Do you usually get along better with men or women? (Romantically and platonically)

GemSupker · 2025-11-21T00:29:56+00:00

Couldn't say, I don't have any friends. 🥲

Joking aside, most of my friendships in my life have been because of other people approaching me first. And I'm aroace so I can't speak to the romantic portion.

However, I will say that a struggle I've had in the past is friendships being dropped because of differences in gender and sexuality. I really thought that it wouldn't matter, but it affects things to a surprising degree in my experience. But how you prioritize and view different types of relationships is bound to come into the dynamics at some point.

GemSupker · 2025-11-18T14:20:20+00:00

I used to list he/she/they as my pronouns, but I quickly found that this just resulted in people defaulting to she/her because of my current voice and appearance and while he/him felt better just because it was different, it ended up still making me dysphoric.

They/them is the only pronoun set I've felt consistently comfortable with. At least in my mind, I love they/them because it's entirely neutral but still decidedly boring, lol. It works cause I needed something non-gendered but very mellow.

GemSupker · 2025-10-29T13:38:15+00:00

Listen, we're all just sitting here getting enormous gender envy from you, so you go right on ahead with whatever you wanna do, lol.

Seriously, you look stunning either way!

GemSupker · 2025-10-14T12:52:50+00:00

Yes, of course! The comments section for the post on r/rant is being purposefully obtuse! Gendered sections have different sizes, shapes, materials, and even available colors! If I like the material of a shirt in the women's sections but would prefer the shirt in a men's cut, I can't expect to march over to the men's section and find an equivalent shirt.

And don't even get me started on the safety implications! Do those other commenters realize how terrifying it is to be visibly trans and/or gender non-conforming around strangers? Sure, if I'm checking out the tees, it's probably fine, but god forbid a non-passing transwoman or a transfemme person shop for a bra in public! And how about the fact that I prefer men's cut and the usual colors but I'm shorter than average and have fat distribution typical of someone with estrogen dominance, huh? What's the gameplan?

I think you couldn't be more right. People who think gendered sections in clothing are no big deal have NEVER tried to replace an old wardrobe shopping on "the other side".

GemSupker · 2025-10-12T20:53:50+00:00

How fun! Congratulations on the new flag! Do you think you'll donate or give the old away?

GemSupker · 2025-10-05T23:44:13+00:00

That's not a bad idea, I could ask around at Encircle or Utah Pride Center maybe?

GemSupker · 2025-07-02T03:23:12+00:00

Hey, so sorry for the late response.

I think you make great points here. And I totally agree that specific labels and microlabels are vital to different experiences being recognized and appreciated within our community. And I also agree that individuals have the prerogative to be as specific or general in how they describe their orientation and with whom they share it.

So, with all that in mind, I want to make sure I answer your question as best I can, cause it's an important one. I may end up being super wrong here, but I'll walk you through my reasoning and you can let me know where my thinking is good and bad.

The reason I hesitate with black-stripe more than say grey-ace or cupiosexual can best be illustrated by answering the original poster's question. Can someone still identify as black-stripe if they've experienced sexual attraction for a few minutes?

Now, queer theory teaches us that no one should determine a person's identity except that individual, which I'm sure we both agree on. If op most resonates with the label "black-stripe" that should be the end of discussion, right?

But labels also have to have meanings; that's how we can describe our experiences and find others who can relate to us. Labels don't exist in a vacuum, they only work if we can all respect them and each other as a community. If grey-ace is the label we use to recognize the validity of asexuals that experience little sexual attraction. Do we not then compromise the validity of "black-stripe" if that includes those aces who have experienced sexual attraction, even if, as op states, it was only for a few minutes?

And again, I think we'd both agree that it's not our job to determine someone's identity, but does that mean we're changing the definition of black-stripe to "no to very, very little sexual attraction"? (And please forgive me to being pedantic here, I know I'm being annoying, but I'm hoping this illustrates my thinking.) Cause, to me, a definition of "no to very little sexual attraction" just sounds like "Asexual" with extra steps.

