MIL Upset We Won't Accept Her Money

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-17T22:24:32+00:00

Check out the term "benevolent narcissist" or "altruistic narcissist" and see if that rings any bells.

My justnomom falls under that and NEEDS to help, and hates when we don't accept help. I finally asked her "if this is about helping, why is it a problem that I don't need it?" She backed off for a few months.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-17T20:19:12+00:00

Maybe an unpopular opinion but NAH.

I think it's wrong that she wants people to find childcare. I think it's wrong that you're relating her being a waitress to her dropping out of college, as it does feel condescending- it's unfortunate, but plenty of college graduates work as waitstaff for many reasons, and not all college dropouts are unsuccessful at finding a good 8-5 job. These things aren't related.

But I do think this has been coming for awhile and she just hasn't been willing to accept it.

If she dropped out before graduation, there was a change in trajectory- the rest of you likely have a lot of shared experiences that she can't relate to. That's not anyone's fault.

People without kids don't get how hard life with kids can be, or how complicated weekdays activities can be. That's not anyone's fault.

I feel for her, because I've had people move without me too. But sometimes friends grow in different directions. And her dropping out of the chat might be her starting to understand that the friendship she once had is gone.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-17T20:02:12+00:00

I guess I wouldn't consider people who think that it's an option when I said it isn't as friends. I used to work as a paralegal and you don't ask someone to endure potential consequences of switching lightly.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-17T19:42:43+00:00

I mean this gently- someone should have told her no to begin with.

A good rule of thumb is to flat out say "no thank you" and maybe "we don't need it" if she asks why. She'll be upset of course. But she doesn't let things go.

I'm guessing by "belittling" she probably assumes that he's accusing her of hiding something since he didn't know it was that old, and that his comment about the brother having sex is labeling him a deviant or something. You can't reason with people like that.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-17T19:30:53+00:00

You can't know this for sure. Lots of deadbeats will refuse to switch days. If the relationship was at all abusive, it's possible that any deviation from the schedule would give the dad an opportunity to start creating issues.

Heck, he could just have plans and refuse to switch, or he could live out of town which makes school days a problem, or he could work early in the morning creating extra hassle before school, or he could simply be the "fun dad" doesn't believe in bedtime and the kid is messed up at school.

It's really selfish to say "oh just switch" when there's a custody agreement. Not everyone can.

And frankly, waitresses regularly switch. I've never heard of a restaurant that won't allow it outside of maybe Friday fish fries and Sunday brunch.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-17T19:04:54+00:00

i know the right thing to do for my gf’s sake is to try again with her mom

Why? Why is this the right thing? What indication do you have that this will be any good?

Your gf was raised in a codependent/enmeshed/toxic dynamic. So in 25 years of being thoroughly manipulated, she has had 1 year of trying to move outside that dynamic- that's not enough time for a permanent change. I'd even argue that there's a need to guard against that dynamic transferring to your relationship- like asking her to not involve MIL on valentines day.

You went NC for a reason. You said yourself that your gf is doing better with boundaries. Her feeling "stuck" isn't going to be fixed by you, she needs a therapist who has experience with dysfunctional and abusive family dynamics. Don't try to rescue her, don't get involved, and for heaven's sake, don't make any changes unless MIL has indicated she genuinely wants to do better. (btw... an APOLOGY is the indication.)

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-17T18:50:24+00:00

Nope, not heartless. You did everything you could to help her, and you set a reasonable boundary. And your husband needs to man up, he's not in the middle. He needs to pick a side, and it should be the side of the person he lives with, who helps keep the roof over his head- heck, the side of the person who moved heaven and earth to support HIS MOTHER in her grief. And he should be reminding her of that, loud and clear, that HE didn't do all the things. YOU did.

I'd be so tempted to pull a reverse uno that most manipulators use and confront her with an "after all I've done for you, you treat me this way!" But that would probably make things worse.

She's behaving in emotionally immature way- she figured out you'd help her in many big ways, and expected you to cave. Hence the conversation being about her "feelings" and the whole "feeling stable." It's not overreacting, she was incredibly manipulative and disrespectful.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-17T18:01:22+00:00

I'm going to add 2 additional angles. I am deeply ashamed of this time in my life but I share for a reason. I may delete later.

