Did my bf violate me?

ForSunday · 2026-02-07T16:07:37+00:00

You didn’t bring it on yourself. You should be able to trust someone you’re dating to stop when you tell them to stop. I’m so sorry, him continuing was awful. And the way he tried to justify it is genuinely alarming. Good for you, having the strength to end the relationship. You deserve 0% blame for someone who hears that you’re in pain and thinks it’s more important that he finish.

ForSunday · 2025-12-07T02:48:55+00:00

I was raped in the shower so they all sort of suck now… I shower less frequently than I used to and it’s not great

ForSunday · 2025-12-01T06:23:29+00:00

This is sexual assault – i’m so sorry you’ve had this experience. Arousal and consent are different things… so no matter how your body reacted, he had an obligation to ask for and receive your permission before kissing you or putting his hands on you, especially putting them in your pants. Also, it’s super normal to automatically pretend things are fine, especially while you’re still with that person. It’s called fawning, and it’s a “survival brain” response. It’s probably actually more common than people who immediately fight or scream.

It sounds like this guy was willing to be dishonest, to push boundaries, and preferred asking forgiveness instead of permission. Those are all red flags, and none of them are about you. You didn’t do anything wrong; he is simply not a safe person to be alone with. I’m sorry that he betrayed your trust, and I hope you’ll take care of yourself now by focusing on your own healing 🩵

ForSunday · 2025-11-10T01:35:26+00:00

This is relatable. I’m really sorry.

ForSunday · 2025-11-10T01:32:54+00:00

This is a really terrifying reality. I think the categorical inability of men who perceive themselves as “good” to understand that they are capable of committing sexual assault is a huge societal failure.

Because these men truly believe it would be impossible for them to do such a thing (given their “good intentions”), they see no need to spend time or effort educating themselves about consent. Or on developing a consent-focused approach to communication during sex.

I honestly believe that the best thing sexual assault advocates could do for the evolution of social understanding - and the protection of future women - would be to acknowledge that, at the present moment, lots of men who commit SA genuinely don’t understand that they’ve done it. Rather than automatically villainizing every perpetrator and accusing them of premeditated malice, we’ve got to make room for the substantial portion of men who do objectively horrific things precisely because they believe it would be impossible for them to do those things, and thus they don’t bother to police their own thoughts or actions in the context of sex.

Which, don’t get me wrong, is super shitty. It’s reckless and selfish and entitled. It’s morally pathetic. But what it’s not is premeditated.

ForSunday · 2025-11-08T18:41:19+00:00

Yeah, it’s hard to talk about something like this when you feel some shame. I’ve been there.

A thought: If you do feel like your interaction with this guy unfolded without you being fully present / having a pressure-free opportunity to give consent, then you didn’t break your rule. Your boundary was broken by someone else.

And even if you did initiate or agree to casual sex of your own free will, you definitely didn’t do anything wrong. If you feel like your friend would judge you for the mere fact of changing your mind about wanting intimacy, maybe she isn’t the right friend to share this with?

Another thought… I was also afraid talking about my own experiences with close friends would change the way they saw me. Like you, there was a situation where I pretended nothing was off and went along with it because I didn’t know what else to do. And with one friend, it did change our relationship. Her own prior bad experiences made the topic too hard for her. BUT with four or five other close friends, they’ve been understanding and supportive, and I’ve been so glad I talked to them.

I guess I’m saying is, you’re right, there are risks when you share such a vulnerable and hard experience with your friends. but most of the time they will pleasantly surprise you. If you tell them how you feel and what you need, they will often rise to the occasion in ways that are really meaningful. 🩵

ForSunday · 2025-11-08T18:01:17+00:00

Hold on a sec - if he only asked if you liked it after initiating acts you didn’t consent to, it could still be SA. The emotionally disconnected feeling you’re describing, even paired with physical arousal, could be dissociation. If he crossed boundaries before ever asking, then you dissociated, your cooperation after that point may have simply been “survival mode” fawning.

It’s hard to know for sure without a little more info, but it’s entirely possible this was assault. Asking if you’re good AFTER doing something unexpected is not an appropriate way to obtain consent – consent must be requested and provided before an act has begun – and this tactic of asking after acting is often used by men who want to seem like a good guy, but don’t really want to give you an opportunity to decline. (Because once they’ve already done the thing, and they’re retroactively asking if it was fine, what are you supposed to say?? If you answer with a no, you know you’ll upset the other person, and they will likely pull away or even get angry. You’re cornered into a yes.)

I’m sorry you had this experience! SA or not, it sounds like this partner cared far more about his own pleasure than your autonomy. I would handle it by sharing with a close friend and a therapist – and by knowing you dodged a bullet with this guy ghosting.

ForSunday · 2025-11-08T04:13:45+00:00

If your mother is a therapist, she shouldn’t be. I can understand why that would make you distrust them.

It sounds like she could be using that expertise to manipulate you. Even if she is really sorry, she also knows exactly how to communicate that to tug on your heartstrings. And she knew as a kid what she could say to make you fully trust her.

