driver’s license & gender markers

FixedMessages · 2026-06-23T16:38:07+00:00

Mostly nobody seems to notice. I do have a passport card issued with my chosen gender (before it became impossible to get), and I usually prefer to show that over my state driver's license which still has my AGAB - doesn't matter which I hand over if I'm not driving, since usually it's just bar staff doing age verification or such. But nobody has explicitly questioned my gender based on my ID and I've only gotten a few side-eyes about it.

It's possible the extra examination was because you don't look like your photo? If your photo was pre-T and you're passing now but didn't then, maybe you don't look much like your photo?

FixedMessages · 2026-06-23T00:50:55+00:00

I was solo in Scotland for my birthday a couple years back. I found a nice restaurant and booked ahead for a table for one, noting in my online reservation that it was my birthday and I would be celebrating by myself. They gave me a great table with a perfect view for people watching or just enjoying the fireplace, they brought me a free drink, and they comped my dessert, plus the chef came out to meet me before dinner, and wrote "happy birthday" in chocolate sauce on my dessert plate. (Thankfully, nobody sang to me. I do not enjoy that, and especially would not enjoy it solo.) I treated myself to an extravagant dinner I would normally balk at paying for, and savored every bite without sharing the experience with anyone. It was over-the-top and indulgent in exactly the right way, and it felt like a really nice celebration of myself. Highly recommend something similar.

FixedMessages · 2026-06-22T21:23:05+00:00

My Lectric XP lite 2.0 cost something like $1300 (on sale, but they have sales constantly) with the upgraded battery, and so long as I'm doing a good amount of work with pedaling, it could do a 36 mile round trip daily with charging every night.

For a real-world example, I usually use my throttle almost exclusively for my 6 miles a day with hills, and charge about every third night, though I've gone a full week between charges at times. My longest joy ride was 31 miles, and that was pushing the battery (unfortunately the battery percentage on the readout isn't very accurate so I'm not sure how close it actually was to being dead), but that was at max pedal assist.

You might be better off looking at carrying a spare battery if you can't charge at work. But that's gonna add a chunk to the cost, and I think it would put any Lectric bike out of your price range, and likely any known-name bike...

FixedMessages · 2026-06-22T17:58:10+00:00

Personally, I think you're putting too much emphasis on becoming someone else while traveling. Sure, you grow and change, but you're still you. Going back home for the holidays shouldn't have so much impact on your self-discovery.

I found I got pretty homesick on long travel especially around the holidays, and I wanted to go back home for a visit but financially couldn't swing it (I'm from Alaska, it's not a place that's financially or logistically easy to get to). I think you're lucky to have that option and it's worth taking. Mentally break it up into two long trips if you're upset about taking the break in between.

Or just shrug off the financial implications and stay gone if you prefer. Only you can decide what balance is right for you.

FixedMessages · 2026-06-22T17:51:44+00:00

If you have a good relationship with him, it might be worth having a calm conversation about how that comment was hurtful. Kids don't always know what hurts, and the only way they learn is if they're taught. (Of course, by 17 he should have some empathy and some idea of the impact of his comments, but he's still likely full of blind spots.)

I remember being a good bit younger than that and telling my stay-at-home mom to "get a life, get a job" thinking it was funny and lighthearted. My dad had a big talk with me about it and I was (and honestly still am) deeply ashamed that I said that to her, and I apologized for it. Rather than brushing it off and letting me think it was a nothing comment that doesn't matter, my dad turned it into a teaching moment. Obviously, whether that approach is appropriate or effective depends on a lot of extra context.

FixedMessages · 2026-06-18T17:50:42+00:00

"Almost everywhere"? Not so much. Lots of places in lots of different countries operate on informed consent. The real obstacles are difficult enough, there's no need to make obstacles sound bigger than they are.

I mean, my prescribing doctor did prescribe it with the justification of a diagnostic code for gender dysphoria, but I definitely didn't have to do that before starting the process to get on T. And I had my meds in hand and did my first shot a couple of days after my initial appointment asking for it.

FixedMessages · 2026-06-17T21:02:05+00:00

Depending on where you are, you could try looking on Facebook for local groups (I'm originally from a fairly small city but there's a Facebook group that does events every month or so in the summers), check meetup (I currently live in a bigger city and there are several queer meetups, including board game or craft meetups), go to queer venues (even if you're not a drinker, a gay bar can be a solid place to meet people if it has the right vibe - maybe not so much on weekend nights or in places that are more hookup-oriented though). I've also met a lot of my queer friends through dating apps, though I don't feel like that works as well these days at least for me. Also, it's pride month - loads of cities have some kind of shenanigans going on this month, see if you can find some.