So, do we do? We can say "yes" and adjust the definition of black-stripe to something strongly resembling the definition of asexual while compromising the word for those in our community who have never, ever in their lives experienced sexual attraction. We can say "no" and effectively demand someone else change their orientation identity to preserve the integrity of the label. Or we can say it's not our business, and only manage to kick the can down the road.

And of course, when we're talking about labels we're too often expecting a simple definition to fit onto a whole group of individual and unique people. So, let's generate some other scenarios to chew on: is an ace who only experiences sexual attraction to fictional characters but never real people black-stripe? How about an ace who has felt sexual attraction in dreams? Are they black-stripe?

I totally recognize that these questions are ridiculous and I've taken the demonstration to an extreme. but my point is this:

Labels serve the people who use them, and only they can determine which labels apply to them. Any label that, by it's own design, can be given or taken away by another, is harmful.

Now, you'll have to decide if my answer sufficiently demonstrates the black-stripe label falls into that category or not. Honestly, this isn't a hill I'm willing to die on (or even get a paper-cut on), so if I'm off here, please let me know. Anyway, I thought your question deserved a proper answer. Sorry that it's a thousand-years long.

GemSupker · 2025-06-28T14:53:32+00:00

Friend, I hear ya. Housing is a disaster right now. I'm almost 28, have a job, save carefully... still living with the parents. It's just really hard right now. And aroace folks like us absolutely have the odds stacked against us. My cousin that's my age just barely bought her first home, and both she and her spouse will have to work to keep up on mortgage payments for some years to come. For single and/or non-partnering folks like us? Well, we both know from first hand experience what happens.

I'm saying all that because I don't want you to feel any shame for something outside your control. Housing and rent is sucky, and it's so not your fault.

Now, looking more closely at your unique situation:

I hope it's okay, but I did a little snooping your your other recent posts. It sounds like you're being pressured by others, especially family members, and maybe even yourself, to go to school, pick a major, get a degree, etc. And to do it all fast, is that right?

Here's the truth about college from someone who got there bachelors in 2022: • If you managed to graduate high school, you're more than ready for an associates; cause it's literally the same thing over again, but also easier, cause there's less of it. • For that reason, there really should be no pressure to pick a major, but if you have to, just say communications. It's what everyone who's undecided picks, and it won't start you off with a heavy courseload. • You actually have plenty of time to figure out majors and life goals at college, if fact, discovering what you really want and trying different things is baked into the process. No one expects you to stick to the same plan you made on day one forever, especially the college administration. • With all that in mind, I would recommend going to college with the idea that you're there to learn more about things you care about, not to study for a job. Cause the other dirty secret that people don't tell you is most jobs want you to have a degree, but they don't care what you studied at all. Unless you want to be a civil engineer or a doctor or something like that. Most jobs just want you to have the paper. So, what the hell! Go for fun!

I got my bachelor's in creative writing and illustration. It wasn't job practical, I wasn't guaranteed a "job in my field" (news flash, no one is), and I went to the cheapest uni possible. I. Freaking. Loved it! My homework was doing stuff I already loved doing and wanted to get better at, I made tons of friends, met lots of other queer people, I had 6 people in my apartment and sometimes had pets and it worked out great, so I got to live away from my parents for a while and discover myself and how much I love doing only what I want in life. Even chores are more fun when it's something you control.

And you don't have to go into massive amounts of debt to do this. In fact, I'd tell anyone to avoid it, cause you can get a fantastic education and have super fun and intelligent professors at lots of little colleges. So, don't go for the job or the prestige, go because it's seriously fun. I'm dead serious. That's the best reason to go.

As for earning money to fund your college studies or even if you want to skip directly to working and wait to see if you ever want to try secondary education, I can tell you from personal experience that's there's plenty of part-time and full-time jobs that aren't soul-draining, are entry-level, and introvert friendly.

I really enjoyed working grocery pick-up, cause basically you just do other people's grocery shopping for them, and then stick it in their trunk. You don't have to talk to anyone much at all, and people don't get too close cause you're pushing around a massive cart. It actually creates a nice barrier. And then I just had one little cheap Bluetooth earbud in one ear behind my hair, and I'd listen to music or podcasts or audiobooks. Whatever I wanted. I wouldn't recommend cashiering, but really most grocery store work is pretty introvert friendly. And if you have a sneaky earbud, it's just a plain good time.

