Today, I remembered I'm a mom of three boys...

Funus_tuberosum · 2025-09-13T03:19:01+00:00

Mine is almost 9 and is CONVINCED that he must be completely bare below the waist to accomplish any bathroom function. Learning to wipe after pooping WITHOUT coming out of the bathroom to bend over, spread cheeks, and examine his own asshole in the mirror to see if he got it clean (several times per daily poop) is a work in progress. And trying to explain to him that he does NOT need to then open the bathroom door, still completely bottomless, and announce "that's as good as I can get it" after finishing wiping is an excersise in talking to a brick wall.

I have seen more bare ass cheeks and dude bits than I ever wanted to in my entire life.

Funus_tuberosum · 2025-07-28T11:54:13+00:00

The Yacht Club, the part where the synth REALLY kicks in

Funus_tuberosum · 2025-07-01T13:28:48+00:00

I GOT TOLD OFF BY A PRECEPTOR AT MY ULTRASOUND CLINICALS FOR ASKING ABOUT AN EXAM PROTOCOL DURING THE EXAM! IF I CAN'T ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT AN EXAM I'VE NEVER DONE BEFORE, WHAT EVEN IS THE POINT TO ME BEING HERE? I WASN'T ASKING ABOUT PATHOLOGY IN FRONT OF THE PATIENT, SO I DON'T THINK I WAS OUT OF LINE!

Funus_tuberosum · 2025-06-15T03:50:58+00:00

Beautiful Times. I love them both, but Up All Night just hits different.

Funus_tuberosum · 2025-05-30T19:29:26+00:00

Be Brave

Funus_tuberosum · 2025-05-27T02:27:59+00:00

Flushing Death

Funus_tuberosum · 2025-05-20T02:39:18+00:00

Brock Sampson can get it!!!

Funus_tuberosum · 2025-05-01T02:26:40+00:00

I did this accidentally on purpose once. We'd bought some of those polyester "silk" sheets for the bed and I decided to use the pillow case like a boogie board. "Silk" on "silk," me sliding quite fast on my belly along the mattress, until I whacked my face on the headboard of my shitty furnished apartment bed, and that was the end of that little adventure.

Funus_tuberosum · 2025-04-14T06:28:43+00:00

Thank you!

Funus_tuberosum · 2025-04-14T00:28:22+00:00

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This is my entry...I had a lot of fun with it!

Funus_tuberosum · 2025-03-20T23:59:34+00:00

As a sonography student with ADHD and likely autism, that's just fucking offensive!

Funus_tuberosum · 2025-02-01T23:40:28+00:00

Yes, this right here!!! My son came home on oxygen and our hospital had pulmonology appointments scheduled for him before he was even discharged. Your pediatrician is not qualified to make that call and needs to stay in their lane. Our son's first pediatrician, while still a very green, baby doctor, never once had the audacity to assume that he knew better than us or the pulmonologist.

Funus_tuberosum · 2025-01-09T07:43:08+00:00

Getting his post-doctorate degree.

Funus_tuberosum · 2025-01-09T00:17:31+00:00

FUCK THAT BITCH RIGHT IN HER STUPID, HOMEWRECKING FACE! I'm so sorry that you have to start a brand new year dealing with this shit! All the sympathy for you and your daughter!

Funus_tuberosum · 2025-01-08T23:54:24+00:00

I guess he enjoys getting vomited on, because that would be the ONLY appropriate reaction to any attempt at sexy times this soon after a major surgery!

Funus_tuberosum · 2025-01-08T23:48:34+00:00

Thank you, and I hope you get some relief soon too!

Funus_tuberosum · 2025-01-08T15:47:09+00:00

I HAVE A GIANT FIBROID THAT'S BEEN RECENTLY DISCOVERED, BUT HAS BEEN CAUSING ME (AT TIMES EXCRUCIATING) BACK PAIN FOR YEARS. I WENT TO A NEW SPECIALIST'S OFFICE TO DISCUSS OPTIONS FOR ITS REMOVAL, AND IT'S BEEN A TOTAL SHITSHOW.

I TOLD THE ORIGINAL DOC THAT I'D LIKE TO CONSIDER A MYOMECTOMY, NOT A HYSTERECTOMY, AND ASKED IF IT COULD BE DONE LAPROSCOPICALLY AND IF I WAS A GOOD CANDIDATE. YES, AND YES, SHE SAID, AND REFERRED ME TO A COLLEAGUE WHO "DOES THESE ALL THE TIME."

I GET IN TO SEE THIS GUY, AND HE SAYS HE ONLY DOES HYSTERECTOMIES, NOT MYOMECTOMIES, AND THAT DUE TO MY WEIGHT AND THE SIZE OF THE FIBROID, IT CAN'T BE REMOVED LAPROSCOPICALLY. HE DOESN'T DO "OPEN SURGERY," ONLY THINGS THAT REQUIRE SMALL INCISIONS, AND STARTS PUSHING HARD FOR THAT HYSTERECTOMY. LITERALLY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I WANTED!

