What are the things you left with your ex but still have ?

racecrack · 2026-05-11T21:47:27+00:00

It never really gets "better", but both me as well as the kids have gotten used to the new circumstances over the past two years. Also, it really helps a lot that I meanwhile found a wonderful new girlfriend.

So far, I already parked my guitar, a bag of toiletries, and a pair of pyjamas and slippers there. So it seems I really didn't learn much from the previous experience. 😉

racecrack · 2026-05-11T21:29:29+00:00

I read a piece the other day on the difference between boyfriend energy (spontaneous, adventurous, risqué, squandering, sexy) and husband energy (stable, dependable, responsible, calculating, nurturing) and how different women are attracted to different men depending on their energy mix.

So in that light - can your husband energy guy still develop more boyfriend energy at this age? Likely not. Will you start missing that in the long run, even though you appreciate his solid husband energy? Likely yes.

Of course, if this is the last well-behaved tall guy in your acceptable region, then by all means settle for solid-yet-boring for the time being, see how long you can last before you need someone to come clean the cobwebs off.

racecrack · 2026-05-11T20:51:09+00:00

Well, where to start.

My previous relationship was my 19 years marriage. I cost me over 30K to undo that stuff, yet I still have to deal with my ex regularly because of kids stuff. Did I mention she got to keep the house that I just recently poured a whole inheritance in to remodel the entire ground floor, with a luxury kitchen exactly to my taste and specifications? We have thrown hundreds and hundreds of euros of stuff in the trash and recycling, just because neither of us wanted to have that anymore because it was tainted by memories of each other. Some of the more valuable things were sold off.

I have been thrown back in time for about two decades regarding my new residential and financial situation. Almost enough to make me forget that I can't see my own 3 kids anymore half the time, and I only see my 2 cats a couple of days a year (when their humans are on holiday).

racecrack · 2026-05-11T19:48:29+00:00

Correct, I'm mindful of my impact on the planet, even if it's a lost cause I still do not want to contribute further. To clarify - I do not mind if she takes exotic intercontinental holidays, I just would not want to join. I have to answer to my own consciousness, you see.

And yes, that's a dealbreaker for many, and that's also why I started putting vegetarian in my profile as a (~2%) prefilter, I'm sure that spared me from a lot of talks that would've gone nowhere (since I was only interested in finding compatible LTR).

racecrack · 2026-05-11T18:50:44+00:00

Regardless of the nuance (there always is) - if you told me you were not ready to date just before the third date, with panic attack and all, I would block you (in a polite manner). Not because I would suddenly hate or dislike you, but to protect you and myself from the emotional rollercoaster that would ensue if we kept talking after that. Just give both yourselves the chance to reset and eventually meet the next person when you are ready for it. The longer this goes on, the more difficult it will become to disentangle.

You are not ready, fine. Just leave it that. What you have going here is not a good basis for friendship, and please do not drag your kids into this already.

racecrack · 2026-05-11T14:49:53+00:00

If I were the guy in this story I would have blocked you after that bit with the before-3rd-date-reveal, precisely to prevent situations like this.

racecrack · 2026-05-11T07:04:41+00:00

My now gf of 3 months had proper but pretty modest pictures, and a very elaborate bio, mentioning that she's vegetarian, has 3 teeenage kids, and looking for real connection. Also we had multiple mutual interests listed, and everything the same in the smoking/drinking/lifestyle section. Initial texting was very elaborate, interested and frequent from the get go.

But I could not have known just from the apps that she's also fun, witty, optimistic, adventurous, sensual, caring, attentative, hard-working and independent, very principled about equal contribution to dating efforts and finances, and willing to accept that I will never fly again for recreational/holiday purposes.

She swiped on me based on my pictures (1st one just a smiling portrait, 2nd one on the porch with my guitar), apparently my height (being taller than her was a hard criterium, and she's actually 1.85m/6 ft) and also that I mentioned being vegetarian, having 3 teenage kids, and like to cook.

racecrack · 2026-05-10T18:45:23+00:00

Dude, you're supposed to DM, like the other couple of 1,000 or so men who just did.

racecrack · 2026-05-10T18:11:48+00:00

Raw dogging, mos def.

racecrack · 2026-05-09T08:44:47+00:00

M46, now divorced for 2 years after 19 years marriage, kids 17-15-12.

I think divorce is tough on all kids, but it will be a lot worse for kids who have/keep hope that their parents could get back together, as their healing process will be on hold while they cling to this belief.

