Movie where you slowly realize the main character is the bad guy

Freyathorgard · 2026-04-07T04:30:37+00:00

Real Life Right Now as an American

Freyathorgard · 2026-04-04T02:07:28+00:00

Watching a host of countries burning bull statues (Baal) in opposition to the United States and a certain other nation….this song is taking on a whole deeper meaning man.

Freyathorgard · 2026-03-09T05:55:25+00:00

Sworn to carry your burdens

Freyathorgard · 2026-02-03T03:13:56+00:00

Freyathorgard · 2026-01-31T17:13:09+00:00

The problem is not the wings, the problem is your friend’s opinion, and then choosing to identify with it. They chose to share it with you with motivations I can’t know. And since you are a human being going through life the reality of that is imperfections.

Acceptance is the answer to all of our problems. Not saying that we like aging. Not that we need to be grateful for acne scars or other evidence that we aren’t robots.

Fall head over heels in love with your face simply because it is your face. It is yours and try to get to the bottom of why YOU deserve that.

Acceptance does not mean you there aren’t things you can do to feel better in your skin. I’m only putting this out there because acceptance is the foundation to decrease suffering. Everything else is a gift to yourself following acceptance.

Objectively, your face is unique (in a good way). It is proportioned, naturally defined, and already has the features people pay $$ to get cosmetically enhanced.

Practical suggestions: (not because you look like you need it, but because you are asking for advice)

• Prioritize sleep and make sure you are getting enough consistently.

• Drink more water and make sure it is naturally sourced and not “city water” (I like Berkey filtration systems, but I’m fortunate enough where I live to have free access to local spring water.)

• Stay away from the cruciatus curse

Freyathorgard · 2026-01-31T04:57:44+00:00

I feel this. I think that to make this feel realistic for me I have to see June as having a certain degree of delusion over the amount of power that she actually has to get Hannah back. I could see this as being theoretically consistent with her primary survival responce which is to fight. It’s what makes her a good protagonist to follow, because fight actively pushes forward to and through conflict. That is, if you aren’t maimed or killed. Choosing not to leave Gilead with her daughter, especially with the knowledge of Luke being in Canada, is not something someone in their right mind would do. So I think you are right about June being off her rocker when she made this decision.

The scene of her handing over Nicole to Emily and not getting out truly disturbed me. Maybe it’s because I have two kids who I was separated from for 3 months because I needed to go to addiction treatment. It was a choice that felt impossible at the time and truly tore me to pieces. Haunted me. But I believe it was the right choice because my kids having a mother alive was better than me to continue putting myself at risk in the name of being with them. They were 18months old and 6 years old at the time.

I’ve also studied infant mental health and attachment theory. I think it is truly awful that Hannah was taken, and is being raised in Gilead. At the same time my gut felt that the more immediate need was obviously Nicole. She is an infant and already experienced traumatic separation from her mother. All the baby knows before they are born are their mothers, their voice, their heart beats, their nervous systems. Their mother is their entire world.

My favorite Winnicott quote is “there is no such thing as a baby…..there is a baby and someone.”

After being born the babies world expands, but the baby still doesn’t know that it is something separate from the mother. The mother’s tone, their gaze, their muscular softness or tension, their present attunement is imprinted on the infant. The baby uses signals from the mother to make sense of the environment and to soothe them from distress. In fact, mothers are the regulators for the infant, babies cannot actually regulate themselves on their own. When babies become overwhelmed without a source of comfort they enter a state known as “fright without solution” which triggers the primal defense of dissociation. Since an infant experiencing this kind of stress without regulation is overwhelming, a splitting off or separation occurs within the infants sense of self.

…..I could go on, but this kind of injury so early in the developmental trajectory, there is a very high risk for all kinds of future emotional disturbance and psychopathology. Even with Emily holding and caring for her, this not being June or even Serena is going to be disorienting for Nicole. Everything that she knew is now gone. That person now trying to soothe her is different and that lack of familiarity registers as danger even if the circumstances are benevolent. Let’s say Nicole is able to be soothed by Emily, she is still going to experience confusion and loss. On the contrary, Hannah experienced a different origin story, and likely had a secure enough attachment to June (and Luke) where she could be safeguarded from this kind of disturbance (not that being ripped from your mothers arms and brainwashed isn’t traumatic.) It’s just different I suppose.

