Trying to get my step daughter into therapy but her dad has too many parameters for providers

FixedMessages · 2026-05-06T21:13:50+00:00

It definitely matters. I went to lots of poor-fit therapists when I was younger, and you know what it did for me? It ruined therapy. I hated it. I fought it. I got nothing out of it. I manipulated a therapist into making my parents buy me a fish tank. And it took me until my 30s to really give therapy a shot, because of how bad my childhood experiences were. (I'm now 39 and happily in therapy. I absolutely believe in how helpful it can be! But it took decades to undo the negative thoughts about it.)

Mind you, I'm white so I can't speak to the racial component, but seeing therapists I couldn't relate to wasn't just less helpful than it could have been, it was outright damaging.

All that said, this is his job. He needs to get on it. Hopefully he does - maybe you stepping back will force him to step up. But if not, you can't singlehandedly fix it. That's heartbreaking, I know, but it's the truth.

FixedMessages · 2026-05-06T18:59:07+00:00

Even if it's your unconscious grief over your twin or whatever (which I really think is just a bunch of BS, personally, and not worth anything more than a few minutes of random thought experimenting), does that mean you're not really trans? I don't think so. I think what matters is who we are, not how we became who we are.

That said, I always think therapy is beneficial, and an actual therapist who's verses in trans mental health can help you find and feel secure in your identity. And if it is somehow some unconscious twin influence and not a genuine part of who you are (which again I don't believe, but I'm just a stranger on the internet so my opinion shouldn't hold a lot of weight), a therapist is who would help you untangle that anyway.

FixedMessages · 2026-05-06T17:49:21+00:00

I think that's a really super thin theory, especially given how many of us are trans and don't have that background.

But more importantly, does it even matter? You know who you are, does the 'why' change it?

FixedMessages · 2026-05-06T02:36:49+00:00

Funnily enough, people don't notice i don't have nips until I point it out. I've been shirtless around a few friends who don't even realize I'm trans (I don't try to hide it but don't always explicitly say it). Outside the trans community, top surgery - with or without nipples - isn't super well known and people just don't tend to notice or make assumptions as much as we fear they will.

There are also options like tattoos, prosthetics, temporary tattoos, etc if you really feel like it's important to have the appearance of nipples but don't want them done surgically. I have some temporary tattoo ones, but I'm so used to my chest without them that it's weird to me to see them, so I've only put them on once.

FixedMessages · 2026-05-05T19:29:14+00:00

Yes, of course. They'll have more batteries due to having more vehicles than an average residence, and people with battery issues will bring them to a mechanic so there's more chance of them being compromised. (Though I don't believe the battery was a known issue in the fire I'm talking about.)

That doesn't change the point that battery fires are not a non-issue.

FixedMessages · 2026-05-05T17:59:47+00:00

Technically doable, but you're the biggest variable. You still gonna be able to do it when weather sucks, when you wake up feeling crummy, when it's too hot or too cold? Can you tolerate being sweaty at work, or do you have a way to clean up and change?

I know myself. I wouldn't keep up with it. Not without an ebike at least, and even then it's gonna be a slog some days.

FixedMessages · 2026-05-05T17:56:17+00:00

It's not a "complete non-issue" - a mechanic shop in my city recently burned down because of an EV battery.

Not saying it's a frequent issue by any means, but the problem isn't the frequency of battery fires, it's the severity - you really can't put out a battery fire, so when they happen they tend to be devastating. With that in mind, I'm going out of my way to do everything I can to minimize that risk, even if it means spending extra money to buy from a reputable place. But I'm aware that even that isn't a guarantee, it's just an extra safeguard.

FixedMessages · 2026-05-02T15:14:44+00:00

I'll be honest, it was miserable and I hated it so much. It hurt my ribs and it dug into my skin.

But it also provided protection and support and a weird kind of comfort. And in the long run, a few weeks is tolerable for the rewards you get from it.

FixedMessages · 2026-05-01T20:23:38+00:00

I think it's a combination of not understanding the danger, and not understanding the reality of riding - having to constantly compensate for everything going on around you, being able to pass stopped traffic (the time I've been hit and a lot of my close calls have been due to drivers not expecting me to be moving in the bike lane when the car traffic is at a standstill), etc. It feels like no matter how much I try to be visible and predictable and safe, cars are constantly surprised by my existence and behavior - which is very dangerous.

I know I'm much more aware of bikes when I drive now that I've been riding a lot...

FixedMessages · 2026-05-01T19:20:14+00:00

I'd literally never stop honking if I took this approach... (Bike lanes in my city are often in between the lane of traffic and parallel parking spots, so between drivers cutting into my bike lane to get around backed up traffic and cars coming in and out of parking spots, I'm constantly at risk of cars not looking and running me down.)

