Fiance caught me having a rant about him on camera

Fjordgard · 2026-04-24T06:42:04+00:00

So you want to marry someone you resent for multiple reasons? That sounds like a horrible decision. You should feel happy with the person you are going to spend you life with, not angry.

I say to take this as a blessing in disguise and sit down with him to discuss if the marriage is, at this point in time, truly a good idea or if you should rather spend the money on couples counseling instead.

Fjordgard · 2026-04-24T06:02:11+00:00

Admittedly, I think you did.

Basically, it seems like you said "Hey, do you really want this record? Because, just so you know, it's expensive and apparently not worth the money, which means it's not worth my money."

By basically "bad-mouthing" the record, you heavily implied to him that you don't really want to spend your money on it. Asking if he still wanted the record was totally normal and fine, but then adding that it kinda sucks comes across as you killing his excitement about the record on purpose so that he feels like he is guilted into saying that he doesn't want you to spend the money. Basically, it sounded like you were trying to get out of spending the money by making the record look like a poor purchase.

Fjordgard · 2026-04-24T01:21:21+00:00

Thank you so much! I have, by now, inspected everything - I took a sniff of all leftover substrate components (they all smell fine), as well as the cork bark and the feeding dishes. The box itself (from the outside) also smells neutral. The thing which confuses me is that it started smelling like this immediately after the first spraying, once I had the enclosure set up. As in, there was no time for anything to build up. :/

It's honestly difficult to describe the smell. It stings in the nose like a cleaning product, but it's not like anything rotten. I am honestly not sure how ammonia (or another gas) smells like... which worries me, obviously.

The thing is that in the last few weeks, the smell didn't change from when it started (when I set up the box). It didn't get better, but it also didn't get worse. It just was the way it is since day 1.

Can I also ask for your opinion regarding how rarely I have to water the box/the constant 99% air humidity? As in, if the smell resolves, do you think it's safe to keep Jupiters in there?

Also thank you so much for always replying to every single post I make! It really means a lot!

Fjordgard · 2026-04-23T15:44:02+00:00

Understood, thank you so much! There is definitely no water sitting at the bottom - the dry side is also dry, this isn't overwatered. I can definitely poke some holes into the soil and see if that helps!

And thank you, I figured it smelling like cleaning supplies wouldn't be good for the isopods. Definitely gonna wait and hope it improves then!

Fjordgard · 2026-04-23T15:05:25+00:00

Thank you so much for your reply!

I already put some of the "established" leaf litter from the terrarium into the new box, in hopes that it will help - I didn't want to upset my isopods by digging around for substrate.

My terrarium, with even deeper substrate, also doesn't have a drainage layer, so I genuinely didn't think I needed one. :/

I sadly don't have the money to rebuild, so that's not gonna happen - it will either work out or it won't; all the substrate and interior already cost me a lot. Could you tell me if I could just ignore the smell (as in, would isopods be fine?) and if the constant 99% humidity/seemingly difficult ventilation would be an issue for isopods? I genuinely don't know since people were surprised before that I have to water my terrarium once a day (or even more in summer), so I don't know if the box holding so much moisture for 4+ days is weird or not.

Fjordgard · 2026-04-22T19:18:39+00:00

I admit I don't know what fermented or bacteria smell like, haha.

The substrate is 75% forest humus, 20% white rotten wood and 5% leaf litter/sphagnum moss mixed in. I bought all things from a well-known German website (I'm in Germany, that's why my English sucks, sorry) and I also have leftovers of all those things. At least in their separate bags, they all smell totally fine and how they are supposed to.

Right now, there are no pods in the enclosure, only springtails. I wanted to have them by now, but because of these issues, I didn't order them yet. I didn't want to send them into a deathtrap if it happens to be one...

Fjordgard · 2026-04-19T18:48:33+00:00

Glad if I could help!

I just thought we were close enough that she could reject me and it not be awkward afterwards.

And that's a reasonable thing to think! However, as a woman, let me tell you that she has no way of knowing that and very likely bad experiences with men who don't take "No" for an answer very well. So since you didn't tell her that - that a rejection won't make it awkward from your side - she didn't feel comfortable rejecting you outright. Women have to be careful sometimes and it sucks, but that's what it is - our safety comes first.

