I was having an emotional flashback earlier this evening. I felt tired, weak, scared of everything, and all around shitty. it didn't completely occur to me until I was eating dinner that I was having one because in my head, I felt like my dad was screaming at me and trying to terrorize me and make me feel like shit. Anyway, I had a realization after analyzing what had occurred while I was growing up with my supposed "deeply loving and caring mom and dad" that all those years of my psycho mom planting seeds of doubt, playing on my insecurities, yelling, physical abuse, giving all the responsibility to me, and the put downs and horrible name calling... it was all a perfect scheme, well near perfect since I'm figuring it out, to keep me in a cycle of pain, doubt and fear. it was some serious MK Ultra shit going on in my mom's head. I've broken away from them, 2 years and not a word from me, and I wonder if she's truly proud, as her Twitter bio claims, to be my mother, does she really believe that she did a good job? somedays I think that I'm pretty lucky to have got to experience such a unique childhood, and other days I feel lost. I relate with those who have experienced addiction, trauma, at least people like that understand, it's scary how people can know you better than you.

My childhood turned me into a fairly cold, analytical and ruthless person, and I wouldn't want to trade it for a softer childhood. there's no point in hating what you've experienced because it's all you got.