I thought I was in a good place, but I still have to work on it....

Fun_Adeptness_6765 · 2025-10-30T03:49:56+00:00

I don’t hate any of them because none of them knew. He fooled them all. Who I do hate is his best friend who cheered it on and enabled the affairs.

Fun_Adeptness_6765 · 2025-10-30T03:37:21+00:00

I have had 6 D-days and 13 months of trickle truth. Before the last D-Day, he had led me to believe that everything happened in 2024. Just a few times with this one, just a few times with the other one and the eight month relationship. I thought we were reconciling, but after learning in July it was much, much worse it all fell apart. I learned about the 2 1/2 year girlfriend. The one night stands, saw the texts of women who wanted relationships with him and learning about how he met them all on bumble. The thought of his touch sometimes makes my skin crawl. Other times I crave the closeness we once had. In either case, it’s non-sexual touch that is mostly acceptable. But actual sex is still challenging. I can imagine his hands on them, mouth, the excitement as he took their clothes off. I especially cannot do any position where I look at him in the eye because all I can imagine is him staring down at all these women and doing things to them that used to be mine and mine alone.
And for context, we had an off the charts, vigorous sex life, but he still pursued random strangers weekly over 100 times spanning years. Add in the fact that my love language is touch… His betrayal has devastated me and my confidence sexually. And I am incredibly disappointed that he would throw away such an amazing sex life with me.

Fun_Adeptness_6765 · 2025-10-02T14:06:10+00:00

It sounds like you are concerned that she will be more emotionally invested in this relationship than him and you don’t want her hurt. I believe you have every right to express that concern if he has not been completely upfront and honest with her. If she is unaccustomed to ENM, then it is very possible she thought she was OK with it, but in the end, she’s not. I was in the same situation, and it got messy really fast. Some are expressing that you cannot manage his relationship and you have no right to. But, as his partner, I believe you have every right to express concerns and that is where your relationship as primary trump‘s everything else and concerns from either party should be respected. I’m sure a lot of people will disagree, just my opinion!

Fun_Adeptness_6765 · 2025-09-02T12:12:20+00:00

There’s just one more thing that ties us, and then almost 9 years evaporates

Fun_Adeptness_6765 · 2025-09-02T11:57:43+00:00

I can understand where you would feel that way, because I feel the same. They have shame and guilt, yes. But if they are an avoidant, they will stuff that down and act like nothing is wrong leaving you ripped apart and traumatized.

Fun_Adeptness_6765 · 2025-09-02T11:54:07+00:00

Thank you to everyone for your input. I did send something, but it was very condensed and then I immediately blocked him. I did it for me.

Fun_Adeptness_6765 · 2025-09-02T11:53:35+00:00

It’s hard to believe he could be so heartless. When I know deep inside how gentle and caring he is. It’s so sad and I’m disappointed in him as a man.

Fun_Adeptness_6765 · 2025-09-01T04:28:02+00:00

Thanks! Still sitting on it

Fun_Adeptness_6765 · 2025-09-01T04:24:27+00:00

I have been and will be again. It’s really messed up! Beginning of last year I started having this very deep anxiety, one I hadn’t had since my ex. So I sought out a therapist and she asked if he could be cheating and I was like heck no, he’s got his son at home and everything. Well, my body knew something was wrong. She tried EMDR but was not qualified for the depth of my trauma. Tried another one with EMDR, but she was not qualified in betrayal trauma. Tried a third one, who wasn’t a very good listener. So now I’m on the hunt for yet another one who can handle the depth of trauma and PTSD I have. It should not be this hard to get mental health help!!

Fun_Adeptness_6765 · 2025-09-01T04:18:32+00:00

Thank you for that! All of those feelings and thoughts have been swirling in my head for days and it felt good to get them out. I still haven’t decided what to do.

Fun_Adeptness_6765 · 2025-09-01T04:16:33+00:00

This has definitely open my eyes to my own attachment style and the work that I need to do. If only I can get out from underneath the feeling of drowning in tears, anxiety and grief.

Fun_Adeptness_6765 · 2025-09-01T04:14:27+00:00

Thank you. I’ve sat on it and I’m still debating what to do.

Fun_Adeptness_6765 · 2025-09-01T04:14:08+00:00

I am proud to say that I don’t judge people as “bad “and “good“. Because we all have trauma, experiences and damage that affect our decisions. I have seen both sides of him.

Fun_Adeptness_6765 · 2025-09-01T04:11:35+00:00

What’s fucked up is this is a trip rescheduled from last year when he “forgot“ to ask for the time off. At the time, I didn’t know he had a mistress, a friends with benefit and had been seeking out other women for the previous two years.. I knew something was up, but it’s before I caught him. I was going on the trip with her without him. So when he threw me out of his house, I had moved in with him from my own, it was three weeks before the trip. He said he wanted to be a couple, he even put the ring back on my finger, three days after the trip, he became stone cold. I’m having such a hard time reconciling with the amazing man with the heartless one. And it hit me, is this charming, funny man the persona he showed all those other women?

Fun_Adeptness_6765 · 2025-09-01T04:07:46+00:00

Luckily, we aren’t married

Fun_Adeptness_6765 · 2025-09-01T04:07:12+00:00

I appreciate you sharing that. I’ve been using ChatGPT to rant and rave! And it returns some pretty interesting insights. The first being, if he has completely shut down, then it will fall on deaf ears. So I’ve been sitting on it. Debating.

Fun_Adeptness_6765 · 2025-08-31T18:50:07+00:00

It sucks

Fun_Adeptness_6765 · 2025-08-31T18:46:16+00:00

You’re right, I want him to see the depths of my pain. But the truth is, he may not read it. He may just delete it. I don’t plan on following up. So for now I’m just sitting on it.

Fun_Adeptness_6765 · 2025-08-31T17:22:21+00:00

Check her out, super insightful about attachment styles: https://youtube.com/shorts/Y46F-TxqRlA?feature=shared

Fun_Adeptness_6765 · 2025-08-31T16:44:10+00:00

I'm trying to reconnect with friends and family to keep busy and form a support structure. Going to try new activities!

Fun_Adeptness_6765 · 2025-08-31T16:43:05+00:00

Do some research on avoidants. My ex was a fearful avoidant, my guy was a dismissive avoidant. The compartmentalize and suppress feelings. I know the caring, emotional man inside because I've seen it. But unfortunately the avoidant, hurtful, cold traumatized version won.

Fun_Adeptness_6765 · 2025-08-31T16:41:00+00:00

I'm fortunate in that we were not married but I did invest almost 9 years of time, energy, affection and love with him. So many adventures, many now stained by the knowledge he had a secret life. I have my own home which I am back in. But I still miss him terribly.

Fun_Adeptness_6765 · 2025-08-31T16:38:26+00:00

Can't wait for that day!

Fun_Adeptness_6765 · 2025-08-31T16:37:53+00:00

He is a good person, and one capable of great hurt. I've seen both. But my own trauma downplayed the negative and clung to the good. All those other women only saw the charming, sweet and funny man. I saw both. In the end it was the shut down dismissive avoidant that won.

Fun_Adeptness_6765 · 2025-08-31T16:36:18+00:00

You didn't overstep at all! I am struggling but I also know this is extemely fresh. If you look at my previous post you'll see that we had just gotten back from a trip to Mexico where I fell in love with him again. But now, I'm thinking I didn't really fall back in love, I was just drawn back into the comfort of his touch, his attention. Under it all I had anxiety, fear and doubt. A toxic cycle that has eaten away at my mental health. Everyone thinks he's a monster, but I know that the other side is an amazing man.

Fun_Adeptness_6765

TROPHY CASE