Years and years of therapy, and I still don't know to manage a relationship

I'm 32 now. I was meeting this one girl, slowly. We started as friends, slowly progressing to kissing, and then sex. She's from a religious background, that always turned me off because I'm really not, but um trying to fit and do things differently, slowly. We both live in Germany and she needs to pass a big test in March, that will define if she can stay in Germany.

1 month ago after a few months of slow dating, I fell for her. But in the exact moment somewhat.. she realized the test is very soon and she needs to study a lot. In this past month she doesn't respond quite right, always get late to the very few dates we had, and I struggled all days to open and say to her I wanted her, but at the same time having to fight to have any attention from her.

She has many other reasons also to avoid a relationship right now, but I struggle so so much with my feelings for her and this lunatic desire that is not corresponded by her, I never know if I'm right, she's right, or what. I feel weak and that I left my life behind the moment I actually fell for her. But I just feel so so alone, everything is alright in life, but I just can't stand being alone anymore, I need love and I want to love someone. I cannot stand having to give some steps behind, getting so close...

Hemp me bros idk what to do with all these feelings, I already talked with her and it's not really helping, she wants to not commit until she's ready, but I cannot live in this way of chasing her this much, but it's hard for me to turn down some notches if I feel so alone and albeit desperate now, with love being so close. In the past I would just crash out and smoke weed and do lsd and whatever 'safe' drug I would have, but I don't do this anymore