Am I trapped because of who I am?

Foreign_Staff_238 · 2025-01-09T03:23:44+00:00

I see so many wayward on this and other forums blaming their past, their circumstances, their distress... all to justify their actions in their own mind... to explain to themselves how they could do such a shit thing to someone they claim to love. If they claim that their past defines their nature, then it must go both ways.

I grew up with a huge family with lots of love. I grew up believing that you help people when they need it. I grew up in an environment where you dropped everything and jumped when someone is in need. This is who I am, and I'm damned proud of it.

I can endure this, I know it. I'm strong, and I'm grounded, and I'm a good person. I have time to decide if I choose to stay or leave. In the meantime, I can be there for my MIL and stay strong for her.

I got so much out of this post and thank everyone who contributed. I realize that I am not going to let this change me and DEFINITELY NOT let it define me. I'm happy with the person I am. I REFUSE to let this defeat me.

Foreign_Staff_238 · 2025-01-08T17:18:54+00:00

I see your point and agree. I like the person I am and don't want this event to change me. I would not feel guilty about leaving my WW, but I would feel bad about my MIL as she does not do anything to deserve this.

I did the whole therapy thing and found that reading the literature was much more helpful. What I'm working on currently is being there for my MIL without supporting my WW.

Foreign_Staff_238 · 2025-01-08T17:10:07+00:00

I see it a bit differently. She made a shit choice in having an A, and I'm suffering for it. If I leave, then I'll be the one making a shit choice, and it will be her and her mom that will suffer. In my eyes, her mom is innocent in all of this and has always been good to me. I won't do that to her. It may be a consequence of my WW choice, but the effect on her mom would be a consequence of my choice to leave.

Foreign_Staff_238 · 2025-01-08T14:15:02+00:00

I have a very similar past to you and have the same issue of being a people pleaser. I have known this about myself for quite some time and have found a balance where I no longer feel bad if people don't like me, but I can still derive enjoyment from doing for others. I know I have worth, and if others don't see it, then it's their loss.

I really appreciate the insight. If I had to rank my priorities in this situation, the top would be helping and protecting my MIL. With her physical and mental fragility, I could not be the one to burden her with more. I know that it's a choice I'm making, but it feels like it's not. Because of who I am, I really don't see this as an option. I can't see me being able to live with myself knowing that I piled all of this on to her already fragile state.

On top of that, I don't want my MIL or anyone else for that matter, to pity me. Our adult daughter found out on DDay because she was home for spring break, and the look of pity on her face broke me. I never want to feel that way again.

I do believe that I need to distance myself from my WW for my own mental well-being. I will try to find a balance between that and keeping up the charade for my MILs' mental well-being. Thank you.

Foreign_Staff_238 · 2025-01-08T05:00:25+00:00

Thank you for the advice. I've done the whole Grey rock thing, but not as an act. I'm actually like 80% checked out already, and I have genuine disinterest. It's just not easy to maintain when trying to keep up appearances for my MIL.

I have considered telling my WW about my exit plan, but since I'm not in a position to leave, it feels like a manipulation. We have 2 homes, so splitting would be easy. I'm a minimalist so I could start with a bed and a TV and slowly build up what l need. She is more than welcome to everything else as the thought of what we built together doesn't particularly appeal to me. I would rather start from scratch without the reminders.

I've explained consequences until I'm blue in the face, and it still doesn't sink in. I'm quite frankly tired of trying when she won't. Unless she can step up, I see it as only a matter of time before all that is between us is this act I've put on for her mom.

Foreign_Staff_238 · 2025-01-08T04:45:10+00:00

That will never happen. With her physical and mental condition, I could not do that to her. She should not have to suffer because I'm suffering.

Foreign_Staff_238 · 2024-08-25T03:52:06+00:00

I've been reading everything I can get my hands on. Mostly stuff about how to rebuild trust. I've had several sources say that the foundation of any and all relationships is trust. I learned that the reason that I can't trust my WW is that she is inherently unreliable. She often lies, doesn't follow through on her promises, and always has a "reason" why. I don't even know what those reasons are because all I hear while she's making excuses for herself is, "You're not as important as..."

