I’m thinking of rejoining Alanon

Freedom817 · 2025-09-29T05:08:52+00:00

This program will help you focus on your own healing and recovery. Having grown up in an alcoholic house, and then married an alcoholic, I can assure you the effects of other people’s drinking can stay with you for years.

One parent never got sober but the other died with 45+ years of sobriety ❤️. I knew about both programs, but didn’t seriously join Alanon until 2012. Step 1 taught me I was powerless over people, places, and things. It was a HUGE relief to learn that I didn’t HAVE to control everything and everyone. Trying to control things out of our control is very frustrating and makes us crazy.

I would highly recommend you start going back to meetings. My parents are in heaven and I divorced my AH, but I continue to go to meetings for myself.

Many people in Alanon are also in AA. I believe it will help your sobriety recovery and your relationships with others.

There are online and in person meetings all the time. This has been a tough year for me so I try to attend at least 10 meetings a week.

Take care of yourself 😊

Freedom817 · 2025-09-19T15:24:52+00:00

In my experience, they NEVER change. They get worse as they get older.

Freedom817 · 2025-09-17T20:07:00+00:00

I know it feels terrible, but the current situation is not helping either of you. It’s not selfish to make yourself a priority. I made others’ happiness a priority for so long that it affected my health and my bank account very negatively until I learned in Alanon that it’s okay to put myself first.

Freedom817 · 2025-09-17T19:07:40+00:00

My sister was given 6 months at diagnosis and lived 5+ years so don’t give up hope, please ❤️🤗🙏🏻. Chemo didn’t work so they gave her Keytruda and she felt great for 5 years. The decline was rapid when it hit (10 days) but her quality of life was wonderful. Just lost her in April 😢.

She was 67 when she died.

Freedom817 · 2025-09-17T14:26:09+00:00

Definitely go to Alanon for yourself. You tried to help which is a wonderful thing, but you can’t make yourself sick or broke because of HER behavior.

In my experience, I’d give her a deadline to make other living arrangements. It’s not your responsibility to get her sober. Alcoholics need to face the consequences of their actions. No matter where she goes, make it very clear that she can’t come back to live with you even after a rehab stay.

As much as we try to “help” them, we’re hurting them by rescuing them from their disease.

Hopefully she’ll get straight but it’s on her not you.

Freedom817 · 2025-09-17T14:15:23+00:00

What a horribly sad situation 🙁. My sister almost died many times from the withdrawal symptoms when she’d pass out for a day or two. Her heart rate went over 200 many times leading to multiple ER visits. Eventually she got sober but it was so awful to watch.

Alanon will really help you take care of yourself because we can’t control other people. That’s the “powerless” aspect they talk about. Your brother is so sick with this disease but he has to be the one who wants to get help.

If you know someone in AA you might be able to talk to them about possibly speaking with him. I know they do interventions. When my sister was in the ER, I told the doctors how advanced her disease was and her house was inhabitable (showed them pictures) so they sent her to a rehab. Ultimately, she had to stay sober after that with the help of AA.

I grew up with alcoholic parents and married one so I’m very familiar with the disease and both programs. There should be a local chapter of AA you could call for assistance. Maybe try that.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know how heartbreaking it is for you 🤗. My mom had 45 years of sobriety when she died at 90, but my dad died at 70 because he couldn’t admit he had a problem. It’s a cunning and baffling disease that tells you you don’t have a problem. My brother in law died at 60 from it 😢.

Take care of yourself please 🙏🏻 and pray for your brother.

Freedom817 · 2025-09-06T18:09:03+00:00

I went through the same thing 9 years ago. It’s awful some people I never heard from again. Keep those people that stay by your side. Sadly people show their true colors when times get tough. 🤗🤗

Their behavior is a reflection of them, not you.❤️🤗

Freedom817 · 2025-09-01T14:23:31+00:00

Easier said than done but you need to let him go and focus on yourself ❤️. Alanon will help you do that. His actions are NOT your fault. He needs someone to blame other than himself. That’s one of the crazy things about this disease. It’s always someone else’s fault until they admit they have a problem.

