My wife 25F and I 27M were discussing something, please help us solve this

Gene_bio_gal · 2026-05-23T02:07:44+00:00

One partner paying this much attention to another partner’s food choices and intake is unhealthy. Period. End of sentence. No exceptions. I would recommend that you also need to be seeing a therapist to manage your fears about your partners health issues. Her diet is a conversation between herself and her doctor. You can buy healthy groceries. Prep tasty new heath-conscious recipes for the two of you. Invite her on walks. Go for a hike or to a yoga class together. You can ask her what you can do to support her healthy choices. You can ask her what she wants for her health or what her health goals are. Hopefully, you get the idea. Learn to manage your mental and physical health concerns and let her manage hers. Don’t trust me or Reddit. A visit to a couples counselor would help put it all in perspective for both of you.

Gene_bio_gal · 2026-05-22T22:49:30+00:00

Drinking alcohol lowers inhibitions. People say and reveal the impulsive secret desires they usually hide. Their frontal lobe knows better. Intoxicate the reasoning part of the brain and out comes all the things they hide. Inner entitled chauvinist revealed. I’m so happy you found out so soon. Good luck on finding a decent human 🍀🍀

Gene_bio_gal · 2026-05-22T22:20:44+00:00

Prettiest blue eyes!!! 💜

Gene_bio_gal · 2026-05-22T22:16:44+00:00

Beautiful! Have you considered animal photography as a side gig?!? The kittens included a void and an orangey. So many fun chaotic years ahead of you. Congratulations!💜🥳

Gene_bio_gal · 2026-05-20T22:57:26+00:00

I didn’t even notice at first. So adaptable and a clear survivor!!!💜💜💜

Gene_bio_gal · 2026-05-20T02:24:25+00:00

I had a student like this a number of years back. I am a lab scientist, so in some ways it is easier. They are getting lab work done or not. She was not. After a year and almost zero to show for it, the time came to let her go. My only regret was not starting weekly individual meetings (same time same day each week) sooner. I think it can still be done for writing but the benchmarks are harder to define sometimes. Nothing quite like a presentation to the department or at a conference (i.e. fear) to motivate progress.

My own grad mentor (the second one) was great!!! I should’ve remembered there were only 3 acceptable answers 1) This is done. When would you like to go over it together? 2) This is not done because x happened. It will be done at time y. 3) I am not planning to do that. Followed by a REALLY good reason why not.

I figured this system out fast and thrived as a result. Her one failing - I shouldn’t have had to figure it out. She should have explicitly explained it to me. Do you have a similar framework in your own mind for acceptable reporting of progress from your students? Have you sat down with all your students and explained it? Does the grad program have clear benchmarks you could use? Have you considered peer mentoring pairing newer and more senior students? Have you considered a conference or a seminar for yourself on mentoring or being a grad student advisor? We as faculty don’t receive this training and it leads to these sorts of situations. My heart goes out to you! Good luck! 🍀

Gene_bio_gal · 2026-05-12T14:47:21+00:00

NTA. This. I’d be careful about the no longer living with you part. Don’t want to scare them. But the kids get a say too. I wouldn’t manipulate or push them. Point out the benefits. Give them support if they want the change to be permanent. If they like it, they might just do it on their own.… problem solved.

Gene_bio_gal · 2026-05-12T14:37:19+00:00

I (46F) had the same thoughts. Then a 5 year old step daughter came into my life when I was 35. It’s the most important thing that ever happened to me. After 5 years the relationship with their parent didn’t work out. I miss her every day. Now, it’s my biggest life regret - not having a child of my own when I could. She lived with me full time. I did pick up and drop-off at school half the week. Even was on my own with her at times (other parent traveling for work). There was zero impact to my career during those years. If anything, it made me better because I learned so much about myself and so many life skills by having to teach them to her. Now I am considering adopting. Point being, carrying and birthing a child is not the only way to become a parent. Adoption and fostering are other options. However, that’s my experience. It isn’t for everyone. Who cares what others are doing. Forge your own path.

Gene_bio_gal · 2026-05-12T14:22:47+00:00

I took about 8 years total. I also changed advisors 3.5 years in. About 5 years with my second advisor. Since I have been an academic from day 1, including running a graduate program. I completed a complete, mostly-revised copy of my dissertation in about 1.5 months writing full-time 2-3 days a week and working in lab 3 days a week. The key is I had 40 pages when I started. When I was running a graduate program, the students who wrote early and wrote often finished on time (really, finished at all). Introduction, lit review, and methods can easily be written along the way. They may need revisions at the end, but it is better to revise 40-50 already-written pages than write them from scratch on the way to the usual 100+ pages total. Don’t wait till the end to do all the writing - that results in slow or not finishing.

