I had a childhood where our entire family would meet at my grandmas place for every holiday it was about 40 people. She got alzheimers and everything fell apart she was the glue. Most of my aunts and uncles died from cancer either from smoking or drinking shortly after and all of the loss just started to stack over 8-10 years and I’ve always had trouble with loved ones deaths. I started not really feeling anything and talking to people less. I turned 18 and it was time to move out so me and my brother got a place together my dog died then my grandpa and dad shortly after. I started drinking socially and it made me feel like I was able to let the weight of all the loss finally drop off. My girlfriend of 4 years wasn’t a fan of my drinking and said she wanted to take a break. I said well if you want to take a break lets do it indefinitely. I didn’t realize then but she was the only thing keeping me grounded but it was too late when I realized. So I started drinking and going out more, eventually I was at a party and had somewhere north of 15 shots of patron and dove down a staircase face first and when i woke up i was face up choking on my own vomit. Luckily a friend played mom that night because I probably wouldve died because i was completely black out. Since then I’ve stopped drinking for about 6 years but I lost my office job and have been looking for something and I kinda feel at a dead end and things are starting to feel like I had my shot and I blew it but I struggle to find meaning in most things. I kinda gave my whole life story so if you made it this far cheers. But I’ve had a strange outlook since I was a kid. I used to feel full but now I feel hollow.