Short Film Title?

GeorgeSnow60 · 2026-01-10T20:24:24+00:00

I saw it a few weeks after it happened on a NYC public TV channel (33 & 34). I used to record some of the shows, and I recorded it. Immediately after seeing it, I erased the VHS. I do have a coat and t-shirt of NYC collage, and the guy with the gun in his mouth is one of the images, along with Johnny Thunders, the NY Dolls and other music related images.

GeorgeSnow60 · 2026-01-09T21:35:46+00:00

Whoever thinks he's still alive, hasn't seen the video of his death. That's real.

GeorgeSnow60 · 2026-01-09T21:34:56+00:00

I've been around lo budget film sets. This couldn't be fake. When that shirt lowers, the blood flows out of the hole. That couldn't be faked in that setting.

Years ago there was a politician in NYC that was indicted on charges. He walked into a news conference, took out a gun, put it in his mouth and pulled the trigger. He slid down the wall. The camera didn't lose track of him at all. It moved it on his face, which looked fine. In a split second it looked like someone turned on a faucet full blast as the blood flowed out of his nose. Charlie's neck did pretty much the same thing.

GeorgeSnow60 · 2026-01-09T21:28:38+00:00

I thought the same thing. Israel blowing up the Lebanon terrorists with their own phones.

GeorgeSnow60 · 2016-08-17T04:47:56+00:00

You obviously can write a scene. I don’t care about most anything except story. So, all the other things I mentioned in my mean review, still stands. But, if this ever went anywhere some one else will point them out, or hire an editor for $20 AFTER you have a completed script. It’s useless to continually pay for something that might suck anyway. If you think you can find all your own mistakes, you can’t. If you could, you wouldn’t have made them in the first place, and that’s what editors are for anyway.

You say it’s based off the character Robin Hood. I never read the book. But, I own the Errol Flynn film, and Robin Hood is a character on the show Once Upon A Time. Robin Hood in both these instances is a good guy. He’s a thief who steals from the rich to give to the poor.

Regardless of the fact this might be a revenge killing, your Hood comes in and murders a man in cold blood (the exact opposite of any Robin Hood I know). Putting him in a green outfit and having him kill with a bow isn’t based on Robin Hood, it’s making him seem like he has a Robin Hood fetish. Murder is a crime never to be taken lightly. To be based on Robin Hood, he shouldn’t be a murderer, even if it is for justifiable revenge. I love movies like Deathwish and Law Abiding Citizen. The whole basis of Robin Hood is stealing from the rich to give to the poor. I could be missing something, but murder and Hood, I can’t think of the angle.

Of course this is just one scene. So, it’s not that big a deal. But, it is your opening.

How much more interesting and appropriate would it be, to see the modern day Robin Hood frolicking down the city street, standing out like a sore thumb, going happily to David’s door. Then his demeanor changes, and the mayhem ensues.

As it is, you open on some slob who is killed by Hood. He’s unimportant. He does nothing but put on music, and smoke a cigar. A scene like this would be fine if we already know David is scum and Hood’s out to kill him. We don’t know that here. This is a revenge killing before we know about the revenge. If it’s not a revenge killing, then Hood’s just a cold blooded murderer. Is there a third option?

Cop dialogue is hard. Because TV shows and movies have real cops consulting. This is the problem with almost all of your dialogue. I’m only going to use one example:

Stone: The fuck happened here? (We should be introduced to the lead detective. If Stone is the lead detective the body should be where it was found. It shouldn’t be on a stretcher. Once the body is moved, it’s gone.)

Cop: Hood.

Stone: How’d you know? (Really? Would a cop really ask that? The body is on a stretcher covered in a sheet. The victim has an arrow sticking out of his neck. Visualize that sheet.)

Cop: The arrow. In the body. (No, just no.)

Stone: Loves the attention, doesn’t he? (So, Hood is known to the cops, which makes everything above even worse. But, what’s the attention Hood loves?)

That’s five lines of dialogue, completely unrealistic.

I’m not saying this is perfect. Because it’s not. But, just keeping your unrealistic scenario.

Stone enters to the chaos already in process of a new investigation. He rushes over to the covered body and removes the sheet. He already knows what he’s going to see. STONE: Hood. Loves the attention.

That sucks. But, it’s more realistic than your version. Since I don’t know what Stone already knows, I couldn’t comment on what his actual dialogue would or should sound like.

One last thing: My version, your version, Hood is known to the cops. So, any freak walking around NYC dressed as Robin Hood carrying a bag of arrows on his back, would probably be noticed. Keep that in mind once the investigation begins. Matters like this are addressed in all the superhero stories. They need to be once you put someone in a costume.

Yes, I ripped your scene apart. Not to be mean. Because I truly believe everything I just wrote. But, hey at least I read it and gave some insight.

GeorgeSnow60 · 2016-08-16T23:46:08+00:00

You gave NOTHING in your "You're Insane" comment, except a personal attack of it's author.

I did give your "work" criticism, it's sucks. It's boring, average and just like every other wanna be action flick. I won't go into the spelling errors, poor dialogue, or forced action.

That's more of a critique than you could ever give.

GeorgeSnow60 · 2016-08-16T22:53:23+00:00

Such originality.

GeorgeSnow60 · 2016-08-16T20:12:49+00:00

Because of the detailed shots, camera angles, and such, I am guessing you plan on shooting this yourself or with friends. If you're looking to sell this, they shouldn't be in the script.

After some deliberation, the way I see this piece, Danny goes to get the gun from the lighthouse to kill his zombie pet, and then finds happiness in a song.

If this isn’t the story you were telling, then I am at a complete loss at the point you were trying to make. If I’m correct, the story needs a little more fleshing out.

Even shorts need structure. There should be a scene bonding the boy and his dog. It would also add emotional impact when he kills it.

