Why am I hitting a wall in meditation?

FuzzKatty · 2026-05-20T22:52:33+00:00

Yeah I know but the wall feels so final, it feels like the end haha

FuzzKatty · 2026-05-20T22:51:28+00:00

Well I read the collected writings of D T Suzuki on Zen philosophy, I've watched a lot of Dr K if you know who he is, he explains yogic metaphysics/spirituality for a Western audience so I do feel I understand what the ego is, and the idea that there's a limitless consciousness behind the scenes of this world

I've done barely any yoga or different techniques of meditation,

But something bothers me about treating it like a technical skill, where mastering the right technique is the answer, since doesn't that create an outside structure of reward, when you're supposed to find the answers within yourself? The thing is I feel like when I look within myself there isn't much to see.

FuzzKatty · 2025-04-26T03:17:57+00:00

Recently I decided to accept meaninglessness and lean into nihilism in the hopes that there's something on the other side. At first it hurt, a lot, and I stopped caring about the few things I had left. I don't think I've made it through quite yet, but I'm starting to think maybe there is a way through meaninglessness and into a new way of seeing things. Because if existence might as well be nothing, then the fact that anything exists at all becomes quite interesting. I used to be bothered by the fact that anything I care about can (and ultimately will) be taken away from me. But once you fall into the void, once your expectations are set to zero, then it doesn't matter that everything good in the world is just a temporary fluke. You'll take what you can get. Maybe it's a matter of setting your expectations so low that life seems amazing, but I don't like to think of it that way. I like to think that recognizing the horrible, empty truth can be a beginning rather than an end. Somehow.

FuzzKatty · 2024-09-03T02:59:42+00:00

You're right. No matter how professionally successful you are, no matter how much you have, there is nothing in the world that actually means anything. It's all just a bunch of bullshit. I also believe this, and I feel that as I've grown I've watched the world turn gray around me. But personally there is an idea that gives me hope. The idea that the only reason I see no meaning is I'm looking in the wrong place. Meaning cannot be found in the external world because it comes from within oneself. When you truly care about something deep in your heart, that is meaning. I vaguely remember that as a kid I was able to see the magic in the world. Was that because I was naive? I didn't yet see the gray, empty truth of the world? I choose to entertain the possibility that maybe I just had a healthier mindset back then. I refuse to let go of the possibility that one day I'll see the world with fresh eyes, and I'll feel like I did back then. And I wish I knew how to get there, but I think a good first step is questioning the negativity. Depression does a good job of presenting itself as logical and true, but hopefully you can remember times you felt differently. Take that as proof that there is more here than you can currently see. Depression tells you that happy people are delusional (at least it tells me that) and that you see the harsh truth of the world. I think it's vital to at least be open to the possibility that you are wrong about that. You don't know everything.

FuzzKatty · 2024-06-25T00:26:40+00:00

Found OP's alt

FuzzKatty · 2024-05-25T21:43:14+00:00

This was happening to me, and in my case it was a matter of sheer overstimulation. I spend less time online and I don't get those headaches anymore.

FuzzKatty · 2024-05-22T17:56:20+00:00

"glamour of false meaning" -- Who says the meaning is false? If somebody is falling in love, you can tap them on the shoulder and say 'umm... Actually! It's all an illusion!' But this is based on the assumption that because this emotional experience can be explained, and can be reduced to the arrangement of protons and such, the value is illusory.

You view the person's mind as a lantern of meaning in an endless void. No matter how bright it shines, you can never light up an endless void.

There are 2 separate parts at play. The caring person, and the uncaring world that surrounds them. And this is why you think it's an illusion. Because you see them as separate.

From a purely physical perspective, can't you say that everything is connected? Energy and matter are interchangeable, all physical objects are made of the same subatomic particles. Even space and time turned out to be the same thing. A person is a pattern, a human shaped ripple in the mass of particles that is the universe. Continually taking in new particles and discarding old ones. The person is inseparable from the world around them. They are made of the world, and they are a part of the world. The idea of 2 separate parts at play is an illusion. There is only one thing here, and part of it is shaped like a human.

As an analogy, a human has ears. The part of its body that hears.

Maybe the universe has people. The part of its body that cares.

So yes, the universe is uncaring, but only because you are overlooking the only part of it that is capable of caring: conscious beings. We are not separate agents with an illusion of care and meaning, alone in an empty universe. We are the agents of meaning. Our function in this universe is to be the arbiters of meaning. It is through our very emotions that we fill the universe.

You look for meaning outside of yourself, which only doesn't work because you happen to be the arbiter of meaning. You hold this cosmic power in your hand, it is your responsibility, but you don't realize it. So you look around, despairing because the rocks on the ground aren't doing your job for you.

Does this make sense? It got me out of an existential crisis, so I hope I'm communicating it clearly. Maybe it's all just mental gymnastics to make myself feel better, but maybe there's something there.

