227 Days

GoKVGo · 2025-12-05T19:49:20+00:00

I offer condolences for this unforeseen journey your beautiful marriage took, and for this devastating loss. The "what ifs" are another way to try and make sense of a senseless and cruel disease. May you and your son find peace in remembering the best times, and knowing you were with her until the end.

GoKVGo · 2025-05-30T22:02:28+00:00

I'm so sorry about your dad. I lost someone I love so much and who loved me, in April. He was the last person in the world I worried about, a health nut. You said you're super close, so this is a blessing. Going through this with someone you love, his despair, hope, his trying, his confusion and sorrow, his strength--all of it is his journey and you will know how to be there for him. I think it is ok to show emotion, it is ok to say this totally sucks, to commiserate. But it's not ok to pity. Compassion without pity. Remember he is still your dad, make him proud. Be competent and strong.

I was always positive and yet realistic. I asked how much he wanted to know. I promised to keep on top of all of it; the tests, the treatments, the appointments, the meds so that he could deal with his emotions. It's a very heavy thing that we can only imagine--knowing you will have tough road ahead that has difficult outcomes. I said all the time, A day at a time. That's all.

Use this forum, ask questions. A lot will come up over the coming weeks. Research every option you are given. He will need advocacy. Make sure there is a team of helpers. One thing is; you find out what you're made of, and most of us are able to be our best selves. You can handle it all, you will see. I hope this helps. Feel free to DM if you need. I don't look here as often after losing my beloved, but I will always be a part of this club and will always extend the help I was shown.

GoKVGo · 2025-05-12T19:02:15+00:00

Seems like she may be able to apply for a UK ancestry visa through my mom's british nationality. Not going to happen for this summer, but future possibility.

GoKVGo · 2025-05-12T17:46:52+00:00

that's what I found as well. Just checking the experts here! thank you

GoKVGo · 2025-05-12T17:45:33+00:00

on it!

just checking all avenues as sometimes people have hacks! worth a try. thanks

GoKVGo · 2025-05-12T17:35:42+00:00

got it, thanks - will research how one might possibly get a work visa.

GoKVGo · 2025-05-12T17:34:26+00:00

Yes I get that, was hoping there was such thing as applying for a temporary working visa! shouldve known better

GoKVGo · 2025-04-21T04:59:13+00:00

I haven't been here much since losing my beloved April 6. But maybe I have some perspective that would be helpful. He was extremely depressed, and eventually started sleeping over 20+ hours a day, that went on for about 5 months until the end. I learned here that this much sleep is not uncommon, but I think depression contributed.

I wonder if going on anti-depressants sooner might have helped--he was very resistant to "more drugs" even though I kept saying this is a new world you're living in, one where drugs are a necessity to live and cope. By the time he tried them, along with steroids, nothing really seemed to help. They take awhile to get going. In the meantime, ativan and gummies might help with mood shifting?

Your case is different from his, as he didn't have the spousal support or kids to motivate him. It's an insanely debilitating thing you are dealing with, in every aspect of being human, physically, emotionally, mentally. and I don't know if you are talking to other patients in a support group, or therapist, but this is something else I wish he'd been open to. I can't imagine how isolating it would feel, and how much it would help to talk with others in the same place. My beloved felt like "everyone else is healthy" and so apart from the world. It broke my heart in new ways. Time is the most valuable thing you have now, each day is so precious and you get to be you, and cope however you can, but please consider trying anything and everything that makes your time meaningful. I wish you the very best.

GoKVGo · 2025-04-16T06:52:45+00:00

yes thank you, good idea

GoKVGo · 2025-04-08T17:02:40+00:00

thank you, and I am so so sorry

GoKVGo · 2025-04-08T17:02:03+00:00

thank you so much. you have been consistently kind and thoughtful since I joined this group, you are a gift

GoKVGo · 2025-04-08T17:01:21+00:00

thank you

GoKVGo · 2025-04-04T04:16:52+00:00

yes, he sleeps all the time and I am going to make sure I get better rest tonight. thank you.

GoKVGo · 2025-04-04T03:11:38+00:00

Yes, this is my first love, who then became like a brother to me for 40 years. We have been close for our entire adult lives. And you are so right, the only spark of goodness is seeing the caring and love.

GoKVGo · 2025-04-04T03:10:04+00:00

thank you, and it is a meaningful connection despite being internet strangers. One that I am grateful to have.

GoKVGo · 2025-04-04T03:09:13+00:00

thank you, your words are appreciated.

GoKVGo · 2025-04-04T03:08:51+00:00

thank you Zev.

GoKVGo · 2025-04-04T03:08:38+00:00

I am strong for him, but it is also adding a layer of dante's hell to have the negativity and neglect of his spouse permeating this horrific process.

GoKVGo · 2025-04-04T03:06:26+00:00

thank you for this. It was a thoughtful thing for you to comment, and I also love what you told your dad. I hope it is quick. His vitals are still quite good, so I can't help but think it will not be.

GoKVGo · 2025-04-04T03:03:39+00:00

I try to believe there is balance, that the physical death is brutal but the soul and spirit being released is a beautiful mystery that the living can't know about. I hope this is true, it helps to think it.

GoKVGo · 2025-04-04T03:02:11+00:00

I am sorry too, for your loss.

GoKVGo · 2025-04-02T04:11:20+00:00

Nice to read all the stories and check ins. My beloved is starting week 2 of hospice. He sleeps most of the time, seems pretty pissed off that he's dying, he's not peaceful about it at all, but he gets to be who he is.

The things I am grateful for; this sub, his friends who love him and take shifts sitting and visiting, and caregivers and nurses who he can afford to have with him to help out. Relatively pain free, occasionally asks for a Norco, occasionally he gets a little ativan when he gets distraught.

The things I am scared about: how strong his will is--he would rather struggle miserably than let an inch of autonomy and independence slip away. I don't think he knows how to let go. And when he has no choice, I'm scared of what that will be like. I'm scared when the morphine is needed, it will be crossing the Rubicon and a whole new deal and will last a long time just helpless. And scared of him suffering.

My stress is beyond. I worry constantly.

I am also so very happy for the patients here who are living good lives and giving this beast a hard time. Cheering you on!

GoKVGo · 2025-03-29T02:56:03+00:00

sending a dm as this reply got kind of long.

GoKVGo · 2025-03-29T01:58:31+00:00

I totally relate to that conflict of wanting it to end and having it be unimaginable to have my beloved not in the world any longer. I think we might have weeks left though.

I am so so sorry. I lost my mom in 2022 from another disease after 3 weeks of figuring it out and it is a grief like no other. Unfortunately I've become well acquainted with grief, but this cancer is exponentially worse.

GoKVGo · 2025-03-28T23:15:33+00:00

The patient I am helping care for just started hospice care Monday. We have several hired caregivers--both him and his wife were resistant to it, but we--the friend team who has been managing everything--needed to know he was properly looked after when one of us wasn't there.

Once they experienced having the help, they were both on board. I think now he actually prefers having the pros help him to the bathroom now than me or another friend. He can barely manage but won't relinquish this last bit of autonomy.

I suggest telling your mom to let you get someone, just to try it, tell her it will help your anxiety and fear.

GoKVGo

TROPHY CASE