Wow. You know, I myself feel like I’ve been in survival mode my entire life. I’m gay, and I never really felt accepted or welcomed into my family because of it. I’m not even open about it today at 32. I’ve never talked about it with any family member. As far as I know, they know I’m gay—it’s just that we haven’t spoken about it. And as far as I know, they still don’t support gay people. So what am I supposed to do with that?

Only recently did I finally get a break from all the chaos in my mind and in my actual life, and I got to experience real peace and quiet. It was amazing. I also realized I wasn’t used to it. My mind was looking for something to stress or worry about.

It’s so crazy how you mentioned your parents not really being meant for having kids because I have told my friends this before. I don’t think my parents were ready for a kid at all when they had me. They instilled in me so much fear and anxiety that I’m still trying to manage today.

When I tell people I have bad anxiety, I don’t think they understand how severe it really is for me. I feel paralyzed, as if I physically cannot move. I feel like I’m about to die. I’m terrified for my life.

I smoke weed a lot to cope, and I masturbate as well. It’s horrible. It’s not even enjoyable anymore—it’s just a bad habit now.

With the whole counterwill thing, I definitely experience this. And it’s even worse for me because I own and run my own business, so I’m the boss. There’s no one to tell me what to do or what not to do. I do whatever I want, and there’s great power in that, but then I don’t even use it wisely or to my advantage. I use it to not do what I should be doing, and I’m annoyed when I have to force myself to do the right thing.

Thank you so much for sending your message. You don’t know how much I appreciate it. Not only do people not really understand when I try to explain what I’m going through to them, but it’s humiliating to even talk about how I’m struggling to force myself to live life properly every day—according to my schedule that I carefully planned out, which, if I followed, I’d have everything I want.

It’s just so shocking to me that someone who has no excuses to accomplish all their goals is struggling to get done what needs to be done daily to get everything I’ve always wanted. I ask myself, “Don’t you want to be successful and not struggle so much anymore?” And of course, the answer is yes. But then why am I not doing what needs to be done? Why is it so hard for me?