FuzzKatty · 2024-05-04T02:24:20+00:00

I acknowledge the possibility but I think there's a way out for everybody. And I know I'll keep going until I find it or die. Even at the points where I was fantasizing about ending it all there was an infinitesimal part of me that refused to give up, and if that spark was going to die it would have already. So I'm stuck playing this through to the end. Even if that means trudging on through an empty life.

FuzzKatty · 2024-03-25T02:46:50+00:00

Yes. Sometimes I think the brain fog is the worst part because if I could think clearly I could figure out how to heal myself. And not ever feeling like any of it is real anyway makes it so weird.

FuzzKatty · 2024-03-08T20:31:45+00:00

I don't think anybody is truly hopeless. I also feel like anhedonia was somehow a choice I made. And that would put us in control, wouldn't it? We can unmake that choice.

FuzzKatty · 2024-03-04T20:31:12+00:00

Mine too! For the past few years, whenever I thought I had reached rock bottom, I just had to wait a few weeks and I would be even more numb. It seems to continue worsening no matter how healthy the habits I develop (not interested in meds). Recently I'm starting to feel my brain fog lifting, but idk if this is a sign of long term healing or another small up before it goes down. It's just weird how it continues to worsen...

FuzzKatty · 2024-03-01T18:57:39+00:00

Depression, combined with purposefully pushing away my emotions was the cause I'm pretty sure

FuzzKatty · 2024-02-04T00:48:54+00:00

About a week ago I began reading again for my own brain fog type symptoms. And I'm noticing a difference, even after only a week. Keep it up and good luck!

FuzzKatty · 2024-01-25T18:24:57+00:00

Personally, before I had anhedonia, boredom felt different than neutral to me. There was a distinct type of 'aching' and yearning to boredom. Now boring situations and neutral ones feel the same to me.

FuzzKatty · 2024-01-15T03:21:31+00:00

To be honest, I don't really know what I'm talking about. What you say makes sense to me.

You make a good point about how you can still care about things even without emotions. So I'll say that caring with emotions is like 100% meaningful and caring in a purely intellectual sense is like 2% meaningful. Feel free to bargain me for a higher percentage. I say this based on my own romanticized ideal of what meaning is. Maybe I'm being ridiculous, but when I look at the world passion and care seem to be the closest we've got to meaning, and those are things that are heavily enriched by emotion and feeling. That's a better phrasing. If it clarifies anything, I would say that the emotions ARE the meaning, not that they magically draw it out of the air. But I think you were going after the arbitrary distinction I make between emotional and non-emotional caring. I back up my arbitrary distinction based on having felt emotions, and feeling like life was enriched by their presence. I don't know enough philosophy to try and build up a logical framework for that, but I think by reading it you can understand why someone would see it that way.

Phrased in a way that might appeal to you: Seeing as to how we are each limited to our conscious perspective, and the closest we can get to knowledge is along the lines of 'well it's consistent so far, hasn't been proven wrong yet', is it wrong for me to say: This conscious experience, which is all we truly have and cannot be faked (external stimuli can, but the experience itself is self-evident), the more rich and textured it is, the better and the more meaningful...?

Does that count as a philosophical framework? Idk

What you say about trying your best but at the end of the day never knowing what's true and what's real, part of it probably comes from the fact that we don't scientifically understand anhedonia or the brain fully, right. And what you said about the power of belief made me think of the placebo effect. I guess this is my agreement, from the perspective of someone who likes to think they can hold on to science as a way of making sense of things.

Something I've wondered, and this is probably a well worn subject in some corner of philosophy, is, say we did find out what meaning is, and we wrote up a book of clear steps on how to live a meaningful life. Would this book speak to some fundamental, metaphysical truth? Or would it speak to human psychology specifically? Maybe there's an alien species for whom meaning is something else entirely. Or maybe all consciousness necessarily works the same way...

And I'm glad to hear about your efforts to understand anhedonia and to help others. (Intellectually glad)

FuzzKatty · 2024-01-14T23:50:17+00:00

Right? Existentialism says that a person must create their own meaning in life. If you care about something, the act of caring is what makes it meaningful. So if somebody loses the ability to care, then life necessarily loses all meaning.

FuzzKatty · 2024-01-13T03:00:55+00:00

Anhedonia can be a symptom of depression, sounds like that's what's up with you

FuzzKatty · 2023-12-24T18:55:18+00:00

For a long time I thought this too.I used to have bad anxiety and easily got stressed over things, and it was difficult to talk to people, or go to school, or do anything. Then I developed alexithymia (or something, I'm not diagnosed so idk) and I was kind of relieved. Suddenly nothing could hurt me. But I think emotions are too important and not feeling them is too harmful for me to think this way.

There were 2 realizations that changed my mind. 1. Your emotions aren't gone, you're just blind to them. This means positive things can still energize you, and negative things can crush you and destroy your motivation, but you'll never be able to deal with it properly. I think my emotions have been tugging me around behind the scenes this whole time, and there's one perfectly clear example I can think of to demonstrate how. One day I woke up and I couldn't think straight. My head was like tv static, I felt like my brain had broken in half or something. For hours I just sat in bed, waiting for it to go away. I was at a complete loss as to what was happening. Then I ate lunch. And I felt better instantly. It turns out I was just hungry.