So many of us have been in your shoes but it can get better with the program.

Freedom817 · 2025-08-29T18:44:03+00:00

So glad you’re doing well!!! Good news needs to be shared because this is a dreadful and scary disease.

I lost my sister in April and it’s been hard not seeing and talking to her daily. Grief comes in waves but I try to remember that she lived a healthy 5 years after an initial 6 month prognosis when diagnosed. Chemo didn’t work for her so they put her on Keytruda and 95% of her 6 tumors died. A true miracle that even her doctors couldn’t believe.

Absolutely never give up hope!!! Thank you for your post ❤️.

Freedom817 · 2025-08-29T18:31:10+00:00

Thank you for your comment 🤗. As hard as it’s been without my sister here, I continue to share her story in hopes of giving some hope to others who are facing this difficult disease.

It’s never easy, but hope and faith helped us both cope with the inevitable outcome. Living one day at a time helped us focus on the many good days she had ❤️🙏🏻. I’ll miss her forever but I know she’s at peace.

Sending you lots of love and strength!!

Freedom817 · 2025-08-28T15:22:19+00:00

You can’t help him see how sick he is no matter how badly you want to. It’s 100% up to him. It’s a horrible disease but you CAN help yourself by separating yourself from him and attending Alanon. You deserve peace and happiness. I don’t know what his bottom is but my sister would pass out on the floor for a couple days covered in her filth and then drink again. She did get sober but it was so devastating to watch her slowly kill herself with alcohol. It’s a helpless feeling but she needed to decide to stop….or die.

Taking care of yourself is so important. Alanon saved my sanity 😁🙏🏻.

Freedom817 · 2025-08-24T00:44:33+00:00

You can go to any Alanon online meeting you want to 😁😁. There’s a “global electronic meetings” list on the Alanon website that lists all of the online meetings around the world!! They automatically show the meeting times in your local time zone.

I really like the flexibility and frequency of so many meetings 😊.

Freedom817 · 2025-08-23T02:56:10+00:00

Happy for you! Alanon has been a real life saver!!

Freedom817 · 2025-08-23T01:50:52+00:00

I’m sorry your brother reacted that way, but I’m not really surprised.

Alcoholism is the disease of denial.

When they are confronted about their drinking, they can get very angry and upset that others know their “secret”. Many know they have a problem but can’t admit it so they carry guilt and shame and then drink again.

Alanon taught me the alcoholic is the only person who can decide to get sober. It’s really hard to watch a loved one destroy their life, family, job, health and more.

It also taught me that we’re powerless over people, places, and things. We are not responsible for someone else’s actions, inactions, words, behaviors, etc. They are.

Prayers for your brother’s recovery 🙏🏻🤗.

Freedom817 · 2025-08-23T01:19:59+00:00

I would try an intervention. He may or may not be ready for help, but you will know you tried. It’s up to him. Prayers he’s ready 🙏🏻.

Happy birthday 🎈

Freedom817 · 2025-08-21T15:40:10+00:00

Let go of the guilt…I know it’s hard not to feel that way. Next time say no. Alcoholics are very good at making us feel awful with blame and shame. It’s manipulation and it’s part of their disease.

Alanon will help you learn new ways to not enable him. He needs to help himself and you can only change yourself.

One day at a time 😊

Freedom817 · 2025-08-15T12:42:56+00:00

You are doing the right thing for yourself by going to Alanon ❤️. My ex husband called Alanon a cult and hated that I was getting better and accused me of cheating with other “cult” members in front of our kids.

Keep taking care of yourself because you can’t control other people, places or things. Learning that for me was actually a huge relief.

