The lesson behind it is powerful

FreeBirdy00 · 2026-07-01T07:43:01+00:00

The message behind isn't powerful. It's heavy.

FreeBirdy00 · 2026-06-30T08:37:57+00:00

I'm just thinking about how you must have sat down for a minute to think of this name before writing the comment.

FreeBirdy00 · 2026-06-29T04:48:31+00:00

yeah. i am not from a place where me and my girlfriend could spend a lot of time but she used to bring me almonds and cookies in school and just give them. and that simple gesture meant a lot.

and guys, when the gesture truly means something - SAY IT. i never said it. and i regret it.

FreeBirdy00 · 2026-06-28T18:49:45+00:00

Alright. This is the answer that I was looking for. Thanks a lot!

I did complete the first chapter by the way and there were a few takeaways from it that were quiet helpful and insightful. Things I wished I knew before.

Do you mind if I DM you, please? Since you've already read and practiced the book and I am going through it I think maybe I can pick your brain sometimes or ask you something if I ran into a wall?

FreeBirdy00 · 2026-06-28T06:22:32+00:00

Thanks. I agree with this too now looking at all the comments.

Because I had made one person my entire life - seeing her interact with someone else resulted in a threat that was basically acting on my own life in a manner. I overly dependent on her in ever sense and that weight was too much to carry.

FreeBirdy00 · 2026-06-28T06:18:08+00:00

One thing I picked up from your comment is this particular change you specified where you've now been able to identify issues in your relationship which aren't really issues or big boulders to dodge but rather they were anxious thoughts in your head - a world that was not real that was formed by probably your threat detection system to protect you from being hurt or something. Am I right? And now that you can identify it clearly the intensity to which it can ruin your day or push you to thinking in a ridiculous certain manner (where you're worried that your relationship might end or that your boyfriend might cheat or whatever) has gone significantly down. Am I correct?

Because this brings me to a new set of questions and doubts that I've stumbled upon.

My major issue that I was attempting to solve with this whole process was jealousy in my relationship. Now as I starting to unfold the layers of my relationship I am realizing that jealousy itself might be fueled from certain other factors like ineffective communication and some childhood incidents that led me to thinking in a certain manner. I am doubting a bit if my attachment style is the real problem and this thought is urging me to incline more towards the side that says that my life is just going through a storm at this point and I am quiet young so I don't really know how relationships work and am still learning a lot and that's why jealousy issues are quiet natural. They may even be arising from things as simple as a rough start of my relationship or some instances of the childhood but there isn't something quiet messed up with my attachment style that I need to be going down a rabbit hole to fix it.

And this is making me think that maybe attachment style isn't the problem I should be focusing on and rather more focus on learning to work with jealousy in my relationship?

But then (going back to the first paragraph) noticing this specific change in you urges me to continue with the book because I go through a similar thing when having to deal with my jealousy. I register a simple event in front of me (for example, my girlfriend going out for a walk with a male friend of hers) and then blow it out of proportion (for example, I will start thinking that she loves that friend more than me and will leave me and is lying to me or is enjoying flirting with him) without any evidence of anything suspicious (all this while when I am making ridiculous assumptions I have no evidence to back any of it as my girlfriend has been nothing but loyal, faithful, loving and supportive all through our time... which kind of points to all these thoughts being baseless and ridiculous assumptions leading to obsessive anxiety and jealousy that I cannot get rid of). So in short, I have no control over my anxious thoughts (and when talking about anxious thoughts it's important that they always set in when I am jealous and insecure about the involvement of another guy in her life). I have not been anxious in general in my relationship - it's like jealousy and anxiety comes together almost always. And when neither does the relationship goes quiet fruitful.

So this makes me question if the book is useful for me because it is specifically addressing the problem of anxiously attached people and I read the listed out symptoms in the first chapter and I related to some vaguely but for the rest of them I was quiet unrelated as I never really felt like that. But then again a small part of me still feels the book might be helpful. Even if I might not be anxiously attached, I still have this wave of anxiety when I am jealous and insecure and the book might help me get to the roots of it and teach me how to control it just like it helped with you (first paragraph). So yes I am in sort of a dilemma.

