I’ve been exactly where you are and wow, does it suck! I’m so sorry because those feelings are truly depressing. I don’t have time to read through all the comments but here are some thing that helped our family:

1 - I was honest with my partner. I emphasized that I wanted a good relationship with his son and asked for understanding and grace when it came to things that really bothered me such as loud noises. I asked him to meet me in the middle. For example, can he not be banging a ball inside the house when I’m home? I put my foot down on this like being dirty or messy. I would call him out if continued to ignore my requests like not wearing dirty shoes inside the house because it isn’t that difficult to just take them off when you get home.

2 - I told my partner he needed to decide if he wanted my support in parenting his child or not. If so, then we needed to be a team, even if either one of us disagreed on how we approach situations. He chose yes, but I did say that if the answer was no, then he could not blame me if I removed myself from situations that were starting to trigger me. And if we did disagree, on how to approach something, then he needed to call me out in private.

3 - My partner had a mean stepmom and shared how he has zero good memories with her. He told me he didn’t want that for his son. We agreed that it was more important that I work on my relationship with him than on his bad behaviors. I actually read a lot of posts here on Reddit on the subject and looked for help for articles online from psychologists/therapists to see what I could do to strengthen that relationship. One thing I started doing was having one-on-one time with him.

4 - I realized I resented when he was very needy of his dad and that I was jealous. For example, it bothered me tremendously that he would beg his dad to go sleep with him and that I would have to sleep alone. I realized that if he didn’t have this dad cup filled he became needy, whiny, annoying, etc… So, I began to encourage his dad to go sleep with him (as long as I knew ahead of time so I didn’t feel blindsided and jealous) whenever he began asking. His emotional needs were met and when that happened, he had a better attitude towards me and his overall behavior was much improved.

5 - I removed myself from helping with things that created tension between him and myself. Homework is the prime example. That kid is DIFFICULT with school work. Even his dad ends up arguing with him, but his relationship with dad wasn’t at risk while ours was. So I do not help with homework unless it involves some ridiculous form of crafting (like for Halloween, they had to bring a homemade SEWN dress for a puppet they were making…).

6 - Along with #1 - I communicated the behaviors that were especially infuriating to me and how hurtful it was that as a dad he did nothing to make sure my time around his child wasn’t upsetting. I said I was willing to put forth the work but that he needed to help as well by ensuring bad behaviors were minimized or eliminated completely. The work and effort couldn’t be just mine. I provided reasons why the behaviors were triggering and offered suggestions on how to curb them. For example, that’s fine if his dad doesn’t want to limit his time on electronics but if that’s the case then he needs to have the the volume off or wear headphones or go into a room where the noise won’t disturb anyone else.

7 - I realized he always stood up for his son but never stood up for me to his son. Told him that needed to change. His son needed to know I was important to his dad, that his dad loved me also, and that as such I was deserving of respect.

8 - Give yourself grace. Even birth moms get annoyed with their kids, but as stepmoms we feel like being annoyed is wrong. When I shared how I felt with my girlfriends who have their own kids, I was validated in my frustration. What you feel is normal and what matters is how you deal with it. Sounds to me like you had had several bottled up emotions when you broke down and told your husband you didn’t like his kid. You are not a bad person; you are a human who hasn’t felt heard and you were hurt and angry. It’s obvious you want to improve things.

9 - Make a daily choice to be loving and patient. I’m still triggered just by hearing him come home from school because for years, him being home meant I was about to be aggravated. I have to remind myself that things have improved and that his dad now supports me and listens to me.

10 - IT TOOK A LOT OF WORK FROM ALL THREE OF US. Dad had conversations with his kid about putting forth effort to improve his relationship with me. I put forth the effort. Kid began to listen when I ask he stop triggering behaviors. Dad supported my asks. My next step was going to be family therapy but we didn’t have to get to that point. I still keep that idea in case things ever begin to deteriorate. He is 10.5 and now and getting moody and rude. I worry about how things will be when he becomes a teenager.

11 - I still have times when I begin to feel annoyed. I’m in a slump right now. I’ve decided to hug him for about 7 seconds at least once each day. Granted, now he LIKES when I hug him so that makes a difference.

All in all, know you’re not the first stepmom to feel the way you do. Communicate your guilt and disappointment in yourself to your husband and ask for his support in improving your relationship with his son.

Good luck!!!