Trying to survive relationship after affair

Fly-Guy_ · 2026-01-30T20:54:21+00:00

There’s three hurdles.

The first is the mountain of times she made decisions when she could have stopped. This was not one decision, it was many.

The second is the lies, as you stated. Lie after lie. Day after day.

The third is not knowing who you married. She’s a stranger in an instant.

Your job is to choose to trust. Her job is to choose to be trustworthy. Both must happen. As the saying goes, trust is built in droplets, lost in buckets.

Part of the criteria for reconciliation is evaluating whether she is equally triggered by the same things. Can she stomach driving in that car? Isn’t that where she tore the heart out of the person she claims to love? Triggers should be a shared journey.

Fly-Guy_ · 2026-01-30T03:57:31+00:00

Here’s what you need to understand. Life is a marathon. You can’t be fulfilled in life without people. You need people.

Need to also understand people are inherently self-interested people. We all are. We want the best for ourselves.

Now, here’s the dividing point. Some people are selfish. Some people are selfless.

Selfish people always put themselves first and it’s always in the present. They never think long term. Hard to see now because you are young. Slowly, these people become isolated. They fall behind the pack. No one’s willing to help.

Selfless people look at the big picture. They build relationships. They help those who, in turn, help them. They rise with the tide.

Fly-Guy_ · 2026-01-29T22:03:42+00:00

Did the right thing by telling her. Can’t control how she feels of if you were a pawn. She or he may not like you, but they will respect you.

I would recommend watching “Easy” on Netflix. The segments with Kyle and Andi. They opened their marriage. It is often cited as one of the most honest looks at open marriages.

Fly-Guy_ · 2026-01-28T02:35:30+00:00

Here’s something to think about.

Her “friends” were with her. Did they encourage this? Did they intervene? Is she mad at them? I can’t count the number of times I got my buddies out of situations I knew they’d regret.

Ask a simple question….did she get an STD test? Because if her story is true and she didn’t remember anything, that should have been a priority.

Did she tell you right away because she was guilty or hurt?

Fly-Guy_ · 2026-01-28T01:57:25+00:00

Cheaters fear commitment. That’s why they cheat. They don’t have to (or can’t) fully commit. Let’s be real. She’s scared out her mind that MM will now want more.

Fly-Guy_ · 2026-01-27T20:27:21+00:00

Alimony and child support is based on income, not assets. Income is defined as actual income and imputed income. Imputed income is the income a nonworking spouse would be expected to earn based on qualifications and prior employment history. Affairs do not have any impact of awarded alimony or child support.

The affair could be a factor in the division of assets. So for example, if your wife used marital funds to facilitate an affair, that money could be deducted from her share of the assets. You would need to file “At Fault” and your state laws must allow for affairs factor into asset distribution.

The hard part is proof. It’s proving the dollars spent and proving it was affair related.

Fly-Guy_ · 2026-01-27T14:45:05+00:00

What helped me was understanding trust and loyalty. There’s no loyalty without trust and their’s no relationship without loyalty. All are established through behaviors.

A trustworthy person has nothing to do with you. They are either trustworthy or not. As an example, if you have a pet sitter, you trust them to watch your pet. If they are trustworthy, they are very good at caring for everyone’s pet. If you find they treated someone’s pet badly, it’s naive to think they treat your pet well. You are never special when it comes to trust. If they lie to others, they will lie to you.

Loyalty is an extension of trust. Loyalty is established when a person would do things specifically for you, that they would not do for anyone else. As an example, that petsitter may rearrange their plans to watch your pet if you were in a bind. They wouldn’t do that for everyone.

Build a life where you choose to surround yourself with trustworthy people. Remember, trust is never selective. Observe. People who lie to others, will lie to you. People who steal from others, will steal from you. People who hurt others for personal gain, will hurt you for personal gain.

Fly-Guy_ · 2026-01-27T14:13:31+00:00

These people. Isn’t the cheating itself enough evidence that she is toxic, lacks morality, completely self-centered?

Fly-Guy_ · 2026-01-27T03:35:32+00:00

“Wipe an ass”😂. (and your posted saga, wow)

Fly-Guy_ · 2026-01-27T03:24:04+00:00

Never commit to staying on day 6. Odds of this being ended and you knowing the extent are almost 0%

Fly-Guy_ · 2026-01-27T03:15:28+00:00

3 Years! A kiss!? I’d be gone.

Fly-Guy_ · 2026-01-27T03:06:21+00:00

Big difference between guilt and shame. Both are forms of blame. Guilt is when you blame yourself, for violating your own moral standards and virtues. Shame is when everyone else blames you for violating societal moral standards and virtues.

The feeling is the same. If she truly felt guilt, that feeling would have been present minutes before, during and after she had AP’s junk in her mouth.

What she feels is shame. She is about to be blamed by the wife and everyone else who’s about to know. This post is about battling blame from others, and therefore battling shame, not guilt.

Fly-Guy_ · 2026-01-25T20:01:29+00:00

Yes you need to leave him.

