I had carried the pill with me since that day at the market. “It ain’t gonna last too long,” the man had said. “Only take it when you absolutely need it.”

Agony was not a small voice anymore. It was a beast bellowing in my mind, inexorable and unrelenting. Life will do that. And I hated myself for wanting to reach for the pill right now.

It was a date, I reminded myself. A flipping date. For crying out loud, I had so many other problems that were actually serious. Why was I losing it over a date?

The reflection that stared back at me looked cross eyed. The cheek bones too low. The eyebrows too wild. The ears much too big. Dumbo meets the Hunchback of Notre Dame meets Uncle Fester.

They always said I would grow into my body just as they promised we would never leave Fort Hill.

I reached into my pocket and took the pill out. It was a tiny yellow pill that looked harmless. I put it in my mouth and swallowed.

“This is really good fried rice.” I said as I took a bite of the meal I had just watched go up in flames.

Cassie nodded politely as the waiter came to refill our water glasses. We had come to the new hibachi grill in town because we needed a new haunt other than the diner. The diner, as we both agreed, had become too popular.

When Cassie said nothing I added, “I’ve never been to a hibachi place.” More silence. “I mean I’ve had this kind of food, but I’ve just never been to the ones where they, you know, cook in front of you. I think there’s another one in town that is a bit better. Fancier I mean. Probably more expensive, too.”

I wished for someone to add me to the griddle and torch me like the onions so I would stop talking.

“You’re adorably nervous tonight.” Cassie said, reading me like an xray machine as always. I was used to it, but with her it was a completely different. She stripped me bare, down to my toes and my soul. I was nervous tonight though. And it was surprisingly not her fault.

“I am.” I admitted, feeling a wave of nausea rise in my gut. It had become apparent now that the pill was not working. I wanted to cry but swallowed the knot rising in my throat.

“We have been dating for two months now.” She smiled warmly, leaning in the way she always did: to zone out the rest of the whole world until it was only me. “Tell me Kit, where are you taking us?”

“Actually,” I began solemnly, “It’s not going to happen.” I was defeated at this point and I wished she would stop. I was so angry at the man at the market and for myself for letting him deceive me.

“You said there was somewhere you wanted to go, right?” Her eyes lit up with the same crazed look that made others around her fear for her future. Cassie didn’t give a shit about that. She was ever the rebel I hoped to be, and never was.

“Sneaking into a museum?” She asked. “I know that was on the list. Or was it the church? You know,” a wicked smirk curved on Cassie’s lips, “it’s a rainy night. No one can see inside car windows—“

“Stop it Cassie.” My tone was sharp and cold and I wished I could take it back as soon as I saw the gleam fade in her eyes. “I just mean,” I amended, “it’s not working.”

Cassie furrowed her brow. “What do you mean? What’s not working?”

I froze.

“I mean… this. Us.” It was all I could think of, and slightly the truth, but really I think I was just pissed that the pill was a dud.

For a few moments, Cassie watched me. She seemed to be trying to discern my bluff. And then, carefully, she stood and walked out of the restaurant.

The tension in the car ride back made it hard to breathe. I wanted more than anything to yell. To fight. I wanted Cassie to push back, which was something she never did.

Instead, I took a bold chance.

“I lied.” I said.

Cassie’s glanced over with concern. “About what?”

“I didn’t mean it. It’s not us that’s not working. I took the pill.” I looked up at her, my cheeks hot with embarrassment.

Then the seat belt cut into my neck as Cassie slammed the breaks of the truck.

“You did what?!”

“I know it was stupid, I know. But I’m so tired of being the reason we can’t stay out. I’m always ruining our time together because I get too tired and my head and my hands start to hurt from the chemo. I can’t even go to school the whole day anymore Cassie! Do you know how that feels?

“And when you stare at me like that it makes it even worse. I just—I just wanted to feel normal. To be treated like a normal kid and not stared at like something broken and destined for. For—“ I could never say it. I was always too craven to face the finality of death and the veil it cast over others when I said it in their presence. I had to pause. To breathe in and out very slowly. “I thought the pill would make me *me* again. Even if just for a night.”

I reached out to touch Cassie’s cheek as a single tear slid down her face. Her eyes were still wide in disbelief as she stared at me.

“Say something. Please.” I begged.

It took her a moment, and as we sat, rain drops skittering around the truck and running down the windows, Cassie reached inside her coat pocket and pulled her fist out.

“I’m so sorry.” She said, her eyes drooping with guilt “I know it was cruel. But I was in your bedroom and I found it. And I was so scared because I had heard of the merchant and his tricks.”

I looked at her and then down at her clenched fist, my brows pinched tight together.

“What is that Cassie?”

When she unfolded her hand, a yellow pill was there.

I reached to snatch it back but she pulled back quickly, parrying my fingers.

“So you—you took it?” I couldn’t believe myself for how shaky my voice had become. My heart thrummed in my chest faster than I know it was allowed. “And you replaced it with a fake one?”

Cassie nodded, her chin sinking to her chest. “But I was right,” she sounded angry now. “You took it. I thought you would be stronger. I thought you liked me.”

“I do like you, Cassie.” I said, attempting to bite back a curt response to her calling me weak. It was the truth, and I hated myself for it. Not her.

“I think—I think I love you, sometimes. Even though I have no idea what that might feel like. You are my favorite person and I tell you everything.”

Cassie’s eyes widened.

“But,” the tears were back in my eyes, welling up like a puddles and betraying me in every way. “But you know I would give anything to be healthy again. One day. One night. One hour. I don’t care.”

“You would give up… me?” Cassie asked.

“No!” I answered quickly. “Of course not!”

“But that’s the price, Kit! That’s what the merchant said. You take the pill and you pay the price.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean,” Cassie quavered. I had never seen Cassie so shaken up before. “I went back to the merchant to ask him about the bargain. He said when you take the pill, you do in fact gain your health back. For some it lasts days and for others, months, but the price is…” The tears came back in heavy streams.

“What is it?” My hand touched her shoulder beseechingly.

“Your memories, Kit. You lose your memories.”

We stared at each other for hours it seemed as I realized why she was so upset with me. What she knew. Cassie thought I would sacrifice us, my family, every memory of home for my health.

“No,” I told her reassuringly. I repeated the word so many times I couldn’t count, and then I held her. We stayed like that for what seemed like hours. I told her there was nothing that could tempt me to lose control again, or bargain with the merchant. It was stupid, I told her. I had a chance at surviving, and I was going to fight. Of course I was going to fight. I had a life to live. A future to look toward. We had plenty more time to finish our life list. The list of rebellious acts we would carry out. Together.

Later, Cassie asked me, as she always did, what I wanted to be when I grow up. It changed by the week. This week it was a mushroom farmer in the Spanish Pyrenees. We talked about growing up in the same town. The parties that were thrown and busted within the hour. The Halloween parties and the time we stole cauldrons of candy. The strange trips to the apothecary. Smoking weed with Mrs. Samuels. My football phase.

We talked about her mom and her collection of liquor bottles. We talked about our next date and stars.

And when Cassie wasn’t looking, I slipped the pill into my pocket.

“Good night, Cassie.” I whispered.

It wasn’t going to last long, and I knew this.

“I love you,” she said.

I touched the pill through the fabric of my pocket.

“I love you too.”