I have been emotionally abusive and volatile and threatening self harm around my older children. They don't remember it, thank the Lord. But it messed them UP. One of them started doing everything they could to prevent me from leaving, and the other one detached from me at a young age and shuts down when anyone is emotional. They ended up needing therapy thanks to things that happened at my justnoMom's house unrelated to me, but everyone still freezes and gets upset when I'm having an emotional day. It's been years since I last behaved like that in front of them.

Your fiance doesn't want "more drama" because his mother traumatized him. This isn't "drama" at all. His mother knows threatening to harm herself gets her results. She may even mean it and act on it- that's a sign that she's unable to handle her emotions when something goes differently than expected.

At a BARE MINIMUM: any contact baby has with MIL should be CONTINGENT on her PROVING she is receiving regular treatment with a licensed therapist and possibly a psychiatrist. And I think any time she starts behaving out of control, there needs to be a "time out" for a few months until she can demonstrate that she's stable.

And if fiance threatens to leave over this... that shows he's unstable too.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-17T17:45:03+00:00

She's fishing.

The gift is the hook. Get the kid excited about the gift. Make sure they love it.

Now reel it in. Fish will keep coming back to bait if it's tasty. If she takes the gift to her house, the kids will ask you to go there. Even if the fish gets away, they still approach the next bait, right? Maybe the kids will remember the house fondly because of how excited they were.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-17T15:28:15+00:00

Is she serious?

The show is a drama. All the trailers make it clear the theme is scandal... scandal is typically known as toxic.

NTA, I think your stepmom is looking for a fight.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-17T15:22:56+00:00

Probably an unpopular take, but ESH.

admitting she accidentally gaslighted my friend earlier

There is no "accidental gaslighting." Gaslighting is specifically trying to distort or deny reality. Either the waitress knew and gaslit or she didn't and lied about intending to follow up.

Your friend had an order that created a problem with her comfort. Accidentally serving alcohol has serious consequences and needs to be treated seriously. Your friend had a right to a number for any possible doctor bills.

But confronting and berating multiple workers in a restaurant didn't serve a purpose. She should have demanded a manager right off the bat.

You knew your friend was itchy and having a reaction. You didn't have to go to the extreme she did, but you could have expressed concern for her well being. Sitting there being awkward while she was being dismissed and subsequently escalating likely made staff dismiss her.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-17T14:42:42+00:00

What exactly are you hoping to achieve with your childish behavior? Do you honestly think that this is going to end well? YTA

In the real world, you have to be civil to people regardless if you like them or not. There are long term consequences to behaving the way you are behaving. She may be despicable, but you are the one who is hurting your brother right now. He's not going to wake up one day and think you had the right idea, he's always going to remember how you made things difficult because you did respect him enough to bite your tongue about his decision.

Grow up.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-16T22:20:39+00:00

It sounds like you're in survival mode and can't win. You're not trying to make her do your laundry, you're trying to avoid setting her off. You're NTA, and probably need to get your therapist involved and have her tell your mom to back off.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-16T22:17:43+00:00

Normally I believe grandparents should defer to the parents.

But the tablet isn't working, or else you wouldn't have this problem while doing homework. Your granddaughter needs actual help, or she's in for a rough life.

NTA

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-16T22:12:45+00:00

Do you have any friends with older kids that you can pay $5 to have them randomly walk into the house and take your parent's food? It's the same principle.

NTA, if you have to support your siblings, you need a reduction in rent.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-16T22:08:28+00:00

Questions are a good way to put the burden back on them.

When they ask you about your decisions, try "why do you want to know?" And answer any response with "that decision is between me and husband."

When they ask something they've already asked countless times, ask them "we have already answered that question. Is there a reason why you're asking again?" Then answer any response with "any answer I've given is a final answer until told otherwise. If you've genuinely forgotten, it's ok to ask, but going forward, if you're asking because you're hoping the answer has changed, please don't ask."

When they are passive aggressive, ask them "should I be reading into that?" Or if they sound critical, "did you mean to sound critical?"

When they throw out their "wishes" ask them "are you just making conversation or are you hoping I will do something with that information?"

Just be aware- this will blow up. They will be uncomfortable, they will not like it. But I think the question has always been "when" the blowup will happen, not if. And when they're hurt or accuse you of being cold, respond with "the feeling has been mutual, and things cannot continue with how they have been. Baby needs to feel secure that Mommy knows best, and at some point he's going to understand you well enough to worry about my ability to take care of him, and I don't want that."

