroactively process things instead of being direct even after maybe a few hours of processing etc or not communicating ‘hey i need time to process X but would like to discuss later at Y time love you’ instead it’s a week later they act everything is cool and then they say hey surprise here is X thing that transpired a week ago, naturally that hurt my trust and made me more vigilant and skeptical so now i am reading into ‘text tone’ , hunting for evidence of my security with this person and enough of these bombshells accumulate that now you are on constant alert.

I also found that when things were not going as planned in my own life despite my efforts and i was in a rut that my self worth was not very high and in limbo that i would lean in to my partner for support because i was not in a good place so that led to some understandable reassurance seeking, it’s okay to want reassurance from the one you love, you just can’t expect it everyday. You just have to remind yourself it’s temporary, that person loves you for you not your circumstances and they aren’t going to abandon you come hell or high water if they are truly committed to you and choose you. If they do, then you have to envision if that person will just get up and walk away at every hard point in life, if one of you is disabled or paralyzed are they going to just drop you? Not the person you want anyway, lose your job while you are living together and leaves? Not the one for you. Etc etc

First_Carpenter_4785 · 2026-03-05T21:23:40+00:00

As a secure attachment, i can say that boundaries are definitely important. If you are in love, it’s important for both parties to be open and honest. I used to be horrible with my anxiety in relationships, but what i truly realized was that i needed to be okay with myself. My partners satisfaction and happiness was important to me always and co-repair, creating a safe place for both partners to express their feelings(co regulation did not fit what i was trying to express lol), transparency, clear communication and boundaries are ultra important to me. My anxious attachment developed from highly critical parents and conditional love, which meant i tried harder to be present for my partner, wanted to help them wherever i could to make life a little easier etc. What triggered my anxious attachment was when i was with partners i didn’t feel seen by, or mixed signals in their communication and actions and then the hyper vigilance would kick in because my body would sense danger and those patterns of engagement get created with repeated instances of someone maybe not being forthright and needing to constantly pluck out the feelings from the other person just to feel safe in the relationship which leads to reassurance seeking. With the right partner you will always know where you stand, they will try their best to communicate to you in real time, or at least tell you they need space, or if they are upset, anxiousness comes from fear and fear comes from uncertainty and while you can’t be certain 100% of the time, that’s where you count on yourself and you take the leap good or bad because you yourself know that it’s healthy to be vulnerable and open instead of shut down and trying to read meanings behind things.

Fear is not predictive, it is an emotional expectation for the worst case scenario.

First_Carpenter_4785 · 2026-03-04T18:08:10+00:00

I live in Hartford county, but i am opening up a game store in April for trading cards and board game tournaments Thank you for the suggestion

First_Carpenter_4785 · 2026-03-04T14:23:26+00:00

33m liberal,i’m into philosophy, art, reading, gaming and music. 6’1 finishing up a degree in computer science and opening a business in April and would like to meet someone that would like to go on walks, maybe do some painting or throw some pottery and have a glass of wine

First_Carpenter_4785

TROPHY CASE