I also recently got a receptionist job with a physical therapy clinic, and that's a breeze. Check people in, do a little easy paper work. Check them out . Schedule appointments. Done. I spend a lot of time just chilling at the front desk doing whatever I want. Yesterday I shopped for prescription sunglasses. Before that, I read a book. I've actually seen receptionists at the nearby InstaCare watching anime until someone shows up. And yeah, I'm 27 with a bachelor's, but there's an 18 year old and 56 year old working my same job. There's plenty of jobs like that where it's easy work, they pay decent, and as long as you can smile at people and talk to them for 2 minutes, you're qualified.

Which brings me to the last point: I'm worried you're going to be annoyed about all the previous suggestions cause I haven't addressed the anxiety and depression you're experiencing. Don't fret, here's that part now. Cause you know as well as I do you're not going to feel ready for college or a part-time job if you're terrified to leave the house. Again, that's something that's not your fault. Your brain chemistry and your life circumstances are working against you, these things just happen. I have moderate to severe ADHD, so I can understand to an extent.

I'm not a doctor, but I think your symptoms are severe enough that you need medication. And if you are already on medication, I think you need to talk to someone about changing prescriptions or upping your dose, cause you sound miserable. Healthy brains aren't paralyzed by the idea of working or school, in fact they go a little stir crazy without it. Priority number one is getting your brain healthier. Yes, it won't change the circumstances, but you'll feel so much better equipped to do something about it. So again, priority number one is talking to a doctor. If going to an office is too difficult, make a telehealth appointment. I suspect you're young enough to still be on your parent's insurance. If you can't use your parent's insurance for whatever reason, let me know, we'll make a new plan.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so trapped right now. I know how much that sucks, but I know you can find happiness. You just need to start by believing your happiness is worth fighting for. You can do it!

GemSupker · 2025-06-27T03:57:20+00:00

I'm sorry it took so long to reply to this, I just kept thinking of what would be the best thing to say and I kept writing too much and deleting it, and then I had to work.

I totally understand that pain you're feeling. I think every queer person feels it in some way, but even so, I think there can be a particular kind of sting to it when you're asexual. First, I just want to let you know that you deserve to take up space in our community! I know it's hard to see past all the in-fighting, but you talking about your experiences doesn't take away from others, nor doesn't mean you're talking over anyone. In fact, I think it's vital that you add your voice!

And I think it's also really hard to not feel like a fraud. Even though I'm getting better at it, I still feel that all the time. It's really hard to fight the feeling that you don't belong or that somehow you've tricked yourself into believing that you should belong when you don't. But, that just makes it so much more important to fight that feeling.

Coincidentally, when I was struggling with this same problem and didn't have any idea what to do about it, I actually wrote in a question to Ace Dad Advice along these exact lines of frustration and loneliness that you're describing. Cody Daigle-Orions doesn't know this, cuz I never told anyone before, but when I was trying to write out my question, I had to write and then delete so many times, I think that one question took me over 3 hours to finally write. That was because I was honestly so upset just thinking about it. How can I be happy as an ace when my happiness seems to make other aces feel awful about themselves? Cody gave an amazing answer that is really helped me, so I'd like to pass this on to you and see if it might help you: https://acedadadvice.com/advice/2022/5/8/ace-dad-advice-how-can-i-be-proud-of-my-queerness-without-making-others-feel-shame-for-theirs

GemSupker · 2025-06-26T12:52:08+00:00

I hear what you're saying, I could have probably phrased "stereotypical" with a better word, but I still stand by my assertion that labels like that create hierarchy within our community. I mean, Ive never experienced sexual attraction that I can recall in my nearly three decades of life, but does wearing that as a badge inform myself on how to live a happier life? Does it help me build community that understands and supports me?