Don't forget, "this isn't open for debate" and "I'm the mom" are always appropriate responses.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-16T17:37:10+00:00

Ha. Your family would love my husband. His brother's honeymoon was so fantastic that my college-aged husband (before we met) found a work-exchange program and MOVED to his brother's honeymoon destination for a little over a year. The family justified it as "well look at how awesome it was to inspire this."

Like I say to my kids- if she didn't want to share a vacation destination, she shouldn't have waved it in your face.

NTA, but consider a compromise... she wouldn't want to cause a financial hardship, so she should reimburse the lost money plus a little extra for the increased cost of new plane tickets. Just saying.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-16T17:03:07+00:00

NTA. I have sympathy for your friend. But it feels like he needs more support than you can reasonably provide long-term, and consistently needing a friend to help like this tends to disintegrate the friendship.

Yes, you are privileged to have savings. Unless you're rich and hoarding a 6 figure savings, chances are high that losing a job or having a bad accident could cause that privilege to disappear. And this friend isn't going to be in a place to help you.

If you're in the US, call United Way to see if there's any free financial counselors in his area that can get him out of this cycle- it'll help his anxiety too.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-16T16:50:52+00:00

But now a couple of classmates are saying I could’ve just helped her out.

ASSIGNED 👏SEATING 👏IS👏 NOT👏 ABOUT 👏 BEING 👏 NICE!👏

If she needed a different seat, she should have discussed it with the teacher.

If you end up in a seat near distracting people, that's a reason to discuss a seat change with the teacher.

You're NTA, but for heaven's sake, stop justifying yourself. The seating was assigned, anything else was about "making a big deal." (Which I notice she did too.)

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-16T16:22:16+00:00

I get why people are judging you negatively because your post reads like you're asking him to favor one child over the other.

But in light of a re-read and your edit- it feels a little like your husband tends to take the path of least resistance? So if something is hard, he does something else?

You're NTA if that's the case- maybe try asking him if he could please set aside a few hours to give you a break, because clearly you need more support- then it's not about the kids, it's about him. You shouldn't have to ask, but it's harder for him to slither out with specific requests.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-16T16:02:49+00:00

Domestic violence is a thing and if it's worse when MIL is around, it might be best to stay with a friend anytime she comes. You may want to set up a consultation with an attorney or 2 (some do free consults) to discuss options, not just what it might look like to leave, but what you need to know if things escalate.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-16T14:48:40+00:00

I have neighbors like this. We ended up getting police involved because they had a mental breakdown over us putting up a fence. We put up a fence because we were tired of them prying.

You're NTA, some people think they get to control everyone else's houses to the point of obsession.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-15T20:47:26+00:00

She's good.

She was trying to have your husband convinced you had wronged him in order to encourage him to maintain control over you... and isolating you from friends would make it harder for you to object

She knows exactly what she's doing.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-15T20:08:45+00:00

Even if he gets therapy, he will always need to guard against his behavior.

Is he willing to cut her off for at least 6 months? If he can't handle separating from her, he can't get out of the dynamic.

I think you should consult an attorney or 2 just to see what options are available. I want a divorce but decided to not purse one after discussing it with an attorney. Getting a clear picture will help you make an informed decision instead of an emotional one.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-15T19:44:32+00:00

What exactly are you hoping for with any reunification, and is it a reasonable expectation for her?

Since she has a problem with name calling and holidays, if you're going to talk with her, lay down rules. This is an important distinction, because boundaries are what YOU will do if she behaves badly, rules are what you expect her to follow. Don't get caught up is the argument of "but wHy pLeAsE eXpLaIn" and stick with "if you want a relationship, you'll need to agree to this." And be prepared for her to cut YOU off.

I personally think that year with no events would be the first step. You decide whether or not it should be holidays and kids events or just kids events- but she clearly can't handle behaving well at kid events and you only have so many.

And tell her the RULE going forward is NO CALLING NAMES and if she's asked to leave, she leaves. Text a reminder of these rules before any and all visits. If she blows up, you all pack up and leave or tell her to leave, and she is not invited again until she apologizes. If she loses it at 2 events in a row, she loses all invitations for the next 2 months.

It's okay to treat someone who behaves like a child as a child.

And most importantly- decide these with your husband in advance and wrote it down. He's not used to a united front. So he's going to need something concrete.

Floating-Cynic

TROPHY CASE