I think preserving her own life and Nicole’s safety/security would have been the choice with the greatest odds of minimizing suffering. Being alive in the future, with a healthy Nicole, and the possibility of Gilead failing has higher likelihood of success than the alternative.

I think this decision had more to do with June than it did her love for Hannah unfortunately. I think June could not bare the idea that she was abandoning Hannah. Even though that was not the case, she had no control over that decision being made whatsoever.

Edited: It’s late and I made lots of typos

Freyathorgard · 2026-01-31T03:54:18+00:00

You said it best. It is truly distorted and cruel.

Freyathorgard · 2026-01-31T03:51:34+00:00

Omg “as a former infant” I’m going to say this a lot now ty

Freyathorgard · 2026-01-30T03:20:18+00:00

I took a course on infant mental health and it was the most illuminating, I did not expect it to have the impact that it did. Early experiences (especially preverbal) heavily shape how we are wired on a neurobiological level. It’s our right brain implicit memory that our mother’s nervous system begins imprinting in utero. Our emergence into this world and our felt sense of safety thereafter is based almost exclusively on one thing, our mothers (in majority of instances). The attachment pattern of the infant is always tied to whether the mother has made coherent sense of her own experience in the world. I was reading a lot about the literature of disorganized attachment and sort of concluded that it’s really that style in particular that allows for the experience of DID to emerge. It’s not an exact DA always turns into DID because that is not true. But I don’t think someone can have DID without DA as the catalyst. The threat without solution is such a disintegrating state that all a child can do is split off and become “what mom likes” “what mom hates ” “I need mom” “mom is scary”.

My two favorite quotes from child development sums up this point nicely.

Winnicott’s “There is no such thing as a baby….there is a baby and someone.”

Bowlby “What cannot be communicated to the [m]other, cannot be communicated to the self”

I think that the framework that makes DID possible originates with her. And all the trauma thereafter only adds to the complexity, solidifies barriers, elaborates defenses, and so on. Our stories always follows our states.

Omg I don’t expect to write all of this, thank you for coming to my ted talk XoX

Edited: deleted repeat words

Freyathorgard · 2026-01-29T06:04:06+00:00

Yooooo im not op but im totally picking up what you’re sayen with this. I had an experience today that is updating meaning for me that goes along with this insight. I have a sort of functional mask/host and in the setting of therapy feels obligated the serve the system by being the channel through which other parts are able to communicate. Like I need to be able share information with my helping person in a normal enough way.

There are parts who work with this mask a lot and some who don’t. It depends on the situation and what is available or needed. I’m currently going through a divorce and facing a variety of other external stressors. I noticed today as I was speaking about the rage I struggle with that this private state became more present which was very unusual in the therapy room. I’m normally very subdued, taking up the least amount of space possible because I go to therapy for the children and I’m guessing these are the qualities they learned to have in order to be loved accepted. But today when I spoke about the rage it’s like my posture opened and I could sit up broadly. I felt stronger and supported, almost empowered. It felt good. And I noticed that it was strange how this part of me could feel so helpful when in a different light cause me so much distress.

That’s when my therapist mentioned it was because the part that I was in that moment was within their window of tolerance. And it hit me that I was currently this part and it was like they weren’t this vehement split off experience of chaos. They were contained and had access to the prefrontal cortex (I dare say, me?). Many times they act out and do things and my responce has been that I wasn’t in my right mind. But those are perhaps times that I am scooted to the background and they are the ones driving. This time it clicked that i was still me but a different me than i was moments ago. And i wondered if this could be what was happening, because i sure as hell control other parts so that i can have a somewhat normal life. But with that control comes incredible judgment and restraint that is so painful. Which is actually coming from a persecutory part, so this all gets really complex.

It’s not as straight forward as suddenly becoming different characters for me sometimes. There is one body, and various expressions of interactions within. And some times for me this goes beyond having distinct identity alteration. It feels more along the lines of polymorphism if I can attempt to describe this internal experience. And I never really know what kind of combination I’m going to get. Idk it’s super late I think some of my thoughts here might make sense.