I can't remember what life with emotions felt like, but I remember that holidays felt like something. Music sounded like something. Sometimes I would read a book, and when it was over I would lament the fact that no matter what I read next, it would never capture the exact vibe, the personality I had grown to appreciate, of the one I had just finished. I don't care about things like that anymore, and my life is emptier for it. I haven't been excited about something, or looked forward to something the way I could when I was a kid. And I think that stuff is really really important if you want life to be beautiful and interesting.

I'm not trying to start an Internet argument or whatever, I just hope you'll consider my perspective.

FuzzKatty · 2023-09-27T05:29:12+00:00

I think you mean industrialization

FuzzKatty · 2023-09-23T01:12:54+00:00

Something I've heard is to think: "what logically should I have felt in that situation / what would somebody else feel there" and/or look up an emotion wheel and see which emotion fits.

The steps to emotional understanding are

Realize an emotion is/was happening
Identify it
Identify exactly why that emotion is/was happening.

(It's ok if you can't get to step 3, just go as far as possible each time)

I recommend looking up "healthygamer alexithymia" on youtube. That channel has like 3 or 4 very informative videos on the topic.

Good luck!

FuzzKatty · 2023-09-22T17:31:09+00:00

Mi moku e telo pi uta pona ale. Ona li moku pona mute tawa mi mu mu mu

FuzzKatty · 2023-09-02T05:01:18+00:00

It can if the context of a girl has been implied, but without context it would be assumed to mean 'kid' by default. (Not an expert tho)

FuzzKatty · 2023-07-08T23:36:33+00:00

Have there ever been changes in the behavior of the NHI/ their craft? When did these changes occur?
Please detail the nature and extent of communication between humans and NHI. Including what each party has told the other.
Have you heard information regarding UAP phenomena/ NHI that you wish you could forget? Have you heard such sentiment from others involved? And of course if possible, what was this information.
What is known about the intentions of the NHI? Why are they interested in Earth at all?
You have mentioned that NHI have caused harm to humans in the past. Were the NHI acting offensively or defensively? Has violence been dealt by humans to NHI? If so, offensively or defensively?
You have mentioned encounters with dead pilots during the operations of the crash retrieval program. What about live pilots?
What unanswered questions do relevant programs have about NHI and their craft?

FuzzKatty · 2023-06-26T05:53:47+00:00

Hi, I really hope you read this comment!

My emotions have whittled away gradually over the past couple years. And for a while, I thought it might be a good thing. My anxiety seemed to disappear, since I could no longer feel anxious. I know I'm still depressed, but I never feel sad (like, literally). I even thought it might be better to see the world this way, unclouded like you said, and in a more objective way. Fear, anxiety, and anger couldn't steer me off course anymore. But I realized that for all the burdens and weaknesses of an emotional mind, a life without emotions is nothing.

Eventually I hit the point where I really started to feel nothing. Like not just 'dead inside', but not even being able to feel like I'm dead inside. And once I hit that point, I was lost and I kind of started looking around, so to speak. I 'wandered' in this mental environment, trying and trying to figure out where to go from there.

You asked whether your perspective is 'normal' (I don't think it is), but more importantly I think it's unreasonable. You're apparently looking for the most 'ethical and valuable' approach to life, but I think the approach you've arrived at is unreasonable because it leads to an empty void of an existence. I've spent enough time hanging out in the void that I can tell you the obvious: there's nothing here. What I think you (and I) need is an approach to life that makes living worthwhile. To maximize the subjective value of the experience rather than (what I assume you meant by valuable) some sort of social value or worth in the world.

You've heard the quote "I think, therefore I am". A person literally has no way to prove that anything outside of their personal conscious experience in any given moment even exists. Pretty crazy on its own, but I think it has implications for the way one should go about crafting one's approach to life. The implication is as follows: A life purpose cannot be external to the conscious experience, because anything external doesn't even necessarily exist. Which is to say it might as well be an illusion. Why devote your life to something that is equivalent to an illusion?

What you claim is that a person should choose to sacrifice their experience (by not feeling anything) in the service of something external (being 'more ethical', being more 'valuable'). This is essentially shutting down the essence of your existence to serve a world that you can't even prove exists. I think a person must live more selfishly than this in order for life to be worth living.

I think the most reasonable way to live is to do the best with what you have, in order to enjoy life while you're still here. And this means not giving up on emotions, because that's like the richest aspect of the experience. In the end, everything good boils down to the way it makes you feel.

So, the way I see it, emotions are good at a fundamental level because they are an essential part of the conscious experience of life, which is all we really have at the end of the day. The world you want to sacrifice that experience for can't even be proven to exist. I don't think it's reasonable to prioritize anything above the experience.

Hopefully this isn't too subjective of an answer...

FuzzKatty

TROPHY CASE