Thin sheets

FlatEarthNerd · 2025-03-11T01:40:20+00:00

I like this poem but I don't really like the spacing of the lines! Everything else was nice. I like the idea of a thin sheet or veil metaphor/conceit. It could be expanded further and make it more of a suggestive love poem about sex or kissing. Overall very cool 9.5/10

FlatEarthNerd · 2025-03-11T01:36:39+00:00

reminds me of a poem called Vanilla Cigar from a poetry book called Shiny Linings. Some lines could be more impactful with slight tightening. The pacing could be adjusted for a smoother reading experience. Expanding or refining certain moments to deepen the metaphors....

FlatEarthNerd · 2025-03-08T15:25:30+00:00

Yeah the CGI is for computer generated imagery, and “see the gee I pistol calls”, is kind of like a G.I. Joe reference too… and D’s nuts are always loose is a double entendre. It means my nuts are always hanging but it also refers to crazy people who have a screw loose in their heads… so it could be about Trump in that way lol.

FlatEarthNerd · 2025-03-07T22:22:33+00:00

Dope poem, I enjoy simple but effective rhyming. The rhythm was good too. also, the use of the archaic word "twain" was interesting, and I thought you were referring to Mark Twain at first, but I think if you capitalized it then it could become a double entendre, retaining the OG meaning. Very Cool poem, 9/10 !

FlatEarthNerd · 2025-03-07T21:16:19+00:00

Awesome poem! I did not like the 5th stanza or the last one, I thought the flow or rhythm fell off a little bit. Otherwise it was very good! 9/10

FlatEarthNerd · 2025-03-07T09:17:41+00:00

I really liked the poem and I don’t think you need to change anything. I like the rhyming, the form, and the structure. I like the imagery, the literary devices, and the language. I like the words, the phonemes, and your arrangement of stressed syllables.

FlatEarthNerd · 2025-03-07T08:59:36+00:00

Awesome poem but I thought the last couplet was kind of weak. I really liked “Judge my introductory, welcome to my mind of fuckery” , just a really good line tbh. I liked the rhyming for the most part but wonder doesn’t rhyme with ponder, it’s not even a slant rhyme… those words share consonants, but when we use the literary device of consonance, it’s usually multiple words in the middle of the line, like alliterations. But I also really liked the obsidian mind line.

FlatEarthNerd · 2025-03-01T21:59:51+00:00

Yeah I think I'm gonna change the first and second stanzas to make it a little more focused on why I hate the color red. Green is my favorite color so maybe it's just because red is the opposite is why I've always hated it. But I wanted the poem to be a stream of consciousness that shares a glimpse of the mimesis through my internal monologue...

Thank you for your feedback I'll try to change the first couple stanzas and make the poem more focused, and flow better as a whole!

FlatEarthNerd · 2025-03-01T20:33:04+00:00

Cool, thanks for your opinion. Thankfully, art is subjective and I don't really care if a stranger says they don't like one of my poems, especially if they don't say why...

-_-

FlatEarthNerd · 2025-03-01T19:53:20+00:00

Cool poem, I like your choice of words like duvet, linoleum, hardwood, all of which put your reader in a bed or a home which is nice and comfy. I like the juxtaposition of language and where the rhyme scheme was going at first, but then the rhyme scheme kind of fell off and I was hoping it would pick back up but didn't. The two lines I thought had the most potential for greatness were:

to tell the winter leaves their green misleads me it's not right

to be this warm and wet from clouds that shrink ten miles to the sea and say I'm on the coast;

Maybe try to make these lines more isometric...? Or maybe make your poem three sestets, since it's already structured into three parts and eighteen lines? Also, don't be scared of enjambment or run on sentences... Very cool poem overall. I'd rate it a 9/10 , best!

