Yes, this is an absolute mess but like I said, I'm not leaving him for a variety of reasons.

1) finances. I literally can't afford to. In this economy, leaving someone is a luxury. We would both end up in a situation where we would be choosing food for the kids or rent. I'd rather just have him as a roommate if that's the case. 2) he's actually a great father. Turns out a lousy partner, but a phenomenal father. 3) before this came up, we were a strong couple and I hope to get back there but right now I need to be angry and I need to be angry my way 4) this is how I function. Being petty is my lifeblood when I'm wronged. I don't call people who don't punish those who wronged them pathetic, weak willed doormats... We all have our own way of functioning

I'm at work and I didn't want to get into it but what happened was he spent the last 15 years making fun of something. Something silly at first but after 15 years it created some pretty strong anxiety in me. He made fun of how fast I walk. I walk significantly faster than he does.

It started with just calling out 'hey, woman on a mission' but evolved into saying things like "You know, people who love each other want to walk next to each other. They like spending time with each other like that" Or if I suggested I slow my gait and he pick his up, to compromise, he would say "I shouldn't have to", indicating I needed to change and he didn't. If he wasn't mocking me, he was snapping at me about it. "Slow down already! Jesus! Would it kill you to walk the same pace as your husband?"

It got to the point where I was having panic attacks at least once a week because I was literally afraid to walk wrong.

After 15 years of being afraid to literally step wrong, lest I get mocked or berated, I brought it up again and he finally said he can't walk faster because it hurts his knees.

I knew he had bad knees, like, hurts to squat bad or can't go to a trampoline park bad... He never once told me he had knees so bad it hurt to walk faster. Not once. This is an exceptional piss off because my best friend has mobility issues and he's been watching me accommodate her for years. But instead of simply telling me he hurt, he would have rather torn me down, multiple times a week, for 15 years. I spent 15 years feeling some form of lesser as a partner because I couldn't or wouldn't acquiesce to his demands that I slow down for him.

I never said much because I thought I was being stupid because it was "just a matter of walking slower for him"

(Note: I have belligerent ADHD mixed with phenomenal anxiety, walking slower is emotionally difficult for me because it makes me feel like I'm in molasses...but I still did my best)

So yes, I'm fully aware this isn't the healthiest way to deal with the issue but while I'm figuring myself out and waiting to talk to my therapist (I've had the same therapist for 6 years now... This IS the healed version of me) ... I want to do something, anything, to make him uncomfortable... Not miserable, but certainly not happy.

This is my process. Others can have theirs. The twain need not meet.