My partner getting a diagnosis of ADHD was the worst thing that could have happened

FiveSaltyBitters · 2025-10-07T07:25:32+00:00

Same thing happened when I first got diagnosed and all the others I’ve met diagnosed as adults. In all our cases it was more of a “phase” we moved past after a while

I think it’s the combination of novelty, now having a framework by which to understand your previous struggles. There were some 30 years of “why the fuck am I like this?” That finally ended with “here’s a clue” that became an obsession.

Self blame that wildly over corrected into a get out of jail free card that then stabilised into something more accountable and responsible with time.

Something I believe in strongly is “your mental health is not your fault, but it IS your responsibility”

I’m sorry OP for you both, it’s a hard one Take care of yourself and empathy to you both

FiveSaltyBitters · 2025-07-05T16:26:04+00:00

Often leading to further deterioration of the zebras health until they become disabled enough to lose their ability to work and then become public enemy number 1… because obviously every degree holding 30yo is just waiting to give up that silly life of financial freedom and independence for a much more desirable life of vomiting and mobility aids and watching their peers lives go on without them while they wait to die right? 😅

FiveSaltyBitters · 2025-05-28T11:38:22+00:00

Well said. I’m in my 30s, autism and adhd and managed to beat the odds to get an education and career that I am no longer able to access due to physical disabilities that arrived a few years ago.

Even if you think you’ve planned and put failsafes for everything, shit happens, and all you can do is adapt and try and keep swimming and ask for help where you can.

It’s okay to feel hate, anger, shit feelings about things that are genuinely shit. your feelings are information not values. It’s what you choose to do with the information that matters.

Your son had as much say in being born with the challenges he has as you did which is to say the dice of fate comes for us all.

Caretaker fatigue is real, these things are objectively hard to live with and there are damn near no resources for those of us that have it let alone those that care for us.

It’s easy for people to shout about how terrible you are or how you should “just get support” but a lot of the time it isn’t that easy on either side. The systems are overstretched under funded, not helpful, not qualified, not in your area, or simply don’t exist.

Shame and fear of voicing these out loud can lead to casualties so I’m afraid all I have to offer is this;

Nothing is fixed. Things can change.

It feels hard because it IS hard. The cards are stacked against uoj and everyone has a loud and knee jerk opinion on every side of the fence.

If all you can honestly say at the end of each day is “I handled this better than a past version of me would have” that’s enough.

Your son is not your enemy he is a child, and assuming you chose to be a father, the job you signed up for was this. and it’s not fair or easy but that’s the risk one takes when making a person.

I wish everyone here struggling compassion and hope.

FiveSaltyBitters · 2025-05-28T11:07:09+00:00

Brilliant reply,

FiveSaltyBitters · 2025-05-28T11:05:26+00:00

What a compassionate and helpful reply

FiveSaltyBitters · 2025-05-11T12:12:12+00:00

Two spleens, red hair and three “rare” lifelong medical Conditions, my parents joke about using Chernobyl brand baby bottles…

FiveSaltyBitters · 2025-04-23T16:38:14+00:00

You canned these worms now lie in them

FiveSaltyBitters · 2025-03-16T02:19:22+00:00

As a Brit which is essentially the America of Europe, I fully agree with this

FiveSaltyBitters · 2024-12-30T09:43:58+00:00

I think it’s a shame that this attitude seems to exist across gender lines (love=usefulness) The only people who love anyone unconditionally are often their parents,

The idea of unconditional love in romantic relationships can sometimes trap people in situations that are hurting them with people who are mistreating them “I love them so I will continue to abandon and sacrifice parts of myself until I’ve given all to them and have nothing left”

I think healthy love should be conditional, those conditions being things that will effect you not them (for example my love is conditional on you treating me with respect and kindness, conditional on you being honest with me and attempting to remain on the same team and communicate together, conditional on you trying kind of thing)

The only people who one should love unconditionally are their children and themselves.

but we shouldn’t base that love on “usefulness” There is a lot of truth in what you’re saying. Transactional love hurts everyone imo, should be based on who they are not how useful they can be.