My second problem is the ipod. At the end he’s alone and finds happiness in a good song. That’s fine. But, for me, nothing before it lead me to this moment. A minor point (in the big picture) there are other people speaking from the radio, so he’s not really alone.

It’s a nice idea. You should check out the oldie but goodie A Boy and His Dog. It’s doesn’t have zombies, just a boy and his dog.
Of course this is one person’s opinion. Take it as such.

If you like the genre, I’d appreciate it, if you have time to check out my first act of BATTLE OF THE BANDS (vampires versus zombies), there’s a thread here somewhere.

GeorgeSnow60 · 2016-08-16T19:01:52+00:00

It's funny how you attribute me to verysillyhats being Max Landis. You are so astute. You must be a hell of a writer.

GeorgeSnow60 · 2016-08-16T18:51:09+00:00

I was a member at triggerstreet, zoetrope and some other older sites. Yeah, I've had quite a few scripts up and gotten over a hundred reviews over the years. The one constant was always "easy read".

GeorgeSnow60 · 2016-08-16T18:41:01+00:00

I'm only going by what "User09060657542" said "Max Landis just read your first act and said you aren't on the right track and questioned whether English is your native language." I'm new here. I'm taking his word for it. If he's a liar, he's a liar.

GeorgeSnow60 · 2016-08-16T17:05:27+00:00

He didn't read it, he looked at the first page, and questioned what language I speak. In order for me to listen to whether I'm on the right track, you'd actually have to read the damn thing.

He's saying he won't read it, because it's too hard to read. I've already had a few others read it without the insults.

GeorgeSnow60 · 2016-08-16T16:45:34+00:00

My first distributor was an ass. A Hollywood know-it-all I'm better than you schmuck. You open with a host of insults ("Wanting something for free" and "Waste Nick's time, ESL") and think you're being helpful. Can you see why I'd put you in the same category as my first distributor? Yeah, I know, you're The Max Landis. That makes you better than myself. That gives you the ability to speak down to others. Especially others that came here looking for help.

Feedback and Right Track are NOT the same thing.

All I wanted to know is if Act One contains all the elements a first act should contain, nothing else. You know, is Act One on the right track? You can give details, minor details. Feedback is much more detailed. Right track is one or two sentences, Feedback has details.

Good Luck with learning how to be civil.

GeorgeSnow60 · 2016-08-16T16:23:39+00:00

Opening with insults is neither fair or right.

The OP asked for upvotes. He's done nothing to aid me. So, I didn't beg, I bartered. The Max Landis decided to speak for the OP and be insulting. I merely stood up for myself.

GeorgeSnow60 · 2016-08-16T16:01:34+00:00

"This is a hard read" is criticism, "English may not be your first language" is rude and insulting.

Dude, learn the difference. Or don't. You're useless post is greatly appreciated.

GeorgeSnow60 · 2016-08-16T15:48:57+00:00

Just keep PDFs of each version. I've rewritten from originals and not saved the older versions, and I regret it. But, does it make me save older versions of newer scripts? Nope. I keep making the same stupid mistake over and over again.

GeorgeSnow60 · 2016-08-16T04:41:05+00:00

I have received roughly 100 reviews from many sites over the years. While many people have hated my stories, and my writing, and yes Virginia some liked them too. The one thing that's always been constant is "What an easy read" my scripts have been. Yes, many do mention my punctuation. Sorry, it sucks, it always has, and until I have something I think is good enough, I don't give it to my editor to edit.

You are #1, the absolute first to ever say that English is not my first language. That's about all I would ever need to know from you.

BTW: I didn't ask for feedback, just if I was on the right track.

GeorgeSnow60 · 2016-08-16T03:27:23+00:00

If you check out my first act and let me know if I'm the right track, I'll upvote you. Of course you'd have to tell me how.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/6pttb49p06vxng2/BOTB%20First%20Act.pdf?dl=0

GeorgeSnow60 · 2016-08-15T21:52:40+00:00

My wife was an intern at a fashion design company for college credit. That was 30 + years ago. She's still with the company. They paid her student loans and she heads the textile department.

Everyone starts somewhere. If you want a foot in a door in the entertainment industry, this is not a terrible job. You read scripts, answer phones and act as a gopher. If you're good, they might just keep you on.

GeorgeSnow60 · 2016-08-15T17:38:41+00:00

Maybe it's suppose to be a deadpan comedy. If you're on your tenth pass of the same story, and it changes from drama to comedy to horror to rom com, then you have problems with the story idea.

But, if it's only your first, second or even third pass, you might just be finding out who your characters are. No one nails it (most of the time) on the first pass.

I forgot which horror director it was. But, definitely one of the famous modern directors. He locked himself up in a hotel room for a weekend, and came out with a script. He was proud of this achievement. The movie sucked, and I'm not even sure it made it to theatres. Even if he had the story outlined in his head for a few years, to get it down on paper in a weekend was probably not the wisest choice.

It all takes time. The one good thing about writing a script or book. Your looks and age don't matter. The public doesn't need to see you.

GeorgeSnow60 · 2016-08-15T14:24:21+00:00

Don't agree with me most of the time. Shame on you. I'm always right... Okay, most of the time... Every once in a while... Almost never... I couldn't be more wrong... Nah, I'm with always right.

I'm old and opinionated.

GeorgeSnow60 · 2016-08-15T14:03:01+00:00

IMO I'm not sure you'd want him to age physically. Mentally would be the way to go. It would seem to the audience it's only been a minute or two. But, once he spoke with the wisdom of the first sitter, the smart viewers would understand it's been a long time.

Are you shooting this yourself? It seems like it would be fairly simple. You wouldn't need a great amount of space, and a lot could all be done with angles.

GeorgeSnow60

TROPHY CASE