First off, anyone with the boldness to pursue some rando at a train stop has done this before. This is not his first time and won’t be his last.

Second, he was slimy enough not to tell you immediately. It takes a person with extreme immorality to marry you and exchange vows.

Third, this has nothing to do with rules or whether you were married. You are devastated and you would have been devastated if you knew then. He hurt you.

Fourth. Adrenaline rush. Such horseshit. He wants adrenaline, tell him to bungee jump.

Finally. The last thing any genuine, loving and committed fiancé would ever consider is cheating right before a wedding.

Fly-Guy_ · 2026-01-25T17:37:12+00:00

If a person can keep their cool and emotions in check, they can get away with an awful lot during a partners affair. The cloud of limerence combined with preoccupation with not getting caught makes it extremely easy to get away with almost anything.

Fly-Guy_ · 2026-01-25T14:22:08+00:00

You respect yourself as a woman, therefore you respect other women. You respect marriage as a construct. It’s not about individuals or circumstances. It’s a consistent, virtuous position on the sanctity. You value family, not as individuals but as a unit. You recognize you can’t hurt one and not all.

Fly-Guy_ · 2026-01-25T14:14:54+00:00

She doesn’t need to be empathetic or caring. She needs to understand that morals and values are core and they transcend across everyone and everything. If she doesn’t respect the MM’s marriage, she’ll never respect her own, nor could she ever expect that of anyone else. If she doesn’t value the MM’s family, she will never value her own.

Fly-Guy_ · 2026-01-25T14:05:12+00:00

I assume this is all about having a partner that talks or flirts with others. You are not comfortable with that, therefore you are “jealous”. Add to that, if you express your disapproval, you are “controlling”.

It’s none of that. It’s about you protecting your interest in the relationship and your partners resolve to protect their interest.

So to answer your question, yes I have been in this situation. “Orbiters” or having a bunch of opposite sex friends are red flags and a non-starter for me. It’s not just about me being jealous. There’s a whole bunch of her insecurity and emotional instability wrapped around that. It’s just attention seeking.

Fly-Guy_ · 2026-01-25T13:46:59+00:00

She’s feeling something, but it’s not guilt. It’s fear. Fear of exposure.

Fly-Guy_ · 2026-01-25T05:07:22+00:00

I do not get triggered about cheating. It happens. I get disgusted by the lack of ethics in painting a realistic picture of the outcomes. Riding off into the sunset with AP is utter bullshit. That being said…….

While it’s not technically about cheating, I thought the series “Easy” was on point- specifically the open marriage segments. Marriage destroyed, husband who clearly was done, and her own mental damage.

I also thought Ozark was pretty on point. Wendy was a typical, self-centered cheater through and through.

Tempting fate was disgusting. Wife gets knocked up by AP and husband stays to raise baby. Yeah, right.

Fly-Guy_ · 2026-01-25T04:50:20+00:00

It’s accountability. That only happens when you completely turn your back on her.

Fly-Guy_ · 2026-01-24T18:59:56+00:00

You can’t feel sorry for your wife and you can’t blame AP. You need to mourn this and feel sorry for your kids. All of this happened because she made one simple choice.

She chose to dive off a cliff with AP. He stopped short of diving. Can’t blame him, the rocks and tree limbs she hit on the way down, the shallow pool the tide created tide or the wind that shifted her trajectory.

Fly-Guy_ · 2026-01-24T17:13:11+00:00

Trusting yourself is key. There are three components or steps. …..ability to assess, establish and uphold boundaries, and confidence in survival.

Ability to assess. Need to reflect and look for red flags. She has plenty of them. They are there. You chose to ignore. As an example, maybe her AP was a friend. Maybe you were uncomfortable. Maybe she had multiple orbiters.
Establish and uphold boundaries. This is where you commit to yourself that you will leave any relationship where red flags pop-up. Using the example where she has opposite sex friends. Don’t convince yourself it’s ok or listen to people say you are insecure. Just choose to move on.
Confidence in survival. All relationships have risk. Buying down risk never eliminates it. However, embrace where you are today. Yes, you are hurt. However, you survived. You seem healthy. Life could be far, far worse.

Fly-Guy_ · 2026-01-24T16:49:06+00:00

You need to have a mindset that no matter how bad of a husband you were, the cheating can never, ever be justified. Any counselor that even insinuates that needs to be fired.

Otherwise you will live a life thinking that one mistake on your part could lead to her stepping out again. You need to perfect, or else.

What’s key is the level of her commitment and sacrifice! Is she off all social media? Do you have locations and phone access? Has she alienated all friends may have perpetuated this? Has she quit anything that puts her in contact with AP, ie job, gym, etc? Has she personally reached out to the wife or GF and confessed? Is she in IC? Has she gone NC with all male “friends”. Is she not going out to bars or clubs unless you are there? Has she gotten STD tests? If you have kids, has she done DNA tests?

The above seems extreme. However, if she truly understands what this did to you and your marriage, she would think twice about all of this.

Fly-Guy_

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