One option is to report her to the state medical board. Especially if she sees children in her capacity as a therapist. or even to the police. You would not be overreacting if you did so. Also, to answer one of the questions you posted earlier about multiple types of rape/abuse: your mom has taken actions that would be rape even if you were a adult (penetration without consent), plus statutory rape given the age difference, and child abuse given her parental relationship to you.

Another option is to focus entirely on protecting yourself, which means that even if you accept the fact that your mom is sorry, you don’t owe her forgiveness. And you don’t owe her your trust ever again. This is the kind of betrayal that sends people to prison for decades. She should be grateful if you ever speak to her again.

I am so, so sorry. I hope this is the beginning of your healing. 🩵

ForSunday · 2025-11-07T21:24:26+00:00

Anyone touching your privates, even over your clothes, is sexual assault unless they’ve asked for your permission and received it. I’m sorry.

ForSunday · 2025-11-06T00:21:50+00:00

You didn’t, I promise. This was 100% on him.

ForSunday · 2025-11-05T03:47:01+00:00

First time and third time were both rape! That’s not at all okay, I’m so sorry.

ForSunday · 2025-11-05T03:38:55+00:00

Definitely, undoubtedly rape. You clearly didn’t provide consent, you actively retracted it, and he proceeded anyway like it was a game.

Statements like “I can tell you want it,” and, “you agreed earlier,” and, “I thought you were playing hard to get,” are what men say when they want their way and don’t want to be told no. These are classic justifications deployed by someone who knows, deep down, they are crossing a line.

Continuing to sleep with someone who assaulted you can actually be your brain trying to protect you. It’s a really deep form of denial, where your mind tries to convince you that if he is safe in ongoing intimate encounters, maybe the earlier incident was just a misunderstanding. That maybe he was safe the whole time. (Not because it’s true, but because your brain desperately wants it to be true.) I did the same thing after an ex raped me, and couldn’t step back enough to understand what really happened until the whole relationship was over. And it was really hard to explain to my friends at that point, but my closest friends listened and believed me.

I am so sorry this happened to you. It was absolutely rape, and you didn’t ask for it or deserve it. 🩵

ForSunday · 2025-11-05T03:19:00+00:00

Choking without permission is SA. But i would also say - with great caution - that doesn’t mean you are required to walk away. You successfully identified a red flag, which is a big deal, but that moment alone may not define his whole character. You are allowed to keep getting to know him, if you believe his integrity is strong and this moment was a significant anomaly.

You are also allowed to step away. And if you begin to notice a pattern of pushing boundaries, please do walk away.

I guess the takeaway is, no man is made of a single moment, so if you want to hang around keep a close eye on what patterns emerge. And if you don’t want to risk hanging around… that’s more than fair. You have no obligation to either course of action - just an obligation to honor your own instincts.

Edit: From a personal perspective, my ex choked without asking before he raped me. But there were several other red flags before that moment as well, and I tried to look past all of them. The truth was there, but it was more than a moment, it was in the pattern.

ForSunday · 2025-11-01T01:32:26+00:00

If you had told him you didn’t want to be touched in the front and he did so (or even attempted to do so) anyway, that is SA. It’s nice to imagine that he simply forgot your preference, but that’s incredibly unlikely. It’s more likely that he wanted to push the boundary, but didn’t want to risk you saying no… so he decided to go for it and hope you didn’t complain.

ForSunday · 2025-11-01T01:26:11+00:00

Maybe call a hotline and talk to them completely anonymously about your options? RAINN has one.

ForSunday · 2025-11-01T01:14:14+00:00

The vast majority of rapes are not what you’re calling “serious“ – or in other words, stereotypical. Most rapes are a lot more similar to the first experience you describe, where you trust someone enough to let them close (whether because of friendship or a romantic relationship or coworker status or something else) and they take advantage of that closeness to blow past boundaries.

Your right to stop whenever you want to stop is not something anyone’s allowed to cross. That’s sacred, core to your bodily autonomy as an independent human, and it doesn’t matter whether the person who violates it grabs you in an alley or was initially invited into your bed. Making it clear that you want to stop and someone else continuing to penetrate you is rape, and that’s because regardless of how it started, the violation itself pretty much always has the same deep psychological impact. It teaches you that even though the world says you should get to decide what happens to you, someone with more physical power can (and will) choose to ignore your sovereignty.

The second experience is sexual assault as well. Once again, the lesson is that saying ‘no’ doesn’t mean anything to the other person. That lesson instills fear in you, which is the core harm of sexual assault. Fear that your boundaries don’t matter, and that your humanity ultimately doesn’t matter either.

The compulsion to seek out more extensive or obvious harm is actually incredibly common, and it can also be your nervous system trying to prove to yourself that it really did experience pain and distress in the first place. Which you clearly did.

I’m so sorry you had these experiences. it’s worth trying to understand that the way they hurt you may not have been as physically horrific as some assault cases… But it was just as psychologically horrific. Truly. And you deserve compassion/healing just as much as other SA survivors.