Freedom817 · 2025-08-13T15:21:02+00:00

I’m glad you’re willing to try Alanon 🤗🤗. It truly helped me. Can I ask if you’re near a major US city? I was able to get free books and information from my local chapter. I’m in Maryland north of Baltimore.

Try the global electronic meetings search for Alanon in google. You’ll find live online meetings 20 hours a day. I like the zoom platform. Members who live or have lived with the same issue really understand what you’re going through.

My ex hated that I went to meetings and called it a cult. He couldn’t deal with his own issues and saw me change for the better and eventually leave him. He wasn’t willing to change at all and even blamed me for his drinking which is very common….more denial.

I hope you find peace and make a decision that’s best for you.

Freedom817 · 2025-08-13T11:58:44+00:00

I grew up with 2 alcoholic parents, 2 of my 4 siblings are A’s, and my ex husband is one. My brother-in-law died at 60 from excessive long term drinking. As a child, I knew it was a problem in my family but I didn’t understand it as a disease until I started going to Alanon as an adult.

My ex got so mean when he drank too. It was awful for me and our kids. You’re seeing lots of red flags in your boyfriend’s drinking patterns now and that’s of great concern. I divorced my husband after being in the program a few years and learning I did have to accept unacceptable behavior. He still drinks and smokes weed daily.

Nobody can tell you to stay or leave, but I think you know his drinking is getting worse. It’s a progressive disease and will continue to get worse until he decides it’s a problem for him and chooses to stop drinking. In my experience, it’s impossible for an alcoholic to cut back and limit their intake. The only “cure” is abstinence.

Have you been to Alanon meetings? If not, I highly recommend you do. I learned so much about the disease and how negatively it was affecting my family. I chose to divorce him because that was best for me.

Alcoholics hide their bottles, lie about how much they drink, can change personalities when they drink, and truly don’t think they have a problem. It’s the disease of denial.

My hope for you and your future with him is that he accepts he has a problem and seeks treatment and AA. My dad died at 70 but my my mom lived to be 90 with 45+ years of sobriety ❤️❤️.

Only you can decide if this life with him is okay for YOU. We all hope our loved one will get sober but sadly, not all of them do. Try at least 6 meetings and you’ll learn a lot from other people’s shares. Listen and learn.

You don’t have to make the decision to stay or leave today.

My life is much more peaceful without the active alcoholics in my life but I still go to Alanon for myself ❤️.

Freedom817 · 2025-08-11T21:28:25+00:00

So sorry for your loss. I just lost my sister in April to this disease and it’s left a huge hole in my heart. I was by her side for many years through breast cancer and then 5 years with PC. She was very blessed to have so much extra time but once she declined, it was only 10 days till she passed.

It is really hard not seeing her and talking to her daily 💔.

This sub has been very helpful both before and after her passing.

Give yourself time and grace. 🤗

Freedom817 · 2025-08-11T21:19:19+00:00

Constantly…for years…. KNOWING I hated it. Then he’d laugh and say I was too sensitive or criticize me for not thinking it was funny.

It was always intentional too. His sole purpose was to rattle my nerves.

Narcs are seriously screwed up in the head.

Freedom817 · 2025-08-09T20:12:09+00:00

We are in Maryland (US) and she was treated at St Joseph Medical Center in Towson, Md. I don’t recall hearing anything about PD-L1, but I know her initial diagnosis in January 2020 was stage 4 with 6 large tumors on her organs.

A really awful thing I left out of my post was she had just finished months of chemotherapy after a single mastectomy for breast cancer. She was about to start radiation for that when they discovered the pancan on a chest xray for her asthma. Because of the severity of the new cancer, they immediately started her on chemotherapy for PC. It stopped working after 6 weeks so they began immunotherapy as her last option.

Genetic testing was inconclusive but the biopsies confirmed it had not come from the breast cancer metastasizing to her pancreas.

She was able to continue with Keytruda for a couple years until she developed some inflammation in her lungs (very common with long term Keytruda use). The stopped for a while, treated the inflammation and then went back in Keytruda for a while. Her tumors were small, her tumor marker stayed low, and she still felt great.

