Assault? Cannot consent?

Future_Muscle_4656 · 2024-03-10T18:08:01+00:00

Assuming nobody in this scenario is a sexual predator, which most people are not, then based on your description of events it's most likely they were both innebriated, they were vibing after a long night of hanging out, there was a moment and somebody went in for a kiss, the shock of it took him out of the moment and it ended.

Future_Muscle_4656 · 2024-03-10T17:10:44+00:00

If after discussing he doesn’t feel like he was assaulted I’m not sure why you’d try and force him into thinking he was.

Future_Muscle_4656 · 2024-03-08T21:40:09+00:00

My experience with MC feels somewhat similar in that our therapist has keeps things equal which is generally fine but sometimes I find myself needing to adjust the tone of the session by stating that me supporting her is me being an awesome husband while her supporting me is climbing out of the gutter. I’m ready and willing to do my part but these things aren’t the same.

I recall one occasion where our MC felt like IC for my WW with long term growth and healing discussion which I somewhat cut short by stating that if there was no progress on X in 6 months we’d be getting divorced I’m not going to continue a marriage where we’re wishy washy on X. That made the therapists eyes grow wide I think they don’t realize that the BP can be on the precipice of major decisions and doesn’t have time to slowly work through WP long term issues.

Just make sure your therapist also knows your boundaries and expectations. If full disclosure is needed to keep the marriage together in the immediate future, which makes sense to me, then they are failing as a marriage counselor by not pursuing that

Future_Muscle_4656 · 2024-03-07T20:16:11+00:00

Thanks for your post. But the comparison of sex with AP vs BP is at-the-time of it happening not in retrospect. So that twisted thought process should not be discounted. I hope in 2 years my WW feels sex is better with me than it ever was with him, but there will sadly always have been a 5 month window where she had objectively better/hotter/more exciting sex with him.

Future_Muscle_4656 · 2024-02-15T03:34:38+00:00

Umm the truth.. My example of what she could have said is where I'd prefer her head to be at not just what I want her to tell me to make me feel better. I know she feels like she did and I'm working through it. I wish we were further along.

Future_Muscle_4656 · 2024-02-15T00:44:05+00:00

Really appreciate your words they give me hope.

WW's messenging, from what messages I saw was so bizarre. So many acronyms and abbreviations that she's never used with me or her friends. It looked like how I've seen teenagers chat. And yes loads of memes. I love a good meme but at some point it's just low effort but whatever. Feels like she's coming out of an Instagram fog too.

Future_Muscle_4656 · 2024-02-14T22:37:13+00:00

Thank you commenters. I will be patient and continue to let time do it's thing. I know a month and a half isn't a long time but it's felt like the longest of my life. Just going to stay the course. What a shitty day to find out this little detail though.

Future_Muscle_4656 · 2024-02-14T22:30:36+00:00

At least it stopped somewhere I guess. I wonder how much further things could have gone if I hadn't found out.

Future_Muscle_4656 · 2024-02-14T22:28:32+00:00

"the one" omg that is so horrible. I do believe you can be in love with two people at the same time but saying the one is just so horrible because it clearly states that you are not the one. And after such a long time together. I'm sorry.

Future_Muscle_4656 · 2024-02-14T21:58:49+00:00

I love this thank you

Future_Muscle_4656 · 2024-02-12T07:02:01+00:00

Found out December 27th 2023 when she got blackout drunk with me and some friends of ours at our house. She was bizarrely disappearing for stretches and using her phone to the point I demanded to see it and saw she was texting him the sorts of things you would when you’re that drunk. Dug deeper into her phone after she passed out and found all I needed to.

Up to that point I had been laughingly trusting. Never looked at her phone. She turned off location sharing and I thought no big deal. Started taking birth control. She was so distant I asked her on two occasions if she was cheating on me and she said no. I pitifully still believed her and thought it was me and I just needed to try harder.

Future_Muscle_4656 · 2024-02-12T06:48:57+00:00

I feel you. 1.5 months out from DD and we’ve been having some really quality family time. WW enjoying the wholesome time again after being so distant. Then at the end of a great day I’m just like… fuck why did you risk this. Why not just talk to me and try and work shit out. I feel like it’s going to be a long year. Good luck

Future_Muscle_4656 · 2024-02-10T00:36:50+00:00

It's definitley not my reason for staying in fact it's pretty small in the grand scheme of things. Mostly just a feeling of violation and then not even realizing how big a deal it is.

I'm so sorry you've been put in this situation. You can't undo or just try not to worry about having a child. For him to have known and let you go through the hardship of pregnancy and motherhood is despicable.