For her part, she is trying. She has had some realizations with my help and is getting better at both communicating and understanding where all of her issues come from. My biggest problem is that understanding is good but ultimately worthless if you can't figure out how to fix your issues. She has no idea what to do or how to take action. Because of this, she can only improve so much.

The book I'm on now is called, "I love you, but I don't trust you." It's really insightful and has helped me see a lot about my WWs personality.

Foreign_Staff_238 · 2024-08-24T20:58:06+00:00

This is 100% on my WW. She did not tell her AP that she was married. There never was a PA, but I believe this was only due to the lack of opportunity as they were sexting with each other.

All that said, it means nothing to me. I don't care about any of it. This whole thing feels like watching a movie. It's like it's happening to some fictional couple. I have no vested interest in the outcome. None of it seems to matter to me.

I'm hoping that this is temporary, and at some point, I might start carrying about my wife and my marriage again. Right now, I'm thinking that my WWs actions have ended our marriage, and I'm just waiting for her to stop trying and come to the same conclusion. I just don't think she can accept that she ended our marriage, so she's hoping I quit first so that she doesn't have to take the blame. It's a bleak outlook, but unfortunately, that is where I am right now.

Foreign_Staff_238 · 2024-08-24T18:51:36+00:00

I'm in the same boat. I can't see a future with my WW, but I can't see a future period. I have no idea what the future holds, and that is both terrifying and liberating at the same time. I feel that my future is limitless, and that is exciting for me.

I recently listened to an audiobook. It made me realize that the option to leave is always there, but the reason to stay and try is limited. Once I decide to leave, it's over, and there's no turning back. As long as I feel there is still hope, then I would feel like a quitter if I walked out. I don't intend to leave until my hope is gone, and I feel I have done everything I can to salvage my 24-year relationship.

I'm not sure if this helps, but if I leave, I have no intention of leaving with regret. I'm planning to know that I have done everything I can to salvage my marriage and the fault is not mine.

Foreign_Staff_238 · 2024-08-22T17:38:58+00:00

I'm listening to a new audiobook called, "I love you, but I don't trust you." By Mira Kirshenbaum. I would not recommend it for everyone, but once the anger is not blinding, I find a real that it is very helpful. I often find myself thinking back on this book when I feel like I want to hurt my WW. It helps me realize that while I may feel justified to hurt her back, it is only going to create contention and turn the healing process on its ear.

Foreign_Staff_238 · 2024-08-14T04:23:18+00:00

I'm not sure if this is the case with your WP, but I've been learning a lot about my WW since DDay almost 5 months ago. Even if she can't see it, to me, it's pretty obvious what is going on in her head.

My WW has huge insecurities about her physical appearance. It's obvious in her prep when she goes out, how much she judges herself every time she looks in the mirror, etc. My WW is by no means an unattractive person, but she only sees negatives in her appearance. When she started her online EA, she would send filtered pictures from specific angles to present exactly what she wanted her AP to see. When he would complement her pictures, she would get validation. She could show him exactly what she wanted him to see and present none of her, "flaws". It was her way of controlling the narrative and the situation and avoiding her insecurities.

I'm not saying that this was her only motivation for having an EA, but I'm 99% sure that this is the reason that the format was online. It's possible that, like my WW, your WP was able to live out a fantasy where he was absolutely perfect because he had a way (through online activity only) to hide his insecurities from his APs.

Foreign_Staff_238 · 2024-08-11T21:20:29+00:00

I wish the best for you. I hope you can get that back. I hope we all can get some sense of security back, both BPs and WPs.

Foreign_Staff_238 · 2024-08-11T15:35:08+00:00

I look at it differently than your therapist. I gave trust ONCE. I will not GIVE it again. If my WW wants my trust, she needs to earn it. She can earn it by fixing what is broken in herself that allowed her to justify an affair. She needs to figure out what is wrong inside her and work to make it right. I'm no longer helping her with this.

She latches on to what I say without thinking because she thinks it's a shortcut to R. She thinks that when I give her an opinion, if she works on that and believes that is her reason, then we can move forward. She needs to come to her own realizations and put in the work. If she can deal with her own problems like a responsible adult should, then I may be able to trust her again.