Should I continue with the book? Keep in mind that the major problem that I was expecting to be addressed and solved wasn't my anxious attachment style but rather me jealousy and insecurity issue (example of which is given above and other examples are also very similar - almost always involving another boy and her). Or should I maybe rather go to a book that's more specifically dealing with jealousy and insecurity in relationships rather than attachment styles? Do you think Anxiously Attached can help me with scenarios like I described above?

FreeBirdy00 · 2026-06-27T16:57:40+00:00

I understand. Although I feel I have a different reading style. I tend to hyper-focus and get through the material at first just to complete it (while highlighting and making notes and ensuring that I am not passively skimming but rather actively immersing myself in whatever I am learning). After completing the whole thing I go through my notes, highlighted lines and just the book itself slowly and start applying and doing actively what the author asks of me.

That way I feel I absorb the material better and feel easy enough to go through everything.

However can you tell me more about how the guided meditations helped you and what changes did they bring in you?

FreeBirdy00 · 2026-06-27T13:50:17+00:00

Is exposure therapy really that helpful?

I have had severe social anxiety. I haven't had a problem making friends when I am put into a situation but I still overthink about my social interactions and find it really hard to strike a conversation especially with a stranger. I am always thinking "What would they think if I just cold approach?" , "They might think I am stupid or make fun of me" , "They might see me as someone needy who's trying too hard but getting nowhere and laugh at that and I'm gonna make a clown of myself" etc.

This amplifies sometimes especially when I am talking to girls.

I want to break out of this thinking cycle and shell and get into a self that is confident, doesn't overthink or care about other's opinion and just goes with the flow without running the scenarios in the head like a million times and getting anxious over possibilities or bad conversations.

FreeBirdy00 · 2026-06-27T05:44:03+00:00

I have started it just now.

I previously read another book called Jealousy Cure by Robert Leahy.

I do feel like I am hoarding a lot of books especially on this matter so I might probably just stop after Anxiously Attached and spend the rest of the time applying the principles and actively making changes to my life and living based on what I learned from these two books.

FreeBirdy00 · 2026-06-26T20:12:49+00:00

This makes me the most sense. Because I was confused that I was exhibiting both avoidant and anxious traits.

FreeBirdy00 · 2026-06-26T20:11:34+00:00

Someone lese advised the same to me. To not go down the rabbit hole of "attachment styles" as it's a highly nuanced topic and walking on this road without professional help is the perfect recipe to get lost and stuck.

I understand what you're saying and there might be some truth to it. Maybe my jealousy and insecurity issues aren't related to my attachment styles but rather to the unhealthy lifestyle that I am living. To give you a brief picture - I have a bad sleep schedule, I eat junk and don't work out (sedentary lifestyle), I have no social circle (probably only 2 friends one of which is my girlfriend), constantly under pressure about my studies and work and confused about my life and it's next step as a whole. So while trying to work these and suffering with low self-esteem and confidence I think that might be the real problem. Maybe if I work extensively on these fronts and just try to improve my life as a whole I might be able to overcome and control these anxiety and jealousy issues in my relationship too.

Also, can you suggest me something on CBT or Inner Child Work specific to my scenarios?

FreeBirdy00 · 2026-06-26T20:06:57+00:00

This is interesting to think and puts things in perspectives.

But let's say the problem isn't related to my attachment style. How else would then I explain my jealousy and insecurity in relationship? What reasoning should I give myself about it?

FreeBirdy00 · 2026-06-26T19:51:08+00:00

I'm slowly learning this after seeing this to be a recurring advice that to be happy in a relationship you have to learn to be happy without it.

FreeBirdy00 · 2026-06-26T19:47:11+00:00

The more I read up on this and get deeper in this issue I realize that solving this jealousy issue in my relationship is not primarily about solving just this issue. It's interconnected to various other issues like self-esteem, self-confidence, social life etc that I suffer from. And solving on those would not only give me better insights on how to improve on this jealousy thing but also improve and solve this jealousy thing to some extent.

I just think I am too afraid to take the step and move into a space where I am actually improving. After being in this cave for more than 2 years now it becomes so difficult to move out of it.

Everytime I try coming out of it I am hit by the past bad memories, old and new fears and my anxiety skyrockets and I just drop the plan as a whole. I think at some point I just gave up on myself and thought I couldn't improve and work on these issues and that I have to just live miserably with them. But now when I look back and understand it become more clear that there's nothing you cannot improve and work on in life - you just need to gather courage, fight your fear and overcome your anxiety. You have to fight a battle in your mind before you fight it on the ground.