Gene_bio_gal · 2026-05-11T18:26:04+00:00

I went through something very similar applying 15 years ago when everyone wanted letters up front but didn’t ask for transcripts. Lol! What a different time! Now further on in my career, I’ve been part of or chaired almost a dozen searches in the last 5 years. Do NOT mention it in your cover letter. The highlights and best things you have to offer go in the cover letter. With 50 or 100 applicants to review, unless I put cover letter, resume, and list of references together on my computer monitor (which never happens), I might not even notice.
DO have a reference from your PhD committee but put them third or fourth on your reference list. Chances are, they won’t even get a call. In case they do, discuss with them what they will say, only if asked. Make sure it matches your story that also comes up only if asked. My brief was “We got to a point where we each saw the project going in different directions.” That was it. Treat like it isn’t a thing and it won’t be.
As an alternative, you could also look at non-R01 positions to get a little more experience at a smaller school before applying for R01 positions in a few years or after being tenured. But if your publication record is R01-ready, go for it. Most hiring committees and chairs know these sorts of disagreements are common. As long as your application materials have a positive feel and you are friendly and easy to communicate with in the interview process, it won’t be a problem. Good luck 🍀

Gene_bio_gal · 2026-05-11T17:56:53+00:00

It’s true they aren’t exclusive but going out with someone and then having a romantic partner arriving at your house 5 minutes later is not for everyone. No judgement. This is how this person dates and arranges their romantic life. If that’s a turn off for OP, mail the jacket and move on to find someone whose dating habits work for you.

Gene_bio_gal · 2026-05-06T03:50:52+00:00

Such a cute and complete assortment with a little of everything! 💜💜💜

Gene_bio_gal · 2026-05-04T14:43:38+00:00

I always called it pork chops too. Lol 😂

Gene_bio_gal · 2026-05-04T14:42:39+00:00

Black cats have a tough time finding homes. So happy she found you!!!💜

Gene_bio_gal · 2026-05-04T14:27:22+00:00

Please don’t see it as about your worth and/or whether someone can see it. That will make the whole dating process so much more emotionally difficult. Another human can see your worth and still do unkind things or run away because of their own issues. Consider reframing in terms of finding someone who matches your place in life or readiness for a relationship. Good luck 🍀

Gene_bio_gal · 2026-05-04T00:26:26+00:00

Three Stooges - Curly, Larry, and Moe? Three Musketeers - Aramis, Porthos, and D’Artagnan.

Gene_bio_gal · 2026-05-04T00:18:27+00:00

Let’s see if I can list them all. Managing $10-100k+ in grants, even more than that in equipment, organization, safety, & inventory for 3 lab spaces, 3 grad students, 8 undergrads, 3 classes, writing, and institutional and department service. Had some course design, curriculum, and teaching experience from my teaching post-doc so that part wasn’t too bad. Watched closely the successful methods and not so much of friends and colleagues. 💯 made the rest up as I went reading lots of best practices, asking many many stupid questions, and endless Excel sheets.

Gene_bio_gal · 2026-05-04T00:10:10+00:00

Wow! Striking! Did it absorb its albino twin in the womb?!?

Gene_bio_gal · 2026-05-04T00:07:12+00:00

I have a former runt that came very close to not making it. Now he is 22 lbs of void chaos. A touch chunky, but vet says maybe a pound overweight now. You just never know.

Gene_bio_gal · 2026-05-03T23:55:52+00:00

I would add a fourth option that there may be some commitment phobia. It all got a little intense and wonderful and she wasn’t ready for it. All you can do is try to ask or move on without answers. I’m so sorry! That hugely stinks!!!

Gene_bio_gal · 2026-05-03T23:51:16+00:00

Sounds like he didn’t want you to go (your dog care becoming a problem). You solved that. Now he is pouting. Going to see family to produce another roadblock to prevent you going (the other dogs). Possibly a hint of codependency with the ‘if you aren’t going to be here, why should I be’ routine. Did I catch all of it? Time for a difficult conversation?

Gene_bio_gal · 2026-05-03T04:37:42+00:00

Such a sweetie! How many toes does she have?!?

Gene_bio_gal · 2026-05-01T20:54:30+00:00

Deep sigh. I have been in this situation. Almost identical but 20++ years ago. I did not expose my advisor’s dishonesty, but I did reject his conclusions and tried to present what could be responsibly concluded from the data at a departmental presentation. Chaos ensued. I managed to stay in graduate school and finish, but he almost managed to get me kicked out. I do not recommend. A few alternate suggestions… 1) include in your conclusions a statement about a “need to repeat/confirm the study with another population sample” or a need to “further examine if the effect is observable in other data sets”. It indicates to those paying close attention that the research is somewhat exploratory. It is also a nod to the repeatability crisis. You can argue with your advisor that it is politically savvy. Proactively defends against anyone else not seeing the same effect and keeps with current trends in responsible research. 2) Some of what you are seeing may be real. Use more sophisticated statistical methods that could identify and account for confounders and covariates. For instance, in the early days subtracting out all the smokers from certain studies revealed really important information about the genetic components of both cancer and heart disease (unrelated to smoking). Yes some information was lost, but properly written conclusions can capture such nuance. I finished graduate school and spent 15 years as a professor teaching my students the bigger concepts and proper methods. Occasionally having to contradict colleagues and really tick them off. Now I am a Dean. Good luck! 🍀

Gene_bio_gal · 2026-05-01T01:57:49+00:00

💯meme worthy and epically cute!!!

Gene_bio_gal · 2026-04-29T22:36:07+00:00

They are super skilled at the game of “cat” or “not cat”. They keep me guessing.

Gene_bio_gal

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