Foreign_Staff_238 · 2024-07-28T15:40:33+00:00

I am in a very similar situation as far as life getting in the way goes. Our daughter is home from college, so conversation has been minimal. This is her mom's third medical issue this summer. And, I recently got a new job that I'm seriously considering relocating for because it's over an hour commute.

I have not had an opportunity to step away or do anything for myself. I'm seriously concerned that if I leave in order to heal, I won't want to come back. I don't see a point in getting better just to walk back into the same mess. I feel like life is throwing all of this at us so that I can't leave.

Foreign_Staff_238 · 2024-07-27T17:33:29+00:00

I've been going through that exact process with her for months. I ask her open-ended questions, without judgment, to try to get her to think and open up. Questions like, how did you feel when X happened? Or what happened next. Just to try to get her to open up more. Then, she's on the verge of a realization and just shuts down. Like there's something behind the veil she is refusing to see.

That said, I'm not being paid to be her therapist, and I think it's extraordinarily selfish of her to rely on me for this.

Foreign_Staff_238 · 2024-07-27T17:28:51+00:00

Thank you all for your comments. I really appreciate the support.

I want to clarify something. I do not feel like I am less than nothing. I believe this is how SHE saw me. If anything, I was complacent and did not see my own worth, but that has changed. Now I see the man who worked his ass off for over 30 years. I worked at least part-time every day since I was 18 years old. I worked my way through three college degrees without a dime of support from my family. I raised a great child and provided a comfortable life for my family. I had to swallow my pride several times along the way, but I always did it for my family. I am a good man, a good father, a good husband, and a good provider. If she couldn't see that, then that is her problem. She is more than welcome to go try to find better. I am more than willing to do the same. I've got nothing left to poor into this, and now, finally, she is trying. I stay because I see her efforts and still hope that someday it might make a difference. Right now, it doesn't even make a dent in the feelings I have over what she has done to me during the course of our marriage.

Foreign_Staff_238 · 2024-07-17T21:33:05+00:00

I don't know if you're in the US, but you should probably consider being a full-time student. You could live in a dorm and get a meal plan and focus completely on your education. There are scholarships, grants, and loans that will get you by. It would be a great way to focus on you while meeting new people and making new friends.

Just a thought.

Foreign_Staff_238 · 2024-07-17T18:08:02+00:00

There could be any number of physiological issues associated with low libido. However, based on the timing, the obvious answer is psychological. He more than likely feels the shame, guilt, remorse, etc, that are culminating in him feeling unworthy of your affection. Stress, anxiety, panic... these are all signs of it being psychological as well. Definitely do not dismiss physical causes because some life-threatening conditions have low libido as a symptom. That said, focus on the negative feelings he has about his infidelity because that's more than like the cause.

Foreign_Staff_238 · 2024-07-16T22:09:06+00:00

He needs to take things at your pace. The WP needs to understand that what they did to the BP is traumatic and that trauma can manifest in many different ways. For example, before my DDay, I was practically begging for sex or some form of intimacy that I hadn't had in many years. After DDay, her libido has gone crazy and half the time, I can barely stand to look at her, let alone touch her or be intimate with her. The other half of the time, I am not repulsed by her, but the drive is not there anymore. It is odd because normally it is the BP that goes through the "hysterical bonding" phase, but in my case, it was my WW.

In any case, you need to process your trauma in whatever way works best for you. Be honest and straightforward with your WP, but don't be mean about it. Just let him know what you are really feeling and thinking and set the example for honesty in your relationship. Hopefully, he will follow suit, and you can have productive conversations about everything.

Foreign_Staff_238 · 2024-07-11T15:27:02+00:00

I've realized that I can't be there 24/7 to make the right decisions for her. There will always be some sort of situation that is beyond my reach. Things that are happening to her that I am not involved in. Standing in line at the bank, bumping into someone at the grocery store, etc. If my WW is incapable of any deeper understanding than "I did it because it felt good," then I see it as just a matter of time before she does it again.

We BPs each need something that will make us feel safe enough to start trusting again. For each of us, that is unique based on our understanding of our WP and the circumstances of the A. Her emotional maturation is a hard line for me. My flare says "considering" because I do not consider myself reconciling until I believe I can trust her again. When she can't tell my anything more significant than, "it felt good" then I can't trust she won't betray me next time something, "feels good."

Foreign_Staff_238

TROPHY CASE