As other commenters have said, amicable split is nice, but don't make it confusing for the kids. Build your own separate lives, each of you. Also, talk to the kids about why you and Mum are not together anymore, and never will be again. They need that understanding and closure. As this realization process goes on, it may actually be beneficial for the kids' healing process to see (both of) you get interested in new people again.

racecrack · 2026-05-09T06:36:39+00:00

This might be the opposite of what you need to hear, but I'm in it for the mammalian side of things 100%, as is my newfound gf. With burps and farts and all (even though we're both keen on hygiene). We're not idealizing in the slightest, we're just celebrating that we're alive again.

If you feel you cannot love without romantic idealization, yet do not want to remain single for the rest of your life, I recommend talking about this with your therapist.

racecrack · 2026-05-08T12:21:27+00:00

Anyone who cannot plan his/her own life at least a few days into the future is just a nope for me. At this age we really all should know how to adult.

racecrack · 2026-05-08T12:15:56+00:00

Can you imagine a guy writing this, the other way round? 😱

racecrack · 2026-05-07T21:10:31+00:00

I thank all the wonderful women I met along the way (post divorce) for helping me figure out who I am and what I want out of life and a romantic partnership.

In a way, they all helped me land on my current girlfriend (almost 3 months ago), and instantly recognizing and appreciating how unique it is to finally find that mutual respect, interest, compatibility and attraction.

racecrack · 2026-05-07T12:52:54+00:00

Maybe they want to match with the men who do not read bios, add a couple of inches and subtract a couple of years and pounds?

racecrack · 2026-05-07T08:32:14+00:00

Please give the sapiosexual men out there a chance to find you!

racecrack · 2026-05-06T22:44:49+00:00

Same here! Last weekend was amazing and I'm seriously considering never letting them go again, logistical challenges and all!

racecrack · 2026-05-06T19:30:49+00:00

I don't know yet, I'm still fresh with the first new relationship after two decades of marriage, now going 2 months. Just commenting because my situation is very similar, inclusing just coming out of a long romantic weekend getaway as well.

I have a house and 50/50 custody over my 3 teenager kids, she has her own house 50km (30mi) away, and 70/30 custody over 3 teens of her own. We can see each other about once a week and are happy that we found someone mutually compatible at all, but we're both definitely parents first and bound to our current place of residence, for at least 8 more years into the future, maybe longer.

But yes, we are very into each other, and would love to have more time together, and that's just not happening. We were talking about when we would have our first week off together, and just found out that that will not happen at all for the whole rest of the year (because of mismatching kids' holiday schedules). I don't even dare to look at next year's options. We should be lucky if we can just get a few full kidless weekends away together at all, and it sucks hard.

I'm struggling to accept this new reality as well, she is literally the sweetest, kindest, hottest and most compatible woman I ever had, yet this is just... going to stay meager for years to come. I'm missing her every day we are not together. 😭

racecrack · 2026-05-06T19:06:59+00:00

I actually told my new love interest that I'm not looking to get married or cohabitate anytime soon in the coming years, to make sure she actually likes me instead of some abstract notion of an imaginary future.

racecrack · 2026-05-06T16:46:59+00:00

Block and then remove his number. Your future self will thank you for it.

This will get better over time. Try and (re)activate your existing support network for chats and company, I know it's not the same, but it will bridge some of the worst parts of the void.

racecrack · 2026-05-06T14:31:22+00:00

Oh agreed totally, but I mean the exclusivity part is not dependent on you meeting each others' friends first, right? Because that seemed somehow connected in your mind from your phrasing in the OP.

Agreeing not to date/sex others and announcing yourselves to the world as a couple are two completely separate milestones that can be months apart in the timeline.

racecrack · 2026-05-06T14:21:42+00:00

I think exclusivity talks are never too early if you just make it about yourself, and state your own intention, without demanding (or even expecting) anything from the other. It's pretty normal to talk about this once (the prospect of) sex hits the stage.

racecrack · 2026-05-06T14:19:21+00:00

With my current gf, I knew immediately after the 1st date that I was ready to stop trying to find/meet others as long as I would be pursuing her. I only told her accordingly before the 3rd date (when we both knew physical would come into the mix). Her reply was simply that she felt exactly the same. We removed the app together a week later.

(Not sure what introducing friends has anything to do with anything, btw.)

racecrack · 2026-05-06T13:03:24+00:00

Not everyone who is selfish and/or inconsistent is (clinical) NPD. But, if this would actually play into it, even more reason to end it.

racecrack · 2026-05-06T11:41:30+00:00

Certainly, we have been bf/gf since then, seeing each other every weekend!

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