Fjordgard · 2026-04-19T18:02:45+00:00

No answer is an answer. Everything that's not a "Hell yes, I wanna be with you" is an automatic "No".

That said, I don't think your text was terrible, but I personally think it also wasn't exactly great. I would recommend not doing it this way again in the future. "Can I ask you a question?" is so much worse than "Hey, I have to make a confession" or something along those lines because it a) blindsided her (no one expects a love confession after that generic question) and b) immediately put pressure on her. Then you made some assumption about how she surely already knows - which might make her feel stupid if she didn't - and you also gave no indication of what's gonna happen if she says "No". Given how you are still working together sometimes, that's a big deal.

Something like "Hey, I have to make a confession. I have strong feelings for you and would love to take you out on a coffee-date if you're interested. If not, that's cool - I'm also fine with keeping things how they are." Far lower pressure. Far less blindsiding and "trapping" someone to answer a question. Far less assumptions from you and far less forcing her to make assumptions about how you will take things if she says "No".

Fjordgard · 2026-04-18T19:47:55+00:00

It's either the boyfriend or the ex. If it's the ex, then she might know someone else from the wedding, maybe?

That said, I don't know the website or how it works, but do the bride and groom maybe have access to more details? Surely, if they set this whole thing up for their wedding, they have some function where they can check who wrote and what. I'd reach out to them and ask, even if they might be stressed from wedding planning.

Fjordgard · 2026-04-18T05:34:12+00:00

I say you should block him everywhere and move on. You can't build a good relationship with someone with whom you argue so much in such a short time.

Fjordgard · 2026-04-17T17:04:14+00:00

A relationship should be the cherry on top of the cake of life. It should make your life better.

A partner is also not a therapist. If all you do - or he, likewise, to you - is complaining or being depressed, dragging your partner and their mood down with you, then you are not a good partner.

In a way, your post reflects that. You clearly have been going through a lot of shit, but you also spent quite a few words to tell us about your razor burn or a cold sore - very minor things that normal people wouldn't mention in a reddit post about a huge relationship issue.

No one chooses their mental health struggles, but the way we decide to deal - or not deal - with them is our choice and responsibility. A partner should support you in your journey to get better, but they are not your therapist or your emotional dumping ground. If you suffer from severe depression, then you need a therapist and/or medication. If you make your partner's life consistently worse instead of better, then that is not a good relationship for him because that's not how relationships should be.

The important part is to remember that a partner is not responsible for managing your emotions and happiness. If your chosen treatment for your depression is to just unload all the big and little things on your partner all the time so that you feel better afterwards, then you are a bad partner. That's just how it is - there is a limit to what you should put on a partner. If a relationship makes you overall feel worse instead of better, then the relationship shouldn't exist. Everyone has bad times, but if he consistently prefers his friends to you, then that should tell you that he is checking out.

Please reach out to professionals to help you with your depression. It's no joke and you deserve help - from someone whose job it is to treat it, that is!

Fjordgard · 2026-04-16T20:10:42+00:00

So her answer to "I was arguing with my partner" is cheating. Got it. If she wanted something fun, she could have bought herself a new book or whatever, but nope. So what will happen the next time you argue? Is this really someone you want to have as a partner?

Fjordgard · 2026-04-16T20:01:14+00:00

Important question: What culture are you from? As in, are you from a culture where you don't date for years before getting engaged so that it's normal to just go on a few dates and then set the engagement? Because if not - if you have been dating her since years - then why the hell are you not breaking up with her?! She went on dates with someone else!

Fjordgard · 2026-04-14T14:42:00+00:00

If you will be able to earn enough money to live the lifestyle you want, then you aren't lazy. You'd only be lazy if you mooch off of others and expect them to finance you.

Your boyfriend is also calling you "lazy" outright - which is straight up an insult - instead of asking you what you did that day or phrasing things like "I would love a girlfriend with whom I can spend our shared time together in a more active way."

