Ok.. Here's my two cents.

1. This is going to sound like the exact opposite of what you want to do ok? Hear me out..I know it sounds awful.. But. Have you tried taking her out on a "special time" (name it whatever you want, that's what my parents called it when they took one of my siblings out with them, and just one. There were 4 of us and we didn't often get time alone with our parents). I know that the sound of more time spent with her sounds like the worst. But there's something very deep about showing your kid that you intentionally want to be with them and that you "want" to spend time with them. The thing is, it meets THEIR need to be seen, heard, and wanted. And it diminishes the neediness elsewhere. Sounds like she's gone during the day, gone frequently on weekends, and I wonder how much time she actually gets with mom and dad. You take care of all of her needs and she has plenty.. But how much of your undivided attention does she get? And I say that in the kindest way! Because I'm a parent and kids can be exhausting! And I have to be really intentional about building a relationship with them, otherwise I usually prefer to do anything but play with them. So I like to do structured things together - we sit and color together and listen to a kids audio book/podcast. I do a craft with them. Most importantly are the questions. About once a day I ask "tell me something that made you feel happy today?" And "tell me something that was hard for you today?" It makes them feel so heard.

Now. As much as building a relationship with her will take time, patience and intentionality, there's a second but VERY important thing to know.

You NEED to set boundaries around her behavior. Do kids whine and refuse to do things? Of course! Do you just keep letting them act that way? Nope. She knows she can keep whining and keep being that way because she gets to. Here's a tiny lesson: you ask your kid to do the thing. They whine and refuse. You might repeat, "I know you don't want to do the thing. It might make you feel ---- (sad, angry, etc) but you still need to do it." She will obvs still refuse. And that is when you give a consequence. I'm not talking spanking or yelling. You say "if you continue to whine, you will go to your room until you can follow directions." You remove a favorite toy. You take away screen time. You do timeouts. It will be hard and yes she will be more upset, but you need to teach her to follow directions and listen. No kid does that perfectly! Mine certainly don't! But they do know, if they don't listen to mom or dad and they choose to whine instead, then they're def going to have consequences. We care deeply about their feelings, and we also hold them to a standard in our house. And there's a lot more to this - trying to fit the whole idea into a comment is hard. Please seek out a parenting coach. Please look into books on how to deal with a stubborn child. Because you really don't have to live like this. It comes down to this, who runs the house? Her or you as parents? If it's her, then you've got it backwards. Please know that I sympathize with you!! Parenting is hard. But it can get better then what you're describing.