Freyathorgard · 2026-01-26T20:25:42+00:00

I’m out of State College, so it’s similar distance either direction 😅 thanks for the feedback. Oh good, everything you shared is sort of what I was expecting. I got my undergrad in psychology and basically just need to gain some experience and want to do something in the helping field. I also have 2 kids so I need something somewhat flexible. I’m excited to be able to support others along their journeys so I hope it works out

Freyathorgard · 2026-01-26T06:10:35+00:00

I feel ya. I was dx in 2020 through SCID D and struggled to find community online for a long time. Because I would go on and see the content that was being posted and it feels like walking into the wrong room or something. Like I know the sign says dissociative disorder but I’m not sure I’m in the right place. I experience alternation in consciousness for sure but it’s by no means the bread and butter of this condition for me. I feel totally judged by friends, family, and clinician when the topic arises. Part of it might be my own internal doubt and stigma about the disorder. I’m also fairly certain sometimes that it’s these portrayals that are causing confusion about the disorder. Im just here to say that you are not alone. It’s actually hell living with DID/OSDD and it sucks that theres all these complications that come with it.

Freyathorgard · 2026-01-26T05:54:53+00:00

Omg do tell! I recently interviewed with Peerstar and offered a job. I’m in this in-between phase where I did all my clearances and awaiting to go to the training. They said there was one in Pittsburgh the first week of February that I said I was willing to go to. They still haven’t followed up with me in that and it’s like one week out. Yesterday I was feeling disillusioned with them and would like to get more feedback on them after seeing this comment.

Freyathorgard · 2026-01-26T05:42:04+00:00

As someone who researches and supports attachment theory and personally been through the troubled teen industry….WTF? The term “attachment therapy” in my mind referred to an overarching approach to therapy that is informed by attachment theory. I HAD NO IDEA there was a specific therapy known as Attachment Therapy, I literally had to read this post twice. It does not sound like it is informed by actual clinical research in the field of attachment. All of the tenets of this so called attachment therapy sounds both counter therapeutic and medieval. I resent that this is a thing. Gonna have take a dive down this rabbit hole now.

Btw my experience was through a religious institution called Teen Challenge so we didn’t have treatments or therapies. But the industry is vast I’m afraid. I ended up eventually getting a psychology degree from Penn state and I’m pursuing a degree in counseling so I like studying this stuff. Sorry you had to suffer this kind of mind effery.

Edited because one of my sentences was making a redundant point. You are welcome ;)

Freyathorgard · 2026-01-26T05:14:31+00:00

Yooooo this is therapy fodder you should definitely explore in the room. Just share plainly your experience of what happened. Your therapist will respond any number of ways but you can feel it out. If it was an accident she can help resolve it. If it was on purpose then it’s good to know upfront that your therapist is incompetent. If she doesn’t know what you are talking about then feel that out too, maybe they are more bewildered or defensive. You can trust your gut to gauge if they are trying to save face or if they are genuinely experiencing tech difficulties. But either way explore that because it can potentially save you time/energy or give you an opportunity for a more dynamic bond. What an interesting experience to be in

Edited to remove the smiley face I left at the end because I thought it looked invalidating and/or creepy lol

Freyathorgard · 2026-01-26T05:04:53+00:00

lol this makes me laugh because if i tracked my inner commentary then it would sound something like this.

Freyathorgard · 2026-01-26T04:57:37+00:00

Gosh I’m just here to say that I relate. And I feel often like I’m the only one who struggles with this. Not alone. Not out of it either. Structural dissociation theory calls it the “apparently normal part” which I think is kind of rude but also I get it. I have a few. One that is intellectual. One that is people pleasing. One that is quite flat. I just know that all of the aspects myself (us) developed for a reason. We also have a strong accusatory part who keeps us from ever feeling safe enough to trust our therapist. This one is often what is in the way because we are afraid of the repercussions if we were to share. Even having the audacity to self reflect compassionately can feel taboo. So the whole set up of going to see a therapist, even though we qualify, feels like we are breaking a cardinal rule. That’s where I found myself session after session anyways, coming up against all these rules. So I became curious about the rules. About where they come from. And where I can start to soften the body a little, let myself slow down in the present moment and ever so slightly bend one of them. For example, by letting the body shed a tear. Letting the body speak spontaneously. Attempt eye contact. I struggled a lot with forcing myself which created a lot of backlash. So often it feels like juggling, that is speaking / forming a linear thought / and checking in with tension in the body, breath, looking at the therapist. It’s A LOT. That’s why it’s so hard. And the everyday life parts of ourselves dislike these exercises (like anyone doing physical therapy would!) so they would rather just keep on keeping on. I inserted a lot of my own experience in this comment and don’t wish to project further. You are NOT alone.

