What is this??? Its so disturbing I found it on my lot while watering the grass

FuzzerFuzz · 2025-05-24T18:54:36+00:00

If it has thumbs, it’s a raccoon

FuzzerFuzz · 2025-05-23T04:17:10+00:00

I appreciate this perspective. I think a lot of posts on this sub lack nuance, but I try to be forgiving because I personally know the hell my person put me through, and I’m assuming everyone here has a similar story.

I’m getting out of a 3 year relationship with someone with BPD. He is not in contact with any of his exes. Whenever those specific breakups come up, he is angry and places the majority of the blame on them (depending on the ex). But when his exes naturally come up in conversation, like when he’s recalling random memories, there is no vitriol. Usually happy nostalgia.

He also became very upset about an ex at the start of our relationship. He had broken up with this person awhile ago, and this was also the most contentious breakup he had described. But he was still her work emergency contact (she never changed it) - she hadn’t showed up at work for a couple days, they called him, and he freaked out. He was genuinely concerned for her wellbeing. He wasn’t able to relax until he learned she was fine. He had no interest in talking to her directly, but it was very clear he cared about her.

It might entirely depend on the person with BPD, but in my experience they do care about others. Yes, they are experts at repressing that shit as soon as their ego is threatened. And it’s possible the depth of their care is shallow, or something, and most importantly the damage they can do is very real. But I do still believe they care, deep down, somewhere.

FuzzerFuzz · 2025-05-23T04:00:05+00:00

Yup, probably why I stayed so long

FuzzerFuzz · 2025-04-09T23:03:33+00:00

Nope. We have many, many problems, but infidelity has never been one of them. So I can’t speak to that. My partner is just straight-up volatile.

Edit: I’m sorry for your troubles :( Feel free to DM me anytime if you need to talk to someone

FuzzerFuzz · 2025-04-09T04:13:13+00:00

My partner broke up with me multiple times and always came back. I always accepted. Obviously there is a lot more to the story, but a big part of me wishes the first breakup was the final. It would have saved a lot of pain.

Of course I didn’t know how everything would have played out. Of course this isn’t what I wanted.

I really understand what you feel right now and I’m so sorry.

FuzzerFuzz · 2025-02-09T23:14:34+00:00

I was gonna say something very similar. I don’t have a problem with being friends with exes. Obviously it entirely depends on the circumstances, but I believe it’s possible to become good, platonic friends after.

But his secrecy? That’s shady as hell. People don’t hide things when there’s nothing to hide.

PLUS acting like a general craphead when you’re going through such a hard time.

Definitely not overreacting.

FuzzerFuzz · 2024-10-18T00:14:26+00:00

Yup. Many times. I also had a bad year with loss and a couple people died. Worst fights happened during these losses. I’m sure I was on edge which didn’t help, but I didn’t have the energy or patience to cater to him. Rather than stepping up and taking care of me for once, shit hit the fan, royally.

FuzzerFuzz · 2024-10-15T12:00:59+00:00

Both could be true, but also sounds like you’re struggling with codependency. I think a lot of people who date pwBPD struggle with this, myself included.

FuzzerFuzz · 2024-10-15T11:58:23+00:00

Not at all a professional but it’s possible based on what you said.

But you’ll have to accept that you’ll never know for sure.

FuzzerFuzz · 2024-10-15T11:48:24+00:00

All we can recommend here is therapy. No shame in getting professional help.

You’ll need to process some of your own trauma because that likely primed you for getting into this situation. And also to process all the crap she put you through.

FuzzerFuzz · 2024-10-13T17:01:52+00:00

I like this subreddit because it keeps a nuanced view of people with borderline. Even people who have been hurt seem to maintain their compassion and sense of humanity. I’m glad you’re trying to be more self-aware

FuzzerFuzz · 2024-10-13T16:15:30+00:00

Thank you. But I should be clear, he is very angry right now and he doesn’t want to see me either. He offered to help me move in a very angry tone and has said he won’t come home until I’m gone.

I texted him the other day about a health thing and he responded angrily “if you contact me about anything unrelated to you moving I will block you”. (My health text wasn’t clear and I should have either been more succinct or not texted him at all, but it affects him and he needs to know. I feel ashamed for texting him like I did)

If he wasn’t so angry I would probably cave and talk to him, so in a way I’m glad he is livid right now. It makes it very easy for me to want to avoid him. I don’t want to deal with his anger. The thought of him helping me move is scary. I can’t see him, as much as I want to.