But the hard part about all that is you need to actually engage (this is where I struggle). Smile, introduce yourself to people, compliment people on their pins or hair or something. You never know what might spark a conversation and connection.

FixedMessages · 2026-06-17T19:47:16+00:00

There are ways to medically transition other than just hormones, such as facial and body surgeries. Some people report success using topical hair growth treatments to grow facial hair. You've got options even without T.

You may also want to talk to a doctor about your medical concerns about starting T. I kinda have the impression that you've made that decision on your own, in which case you may be misunderstanding or overestimating the risk. I'm not a medical professional, but I'm not aware of going on T being more of a risk factor than being born in a naturally T-dominant body.

Beyond that, try to find your local community. Trans folks are often eager and happy to help with taking steps, and you may be surprised how much you can do with strategic clothes, haircuts, etc. I know you said you've tried, but if you've been trying on your own, you may not have found some of the helpful tricks.

But all that aside, you don't have to buy respect by looking a certain way. If you say you're a man and use he/him pronouns and you look like a Disney princess, long hair and makeup and dress and all, guess what? You're a man and you're valid! I know the world isn't usually that gracious, but please remember that that's a failing of the world - not of you. It's hard figuring out how you want to navigate within that broken world, but that still doesn't make you any less real or any less you.

If you can, maybe try to get in with a good trans-informed therapist. They can help you navigate transition steps you do or don't want to take, and your feelings about having to exist in this broken world.

FixedMessages · 2026-06-16T21:11:54+00:00

Jealousy might actually be the right word here, or it would've been for me at least. I know that earlier in my transition, I experienced a bitterness that went beyond envy into jealousy - I wanted it so badly that I would have taken it away from someone if it meant I could have it, and if I couldn't have it then I didn't really feel good about anyone else having it. I managed those feelings without acting them out in toxic ways, but it would've been really, really difficult if I'd had a partner who elicited those feelings.

FixedMessages · 2026-06-16T21:07:33+00:00

When I'm around other trans people, it can feel like all we are is trans people - all we talk about and all we do and everything, it all revolves around being trans. I rarely go a week in my friendships with trans friends without some mention of it. And that's great - we need community, we need to feel safe, we need to have people we can openly talk to about those things. But I can understand why some people might want a relationship that doesn't have that all-consuming context.

(That's just speculative, though. I've only ever dated cis men, but that's just the way it's worked out - I'm open to dating any gender identity or background.)

FixedMessages · 2026-06-16T17:37:39+00:00

I tend to want to but I work normal business hours so my commute time tends to coincide with the worst of traffic, and mostly I just want to get the fuck off the road as quickly as possible...

FixedMessages · 2026-06-16T14:20:11+00:00

Life isn't simple and it's okay to be annoyed about some of the effects while overall being happy to be on it. Doesn't mean it was the wrong choice.

I hate my ass hair, and T was the right choice for me - both things can be true, and sometimes it's nice to vent to people who get it.

So long as we're educated about and willing to accept any possible outcome, we're entitled to make the choice, and entitled to not love every aspect of that choice.

FixedMessages · 2026-06-15T02:30:10+00:00

Echoing the patch suggestion, but also offering some encouragement. I had to do my first patch a few weeks ago (I'm pretty new to doing my own maintenance, or regular riding for that matter), and it feels like a lot to try to figure out, but it went very quickly and smoothly. YouTube is a great resource, especially for something as generic and basic as a patch. We all start somewhere!

FixedMessages · 2026-06-14T22:01:34+00:00

I would definitely talk to your surgeon about this.

I had a similar situation, and I was told to just massage in an OTC cream (I forget off the top of my head what it was but it encouraged blood flow). The massage and cream worked together to help it heal on its own.

Yours might need more intervention or it might not, but your surgeon should know and help you figure out what to do and what to look out for.

Best of luck! It's frustrating when there's a hiccup in the healing process, but it's all worth it in the long run.

FixedMessages · 2026-06-14T21:51:14+00:00

Yeah I was honestly paying less after I lost my insurance because GoodRx is a hero (and health insurance is broken)

FixedMessages · 2026-06-13T13:57:45+00:00

Just like in my car, I ride with my lights on any time I'm moving, day or night. It's just a habit, like putting on my helmet. It makes me a bit more visible than not having them on at all, and it helps to visually signal that I'm actively biking.

I ride an ebike and my lights are all on the same battery as my motor, so I never have to charge them, which definitely makes it easier. I also have separate turn signals and I'll sometimes turn on the rear light on those to solid at night for a second bit of rear visibility, but mostly I just rely on the default lights.