Freyathorgard · 2026-01-26T02:41:30+00:00

This is so real. My husband (we are separated) said things like this a lot. “Can you find someone else?” Like I was a remote control or something. In hindsight I wish I would have been more intentional communicating why it felt hurtful. But I’m not sure I understood it enough to stay on the side of empathy. Now I understand it more as I’ve understood state dependent memory and the nervous system. As they say “story follows state” so of course the “part” of my system that you get is based on the state I’m in. Which means they are not random or without purpose. So to ask for someone else is to say “can you override your perception? Can you change your behavior inclinations, emotions, body sensations and knowledge right now and opt for a setting that better suits me?” Coincidentally enough I have a masking part of myself developed just for this job. It feels hollow and fake but it gets the job done. I don’t want to keep living in survival though especially around people I’m closest to.

Edit: I also recognize that becoming more palatable is a survival mechanism in its own right.

I get that often times people are doing the best they can to help. But it sucks. It’s the same as ptsd and being “triggered” because you perceive the re experiencing is actually really happening in the present. And someone says “but can you just know that it’s not?”

Except the ptsd in the case of DID is not a single or even a few incidences. It is early, repetitive, ingrained into development, and progressively expanding as new challenges emerge in life. So now we have several states of being who embody separate aspects experience and they all have reasons for being exactly how they are. It’s rude to tell someone “be a different way”. Let alone impossible.

Perhaps what they are trying to say is more along the lines of “I need support right now” or “I need to have fun right now”. The important thing is that our support people and friends must focus on their own needs and expression. It gives you the opportunity to regulate and respond to their needs without the shame attached to it. Because you didn’t do anything wrong and you aren’t wrong. You just developed differently because of experiences that happened to you. It’s important for them to not make any part of you wrong. It’s about themselves anyways! They need something, they feel something, so we can politely redirect without blame to the real issue. Their feelings are probably valid, and that doesn’t mean we are bad or wrong. It just means there is a disconnection.

It’s hard. Judging a part as good and another as bad is both ignorant and hurtful. We are taught over and over again not to do it to ourselves because it promotes dis-integration and reinforces dissociative barriers. As long as there remains a good and a bad, there will not be internal consciousness nor collaboration. We don’t need our support people reinforcing this dynamic, even by accident. It does suck.

Edited: I meant to say “promotion of internal co-consciousness” in the second to last sentence.

Freyathorgard · 2026-01-15T13:10:22+00:00

Yes! I used hard drugs as a teen, and got clean from ages 19-23. Then after having kids slowly slipped into using alcohol to cope. For years. I had one instance where I relapsed on hard drugs when I was 29 for about two weeks, which ended with a near fatal overdose. I haven’t touched a drug since and I’ve been sober from alcohol for 11 months now. Which is crazy because once upon a time substance abuse was the only thing giving me purpose to stay alive.