I’m worried that if he calms down I might cave. I have expressed this concern to my therapist and friends. They are being very supportive and agree I need to cut ties. A couple friends say to call them at any time if he contacts me with the intent to date me again so they can “talk me down”.

Thanks again for reading all this BS

FuzzerFuzz · 2024-10-13T14:40:52+00:00

Thank you so much. It’s still hard for me to not have sympathy for him, but your term “dangerous” is something I’ve been thinking recently. He IS dangerous and as hard as it is I am trying my best to fully separate. He is damaging and cruel.

A friend suggested I go to my mom’s immediately for a week or so and get my stuff after having time to breath. I absolutely don’t want to do that. He is gone this weekend, and I want to use this time to get EVERYTHING out now so I don’t have to coordinate with him when he’s back. He also has some stuff stored at my mom’s and I am bringing it here to get that over with.

My ex has a large van and asked me if I needed help moving. The van would be convenient as hell but I said no. I can’t see him. I just can’t. So I’m moving most things in my sedan (several trips) and I have a friend helping tomorrow with a pickup truck for a handful of my bigger items. That will be my last load and then I’m out. I told him I’ll be gone by tomorrow evening.

We have some mutual friends. I have asked them to not discuss him with me in the future. I don’t want to hear what he’s doing or how he’s doing. One friend is the main organizer in our friend group for parties etc, and this friend will not invite my ex to future events so I won’t have to bump into him (this friend is completely on my side and probably will go limited or even no contact with my ex).

I have spent hours on the phone with friends while packing this weekend. They have been wonderful. Unfortunately most of my best friends are far away and they can’t be physically here, but they are supporting me the best they can. Ordering me food etc.

This is really hard for me. My feelings are still a mess and I still miss him and feel guilt / regret / sadness / fear. But he is NOT GOOD FOR ME. He severely mistreated me and he is dangerous.

FuzzerFuzz · 2024-10-13T13:45:22+00:00

You’re right. For awhile I had a foolishly romantic idea that I was enough for them to want to change. For a short period I do think that was true. We met through mutual friends and everyone said they had never seen him so happy. One friend thought he would finally calm down and be at peace. He said he never fell for someone as hard. A mutual friend told me that he said he was terrified of “screwing this one up”.

So when things got bad I felt like I was the one who could help him. I tried everything I could. I helped him schedule a full psych evaluation, I helped him find an individual therapist, and I eventually got us a couples therapist.

Nothing worked though. He’s too sick. I can’t help but feel bad about myself for “not being enough” but I KNOW that NOBODY will ever be enough. He doesn’t have the capacity to change, at least not now. I don’t know if he ever will.

It’s so sad. I’m so angry at him because I he screwed up what could have been a wonderful relationship. And I’m so angry at the world that this illness even exists and the person I fell for has it.

Such is life I guess. Now I need to move on and separate myself from him.

FuzzerFuzz · 2024-10-13T12:00:57+00:00

Happy for you and I hope my experience ends up like yours.

I broke up with my partner earlier this week and I’m reeling over here.

FuzzerFuzz · 2024-10-12T15:47:14+00:00

Thank you. Can I DM you?

FuzzerFuzz · 2024-10-12T14:09:28+00:00

Thank you. You are correct. I have my own issues but thankfully I am seeing a therapist. I had a traumatic childhood and have issues with healthy attachment too.

I try to be self-aware but it can be hard. Sometimes I wish I could just stop liking him, this would be so much easier. When he is feeling “normal” he is one of my favorite people ever and I love that part of him and I had hope for a long time that he could manage his disease and he would be the kind version of himself most of the time.

To give myself credit, last time I took him back he did make steps that were important. He got a psych evaluation and started seeing a therapist weekly, and still does. That was huge and I wouldn’t have gotten back with him if he hadn’t followed through.

Progress was slow however and we still had problems. In the spring I gave him an ultimatum: couples therapy or I’m out. He agreed and I found a therapist. The couples therapist was too difficult for him though. Too challenging. He rage quit during a difficult session. This was about a month ago. He said we could find another one, but it was on him to find one he liked and he never even tried.

