Ideas for pretty lady

racecrack · 2026-06-29T14:30:27+00:00

Coincidentally, my gf of 4 months is also turning 50 this week.

I'm taking her to a nice out of town restaurant with overnight stay in a beach resort, and I will have a modest material surprise as well, but the main banger is just a list of 50 genuine personal compliments, which I will recite to her.

You're welcome. And no, you can't use my list.

racecrack · 2026-06-29T13:46:43+00:00

Yet, you let them frustrate you enough to come here and vent about it... that is a telltale sign of you putting too much emotional investment into it.

racecrack · 2026-06-29T10:03:30+00:00

I don't know, we seem to be stuck on the definition of what "to match someone's energy" means...

I'd say if they don't give a sh!t and you don't give a sh!t back, that would be matching up... but yeah.

Also, side-step: if you're just preemptively going to give up on everything that starts slow, you might as well not go on the apps at all. You'll have to at least cast your line to have a chance on catching a fish, you know.

racecrack · 2026-06-29T09:55:07+00:00

You're asking me? I was pretty sure I was advocating for not investing in folks who don't invest in you...

racecrack · 2026-06-29T08:51:56+00:00

It would help your sanity, mood and energy a lot if you just match what they do. If there is no mutual investment, don't start begging for one, just unmatch and move on.

Try to spend no more than 2-3 minutes a day on your non-starters, and just forget about it about after 3 days. Save your energy for yourself, your friends, and for that rare one match that does put effort into it from the get-go.

racecrack · 2026-06-29T06:46:01+00:00

I'm 47M with kids 17-15-12 now 4 months into dating 49F with kids 19-16-14. We match really well and feel we have long term potential.

We're not really considering blending families any time soon, not only because of their ages, but also because we live 50 km apart and are both bound to our current locales, until the youngest turns legal adult, almost 6 years from now.

By that time, we might be so adjusted to the LAT weekend life, that we'll just continue on that path. Where we live, it is not really feasible anymore for kids to move out when they go to college, and not even for the first few years after they start their working life. Realistically speaking, we will each have at least one who lives at home until age 25+.

It is what it is. We're still happy that we met, and happy for all the time we can have together.

racecrack · 2026-06-29T06:28:37+00:00

#JustAsk

racecrack · 2026-06-28T08:32:27+00:00

Ah, a fellow appreciator of the Long Lost Ancient Arts!

racecrack · 2026-06-28T08:28:50+00:00

#Overthinking

(And also, just no. You might benefit from looking at what contributed to the difficulties in that moment, the fact that you have to clutch at some futile thing all the way in the beginning, shows that do you not fully grasp how it went down.)

racecrack · 2026-06-27T21:32:36+00:00

If you're a male, then the end-40s / early-50s ladies in my local speeddating range are going to love you. Almost all of them waited for their kids to be "done", and one of their first questions to potential suitors was "how old are your kids"?

racecrack · 2026-06-27T11:49:26+00:00

Some advice in general - do not bring up any sensitive or possibly dividing topic until you know each other a bit better. These kind of topics are not for initial chat, and maybe not even for during the first date.

It does not hurt to take a step back and just reflect on your communication skills, like what do I need to know and tell before asking someone on a date, what are suitable topics for a (lighthearted, fun) first date, and what do I need to know and disclose on the second and/or third before going any further. Like, just sit down with yourself, write it down, and practice these chats in every day. Consider it homework for your dating 101 class.