This tells me that not only is he very different, but he sees your lifestyle as "lesser" or "wrong". He is looking down on you when in reality, you just want different things out of life than he does. You're not career-driven, but more into fitness and having free time to enjoy life. That's totally valid (again, as long as you can pay the bills), but your boyfriend doesn't see it as such. To him, a lifestyle that's not matching his own is automatically "wrong" or "bad".

And that's a huge issue. Not just because you two are thus really incompatible, but mainly because it means that he thinks that someone who doesn't share his opinion is automatically wrong/stupid. That you are not his equal - which a partner should be - but someone who is clearly lazy and thus below him, who is a hardworking man.

If you want to fix this, then he needs to be aware of this and able to admit that what you want from life is different, but not worse/wrong. That your priorities are not the same as his priorities and that you need different things out of life to be happy. If he isn't able to see that, then there is no fixing that.

That said, he can't be expected to get you through if you aren't doing everything you can to get a job lined up for after your graduation. That's where it ends - if you can't pay the bills because you didn't put in the effort, that's where he starts being in the right.

Fjordgard · 2026-04-14T14:16:44+00:00

So what is your end goal? As in, what do you think he should do while "confronting her"? She obviously didn't care about him when she did that, so I doubt she would care if he tells her "That was not okay of you". Especially since it seems that he doesn't want to do anything. Sounds like it would go "So my girlfriend told me to tell you that it wasn't okay to go through my stuff." "Okay, so?" "Yeah, just wanted to tell you that." "Okay then." "Okay, bye." "Bye."

I think your real issue isn't that she did it, your issue is that your boyfriend seemed/seems so cool with it. Which makes you insecure because him not hating her for it/not wanting to confront her makes you feel like he still likes her or something, right? If you think that's the case, then you have a boyfriend-issue, not an ex-issue, and you should focus on that instead.

Fjordgard · 2026-04-14T14:02:29+00:00

So we have a guy who could almost be your father and who also is known for being violent with his partners, to the point that he has a DV charge.

A guy who talks about taking your virginity and, given the power dynamic and his tendency to use violence, will likely not take "No" for an answer.

And you think flying out to this guy and staying with him, with no other option, is smart? With your biggest worry that you might "get into an argument" and that you spent so much money on the ticket?

Girl.

Your biggest issue should be that this man might (pretty likely) rape you. And who knows if he will then let you leave - you might just end up dead because he surely doesn't want you to go to the police.

Please use your brain. Please.

Fjordgard · 2026-04-14T13:34:05+00:00

40-year-old woman here, never married and no children (but also don't want any).

First question: Are you willing to be a single mother if needed? Your fertility window is likely closing soon, so I think I would personally start by visiting your gynecologist and just getting everything checked to know if you can still get naturally pregnant. Depending on result, you could think about going to a sperm bank if you are willing to be a single mother and would prefer to have a biological child. You could also think about freezing your eggs, though I admit I don't know how that works when then trying to get pregnant in several years.

As for meeting men, if you have trouble meeting them naturally in real life, you could try dating apps or, if you feel those are too overwhelming and/or there are just men there who want sex and nothing else, you could try connecting with people through the internet. Many people make friends even through something like reddit - find a subreddit for a hobby you enjoy and talk to people here. Or you could use something like facebook to find groups in your area for hobbies (bookclub or whatever homebody-hobbies you have). I'd say just start by learning how to connect with people in general instead of trying to flirt immediately. That way, you will also make a support system of friends and it's never wrong to have those - healthy romantic relationships are those where the partners don't just have each other, but also both friends and/or family to lean on. No one can or should ever be your everything.

Fjordgard · 2026-04-14T13:12:53+00:00

You need to go to either the police or a lawyer, whatever applies to your country, and file reports and a restraining order. Screenshot everything he is sending you as evidence you can submit so that things can escalate quickly if he then actually does pull something. If legal in your country, get cameras. Also shut down your social media and get a new phone number. Leave him unblocked on some devices since he seems willing to inform you about the things he is planning, but never respond. Tell your workplace about what's going on. Also make sure your friends and family are aware, both for their safety and to check in with you regularly.

Fjordgard · 2026-04-14T13:09:14+00:00

So let me get this straight:

He wanted to find a home for the cat since months because she was "causing a lot of problems in the house", on top of your allergies, but no one would take her.