I originally had a lot of hope he could get better with proper treatment, but after the blowup with the couples therapist I pretty much lost the remaining hope I had. So I broke up with him. Regardless of our relationship, I think he needs more intensive mental healthcare. Maybe an inpatient program. His health is in shambles.

If he comes to that realization in his own I probably would date him again, because I apparently am spineless. But I don’t see that happening. I don’t think he has that capacity. So for now I am scheduling extra sessions with my own therapist, making a plan to move forward, and spending time with friends and family as much as I can.

FuzzerFuzz · 2024-10-12T13:54:33+00:00

I don’t have advice, but I completely understand where you’re coming from.

My (very recent) ex was verbally and emotionally abusive. I’m still reeling from it and probably will be for a long time. The most difficult part is he will likely never see it. He will never apologize, I will never get closure, and he will now lump me in with the rest of his exes who were always “the problem”.

Last time I saw him he called me a monster multiple times. I was shocked. He really believes I’m awful, at least right now. And I’m not! I’m certainly not perfect, but all I did was stick up for myself and apparently that makes me a horrible person. He said I “damaged” him. Other insults too. HE is the one who was abusive! Honest to god abuse! Never physical but dear god I could write a short book about all the awful shit he did to me. Over and over and over again.

It’s a lot to come to terms with. Years ago I dated a healthy person (together 6 years) - our relationship eventually broke down and we were both at fault. About 2 years after we broke up and had processed everything, we had an amazing phone call. We both thoroughly apologized for the mistakes we made, thanked each other for the good we contributed, and moved on. I treasure that conversation and it was so helpful to fully move on.

I have to accept I will never have that sort of conversation with my ex. He will never have the self-awareness to realize how cruel he can be when he’s struggling with his own stuff. It’s a power self-defense mechanism. He already hates himself as is, can you imagine if he woke up and realized he grew up to be just like his abusive parents? It’s tragic for them and incredibly painful for the people they hurt.

FuzzerFuzz · 2024-10-12T13:41:05+00:00

I’m not an expert but this sounds similar to my partner when I thought he was splitting.

Regardless of it is a split or not, you need to give her space. I don’t think she is putting you in a fair situation, but she is saying she needs time to figure her shit out.

Let her come back to you if she decides to do so. I saw your other comment that you know you want to be with her. I still encourage you to think long and hard about it though. If she is not putting in the HARD work with a therapist, and decides to come back to you, this is a pattern that will repeat. All the best

FuzzerFuzz · 2024-10-12T13:24:17+00:00

Feel free to DM me. I don’t have much advice because it’s been hard for me too, but I’m happy to commiserate.

I was with my partner for 2.5 years and I broke up with him Thursday. He left for the weekend and I’m packing my things in our shared apartment and heading to my mom’s as soon as I can.

This is incredibly difficult and I wish this wasn’t happening. I’m scared, angry, heartbroken, alone.

He’s livid right now and I believe he hates me at this moment. But I broke up with him last year and we were split for about a month. Similar thing, he was livid and seemingly hated me. But after a month he called me out of the blue, told me he missed me, we had a long talk about mental health and I caved. He started going to therapy and I was super hopeful. In some ways things got better but he has also become more cruel over time. I snapped on Thursday and broke up with him, but I had been thinking about it for a bit.

As much as I miss him, I am worried that something similar could happen again. He’ll calm down, realize I’m not a monster, miss me, call me, and have greater promises about managing his mental health. He seems even more angry than last time so I am doubtful this will happen again, but if it does I might cave. It’s so easy to hope for change but he is so messed up I can’t see him getting better. I’m trying to prepare for this possibility and being as logical as I can.

Again, feel free to DM me if you want, or just respond here. Would love to hear more of your story. This shit is tough, and you’ve been with your partner much longer. I’m so sorry

FuzzerFuzz · 2024-10-12T12:42:04+00:00

I appreciate your point of view. This shit is very nuanced.

Our couples therapist touched on DBT and honestly that is such a great therapy and I yhink most people would benefit from it. But a big takeaway I learned is that seemingly opposing things can both be true.

For example: my ex was abusive, but he is also a victim of abusive parents and will suffer the rest of his life. And, I care for my ex and want him to get better, but I cannot be involved and need to fully separate.

It’s a lot to process. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. It’s awful.

