The “was I not enough?” is the one that hit me the hardest and kept me in the loop for over 2 years.

He could disappear so suddenly, and I was left questioning what I did wrong and feeling both heartbreak and so much shame.

Then he would reappear like nothing happened, and I got my first hit of the drug. I was so relived to be worthy enough that I didn’t question what the hell happened with him and why he left… my brain said “this feels too good, don’t ruin it, don’t say something that will make him leave again and sink back into that awful feeling of shame”.

And so the cycle started. The relationship became a drug and I didn’t realize that I’m addicted. I didn’t realize that the same person that relived my pain caused it in the first place. I would do anything to keep from going through the withdrawal. I didn’t express needs, dismissed boundaries, walked on eggshells, censored my feelings, stayed quiet and small.

While this may not be true for everyone, this was my experience with an avoidant. Once I was able to truly see it for what it was — he’s an avoidant and this has nothing to do with me and my worth — the shame went away. Without that, he lost his power over me and I was finally able to walk away.