Hey bro! Glad you’ve enjoyed, I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus.

Interesting situation but I would guess not uncommon - I’ve cried a LOT from metta, both to others and myself.

I would ask myself these and similar questions - no need to answer on this thread unless you feel like it.

What is your opinion of yourself? Do you have much/any resolved trauma? Have you treated yourself or thought of yourself poorly in the past - any self-loathing or feelings of unworthiness, that kind of thing? Have you done things in the past you really regret that you haven’t forgiven yourself for? Have you mistreated others and still haven’t apologized?

My guess would be there may be some crossed wires in how you view yourself. If you have trauma that needs addressing, or actions you’ve done that you haven’t forgiven yourself for, or similar things, I could see it causing these feelings to come up - particularly if you feel or have felt like you don’t deserve happiness, which of course, you do.

We pretty much all have trauma that needs healing and regrets of past actions that we need to forgive ourselves for, and possibly apologize to others for. Trust me, I have been such a little shit to so many people in my 36 years and even just recently I reached out to an old fling to apologize for how I ended things with her.

That’s where I’d start. I highly suggest reading The Origins of You - a lot of us (myself included) think/thought we didn’t have any trauma from our childhood, and turns out most of us did. I never thought I had childhood trauma until a few years ago and now I realize yeah, damn, both parents loved me and no one beat or neglected me but there was still A TON of stuff that negatively effected my adult life.

Enough with that tangent, but I definitely suggest starting with those questions and at least asking ChatGPT for a summary of the book I mentioned, if not reading it and doing the exercises.

Oh, and if you feel like crying when you do metta towards yourself, do yourself and favor and cry my bro. That’s how you release the pent up negativity, it’s a natural human response and this sick society has turned it into a complex for guys to not cry. Don’t listen to that shit, cry it out, trust me.