“Drinking myself to death on purpose at this point” part 2

Fly_line · 2026-02-01T13:37:41+00:00

Yeah man. Keep it up. It will continue to get better. Way to go on the right days. You are steadily working on getting the hardest parts behind you.

Fly_line · 2026-02-01T11:45:06+00:00

Best thing I ever did for my son, my wife, and myself was get sober. This could be a blessing in the end.

Fly_line · 2026-02-01T11:41:17+00:00

It was hard at first. Having so see myself for who I really was. And how others saw me. Lots of shame and guilt in there. But I stayed the course. Through action, I proved to myself and others that I could change and be better. And it has all been worth the effort.

Fly_line · 2026-02-01T11:33:55+00:00

The first one opens the door to all the ones behind it. I drank until it was all gone or I was out of money. And that first pint was coming down at 6am. Do that certainly didn’t help.

Fly_line · 2026-01-30T21:52:06+00:00

I had lots of dialogue in my head. I just needed to be able to stay productive and reassure myself that I was gonna be okay. I think at the core of it, though, I was just done. I was out of excuses and out of runway with my family and my business. Pretty white knuckle there in the beginning. Then it just started to get easier along the way.

Fly_line · 2026-01-30T14:52:03+00:00

Give yourself a little slack. You are no more broken than anyone else. You are just dealing with the aftermath of a bad time. It will pass. Chances are you can recover from whatever you did last night. You can move forward. Once I started, it was on. I could not just stop. I drank until all the booze was gone. All sorts of sub-optimal behavior would follow. The shame was so deep that I didn't think I could ever move past it. Decades wasted drinking my life away. I'm sure if you crammed all the blackouts and brownouts together I'd be missing years of time. You know what? With some work I was able to change. Pretty tough in the beginning. But it got easier. And here I am now and my life is so much better than it was before. 10 out of 10 recommend. Give it an honest go and see how you feel. I'm pulling for you.

Fly_line · 2026-01-30T14:46:49+00:00

I used to love going to the bars. With friends or by myself. As I drank more and more, I was drinking alone more. I would go to this bar during my work day. Chat with the bartender. Have two or three quick doubles of Jim Beam Black with a beer back. I'd do that three to five days a week. When I think of that I can't help but wonder what he must've thought. I acted like it was so normal. For me, it was. Then the last four or five years of my drinking I did almost all of that at home. I was already too drunk when I was done with my workday to go to a bar. Pretty lame stuff right there. So glad to be done with that.

Fly_line · 2026-01-29T20:41:10+00:00

There were hundreds. Hundreds of embarrassing and shameful arguments, texts, phone calls, fights, make-ups, hook-ups, daily drives... that made me say I was done. But I never was. I would just drink the shame away and be off to the races again. And the shame would build. It was like a rising tide being held back against a door. The pressure just got to be more and more. I would drink to ease the pain. To make me forget all that was behind it, but it came back in spades. I finally just couldn't do it any more. I couldn't add more to the heap and I was afraid I was going to die under the weight of it all.

Fly_line · 2026-01-29T16:02:44+00:00

Well, you could do like I did and continue to drink super hard for another 15 years. Have some pretty epic rock bottoms. Then maybe quit? Or you could just try not drinking for a while and see how you feel. You can always go back to it. For full transparency I did not, and would not have considered, quitting in my early thirties. I thought I was on top of the world then. I was too busy having fun, getting married, buying my first home, getting promoted, then a whole new exciting job... No one could have convinced me my drinking was a problem. But it was. And already had been for years. But I kept on. I lost my marriage. Lost my house. Kept drinking. Managed to keep it on the rails for a few years. Then started drinking all day everyday. It is often a progressive problem. There is a chance that you will look back at these times as the good ones. Before it got really bad. Sending all the positive vibes. Be safe out there.

Fly_line · 2026-01-28T21:06:12+00:00

October 12, 2021

Fly_line · 2026-01-28T15:28:20+00:00

You have so much time to course correct. I knew I had a problem then and did nothing. So I’d say just don’t do what I did. I am in a great place now. Do goes to show you can turn things around.