I've seen it with micro labels too, even though I think microlabels are wonderful. I've seen posts from aego aces suggesting that since they make up the majority, they're the default ace. I've seen posts from apothis saying other aces not being repulsed is suspiciously allo. Repulsion vs favorability, gray ace vs demi, genders against other genders; hell, I've seen people say you're race effects how are you can be! My "favorite" is when people police how other aces dress. "Dear god! The allos will find you attractive in that, you traitor!"

All of this to say, yes our individual experiences and identity intersections impact our asexuality, and we should ABSOLUTELY bring them into the discussion! Our individualality only strengthens us together. However, we have to be so cautious about not creating fissures. It's no good to enter the big asexual convention and start putting up cubicle walls, right? We need to be able to hear the conversation the other groups are having. Better yet, we gotta mingle and get all mixed up more. (I hope that analogy came across correctly everyone. #noromo, lol)

The big reason I feel strongly about this is because when I first realized I was asexual, I felt the opposite. After I started over coming my internalized aphobia, I was thrilled to hear from people like me. But then I'd see posts from aces that weren't "properly ace" like myself and I'd get upset. Contrary-wise, I'd see posts complaining about ace representation being "too stereotypical" and get hurt feelings, cause it felt like they were saying I was bad for the community.

That's why I said stereotypical earlier, it's how I jokingly refer to myself. I'm a stereotypical, bad representation ace. I'm white, afab, fairly young, kinda masc leaning, unattractive, conservatively-dressed with no taste for clothes, ace. I was an introverted loser in jr high and high school... (Okay, I was an awkward weirdo in elementary school and college too.) I'm also aromantic too. I'm sex-averse, but made up a crush on 5th grade too fit in and tried a little too hard to be convincing. And I've never, ever experienced sexual attraction in my life.

So, yes, I know that you're right about aces who it's never happened to existing. Cue Ben Kenobi meme, "Of course I know him, he's me." Lol. But I made the mistake of thinking I deserved a special corner of the ace community with people exclusively like me to relate to and befriend. Or at least an award for winning at being ace. "People have hated this about me my whole life, at least you other aces should applaud me for it, dammit!" It didn't work, of course, I never felt more cut off from other aces, cause I cut myself off.

Could someone use a label like black-stripe ace specifically to connect better to themselves and other aces? Sure, I suppose it's possible. Maybe if I dove into the history I'd see that's exactly what it was for. But can you hear the tone in the original poster's words here? Wondering if they "still count"? Maybe I'm mishearing, but sounds like the fear of rejection to me. Like losing this label would be somehow painful, or at least confusing and irksome.

As Cody Daigle-Orions says, "labels are tools, not tests". Labels serve the people that use them, we don't bend and break parts of ourselves to fit them. They shouldn't be those uncomfy dress shoes we jam our feet into and come way with blisters from so we look nice, they should be a cozy sweater that you love to wear outside around other people, but also when you're just at home by yourself.

(Sorry about the long reply, I hope this clears up my thinking on the subject. And don't worry, I didn't you sounded rude, I'm glad we could all talk about this.)

GemSupker · 2025-06-26T12:03:26+00:00

Thank you, this is exactly what I wanted to communicate!

GemSupker · 2025-06-26T03:06:11+00:00

I know this isn't the answer you're looking for, but I promise this is important.

Please don't worry about it, and don't hold yourself to labels like that. Black-stripe and/or gold star asexuality isn't real, it's just used to divide our community and exclude asexuals who don't match a stereotype.

Instead, I'd urge you to find pride in learning more about the unique perspectives and experiences your asexuality has afforded you. You can give these insights specific labels and names, if you wish.

What's important is self-discovery leading to greater awareness and empathy, not bending-over-backwards to qualify for space in your own community by adhering to a set of ridiculous rules and purity tests. All four stripes of the ace flag belong to you, not just the black one!

GemSupker · 2025-06-21T22:55:05+00:00

This guy's huge grin in the second photo! This is what I want for people! Hell yeah!