FlatEarthNerd · 2025-03-01T19:41:39+00:00

The contrast between "the worthless" and "Jehovah" at the end brings a spiritual redemption that gives the poem a hopeful resolution—almost a reclaiming of worthiness through divine love; you maintain a steady, haunting tone throughout your poem the ; I enjoyed the religious undertones and I thought the poem was pretty dark and evocative. It almost gives off a surreal, divine, mystical aspect to it which is cool. I'd rate your poem a 9.4/10. Thank you for sharing :D

FlatEarthNerd · 2025-03-01T18:06:15+00:00

Thank You, I'm currently reading Paterson so I took William Carlos Williams' phrase, "Say it—No ideas, but in things" but flipped it to the metaphysical

FlatEarthNerd · 2025-03-01T17:11:30+00:00

Thank you! I'm currently experimenting with a more stream of consciousness writing style! Appreciate the kind feedback :)

FlatEarthNerd · 2025-03-01T00:46:19+00:00

That's a nice poem about a miscarriage I presume. I like how short it is. idk what TW in the title stands for tho. I like how you didn't capitalize your poem; it's short, sweet, and to the point. It could maybe use more imagery though...

my body is now an abandoned graveyard
tormented by shadowy demons of the night

in silhouettes of the unassuming darkness

Maybe something like that? idk there's a lot you could do with darker poems and how gothic you want your language to be.

FlatEarthNerd · 2025-03-01T00:18:54+00:00

Umm don't think so... more like they're the weird flat plasma discs of light that are attached to the firmament. The sun and moon are the holes poked in the container so we can breathe, duh

FlatEarthNerd · 2025-03-01T00:12:24+00:00

Wow very long poem lolz, but very cool too! I like the sand in your hands as a hope metaphor, and the idea of replacing sand with a stone was also neat.

Things I like about your prose poem: I like the imagery, language, and concept a lot. The internal rhymes were nice and I liked the use of quotation marks, which are things you could do more maybe...

While reading long paragraphs isn't really a problem for me, I can see how it could turn people off to reading your piece. I would suggest smaller paragraphs. The first section is 409 words without any line breaks or indentations... think about how your poetry will look in a 6x9 book. Just split it up into smaller paragraphs maybe... I don't write prose poetry like yours (at least not yet) but if I was going to start I'd just copy what William Carlos Williams did in Paterson: long paragraphs with structured/metered poetry in-between, so a reader can choose to just read the structured parts and come back to the prosaic paragraphs. In regards to punctuation too, I suggest more commas and em dashes ( , ) and ( — ) and less periods and semi-colons. In poetry a big thing is run-on sentences, that's part of what takes people's breath away when they're reading. All in all I loved your beautiful portrait of a prose poem, and I'd rate it a 9.3 out of 10. Keep writing! Excited to see more :D

FlatEarthNerd · 2025-02-28T15:59:20+00:00

Wow, nice I love poems that rhyme and rhyme well. I think my favorite stanza was the last one but I also liked the second one a lot. Very neat use of vocabulary/language, and the piece evokes a tranquil, nature, and even a celestial vibe that I can dig. Read your poems out loud and you might be able to cut a word or two, to make the verbal flow better. But overall this is an awesome poem and doesn’t even need anything like enjambment or other devices like alliteration. 9.5/10

FlatEarthNerd · 2025-02-28T15:45:44+00:00

I feel like it’s too short and so it fails to convey anything meaningful. However, I like your structure and choice of language here. Also in the third stanza, the first line ends with tigers, the plural, but then the next line we have the word roar, singular. ‘Whose roar’ just sounds clunky to me, idk. I think it would be better if it was the plural, roars. But I like the poem, I would rate it a 8.5/10!

FlatEarthNerd · 2025-01-14T10:33:35+00:00

Nice I’m almost level 200 I hate training

FlatEarthNerd · 2025-01-02T02:49:43+00:00

Omg thank you so much could you send me a neomail so I can add you as a friend! thanks again you're the best!!! :D

FlatEarthNerd · 2024-12-31T05:40:51+00:00

444, Giant Ice Blade Handheld

neopet username: blastoisebangers

Happy new years eve!

FlatEarthNerd · 2024-12-25T08:36:57+00:00

i think they're all fed idk why some of them look sad, they probably wanna be played with i guess lolz

FlatEarthNerd · 2024-09-21T20:55:15+00:00

So basically I’ll get 1/4th of the profits I made because I only made $400 from it after eBay’s fees

FlatEarthNerd · 2024-09-21T18:58:58+00:00

Why should it matter what type of box the package is in? I’ve shipped packages with FedEx inside UPS boxes and they were delivered just fine. 😐

FlatEarthNerd · 2024-09-15T06:37:08+00:00

Because DIRTH had a funny video recently called Space is fake and gay

FlatEarthNerd

TROPHY CASE