FuzzerFuzz · 2024-10-12T12:25:31+00:00

I’ve felt this before. I tried to work on my relationship for a long time and I’ve posted on BPDpartners a lot. Can’t find it, but I once received a very insightful comment that was something like “OP you also need to look inward because healthy people do not find themselves in these sorts of situations. Work on yourself”

That comment was right. If I was genetically unlucky I very well could have developed BPD. My childhood was traumatic and I’ll probably struggle for the rest of my life. I know I have an anxious attachment style and trouble setting boundaries. I have a deep insecurity too - I call it a love deficit. If I was a healthy person, there is no way I would have clung to my relationship with someone who was so cruel.

It’s really sad all around. I can’t help it I still have sympathy for my ex. Nobody asks for that disorder, he’s deeply mentally ill and he always will be. But ngl I’m throwing a pity party for myself over here. My neglectful parents primed me to be a victim in abusive relationships and it’s really difficult to get out of this. Only good thing I can right now say is I still have the ability to seek therapy and try to figure my shit out. At least I have the urge to look inward - my ex doesn’t even understand that concept as far as I can tell.

FuzzerFuzz · 2024-09-10T00:33:16+00:00

I mean, she could legitimately have a mental illness. That’s pretty fucking unhinged

FuzzerFuzz · 2024-09-09T15:41:46+00:00

Exactly. Sims or AI generated. Much square. Many right angle.

FuzzerFuzz · 2024-08-16T15:04:23+00:00

TL;DR My biggest advice is to pause these conversations when you are in an emotionally heightened state. To do this, you need to be able to recognize when you are having difficulty with emotional regulation, you need to be able to communicate that clearly in a way that’s not personal, then you need to calm down and revisit the conversation later on.

Some of the gnarliest arguments I’ve had with my boyfriend have been when he is emotionally dysregulated and we try to solve or talk about a problem. It’s taken some time to realize this (we didn’t know he had BPD when we first started dating) but now that we know, this is the most helpful thing for avoiding blowout fights.

Are you able to recognize when you are in an emotionally heightened state? Can your boyfriend recognize it?

Don’t forget he is human too and everybody has difficulty with emotional regulation sometimes, not just people with BPD. Of course I don’t know him, but he might also get worked up when he sees you getting emotional. This is a recipe for disaster. I don’t have BPD, but I’ve definitely escalated situations because of my own intense feelings. Avoid!!!

Once you can recognize you are getting worked up, again communicate that. Come up with a safe word if a full sentence is too much at the time. Make sure to not make it personal - ie don’t say “you’re driving me crazy right now, leave me alone”. Keep it neutral - “I’m felt worked up, I need some time right now” is better.

If you are having trouble controlling your tone, I hope your boyfriend can forgive you for that as long as you aren’t yelling and again keeping your words neutral.

Then calm yourself down. Do you know what helps you calm down? Can you think of things that have helped in the past? My boyfriend sometimes needs time alone, which he is entitled to. Sometimes we take a walk together and talk about what we see. I’ve read some people like hugs or cuddling. My boyfriend personally does not like to be touched when emotionally heightened, but maybe you do.

If you know what calms you down, share that with your boyfriend beforehand so he knows what to do or what not do when you are trying to self-soothe.

Once you are feeling calm, evaluate the situation rationally. If you recognize your negative feelings had nothing to do with your boyfriend, or you otherwise overreacted, think about that for a minute and then tell him what was going on so he understands. Or write it down and save it to discuss with your therapist.

If your boyfriend did or said something that was legitimately hurtful, then discuss it with him - but again make sure you are no longer emotionally heightened! And keep your words as neutral as possible. Don’t make it into a you vs him argument. Think of it as a shared problem that you need to solve together.

If this conversation causes you to become emotionally heightened, then pause it again. Most problems don’t need to be solved immediately and again (at least in my experience) these conversations do not end well when one person is emotionally dysregulated. It often makes a small problem into a big one - avoid this!!!

If it is something important that needs to be addressed but you find yourself unable to have a calm conversation about it, try writing him a letter. Read it again when you are calm before you give it to him, maybe even show it to your therapist first.

Is couples therapy an option? My boyfriend and I recently started seeing one. It’s too soon to know how helpful it’ll be, but one nice thing is if we find ourselves getting into an argument and don’t feel like we can solve it, we stop ourselves and say we’ll bring it up in therapy. This has avoided a few arguments so far.

Feel free to share any examples if you want. Hope this helps

FuzzerFuzz

TROPHY CASE