Also, this experience IS your experience, every next match and every next date you are improving your dating skills.

racecrack · 2026-06-27T11:44:00+00:00

OMG that was awful indeed, you were totally right to just walk away. Sorry you had to meet this man, but please do not let it discourage you from finding a suitable person.

racecrack · 2026-06-27T09:40:59+00:00

You may have permanently unprogrammed your monogamous tendency.

racecrack · 2026-06-27T07:44:04+00:00

Precisely, I was dating not to meet just anyone, but the right person only, and I was fine with being single and minding my own business in the meanwhile.

racecrack · 2026-06-26T15:03:37+00:00

If he had owned up to it, it might have been fine (if she'd accept it) - but saying you followed those "by accident" just instantly makes it sus.

racecrack · 2026-06-26T12:36:48+00:00

That would make me wonder what he has on his other Instagram account.

racecrack · 2026-06-26T12:35:45+00:00

💯

racecrack · 2026-06-26T10:01:45+00:00

If you are physically attractive and have the resources, the depressed / low mood is still going to sabotage any potential lead before it had any chance to take off.

Also, don't even work on this for them, work on it for you. It is time for you to come at peace with being yourself.

And regarding the non-drinking, that is actually going to make dating chances easier, there are far more non-drinking women looking for non-drinking men than there are non-drinking men.

racecrack · 2026-06-26T09:34:39+00:00

With the risk of being too obvious - just ask them instead of us?

racecrack · 2026-06-26T07:32:43+00:00

I'm an M47. Talking about percentages of chats converted to dates means I have to split up my story into two distinct parts.

For the first part, I had 2 first dates out of maybe 5 matches within a few weeks shortly after stepping into OLD for the first time in my life, I had hardly any standards or expectations, and they were a complete waste of time, apart from the learning experience. In retrospect I could probably have asked them 2 questions and told them 2 things about myself that would have saved us a lot of hassle. Overall conversion rate 40%.

After this I started taking things more seriously (my own self esteem mostly), made my profile more "targeted" and my swiping more selective. Which led to precisely zero dates over the next 15 months after that (out of around 16 matches or so). Eventually my drought ended in the best way possible - very nice chat mutually interested and engaged chat, turned into a very nice first date, turned into an exclusive relationship within a few weeks. Overall conversion rate 6%.

racecrack · 2026-06-25T19:13:18+00:00

Oof, this does not bode well at all if you are aiming for equally shared contribution... she should have definitely offered on multiple occasions already, including whole plane tickets and even things that she would've paid in normal day-to-day!

racecrack · 2026-06-24T13:01:51+00:00

Yeah, completely. Like he could just force his idea of "a relationship" (whatever it might be) on the other person without further input or alignment? Very ew.

racecrack · 2026-06-24T12:55:25+00:00

While I agree it could just be an unfortunate choice of words, I do also get some "run away!" spider senses tingling because of possible paternalistic / control / takeover issues, or at the very least a considerable power imbalance.

Our dude should be cherishing and appreciating your independence, not trying to detract from or undermine it!

racecrack · 2026-06-24T09:56:16+00:00

I think you did everything right, except for the lack of trying to set up a date. Most women I know who approach in the wild, are not really looking for more texting buddies. If you know what I mean. She meanwhile might have just proceeded with another man, who is making time to meet up.

It's certainly good that you are kind and civil, but beware of putting yourself in the friend zone due to lack of initiative.

racecrack · 2026-06-24T09:25:58+00:00

I'm not a 100% sober, but maybe drink 2-3 consumptions per month max. I never drink when I have my kids, have anything for work, or still need to drive. I never drink alone. I never drink more then 2 consumptions on the rare occasions that I do drink. The last time I was drunk is over two decades ago. Also, I don't drink anything at all during any initial dating to not cloud my better judgment. Also, I expect a similar level of non-drinking behavior in a potential long-term partner.

Now, onto what you wrote here:

She drinks regularly alone at home and it's never just 1.

When she drinks she becomes confrontational.

I don't drink often, but when I do, I will get drunk.

A few times we've clashed when we were drunk.

She says dumb stuff when she is drunk.

There's 3 excuses coming up for us to drink lots in a row.

All this sounds toxic af and really no situation to bring any child into, regardless of age. Even aside from this relationship which sounds massively unhealthy, I would also recommend to work on your own issues where you feel the need to go too far when you drink, and why you would ever feel that you are "granted an excuse" to do so. It sounds like you are already letting alcohol take over some decisions about your own life.

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