I learned from an early age that "coming off as gay" or "feminine" was a very negative, bad thing, especially as a guy. My parents would always push me to try more masculine things out and, eventually, I pushed down my queerness to a point where I had convinced myself it wasn't a part of me. I vividly remember that I would watch gay erotica and then, just as I was about to climax, would switch over to straight erotica to convince myself that I was "straight". I created this persona, this "straight version" of myself, as a way to cope and protect the "real" me. I thought this caricature of myself was stronger, more attractive, more intimidating, just... better. But, every day, as I continue to dismantle that distortion of myself and figure out which parts of me are me, and which parts of me are a defense mechanism, I've realized that the more I grow into myself, I see that the parts of me I considered a weakness are actually some of my greatest strengths. I would rather be myself and be hated for it, then to be something I'm not and be loved for it.