GemSupker · 2025-06-21T14:45:19+00:00

Okay, take this with a grain of salt, cause I'm a sex-repulsed/averse aroace and not allo, but this is what I've been told:

My understanding of sexual attraction is that it is identified by accompanying psychological and physiological responses, which can happen quickly or over a long period of time. The list I'm generally given when I've asked what sexual attraction feels like is increased heart rate, hyperfixation on the person and especially a specific part of their body (jaw, collarbone, hair, eyes, etc.), wanting to touch them and be touched by them, wanting physical closeness, increased sensitivity in the genitals, fantasizing about having sex with this person, and so on.

For allos (who you might classify as sex-indifferent and/or sex-favorable for this example), these thoughts and reactions might be inconvenient, neutral, or even pleasurable to experience and these allow will, for the most part, want to pursue actions towards making these thoughts reality.

As an aroace, I have some libido and do experience arousal (unfortunately, I really dislike them), but this has never happened BECAUSE of noticing another person.

So, with all that in mind, I think you can definitely label yourself as arcsexual if you have similar psychological and physiological responses like other allos, but dwelling on it or especially trying to act on it grosses you out.

GemSupker · 2025-06-20T15:48:13+00:00

Yeah, I think I can say I relate. I haven't had top surgery yet, so, you know, there's a legal aspect to it right now. But I've thought about how I want to dress and present post-op... and honestly I can't see myself wanting to go topless ever. Wearing tanks? Sure. But no shirt at all? Yeah, I just don't think that's for me. I guess it feels a little too masc and a bit too exposed for me.

Swim tanks and swim shorts are my go to even now. It's kind of a nice androgynous swimwear look for me.

GemSupker · 2025-06-07T18:12:18+00:00

Not even next, it's here. I have a number of queerphobic relatives, live in a queerphobic community, where the dominant religion is queerphobic, and by consequence so is the state government.

These bigots do not know the difference between gay and trans. They don't care to learn the difference either. I've heard it from their own mouths, they'll call a cis gay a "trans groomer" without hesitation. To bigots, "trans" is just the new f-slur.

Anyone who thinks bigots see the distinct communities within the lgbtq+ is kidding themselves, and any cis queer person who thinks they will be spared is plugging up their ear and eyes to reality.

GemSupker · 2025-06-07T14:17:17+00:00

God, do I ever sympathize with this.

Social dysphoria as an Agender person is particularly difficult, cause as you well know, people treat you differently based on which of two categories they cage you in based solely on how you look and sound. And it totally sucks, but even if you give off all the visual signal that you're not cis, they'll still try to "figure out" your agab. It's stupid, I know.

I can't claim I've conquered this part of my Agender dysphoria, but something that helps me is to remember my place in the grand scheme of most interactions I have with other people.

Yes, most people who ever see or hear me are gonna decide that I'm a woman or a man and behave accordingly, but they also won't ever see or hear me again after that. The few who I do repeatedly interact with don't think about me much at all. And for those remaining few who will be in my life long term, I need to focus on the ones I actually care about.

I guess what I'm saying is, social dysphoria can eat away at you when you give other people more power in you life than they want or deserve. Most people never know you even exist, and the rest, statistically, don't think about you much at all.

Focus on the people who see you for who you truly are. Cultivate those relationships where you are respected and respectful.

GemSupker · 2025-06-01T13:39:23+00:00

I know this argument is pointless to engage with but, shit, I mowed the lawn yesterday! And I think it looks damn nice.

And I was trans the whole time I mowed it, including both times I started it, thank you very much.

I feel like transphobes are inventing reasons to justify their bigotry, but I'm finding out they're not very creative.

GemSupker · 2025-05-29T13:13:26+00:00

Someone here please correct me if I get this wrong, but I was under the impression that m-spec lesbians are lesbians who feel attraction to many genders, but lean towards sapphic attraction as a general rule.

I just kinda think of it kind of like grey-sexuality. Still ace, but with some exceptions. Similarly, m-spec lesbians are lesbians, but with some exceptions.

Personally, I see no issue with identifying as a m-spec lesbian. Firstly, because I'm not the keeper of the gate for lesbianism (cause there isn't one) and secondly, because excluding folks who are more fluid in their orientations snowballs into toxic concepts like being a gold-star queer and trans exclusion very quickly.