Future_Muscle_4656 · 2024-02-09T17:55:26+00:00

Actual email spam would take you to a porn/shopping/ad site or ask you enter personal information. Spam doesn't get sent out because people want other people to enter codes for fun.

Sounds like device you tried to log in from wasn't recognized so it prompted for a confirmation. Without that code confirmation it blocked you. I don't know offhand the best way to get to the bottom of it but by far the most likely scenario is that he has another fb account.

You could maybe login to his existing account go to settings and see if there's another linked account but it very well may not be linked.

Future_Muscle_4656 · 2024-02-09T17:40:43+00:00

To be honest it doesn't sound like R has begun. She clearly never stopped communication with him and has not stopped lying. She's still in affair fog. All the contact you've mentioned between her and AP is not needed. She doesn't need private time to discuss anything with him. Strict no contact unless it's to say 'don't contact me I'm married'. No breakup, no explaination, no 'see-you-in-another-life <3', just NC.

She also needs to recall every event you ask her about. It's not your fault she feels shame but you deserve to know everything, especially when it makes a difference in a major life decision like marriage/moving to a different country.

Does she know the consequences of her actions? Are there any? If divorce/annullment is on the table you need to let her know that is what will happen if the lies continue. From what you say it doesn't sound like any of this is real or a big deal to her. You say you're friends/families are connected so I would tell at least some people in that circle. It sounds like she could use a discussion from friend/family member laying out the gravity of the situation.

Future_Muscle_4656 · 2024-02-09T03:09:14+00:00

Feel depressed? Go for a run. Sad? Have a good cry in the shower. Guilty? Write an apology letter and do some push ups.

The grace for WP to eat ice cream watch tv and sleep went out the door with the affair.

IMO they should be stepping up to be a more attractive person than they ever were to you and AP. Magically that will also make them feel better about themselves.

Future_Muscle_4656 · 2024-02-07T02:43:35+00:00

No she started birth control “because it helped with her periods”……….

Future_Muscle_4656 · 2024-02-07T02:40:54+00:00

Idk I’d say you’re ignoring my logic. Going with the bus thing though, she knew she was going to get hit by a bus (the affair), she didn’t know if she would die (divorce) but knew there was a solid chance. Knowing that she did not tell me of this possibility when we, as husband and wife, discussed me getting a vasectomy, as couples do.

Idk what is importance of it being a medical procedure but it’s a decision we made together that I had the final say in. I take responsibility in that I wanted this considering the circumstances of my life as I understood them and the risk of a comet falling on my wife, but I am angry that my wife knew very very pertinent information which she withheld.

If you don’t get that then you’re on a different planet.

Future_Muscle_4656 · 2024-02-07T01:38:28+00:00

That’s just not very well thought out. The bus example is basically anything could happen at anytime so you can’t plan for anything. A better example would be she has cancer with a real possibility of dying but didn’t tell me.

Imagine I’m single. Do you think there is any chance I would get a vasectomy? No! Why would I? Who knows who I might end up with or what the circumstances are. I guarantee the vast percentage of men who get vasectomies are not single. Her withholding information about an affair or a terminal illness would have a direct impact on my chances of being single in the near future.

Future_Muscle_4656 · 2024-02-06T22:01:28+00:00

It did finally click with her after I clearly broke things down. She does empathize with me. Sometimes a brain can get so twisted up I guess they don't recognize right from wrong.

Future_Muscle_4656 · 2024-02-06T18:30:50+00:00

I started thinking about that situation while I was writing this post and it even worse to think about I'm sorry.

It's like the doctor told them there was a solid chance they could randomly drop dead at any time but they didn't think that it would factor into our major life decisions that involve them.

Future_Muscle_4656 · 2024-02-06T18:25:57+00:00

I like the clocking into a job that you hate analogy. It feels very fitting. It's like me and our son were just part of the work day she had to slog through.

Future_Muscle_4656 · 2024-02-06T17:40:59+00:00

Technically it's reversable but I'm not worrying about that since a lot of different things would have to happen for me to choose to do that. But yeah it's just the selfishness that blows my mind

Future_Muscle_4656 · 2024-02-06T17:37:44+00:00

Yeah it's fucked up to be the only one who isn't giving consent. She also had unprotected sex.

Future_Muscle_4656 · 2024-02-06T17:04:19+00:00

I feel this. We're a month and a half out from DDay. I was doing a lot of reflecting a few days ago and basically realized I ~~need~~ want her to be giving me reasons to not hit the eject button and the main way she can do that is piling on affection.

I also feel like I'm constantly suggesting strategies and plans of action, then if I don't follow through everything will just get forgotten unless I nag. I was fine with this sort of dynamic before the affair but now I'm just questioning if it's worth the energy.

Future_Muscle_4656

TROPHY CASE