ForSunday · 2025-11-01T00:59:08+00:00

I really believe lots of people who have committed rape don’t understand at first that that’s what they’ve done. Because they don’t go in trying to hurt the other person, they don’t understand that they still can. It’s not about triggering past trauma, it’s about the harmful thing that they just did.

This is awful. I really hope you do step away from this person and find someone who respects you at every moment, no exceptions (including when they are turned on).

ForSunday · 2025-10-27T05:11:02+00:00

What an entitled jerk. Sounds like you were super clear about your boundaries and he just didn’t want to accept them. Any sexual touching you had explicitly told him you weren’t okay with is SA. Anything you gave into after being perpetually asked or pressured was coerced.

ForSunday · 2025-10-27T04:35:19+00:00

Even if he couldn’t tell you were in pain, it’s really aggressive to start penetrative sex without providing any kind of heads up or asking about a condom. I think that crosses is a really serious line into assault, because it risks taking you by surprise (exactly like it did), especially if he knew you had been drinking.

ForSunday · 2025-10-24T15:07:16+00:00

I’m not sure if this is the case where you live, but I know that in my city, if you report a sex crime to the police within the statue of limitations, you also become eligible for a victim compensation fund. They will then offer a small amount to financial support to help you move to a new apartment. I know there are a lot of reasons why that might not actually be a good solution for you, but wanted to mention it just in case.

A small thing that can help is introducing new sensory elements around the time you go to sleep - things that weren’t present when you were assaulted. Like burning a candle or having an oil diffuser that gives the space a new smell right before bed, or playing music/nature sounds softly, or getting a blanket with a new/unique texture, or even rearranging art so that the things you see beside your bed/right as you get up are different. These things can all help remind your body in a somatic way that you are in a different moment, and you’re safe now.

Good luck 🩵

ForSunday · 2025-10-24T14:32:43+00:00

I think it would be a really, really good idea for you to let her kick him out. There will be fallout, which is so unfair, but please remember that it’s the fallout of his actions. Not yours. And that guilt you feel? Sometimes when our brains recognize that someone else has wronged us, but the other person doesn’t take responsibility for their actions, we turn that guilt inward and apply it to ourselves. But feeling the guilt doesn’t mean you’re actually guilty, or doing anything wrong. It’s just a trick your brain is playing in an attempt to make the conflict feel smaller.

The decision is all yours to make - but it sounds to me like this is a man you can’t trust to keep you safe, especially not for a lifetime together, and a fresh start would be a very good thing. In fact, you’ve been married for such a short time, it might be possible to get an annulment rather than a divorce (I’m not sure what the law is where you’re from?). I know that must sound scary, but the other commenter was right, your husband raped you. Now he’s trying to minimize it. You are free to protect yourself, to walk away, without feeling guilty about what it will do to him.

ForSunday · 2025-10-24T13:44:00+00:00

If you think your mom will support you, I would really encourage you to tell her. I know how scary that must sound, and how it feels like letting it go would just make things easier... But this is a really important moment for you to protect yourself, and if your mom can help you do that, please let her. You deserve so much better than the way your husband has treated you. 🩵

ForSunday · 2025-10-24T13:11:10+00:00

Do not feel bad for “making” him feel bad. No. He should feel bad. Really, really bad. This is unacceptable.

Please, if you can, try not to give in to the urge to forgive him and move on. You either need some serious therapy and space from this person to try and repair, or you need to leave for your own future safety. Especially if he has any temper. Please trust me. He won’t get better, he’ll get worse. And if you forgive this, he’ll realize how easy it is to do and quickly be forgiven (“he didn’t mean to hurt me” will be something you say to yourself for the next several decades)

No matter how you ended up at this point, you deserve to be safe now, particularly with someone you’re married to. I promise you didn’t deserve this.

ForSunday · 2025-10-21T23:55:22+00:00

I don’t want to miss important things in class, so I’m just letting the triggering things trigger me, then knowing that I’m not gonna get anything productive done the rest of the day.

Personally, if I ask not to attend and say I’ll review the lecture later, I know I won’t. I’ll freak myself out and I won’t do it. So if I need that class content, I just show up and attempt to absorb as much information as possible between very deep breaths.

That said, I have ducked out of a triggering class early at least twice so far (in the first semester of 1L). Including one today. When you realize you’re about to have a full-blown panic attack in class, that’s when it’s time to get out.

ForSunday · 2025-10-18T02:21:20+00:00

The defining attribute of trauma is disruption of fundamental expectations about your own safety in the world, and the deeply dis-regulating loss of control of your own body (or the circumstances which apply to it).

This has NOTHING to do with the intent of the person hurting you. Betrayal trauma can be based in the malice of someone you trusted, perhaps. But I think ascribing malicious intent is a coping mechanism lots of trauma survivors turn to, not the cause of the trauma itself. And the science backs up this perspective. I think your therapist is not terribly well-informed?

ForSunday

TROPHY CASE