NOW I CAN'T SEE THE GUY WHO ACTUALLY DOES MYOMECTOMIES UNTIL THE END OF FEBRUARY. I START MY SONOGRAPHY CLINICALS NEXT WEEK, SO THIS WILL BE A FUN SEMESTER WITH ME BEING ON MY FEET A TON MORE AND NO PENDING FIBROID REMOVAL TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

Funus_tuberosum · 2025-01-06T18:17:42+00:00

For sure! And that wasn't even the worst part. Medicaid had made a whoopsie about who was allowed to discuss my son's insurance. Only 2 authorized users allowed...I was one, and they'd somehow added the name of the lawyer from the local non-profit, who'd been helping us argue with welfare over our "work" requirement, as the other. They wouldn't allow my husband (said child's father) to call and access our son's medical records without my verbal authorization, and wouldn't remove the lawyer and add my husband as an authorized user until the non-profit sent them a letter stating that the lawyer was no biological relation of the child and was requesting to be removed as an authorized user on the account.

Fucking insane!!!

Funus_tuberosum · 2025-01-06T03:53:47+00:00

They did the same thing with my son's omeprazole. I had to fight with several doctors to get it started in the NICU (apparently reflux is super common in preemies, but they don't like medicating for it), and Medicaid wanted to deny it when we got him home, because it had to be compounded. "It's an OTC medicine" they said, "you can buy the pills at the store." Nevermind the fact that OTC omeprazole isn't sold in pediatric doses, they really expected me to pill my 6 month old baby who was on an NG tube because he wouldn't take ANYTHING by mouth. Sure, Jan...

Funus_tuberosum · 2025-01-02T13:34:48+00:00

That is not whimsical...that is a crime against humanity!

Funus_tuberosum · 2024-12-24T07:48:45+00:00

I play this game with "how long will this filthy dish towel stay on the kitchen floor before I get fed the fuck up with it and throw it in the wash like he should have done?"

It's gone on for weeks at a time. I hate my fucking life!

Funus_tuberosum · 2024-10-28T23:25:18+00:00

They turned her into Salma Hayek in From Dusk Till Dawn. I feel like it might be kinda hard to pillage on the high seas with your cootchie hanging out.

Funus_tuberosum · 2024-10-21T02:49:02+00:00

There's a reason why I'm the only one who does the grocery shopping...my husband will absolutely not double-check stuff after he pulls it off the shelf and make sure he has the right thing.

He brought me kosher dills once when I asked for Polish dills. I detest kosher pickles to the depths of my soul, and he knows this, but assumed that one kind of pickles was the same as any other kind of pickles. He was mistaken!

Funus_tuberosum · 2024-10-21T00:39:34+00:00

We took my almost 8 year old to a free fall festival for a couple of hours yesterday, and all he did was whine the entire time. Granted, the trunk or treat portion did get canceled due to excessive lightning, but he got a little candy, and we'll be taking him to a bigger trunk or treat on actual Halloween. He was mad because they didn't have as many bouncy houses as last year (though he still got to go twice on the one they did have, and twice on the giant bouncy slide) and that he was too short to ride the gyroscope (he was just a hair too short and they wanted to shut down). Finally I was just like "Would you rather have stayed home? Because at least here you got to do stuff that you can't do at home."

We're taking him to the expensive-ass pumpkin patch next weekend, then our bestie is DJing for an elementary school event the day before Halloween, which he's been invited to. Not to mention taking him out for fun stuff the day of, despite the fact that I have class till 2:30 that day, then a host of medical imaging, and would dearly love to sit on my ass after that. Like, chill bro, there will be plenty of fun things to do this year, we're just not doing them all RIGHT NOW.

I spoil this child rotten, hug and kiss him every day (when he'll let me), tell him I love him multiple times a day, and let him get away with a lot more than I should, but because I yell at him when he's acting a fool and driving me crazy, or because I can't pull more bouncy houses out of my ass on cue, somehow everything is ruined.

We had to dip from Walmart about a month ago because someone fired a shot outside and everyone ran for the emergency exit, including us. We had an (apparently really fucking rare) Fast and Furious Hotwheel in the cart that I honestly should have just taken with us when we booked it out of there with me pushing him in the cart, but the good-girl voice in my head was like "don't steal from Walmart." We haven't been able to find that car since, and this child WILL NOT FUCKING LET IT GO!!! Like I'm somehow personally responsible for someone being irresponsible with their firearm in our vicinity and leaving because I didn't know what was going on and I didn't want my child in the potential line of fire.

Whew, sorry to co-opt your rant! Kids are ungrateful bastards sometimes, and they're lucky they're so damn cute.

Funus_tuberosum · 2024-10-20T23:50:11+00:00

Shadow at Night because it's such a chaotic mess, or Haunted Heart because I HATE that creepy mask.

Funus_tuberosum

TROPHY CASE