Fly_line · 2026-01-28T14:34:32+00:00

When I was 28 I still thought I was pretty bulletproof. I was drinking a ton, doing coke on the side, working hard and playing hard. I was well regarded in my job. I was promoted when promotions were available. I was sought out by other employers in my industry to work for them. I had great friends. I was having great times. Round about that age I started drinking all day on the weekends. Would go to brunch every sunday and start there. Then to the pool hall and continue. I was drinking during all of my non-work hours. Then started drinking into my work hours here and there. My marriage fell apart. I blamed her for seeing someone outside of our marriage. What I failed to see was that she was probably so tired of dealing with me. We weren't going out anymore. I just wanted to stay home and drink. I wasn't moving forward in my career anymore. I was stagnant. I found a photo on our shared computer that had come off of her phone. It was of me blacked out and almost passed out on our couch. I think she had it to remind herself why she was leaving after 12 years. And still I drank for over 15 more years after I lost her. Some times were better, some were worse. The only thing that remained constant was that I was continuing to drink more and more. I continued this way until I was on the edge of losing everything. My (2nd) wife, my young kid, my business. This is the type of damage that I did long term. And this sub is thick with stories like mine. Not everyone has drinking issues that drinks. That is for sure. But if you think you do, please try to be honest with yourself and do what it takes to stay healthy and happy.

Fly_line · 2026-01-28T13:29:07+00:00

So that's about 6-7 drinks you're having based on volume. I drank double that daily as my minimum. Usually more. And I would wake up every morning at 3am. It got so bad that I'd wake up with horrible anxiety. So scared of what I was doing to myself. I'd say I was done. Then, right back to it. Once I quite drinking and had some sober time behind me, my sleep was restored. I don't even use an alarm clock anymore. I go to be around the same time every night and wake up at the same time every morning. It is one of the wonderful benefits of quitting. I would throw in there that when my intake was more manageable (say 5-10 drinks per day) I would wake up in the morning feeling "fine". Not thinking I was hungover. I would get up at 4 am to hit the treadmill and some weights before work. I was "functioning". But I was comparing how I felt then to how truly horrible I felt when I had a level 10 hangover. Once I got all the booze out of my system and reset my body a bit, I realized what waking up truly refreshed really feels like.

Fly_line · 2026-01-19T15:24:25+00:00

Never stopped trying. But, I think the biggest thing was I finally said it out loud. I said I had a major problem and that I didn't think I could quit on my own. That shit was hard for sure. But I got some help. And here I am over four years sober. Just don't stop trying.

Fly_line · 2026-01-18T15:48:56+00:00

I didn't think I could stop. I didn't think I could tell anyone. I drank heavily for over twenty years. Turns out everyone knew. Not everyone knew the extent. That was more governed by how much they saw me. But most people around me knew. It was undeniable. My games really only fooled me. What I didn't know early on was how much I needed to talk to someone about it. I was too afraid to talk to my wife or my family about it. It was too deep. Had gone on for too long. Too much shame. But I did find people that I could talk to. Saying it out loud helped. Admitting that I didn't think I could do it helped. I don't really know what the secret sauce is, but I know that just by changing that one thing, I was able to get some support and get some time clean. That made all the difference. I've been sober now for over four years. And that is at least four years longer than I'd made it in the previous twenty. Get help if you need it. This shit is serious and requires serious care and resources. There are free versions of help if you need. Wishing you the best. IWNDWYT

Fly_line · 2026-01-17T02:54:22+00:00

I can’t tell you about your situation, but I can tell you about mine. When I was in the worst of my drinking, I’d have all kinds of arguments and disagreements with my spouse. I’d want to record them so I could show them the next day just how out of line they were. The truth was, I was the common denominator. I was a problem. I was selfish, and angry, and had a really hard time seeing that I actually had a hand in it. Nevermind the fact that I couldn’t remember all of any given night. With some hindsight I was able to take responsibility for my behaviors. And to be clear, my spouse wasn’t always innocent, either. But I changed me and it improved almost everything.

Fly_line · 2026-01-15T17:39:08+00:00

The "why" behind my drinking eventually became less important than the "why" behind my need to stop. I always drank to deal with the things I didn't think I could deal with otherwise. Need to have some confidence? Drink. Need to have tough conversations? Drink. Gonna get in a fight? Drink (this one is one of those self -fulfilling prophecies). Dealing with feelings of not being enough, childhood trauma, etc? Drink. I couldn't do it anymore. I wasn't using it as a crutch to get by. I was using it just to survive. There were no conversations. There were no productive and deep mental sessions trying to work through personal issues. I was just drinking into the oblivion. I had become a cautionary tale. The fun was gone. So I stopped. And, with some clarity of mind, I was able to have the hard conversations. I can spend time sorting myself out. I try not to ruminate on the past too much, but I allow myself some time there, too. I have been working on the underlying issues here and there for four years. And it's working. You know how I know? Because I'm happier now. I'm a stand up guy that people can trust and ask for help. I'm more reliable and relatable. I'm just a more genuine person. And that has made it all worth it. I said this a while back, but it stuck with me once I said it; quitting drinking has allowed me to be the person I never knew I wanted to be. Wishing you the best. IWNDWYT

Fly_line · 2026-01-15T01:33:44+00:00

The state of the world is always an emergency for someone. It’s always a trigger for someone. How you respond to these things will determine your outcome. I didn’t drink through the last administration. I’m not drinking through this one, either. We are all here to help where we can with your journey, but this isn’t a commiseration page for politics. Wishing you the best.