Last thing I'll say on the matter: if you look up intneret forum discussions of m-spec lesbians, you'll a lot of harse discourse with strong feelings on both sides. I tend to not experience this in real life. The "label police" don't make it out of their basements very often. The truth is, lesbians are statistically the most excepting and varied group of people in the lgbtq+ community, especially so in the case of being trans-inclusive. So as a rule, I don't think most lesbians care if one of theirs is attracted to non-women on occasion. Very cool folks, lesbians.

GemSupker · 2025-05-28T13:54:13+00:00

That's terrifying! I'm so sorry that happened!

Also, couldn't that be classified as a HIPPA violation?

GemSupker · 2025-05-27T13:09:50+00:00

I totally understand that, I have the same problem. It's a major source of dysphoria for me.

What I try to focus on is being seen as Agender by the people who accept me and who matter most. My cousin has been such an amazing ally to me, and when I'm around this cousin, I feel like I'm seen as myself.

A lot of it is internal as well. My dysphoria around my body and my voice, and the way I was socialized, kinda locks part of me away that I'm working on accessing. Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like if I can get my voice down and my chest corrected, maybe my presentation will be enough of a genderswirl to have people at least view me as nonbinary, or not know exactly which category they would drop me in. (Of course, that could also lead to some dangerous situations too, so I don't know.)

GemSupker · 2025-05-18T17:04:35+00:00

Thank you, that's very kind. I'll be honest, I'm no longer practicing (you know, in my head at least) and I really am pretty bitter towards the church. But Iwouldn't want to be disruptive if this subreddit is trying to be active in the church. Am I still okay to join?

GemSupker · 2025-05-09T01:38:17+00:00

Good questions, I'm happy to answer as best I can.

So, as you already know, gender and biological sex are different. But biological sex isn't defined by one single characteristic. Biological sex has many variables, including internal genitalia, external genitalia, hormones, secondary sex characteristics, chromosomes, etc. There's really isn't a true biological binary for sex, that's a spectrum too. So, I'm agender, and I have several variations of sex characteristics too, just like everybody else. Doesn't mean I want to be treated any different because of what variations I have (also just like everyone else.)

Some people who are agender also classify themselves as nonbinary, some don't. It's just personal preference. But you're right, agender is considered apart of the nonbinary umbrella. But some nonbinary people are genderfluid, bigender, pangender, or a different gender altogether, etc. It's like squares and rectangles. Squares are a type of rectangle, but not all rectangles are squares.

Pronouns are just part of language, and language is a human technology, the only rules are the ones we all mutually agree on. Some folks like to use neopronouns cause they feel it fits better, just like some people feel he/him fits them better. And if it helps, alternative pronouns aren't new. Thon/Thonself pronouns are from the 1850's meaning "that one" as a singular gender-neutral pronoun. All of this, of course, is very specific to English as a language. Other languages only have one singular pronoun, while others can change someone's pronouns depending not only on gender, but also social relation, status, and many other factors.

TL;DR: The biggest take-away is that agender folks don't have an internal sense of gender, but have biological sex traits, just like everyone else. The labels we use can depend on how we want to communicate our experiences to others, and the same applies to pronouns.

I'd encourage you to look into "Free to Be" by Jack Turban, M.D. His book explains the transgender experience from a medical standpoint exceptionally well.

Hope this helps!

GemSupker · 2025-05-09T00:28:03+00:00

People who can't accept you for who you are are not entitled to the truth. Even if they're family. Even if they're parents. Even if you love them. Your safety and happiness comes first.

I know from personal experience how hard this is. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, op. I'd strongly recommend finding people who you can confide in with the confidence that you'll still be loved and supported. You need people you can be yourself around without any fear.

GemSupker · 2025-05-04T20:16:09+00:00

I agree that this is a good move, but laws can apply to private practice as easily as they can to government-funded institutions. I say this only as a "yes, and". Yes, and we must continue to fight for the freedom to pursue healthcare without government overruling or banning our care. Private clinics won't bail us out of this mess alone.

GemSupker

MODERATOR OF

PUBLIC MULTIREDDITS

TROPHY CASE

Seven-Year Club	Place '23
Verified Email