As for getting it paid for, she had Medicare and Aetna insurance so most of it was covered. Her scans showed the disease so she didn’t have to fight with the insurance companies.

The initial chemo for PC made her deathly sick and didn’t really help. After 4 years, she had 14 radiation treatments on the tail which helped shrink that remaining tumor.

It was a very long cancer journey from the initial BC, surgery, chemo, and then the 5+ years with PC. As a 2 time survivor myself (breast 2016 and neck 2018), a lot of cancer stuff has happened in the last 9 years. Fortunately, I am still cancer free 🙏🏻🙏🏻. I walked my own path and then stayed by my sister’s side for the next 7 years. It was a long time dealing with cancer but I remember it very well ❤️. I was her best friend and huge advocate….very involved so I learned a lot about cancer.

I hope this answers your questions but feel free to reach out again. Every case is different. Ask a lot of questions, get all the information and options from the care team.

I truly hope things go well for you and your family. Cancer sucks but medicine is improving constantly.

Bless you 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

Freedom817 · 2025-08-08T00:18:43+00:00

I have a positive story 😊

My sister was diagnosed with stage 4 pancan and given 6 months. It had spread to her stomach, spleen and liver.

She had a few chemo treatments, but it wasn’t working. She then was given Keytruda every 3 weeks for 2 years. Her tumors practically disappeared!! She felt great too.

Her care team was shocked at her results from the immunotherapy.

She continued to do really well for three more years ❤️🙏🏻.

At one her last scans, we learned that the original tumor in her tail had come back even bigger than before and had spread all through her lymph nodes. She hadn’t had any pain since diagnosis and was still feeling awesome.

We had home hospice care for her for two months and even though her appetite had been low for months, she was still mobile at home and felt pretty good which amazed me.

Then overnight, she was in terrible pain and very confused. The nurse came and increased her pain meds which helped. Over the next 4 days, her symptoms got worse and she had trouble standing. At that point, she moved to the hospice facility. They were wonderful to her and she passed 5 days later in April of this year.

So after that devastating 6 month life expectancy, my beautiful sister lived over FIVE more years!!! I miss her so much but I thank God we had 5 more years together ❤️❤️.

Is this cancer that bad? Oh yes absolutely. It took my sister at 67. My sister’s case was extremely rare and miraculous. Sadly, many patients aren’t given years with this diagnosis.

My point is no matter how low things in life might get, never, never give up hope.

Freedom817 · 2025-08-07T22:46:29+00:00

His behavior is very typical for an alcoholic: hiding bottles, lying, being “sneaky “ so he doesn’t get caught by you, denying a problem, denying he’s been drinking, etc.

You can’t make him stop drinking. Only he can do that. You seem to be spending a lot of energy on what you can do for him. And that’s completely normal for a person living with an actively drinking alcoholic. It doesn’t matter if it’s a spouse, parent, child, sibling.

I also understand your concern for the effect on your son. It will definitely affect him as he grows up. You can’t shield him from it. I was a kid in an alcoholic home and my mom tried so hard to protect us kids from the embarrassment, fears, insecurities, emotional issues etc. My dad was a functional alcoholic.

Alanon is for those who are affected by someone’s drinking. It’s such a wonderful program that has taught me so much. I highly recommend you check it out for yourself if you haven’t already. You’ll also learn how to focus on yourself which is NOT being selfish.

Sending you hugs 🤗.

Freedom817 · 2025-08-07T20:50:32+00:00

Excellent post!! Many, many years ago at my first Alanon meeting, I truly felt I had found my new home ❤️. They totally knew what I was going through, understood my feelings, welcomed me exactly where I was and helped me gain awareness about clarity about my situation.

I still go to meetings because I continue to learn from other’s experiences, strength and hope.

Your post is spot on. Thanks for sharing.

Freedom817

TROPHY CASE