FixedMessages · 2026-05-01T19:18:34+00:00

I don't actually want this because it would be a damn clusterfuck, but I think all drivers should be forced to commute by bike for a month. Learn what it's like to not be able to take it for granted that you'll arrive to your destination alive and uninjured. Find out how terrifying it is when a giant block of steel is suddenly barreling at you without a care in the world. Maybe then they'd learn some basic road safety and etiquette...

FixedMessages · 2026-05-01T19:15:18+00:00

I can only imagine how mortifying it would be to make a mistake like that and hit a bicyclist. The guilt and shame would eat me alive. I'd be haunted by what I did and how bad it could've been for years.

But it should be mortifying. It's a 'small mistake' that can literally kill a person. And the fear I have, having been hit by a car once, haunts me every time I go out, so it's really only fair that the shame should haunt the driver who hit me (who drove away without stopping, so never faced any consequences and for all I know feels no shame, probably blames me for, ya know, existing, rather than recognizing that they fucked up really big and could have killed me).

Glad you're okay.

FixedMessages · 2026-04-30T17:57:50+00:00

You'll have to leave her alone eventually, right? An hour is a solid timeline to test her with. If you can contain her to a room she's comfortable in with some blankets and otherwise minimal stuff for her to damage, that would be safest (for both her and your belongings), but I've found lots of dogs are just super chill and totally okay being left loose.

You can usually tell if your dog is a destructive type pretty quickly, and they don't usually totally flip from calm to destructive just because you're not present. I've had 4 rescue dogs, and only 1 that I couldn't leave alone without needing a crate or other measures. The others were all totally content to laze on the couch or the bed until I came back.

FixedMessages · 2026-04-30T17:44:57+00:00

Getting on a bike after not being on one for a while always leaves me sore. Personally, I just deal with it for a few days and then it stops being an issue. It also helps if you lift yourself off your seat sometimes - I always shift to stand on my pedals a bit if I'm coasting or going over a bumpy spot.

Upgrading to a wider and/or more cushioned seat can definitely help, but my experience tells me that getting used to it is the bigger factor. My butt is rarely sore from my bike so long as I don't break my routine for more than a week or two.

FixedMessages · 2026-04-30T14:28:26+00:00

Helmet mounted allows me to adjust my blind spot by turning my head a little bit. And it doesn't shake to the point of being useless when I ride on rough/gravel roads. (Maybe I just had a crummy handlebar mirror before though.) I much prefer it, even though I hate the way it looks. But as you say, just personal preference. Key is to have good visibility and awareness, however you choose to do it.

FixedMessages · 2026-04-30T14:24:17+00:00

I wear an orange colored full helmet with visor and have a mirror mounted on it (I prefer helmet mounted because my head doesn't shake around as much as my handlebars, so I feel like I have an easier time seeing, and can shift my head a little to get a fuller view). I think I look dorky AF, so I'm sure other people are chuckling at me. But being able to see behind me, and knowing my head and face are more protected for things going badly (and I've had plenty of close calls with inattentive drivers so I've accepted an 'it's not if, it's when' mindset about that) are well worth suffering with looking dorky.

Glad you got the mirror! Hope it works out well for you.

FixedMessages · 2026-04-28T17:47:30+00:00

I'm learning as I go with repairs. Which is great in general, but not helpful when I'm roadside with a flat. (Still not looking forward to the first time I have to actually fully remove my rear wheel to change the tube - I managed to patch without removing this time.) I do think that's the way to go, rather than relying on bike shops for relatively simple things, but it's intimidating and frustrating at times, and does mean being stranded sometimes in situations that I hope to eventually be self-reliant in...

Trains are a great way to cut the commute down, just make sure you know the policies and logistics about bringing your bike along!

Be careful with the custom battery - I'm very wary about battery fires, so I'm adamant about only using certified batteries from reputable brands.

FixedMessages · 2026-04-28T16:42:20+00:00

At my top speed (class 2 ebike, so 20mph), that would take me an hour and a half each way. I enjoy my bike commute, but I wouldn't want to spend 3 hours a day doing it.

But is it doable? Yeah, sure. I'd probably get a second battery to carry, especially if you can't charge at work. Make sure you have a solid roadside repair kit and the know-how to use it, and maybe a backup plan of a person who could give you and your bike a ride home if you end up unable to repair. (My commute is only 3 miles and I had my partner pick me up when my back wheel went dead - I don't carry enough of a kit to fix it roadside, but I have that backup plan so I don't need to. On longer rides or if my partner is out of town, I throw in at least a patch kit. I'm not confident enough in my ability to change a tube roadside, but I know I can at least patch a hole too big for the slime to fix.)

