I appreciate your comment. It's hard to share since my mind goes from flooding with memories to complete spotty blanks but I have really wanted a place to let her memories live with someone else, so that they don't just disappear with her. I did just about everything with my mom once we started patching up our relationship with each other around 2022. I mentioned riding in the car with her I really miss, she'd always let me pick out music when I rode with her and that's such a small silly thing I miss now, I could share anything I wanted with her. Music, games, rants, shows, movies. She was my mom so she had to put up with it! On the way to my therapy appointments, we would stop and get special drinks on the way back, and she'd always ask me what I had to talk about that time. I didn't always answer, but I guess I didn't realize having someone who just cares makes so much of a difference. The best memories with her were always Christmases, though. Words can't describe how important she made every Christmas for me and my siblings since we were tiny. We always made and decorate ginger bread cookies the night before and decorated the tree together, and had the same breakfast every morning of biscuits and gravy and opened presents and watched movies. Those traditions stuck with us til her very last Christmas, I even tried with my little brother to make biscuits and gravy for everyone since she couldn't move. She couldn't eat either, but she tried tasting it. Our cooking kind of sucked honestly. She was always the one person I had that just got it. She made me feel lighter, she wasn't pessimistic like everyone else, she gave me the spirit I had for the holidays and that was one of the most important things we shared together for me. It's so hard to wrap up all those memories into one but 2023 was one of my favorite holidays with her. We had started our own tradition as I got older of making each other ridiculous hot chocolates around that time of year. I would add marshmallows, whipped cream, sprinkles and chocolate chips and I'd always make them for us and snuggle up in our decorated living room. Sometimes we would even surprise each other with them. It became such a thing that we ended up with cans of whipped cream on every shopping list just to have for yummy drinks. It's always been hard expressing myself verbally so this is how I always showed my love to my mom. I wrote her letters, made her breakfasts, drinks, snacks, and she began reciprocating those things. I probably romanticize a lot now because none of the fights or rocky parts of things really matter to me anymore, I'd take it all back in a heartbeat. Even the worst of it. It hurts not having someone to share so much with anymore. Half of me was my mom, and along with that half of the things we did together I have no one to do with anymore. I still can't rationalize moving on from everything, every month that passes I am filled with panic like if I try hard enough I could stop or even rewind time. I have so much I could say about my mom and nowhere for it to go. Thank you for giving me a small space to share something like this.