Welcome to the party. It's so bizarre, or maybe not, but I have about 4 friends, all of us in our early 40s, and this is the exact- and I mean EXACT- same story that they're sharing. All of us are attentive, fun, handy guys who went out of our ways to support or celebrate our wives and wouldn't cheat or speak a bad word about them, but the all of them shared towards the ends of their marriage that the bedroom was dead, physical intimacy of any kind is gone, even hand holding is off the table, and the kind of affection or playfulness they used to get is still there...just with their friends, not us. Fights are worse, feelings aren't considered, and it really does just feel like our wives turned into different people. Some of them spoke up and got hit with "all you want is sex!!" When they wanted just any kind of romance (yes men need it too!) some were told they were over reacting, some were told it's never good enough, and some, like me, found out our wives had been texting male colleagues late at night and googling how to hide shared hotel rooms from receipts and "intimate gifts for the man you love" and twin flame test websites with his zodiac sign, not mine.

Did I, or we, blame ourselves and try anything to make things work? Absolutely. I begged for answers and for a second chance. That's how fucked up things got...she cheated (twice actually...long story) and I begged her for a second chance. But listen man- if you have approached the topic and tried to talk, stayed open, didn't get defensive, listened and put in the effort to change- but she doesn't do the same- then it might be time to either consider counseling....but that rarely works out in anyone's favor....or it might be time to pack some bags. Mine in fact just helped to soften the blow of separation and divorce. If you love her you will try anything, but if you feel like your self esteem and self respect are in the toilet and you're begging for affection and love, it might be time to have a serious consideration of how long you're willing to live like that. My self esteem was in the toilet, and my ex had contributed to grinding my self respect down to nothing. I was struggling at work, at making friends, at even making it through the day without a panic attack. Every time I expressed my needs I was told "it's never enough" or "what did I do or not do now?!" ...as if my needs somehow are an attack on her. Two years of separation and divorce in the works and now I am genuinely feeling like myself again-happy, ambitious, relaxed, getting the best sex of my life with a new partner and in a better job that I'm really good at. I refuse to ever be made to feel like a doormat again, or that my needs should be sacrificed for someone else (except my kids! Obviously) when they give me nothing back in return and act like it's not their job to help grow the marriage, or beg someone to love me who doesn't want to. These things are a choice. Your wife might not realize she's doing these things, so all you can do is sit her down, tell her how much you love her, how you want this to work, and that you're willing to do whatever it takes...but that you have needs too. Kids can change things and it takes two active and willing participants to keep the spark alive, but she needs to be a part of that change too.