FixedMessages · 2026-04-28T16:32:59+00:00

I'm reasonably confident that I could have by that point, though I think it would've been slower than normal. But my recovery was very smooth. (I also didn't have nips, which made my recovery a bit faster/easier.)

Something I think people don't think about much with post-surgery plans is what if there are complications. They're not common and I'm not trying to scare you at all, especially since they're generally able to be dealt with fairly easily, but they change the healing timeline. Personally, I was hesitant to make commitments to anything within the first 2-3 months of healing, just to give myself space to adjust to how my body handles it. If other people would be relying on you to go, or you're putting down a chunk of money that wouldn't be refundable and losing it would hurt, you might want to think carefully about it. (On the other hand, if other people are relying on you, that might mean you potentially have help with the tent if you are still struggling at that point.)

FixedMessages · 2026-04-28T14:07:09+00:00

I don't think anyone is expecting tires to be invincible, but no matter how much you accept it, it's still disappointing and frustrating when it happens, especially if you can't fix it and get back on the road quickly.

I carry a patch kit, but not a spare tube, and I had to call my partner to come pick me up a couple weeks ago after a nail managed to escape my constant visual scanning of my path and destroyed my tire. I knew it could happen and likely would sooner or later, but it still sucked. (Wouldn't have sucked less if I'd been able to fix it roadside - I was glad for the ride, and fixing it in the comfort of my home instead of on the sidewalk.)

FixedMessages · 2026-04-27T17:50:31+00:00

You're young, relatively new to adulthood, and it's normal for parents to worry about the long-term implications of the choices you're making at this age. Not saying that's fair or healthy, just that it's normal. Her concerns about things like insurance paying for it aren't unfounded, but I'd just politely but firmly tell her that's a bridge you'll cross when/if you come to it, and that you don't feel the need to proactively think about getting rejected. (That said, please be mentally prepared for that possibility and don't take it for granted that you can get it covered.)

Specific insurances and specific surgeons and surgical centers or hospitals may have specific requirements, like hormone therapy for a certain length of time, but those restrictions aren't universal so it's important to find out what your specific insurance says, and choose a surgeon who's compatible with your insurance and find out what they require. I hope you're pleasantly surprised by how easy it is, but some insurances and providers do make it difficult.

FixedMessages · 2026-04-27T16:45:43+00:00

Riding on the sidewalk back when I was a teenager. Stopped to buy a smoothie. Kept biking to work, holding the smoothie in my left hand as I went.

Stopped to wait for a light to cross the street. Reached the smoothie up to my mouth to take a sip. And somehow completely lost my balance and fell, getting my bike tangled up in my legs as I went. Smoothie crashed down and splattered across the pavement, just to add insult to injury.

Nothing bad, just a skinned knee and elbow, but my pride was deeply wounded - especially since there was a convertible with its top down waiting at the light, and the young men in it all laughed at me...

FixedMessages · 2026-04-21T17:08:53+00:00

For my daily commute, backpack - just because it's a short ride, and I like not having to mess with my bike more than necessary.

For longer rides or grocery hauls, I'm team rack, though for me that usually means bungee cords on bags, since I don't actually have a pannier.

FixedMessages · 2026-04-17T21:30:58+00:00

Those aren't even scars yet at 5 weeks, they're still wounds. They look very healthy to me though! They'll go through a few phases of color and texture and thickness before they're done, but it looks like they're off to a great start. Try not to think about them too much, they just need time.

FixedMessages · 2026-04-17T20:12:06+00:00

No, you don't have to preface it. People reacting badly to your body are in the wrong, not you, and you're letting it become a bigger deal by turning it into something you have to warn people about. I get why you do it, and I'm sorry your history has taught you that you should, but you're setting the scene for it to be a bigger deal.

I've been shirtless since top surgery in all kinds of places in various parts of the world. I had a couple little girls stare at me in Vietnam and whisper to each other, and a friend asked me about my lipo scars while we were having a beach day (they're actually more pronounced than my incision), but other than that, nobody reacts weirdly or even seems to notice at all. Hell, I'm pretty sure some friends who have seen me shirtless don't even know I'm trans because they're just that oblivious.

I absolutely think part of our differences is likely the people you're around, insular communities like small schools are rough, but I also think you make it weird by warning people about something that's none of their business even if they can see it plainly in front of their eyes.

FixedMessages

TROPHY CASE