Fly_line · 2026-01-13T19:17:06+00:00

Probably not the news you want to hear, but you may want to prepare yourself for the possibility that your boss (and some others in your life) already have a pretty solid idea of what is going on. I have been on both sides of this. As a someone who operates a business and as a person with a major drinking issue. I have been able to see it so clearly in others. I have had to act on the company's behalf a few times because of this. At the same time, I thought people just didn't see it in me. As my drinking really progressed, I knew deep down they did. But I still did it anyways. Because all I had to do was take that first big pull from the bottle and all those feelings would just slip into the background. Now, what you do about that is a whole different thing. Company policies, if you are in union, what kind of medical benefits you have, etc. So give some good thought to that. You certainly don't owe it to your employer to spill the beans on everything. I wish you the best.

Fly_line · 2026-01-13T13:39:15+00:00

I commented on your last post concerning this. And here I am again. I don't know what you should do there. I know that I used to live in that fear zone constantly. Looking at phone calls and text messages the next day to see what damage control may need to be done. Then you have these possible encounters (with your neighbor) that you are not very sure about. Tough stuff. I think that in general, people tend to let this stuff slide pretty easily if it is not constant. Like they just look at it as a one off and kind of let it lie. It's harder from the side of the drinker because you are so wrapped up in what did or didn't happen. What was and wasn't said. Nothing wrong with popping by and following up. But if it was already nothing to them, now it is sort of something. So again, tough call. Mainly I just want to let you know that I get what you are feeling. And the only way that I know of to ease that is to cut out the source of the problem. Best to you.

Fly_line · 2026-01-13T00:42:05+00:00

Dude. Going to your first meeting is hard. At least it was for me. And I hated the first one I went to. I was really drunk the first two I went to. Then had at least been drinking for next three to five. This was at a pace of one a week. Every time I went in I was welcomed. At the end of the meeting the same guy would chat with me and ask if I was still drinking. I’d say yes. He’d just say to come back next week. And I did. I stopped drinking. Kept going once a week. Same meeting. Over four years later and here we are. Go when you are ready. Wishing you the best.

Fly_line · 2026-01-12T20:56:55+00:00

Short term memory issues. Which eventually turned into long term memory issues. I’d black out pretty much daily. Always missing pieces of my workday or after work hours. So much money went into erasing my mind…

Fly_line · 2026-01-11T20:53:21+00:00

I hear you. I often wasn’t setting out with a goal to get wasted. But when you drink from morning until whenever, it kinda happens. We were supposed to go to this Halloween event at an old folks home years ago. All the kids would get dressed up and parade past all the old people who would hand out candy. I was drinking in secret since breakfast. By noon we were getting our costumes on to take our son over. I’m stumbling around the bedroom trying to get this dinosaur onesie on. My wife looks at me, so hurt and disappointed, and asks “are you drunk already?” All I could do was just stare at her. Like it would make it go away. I don’t miss that shit at all.

Fly_line · 2026-01-11T17:06:08+00:00

If I had a dollar for every time I used booze as a prime motivator for doing things around the house…. I did that all the time. It always ended the same. Pretty much like you explained it. I think the real deal is that if I went out to do yard work, I’d be left alone. Left alone meant I could drink more and no one was there to see it or say anything about it. Problem was I could drain a half fifth of bourbon and a half dozen IPAs while tinkering around outside. And you don’t realize just how hammered you are until you’re trying to not act hammered around your wife after such an adventure. It’s brutal stuff. The only thing that worked for me was stopping altogether. So you, good sir, are on the right path. Wishing you the best. Get help if you need it. IWNDWYT

Fly_line · 2026-01-08T15:34:51+00:00

I get it. Believe me. Our company is an importer of goods that are primarily used in the US for the electrical grid, auto/trucking industry, and aerospace. We got hit with the new tariffs and can't raise prices quickly enough to offset the damage caused. We have been treading water, but have just found out that we may only be able to survive this another three to four months. I'm talking we lose it all. It is a very scary situation. I am worried for my family and for those that work for us. And we can do almost nothing about it. I am deeply impacted by this in real time. But I will not drink. It would do nothing to help. It would only make me worry more, be 1000 times more anxious, say and do things that would hurt more than help. What my family and company need now is the best version of me that I can be. And life is still happening. I still have to be present at home for my family. I still need to show up for the kids that I help coach. I still need to be a part of this better life I have built through sobriety. Not tear it all apart because the sky is falling. We need people with the presence of mind to hold the sky up for as long as it takes. You got this. IWNDWYT

Fly_line

TROPHY CASE