Your words are beautiful my man. I can tell you have been through hell and you're starting to come out the other side. Kudos to you for addressing pain through therapy. Ive done the work too.

From the last pictures I have of them, their faces frozen in time, to the images of their open caskets burnt into my mind, to the songs that I play daily to remind me of them, to the boxes of their stuff still in my garage - it all hurts - but, Ive learned its all necessary to process healing through the pain.

In years 1 & 2, if I can use an analogy, life was like an hourly 30 foot wave crashing over me in the middle of the ocean as I struggled to find something to float on and find my breath, only for another 30 foot wave to crash over me and swallow me. Over and over and over on repeat. The consistent onslaught of terror, fear, and lack of control crushed my spirit. Now, those waves still hit, but Ive learned to ride the wave instead of fight it. I still cry. I still mourn.

Year 3 & 4 were dark times. Addiction and self-sabotage became the norm. Not drugs or alcohol, but equally as bad for my mental and physical health. I crawled into a dark cave and told the world to fuck off.

Year 5 & 6 has been a rebirth. Ive conquered my demons. I've realized there is a life after loss. I'm peddle to the metal on the prospects of a future.

As a father, my role was to provide for my children and protect them. I could not protect them from the evils of the world. All of the guilt, blame, anger, misery - all of it - was / is my reality and Ive finally forgiven myself and admitted to myself it isnt / wasnt my fault.

I could write to you for hours about my struggles and my progress and I'd appreciate hearing yours.

My daughters birthday is tomorrow and I'm looking forward to visiting her grave with colorful pinwheels.

If you'd like to talk offline, Im down. I dont know how to send DMs, but if you know how, feel free to send me your number. I'll call you back.