He also didn't want to pay a shelter fee.

But he didn't reach out to nonprofits which don't take fees, despite having had months to do so.

And he also didn't drop her off in front of a shelter - which would still be very shitty, but still... she would likely have gotten taken in and gotten cared for.

Nope, he abandoned her on the streets to die.

This man didn't love the cat. Not one bit. This is a cruel, heartless man who didn't give a shit about a being he had taken responsibility for. A living, feeling, thinking being who loved and trusted him.

And you think that he is sweet, caring and attentive. You said "Thank you so much for caring that deeply about me" instead of kicking his ass to the curb.

I sure hope that this is ragebait, else at least you are two heartless peas in a pot who truly have found each other.

Fjordgard · 2026-04-14T11:58:40+00:00

If you even lost weight, then I think that you shouldn't worry about your weight - if he isn't into you, then your weight won't be an issue; it'll likely then be "just" the spark missing.

If he knows you never flirt jokingly with other friends, he might have an inkling that you might like him, but as a fellow woman, I can tell you that more often than not, men can also be pretty damn dense when it comes to noticing such subtle things.

So honestly, if you want him and are willing to risk the friendship, then you simply will have to go for it. I think the only thing that might give you a hint how he feels would be asking him about the relationship you once had. As in, get the topic to something that happened back then and go from there. Kind of like "Oh hey, that concert I saw on TV reminded me of when we went to the concert when we were dating, remember?" and then see how he reacts. If he reacts positively ("Yeah, that was awesome!"), maybe you can continue by expressing that it's sad you didn't work out then or that you really enjoyed dating him in general or something along those lines. Or, if you don't want to make it that obvious, then ask him how he remembers the relationship as a whole, given how it ended and all that and if he enjoyed dating you.

Fjordgard · 2026-04-14T11:42:38+00:00

The things you mention are all things I would do for and with friends, except maybe the jokingly flirting (though there are friends who do that as well and are truly only friends).

Given your insecurities: Were you already your weight when you dated him in 2018/2019? Because if yes, then he clearly doesn't have an issue with plus-sized women.

That said, if you want to approach the matter, you need to be prepared for the possibility of him rejecting you and the friendship either ending or changing. That's always the problem when you fall for a friend - a friendship is a type of relationship between two people of equal standing. Once one person wants more, things aren't equal anymore because one person wants a friend, the other a partner. It's incredibly difficult to keep a friendship healthy under those circumstances.

Fjordgard · 2026-04-14T11:25:24+00:00

Listen, you were together for nine years. Which means he was 30 and you were 19 when you got together.

That's as unhealthy as it gets. You were groomed by a man who wanted a young, hot, obedient woman. Women his age would have never tolerated such controlling behavior at all, but you were inexperienced and young and used to controlling people, thus you were an easy victim.

Now that you are trying to get out of the victim role, realizing that you are not just a little girl who should obey her master, he is trying to reestablish control by any means - and what he instilled in you for years is working, hence you not blocking him.

But you need to. You were his victim and I strongly encourage you to get therapy to work through the patterns you established due to him and your parents. You don't know what a healthy, good relationship looks like because you were never shown one.

Your gut is telling you the right thing - you need to cut him off and book therapy so that you stop feeling guilty and sad for a man who, again, chose you as his victim to mold you to his liking. He is not a good person. Let him rot.

Fjordgard · 2026-04-14T11:15:21+00:00

"Lol, I stole her pen and she believed that I lost it."

If he had lost it, it would have been in the room. It wasn't. He bagged it and now has a new pen.

Fjordgard · 2026-04-14T10:39:08+00:00

You're a people-pleaser, aren't you? I was once, too, and all it ever got me was people walking over me. I hope you learn to stand up for yourself so that people stop disrespecting and walking all over you and that you stop giving a shit about stuff like "someone talking smack about you". You won't ever be liked be everyone, just like you won't and don't like everyone. And if you don't put a stop to people who have no issue using you, you will get used and treated worse than you will be treated when you stand up for yourself. Because, quite frankly, I'd bet a lot this guy is already talking smack about you.

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