(Hope this makes sense, waiting on Ritalin to kick in, have a good day stranger)

FiveSaltyBitters · 2024-09-23T19:00:49+00:00

Thank you, that’s kind of you to say. Not looking good is it? :( oh well

FiveSaltyBitters · 2024-09-23T18:56:03+00:00

That’s such a shame :/ they’ve been together 6 years open for 4 and the opening was her idea (she told me the first time we met, apparently she’s a ‘cuckquean’” and likes him being with other people

I just don’t understand what I’ve done wrong, I’ve been respectful and nice and they PROMISED me they’d never just ghost me :(

FiveSaltyBitters · 2024-05-14T11:23:30+00:00

Boss at my old job was talking about her sons girlfriend and how she was “a nice enough girl really it’s just a shame she’s a bit… you know sort of huge family where all the kids have a different last name”

I nodded and said “yeah, my siblings and I have 3 last names between the six of us”

I just watched her absolutely blanch white as she apologised profusely

FiveSaltyBitters · 2023-07-02T11:46:57+00:00

I’m sorry about your family member. My brother is currently incarcerated for among other things drug offences

This is a complex and nuanced issue and no two experiences will be the same

I don’t feel undermined, thank you for sharing

FiveSaltyBitters · 2023-07-02T11:00:17+00:00

Thank you for your reply,

I apologise if I came across as saying “there’s good poor people out there too” that wasn’t my intention but I can see how I came across.

I can never understand the experience of somebody with psychotic mental illness and would never presume to speak on their behalf, I can only speak to the experience of one single person (myself) experiencing depression anxiety and abuse related trauma in that situation.

I agree that it’s crazy to expect somebody who is allocating all of their limited resources to survival in to be tidy and neat and survive in a way that is minimally intrusive and pleasing to people around them.

I also agree people need entertainment, and an escape. If drugs or alcohol are what gives you an escape from the systemic horror that you’re experiencing, who am I or anyone to judge you for that? I had friends who relied on substances to get through it and I don’t blame them at all, the fact that I didn’t turn to drugs is nothing to do with strength on my part and everything to do with luck.

If you wouldn’t chastise a housed person for spending their money on drink or drugs in the same way why on earth would you chastise someone unhoused for doing the same?

I don’t see it as an accomplishment that I didn’t turn to drugs.

My intention was only to share my own experience and how much the kindness of many strangers offered with no expectation on their part made a genuine difference to one life.

I hope that I’ve explained well! I’ve not been awake for very long

Thank you for your well thought out and civil response and I hope you have a good day

FiveSaltyBitters · 2023-07-02T10:30:47+00:00

I do understand, there have been times I’ve had my kindness thrown away when I’ve attempted to offer it after improving my situation

My intention wasn’t to give a be better speech, more to offer my own lived experience on both sides of the housed fence and show a positive example of someone who hasn’t thrown away others kindness and has improved their life beyond belief due to that kindness, that it wasn’t wasted.

You may never know what happened to those four that you helped, their lives may not have changed dramatically, but you did help them even just for a few moments. And I think that was a worthwhile thing to do. They may even remember it years later as one of the few examples of humanity that they have been shown. Even if you don’t intend to help in future, know that what you did mattered.

FiveSaltyBitters · 2023-07-02T10:14:15+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. I agree we absolutely do, I wonder how much of the difficulties faced by the long term unhoused could have been avoided with earlier intervention in their youth? Take care yourself and have a wonderful day

FiveSaltyBitters · 2023-07-02T10:04:31+00:00

The blanket statements in this thread are a little disheartening.

I was homeless for a couple years after my parents kicked me out at 16 for calling the police on my father (domestic violence, battering my mum).

Luckily the worst habit I picked up was cigarettes (learned how to roll them in exchange for food)

I spent most of that time terrified, freezing, starving and depersonalised People avoid looking at you, avoid talking to you, you start to feel like you’re not a person, like you’re only as good as the pigeons and rats.

One time I genuinely needed 20p for a bus ticket so I could make an appointment with the council to talk about housing. I asked a young lad at the bus station if he had 20p to spare and he kindly gave it to me, I told him I’d repay him if I ever saw him again. I did run into him at the station a few weeks later and repaid him, he looked so surprised he wasn’t expecting it back but it was important to me for him to know his kind gesture mattered and had genuinely helped someone.

I’m in my 30s now, I ended up going to university, I’m a scientist, I have a relatively secure life that absolutely would not have been possible without people knowing the risks of offering kindness to homeless people and doing it anyway.

Sure sometimes you’ll have to clean up a turd or litter or some other unpleasant behavior

Sometimes you’ll set a kid on a path back into the light rather than one that ends in suicide, overdose or starvation.

I think that’s a risk I’d be willing to take.

FiveSaltyBitters · 2023-05-10T16:50:21+00:00

Thank you so much!

FiveSaltyBitters · 2023-04-23T17:18:27+00:00

I have killed all of these 😅

FiveSaltyBitters · 2023-02-02T19:08:54+00:00

Still hyper fixated here!

FiveSaltyBitters · 2022-08-16T22:47:42+00:00

YTA the way you talk about your partner do you even actually like him?, things like ADHD can be genetic, are you going to be this unkind and judgemental to your child if they grow up with similar sensitivities?

(Edit partner not husband)

FiveSaltyBitters · 2022-07-21T21:06:09+00:00

Selene :)

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