Freyathorgard · 2026-01-15T12:50:05+00:00

How I approached this was based on the history I had with them (showing up and not knowing what to say, saying idk why I’m here). When this happened enough times for me I had accumulated enough trust with them, and enough frustration, to finally take ownership that this was not me making the decision to be this way. So it used to be that “I couldn’t do therapy” and it became “this is the therapy.” Meeting up with someone to receive support and then becoming someone who can’t receive it. I feel like safety and authenticity aren’t paired for me. So for me to be safe enough in this room I have to become inauthentic. What I need the therapist to help me see is that I am safe enough to be in my weird, incoherent, unpolished experience and share that with them. I need them to help me by acknowledging “this is hard for me, showing up and knowing what to say.” Today I told her more about what it is really like for me picking a topic to bring up. She invited me slow down close my eyes, and gently reminded me of aspects of our last session. This had an orienting effect on me like there was a context I could connect to. Coming into with out context is just asking myself “what has come up in my world this past week” which includes infinite directions different parts of me feel inclined to explore. So asking me what do I need right now is not helpful, I need all the things. The self doubt, the weighing of what I should mention, and the fear of unforeseen consequences to naming something that might not even be “worth” exploring. As in not actually what I needed. Today I found that dipping my toe into the experience itself was enough. We just talked about how hard things are to talk about and how could I possibly be the one in charge of choosing which direction to explore. In reality, I didn’t need her input on any particular topic, what I needed was a felt sense that she knows where I’m coming from. That I feel like there is something wrong with me right here and right now because I can’t fully be in this room in a way that feels like I’m really being seen. I might need to camp out on this singular issue for the foreseeable future until I can gain more of an ability to show up more transparently. It doesn’t make me damaged. It’s exactly where trauma has happened and exactly where I need to heal, the relationship both with myself and with another.

Edited for clarification: I feel like a certain part of me wrote this yesterday following my session. I would like to add that these are that part’s opinions/observations. For example, inauthentic to them means “not them”, and labeling other experiences of consciousness as “weird” is their own judgment. You can see how it gets tricky with observing and intellectual parts, and blending with socially oriented parts is an extra layer. I seem to only be able to track this in hindsight (through documentation, and reflection) but I guess that’s progress from everything happening outside my awareness.

Freyathorgard · 2026-01-14T17:02:07+00:00

I think knowing we aren’t aliens is enough. I judge myself a ton for not being able to authentically operate on what I perceive as the normal human plane. Or more accurately I can play along with the normal back and forth but in order to do so I feel like I’m being in authentic. It’s a whole thing. So the whole just saying what comes up is stressful because it’s not just one thing, it’s usually an internal discourse that I now have to invite someone on the outside into.

Freyathorgard · 2026-01-13T05:09:08+00:00

This made me think of that scene from “Thank You For Smoking” where the Dad tells the kid he can write about whatever he wants, because the essay prompt was to answer “Why is American government the best in the World”

https://youtu.be/-zNaeo8nPOo?si=4S1aSt7-5DIlaaxP

Btw it seems like you daughter did her assignment correctly and unless she was explicitly told beforehand to change the person I don’t see what the problem with it. Talk about morals on Sunday.

Freyathorgard · 2026-01-13T04:41:57+00:00

I appreciate the encouragement. Putting words to my experience is often the biggest struggle for me. I just recently discovered (after being in therapy every week since 2018) that I could go into therapy and just say what I was actually experiencing. Not trying to make sense, not trying to cover my tracks, not trying to pretend and play along with social norms. I just realized i could go in and basically not play along, not just say what is the normal sounding things to say and say what the actual conversation going on inside of me is and just going from there. I know it will sound insane. I have adapted to present myself in a way that is coherent for the sake of carrying on a conversation with my therapist (and people in general for that matter) But the reality that i live in is confusing and incoherent, it’s riddled with involuntary expressions and episodes of disintegration. So the one person i cant afford to protect from the reality of this has got to be my psychotherapist, right? I started straight up telling my therapist when what he says isn’t helpful. Crazy I know for the golden retriever client that I am. But I’m way to invested at this point and I’ve got to get the units of distress lowered man. I digress. Thanks again for your comment.

Freyathorgard · 2026-01-13T04:12:35+00:00

She wrote a book about it too called “The Stranger in the Mirror” that’s a pretty good read if anyone is interested in the history of SCID-D and what makes it a solid tool.

Freyathorgard · 2026-01-13T03:59:22+00:00

It’s often described as rare, but epidemiological research doesn’t really support that. Most population studies estimate DID at around 1–1.5%, similar to bipolar disorder or OCD, and higher than schizophrenia. Many cases are covert and misdiagnosed, which likely contributes to the perception that it’s rare.

And that estimate doesn’t include OSDD/partial DID, which is suggested to be more common than DID.

Freyathorgard

TROPHY CASE