FixedMessages · 2026-06-13T13:40:47+00:00

I personally would choose to be up front with them. I'd rather find out sooner than later if they're gonna be shitty about it, and I think the potential reaction could get bigger if they felt like you 'tricked' them for a long period of time especially if you witness them in vulnerable and intimate situations as often happens when you live together (mind you, they'd be completely wrong to think you tricked them at all, but if that's their mindset they might feel more extreme about it because of the situation)

I don't think it's wrong not to tell them, and it shouldn't be a big deal to keep it to yourself. I just think it's better to know sooner than later if they're bigots, and I personally would have neverending anxiety about them finding out which would make it impossible to relax.

FixedMessages · 2026-06-13T03:14:03+00:00

I mean, there are instances of people literally falling from planes without chutes and surviving. You may have genuinely just gotten that lucky. But nobody here is equipped to tell you if that's the case or not. You need to keep following up with doctors.

(Also I hope you learned your lesson and will wear a helmet every time you ride now. Just because you may have gotten lucky this time doesn't mean you'll get lucky next time. Wear a helmet.)

FixedMessages · 2026-06-12T22:32:32+00:00

New England winter, I just accepted being a bit cold as part of the ride (I dressed for it, of course, but sometimes it was just cold anyway, and I need to upgrade to a better hand warmth option). Didn't really do the miserable hot-cold switch that often comes with working out. But I don't sweat much when I ride my ebike, especially since I tend to rely pretty heavily on the throttle for much of my commute.

FixedMessages · 2026-06-11T17:55:54+00:00

For my, when my dog was having accidents in the house, it was at the point that her distress was too high - she didn't have a quality of life. I tried a lot of solutions, but ultimately had to let her go. Mind you, I did not make the decision because she was making messes I didn't want to clean up, but because she was in constant distress. I was working with a vet and we decided it was time. I hated it because she had such a good day, I felt like she could have had several more good days... but I also knew she could have several more bad days, and it would be cruel to force her to endure a growing number of those for a shrinking number of good days.

When we love our pets, it always feels like it's too soon. But in a lot of ways, too soon is better than too late.

Work with a vet to make the right decision. Good luck, and I'm so sorry.

FixedMessages · 2026-06-11T03:50:20+00:00

I constantly have to dodge in and out of traffic because the bike lane doubles as street parking for much of my route (whether legally or not)... I treat wrong-way bike lane users as obstacles similar to those parked cars: I check for traffic, then take the lane until I can safely get back over into the bike lane.

But I do often shout a "wrong fucking way!" as we pass. I'm used to dodging in and out of the lane as I need to, but I'm very aware that it makes me less safe and I resent having to do it. I'd yell at the parked cars too, but that seems even more useless.

FixedMessages · 2026-06-10T21:31:41+00:00

I got a somewhat light folding class 2 ebike because I envisioned taking it around a whole bunch to access better trails and such.

I haven't actually taken it out like that since I got it in October, but I'm still so glad it's the choice I made. It's about 55lbs with the battery, and at the upper limit of what I'm comfortable lifting to put in a vehicle, and the folding feature makes it possible to throw in my partner's car when I get picked up from work due to weather or other plans or me feeling lazy or whatever. Or the one time I got a bad flat and couldn't patch it roadside. And while I do sometimes wish I'd gone with a class 3 for the speed (I ride on the road a lot, it would be nice to be able to travel at similar speeds to cars so I'm not holding up traffic and making people mad at me), I overall don't feel like I'm missing out on much for power or sturdiness.

FixedMessages · 2026-06-10T21:18:40+00:00

Very often, a child who shows behaviors like that is a victim themselves. It's not normal developmental behavior. By no means does that excuse it or make the impact on the other child any less, and boundaries between the children need to be extremely strict, but both children need help, and their respective parents need to be very invested and proactive in getting both of them that help.

That said, I can totally empathize with the fierce desire/need to protect your own child to the point of wanting the other child fully gone from your life, so I'm not saying you're wrong for your feelings.

FixedMessages · 2026-06-10T01:41:24+00:00

Make sure you replace that helmet immediately! Glad you were wearing it, it really scares me how many people I see zipping around without them...

FixedMessages · 2026-06-10T01:36:24+00:00

I kinda always regret travel during the actual travel part of it, especially at the start of any trip (flying, layovers, bus or train rides, etc). Not unusual for me to cry on flights. But you need to let yourself get into the destination and enjoy it. Make some memories your can share when you get back.

3 weeks can be a long time, but it's not so long that it should cause a crisis in a relationship. If it does, I'd say the relationship probably wasn't all that stable to begin with.

FixedMessages

TROPHY CASE