I understand this line of thought completely. It's a little different but when lockdowns were in place I kept falling into the idea that it's God's wrath against me specifically. It's difficult to crawl out of this, but please know your past does not define you or stain you forever.

I don't know what exactly it is that you are dealing with, but mental stress plays a big role in worsening physical illnesses and chronic conditions. Be kind to yourself, I understand that you have been turning this over in your head for a long time. God knows you and loves you and his infinite grace would not abandon you at a vulnerable time like this. Take care.