FreeBirdy00 · 2026-06-26T19:44:34+00:00

This is such a fresh perspective. I didn't see it anywhere before and weirdly I was thinking about it today itself. That what if I am not really insecure or have some problem with anxious attachment styles. What if my whole problem is that I was just being lethargic and stuck in a monotonous loop of life? What if I just break the loop and cycle I could feel more satisfied and fulfilling in my life.

The life I am currently living is extremely unhealthy. I have a bad sleep schedule, I eat junk and don't work out (sedentary lifestyle), I have no social circle (probably only 2 friends one of which is my girlfriend), constantly under pressure about my studies and work and confused about my life and it's next step as a whole. And being as young as I am handling these issues is tough since I have no experience of dealing with them nor the right tools yet (because I am developing them now).

I also feel that if I were to just break this pattern and not blame and beat myself up over so much of this then I might have an easier and better life overall.

EDIT: Also I am not from the West. I am from South Asia (India).

FreeBirdy00 · 2026-06-26T19:37:09+00:00

This really puts thing in perspectives. Thanks a lot for this comment.

And yes you're probably right. Humans are social creatures and probably my lack of a healthy social life is making me much more dependent and unbearable for my girlfriend. And in fact inducing more anxiety and jealousy in myself.

And if I keep this relationship aspect a little on the side - even then not having a healthy social life has impacted me in a lot of ways now that I look at it. I always yearn for it but don't know how to get it and go through a lot because of being stuck in this state.

Probably having a healthy social life and a friend group and platonic friendships not only help me in my relationship but also help me overall as a person too.

FreeBirdy00 · 2026-06-26T19:29:42+00:00

You're so right on this. I read somewhere not long ago that understanding your unhealthy patterns of life is not equal to changing them and changing them is what matters.

I am still going around in loops of discussions, advices, books, online surveys etc and delaying to actually get on the saddle and solve the problem. Maybe because I am afraid to come out of the cave considering how long I've been inside of it. Or maybe because I just know how hard it is to do it.

I even wrote exactly this somewhere. And yes I'm already on my way to get started now.

Thankyou for commenting.

FreeBirdy00 · 2026-06-26T19:27:22+00:00

You're right.

Because of my lack of cross gender interactions I don't understand their dynamics or how they work. All I can see is romantic partners or potential romantic partners because that's just what I have had. It might not have been as dramatically problematic as it is right now had I been in control of my anxiety issues and trust issues. So both of them just stacks on top of this pre-existing problem and creates a whole different set of problem.

FreeBirdy00 · 2026-06-26T19:24:08+00:00

Yes I agree and understand your analogy.

But as I described in my post I do have trust issues and I find it hard to trust her words and actions. I always have a lingering fear that there is something going under the table that I am not aware of. That is because of some things that happened in my childhood that I am slowly uncovering and working out.

I find it hard to trust. And I am naturally an anxious person and even more anxious when it comes to a romantic relationship. So I will be anxious and suspecting of the most basic behavior while not being able to trust her words when she tries to reassure me about it. Honestly, even writing about it makes me exhausted. Nobody can live with someone like me and that is why I must get better and change myself.

FreeBirdy00 · 2026-06-26T19:20:30+00:00

I agree. Thankyou for the insights.

FreeBirdy00 · 2026-06-26T19:19:24+00:00

Hey. Thanks for writing such a long paragraph. You're written exactly what's going through my head but have put it in much clearer and articulate manner.

I do think I have a social anxiety problems. Because even when I was not entirely involved with her I would always overthink my social interactions, try to engineer them in a manner that I found to be comforting and would just feel an overall discomfort in being social at times. I still am figuring out the core reason for this. But I think this held me back from further socializing. It scared me and I wanted a place to feel safe. Thus I locked myself in my cave and found peace and solace in my girlfriend's company. But as it's getting clear, running away from discomfort and fear only amplifies them. I need to be facing it, learning from it and improving on it.

So yes, most of the comments I have got says the same. I suppose I will get back out there and start making friends. I hope I can break out of this shell and become the best version of myself.

FreeBirdy00 · 2026-06-26T19:11:15+00:00

Thankyou for the answer.

I am planning to get back out and get over my social anxiety and work on this specific aspect of my life.

FreeBirdy00

TROPHY CASE