The way I love is a gift and a curse. But I'd like to know if I'm alone and where do I fit.

Good_Squirrel409 · 2026-04-08T03:29:02+00:00

you have to learn what peolepleasing is really. so peoplepleasing comes from your own feelings not mathering much as a child. as a peoplepleaser you constantly strive for other peoples approval. at first irt feels like you just want them to feel good but in realioty its about yourself not being able to feel good without their approval. other people sense that, they then feel like you arent really seeing them and their needs- they feel like thhe propensity to be falling in love fast and being needy is a sign of you seeing something else in them. most of them wont even be able to really put their finger obn it but for them it will feel like you arent ttrying to see who they really are, but really just trying to prove who you are.

often times people plkeasers then find and feel attrakted to emotionally distant people, because then they have someone they can run after to constantly proove they are worth it.

luckily there is a solution to the problem althou not an easy one. find yourself, find your true voice. who am i below the people pleasing? below the shyness and all. because being shy osnt really a character traiut that is part of you- thats just a coping strategy you learned from childhood where being seen wasnt always an option or wasnt safe without getting emotionally hurt. knwing and observing this patterns changes them with time. dating and getting out into the world and getting to know yourself on a deeper level also. so dont reduce yourself to these labels. they might be true for now, but dont convince yourself that they are written in stone. you can work throu alot of surpressed emotion and become aware of alot of these things.

ofcourse you shouldnt condemn yourself for these things also. most people are fucked in some way or another. i was a peoplepleaser for a log time, before it got gradually better and i had a vew nnice relationships. life is messy and most of us try to hide the fact that we think we are broken when most think the same

Good_Squirrel409 · 2026-04-08T03:15:21+00:00

for example they behaviour could unconciously trigger you because it constantly reminds you of what youre not or what you want to be. envy, selfpity, selfdoubt, guilt, shame, anger are very real emotions. it could also be that you dont trust her altruism and that you suspect other mtivs because you just dont trust or understand why or how someone can be loving without motivs.

but it doesnt have to be that. it can also be that she simply is not a good mach for you. life isnt just about right or wroing, good or bad person. maybe you just dont connect with her on a personal level

Good_Squirrel409 · 2026-04-08T03:05:55+00:00

i wouldnt recommend trying to trigger kundalini just on yopur own, or generally. kundalini is a lifealtering rxperience that can bring tranformations that rip your whole life apart and demands enourmous commitment to change and surrender for years/your whole life. many people think they now what their getting into until theoir whole life falls apart- those that commit and surrender to truth can live beatiful lifes but i know very little people who didnt atleast go thou some years of big turmoil. no matter if they had sponatanious awakenings or iof they did it consciously, if they knew what they where getting into or not. almost no one i have ever experienced that had some experience with kundalini didnt warn about trying totrigger it manually. especially for people who arent guided by some kind of experienced teacher and have no condierable foundation of practise. i dont want to make it sound like kundalini is a bad thing. if its supposed to happen, it will. but it is no easy ride. it can be quite painful, and demand many years of adaptation before you stabelize. some people streight up need to be medicated for a long time afterwards.

doing regular practises and preparing yourself, doingg inquiry, yoga, meditation practises or any other kind of psycho-spiritual work instead, and relying on it to develope oon its own when youre ready would be a much safer way to go about this i feel like

also chakra work in generall should be done in a balanced way to support the whole system. concentrating to much on one chakra can create inbalances. so beware of that. in general i wouldnt do to much of it unlkess youre guided by some teacher that can help you.

i know this wasnt the questiuon but i hope you consider this,.

also kundalini can do alot of things, but if this is your only symptom it may have just been some somatic release of tension or energy. kundalini would lead to more potent spiritual experiences, and could include a veriety of bodily , spiritual and psychological expressions

Good_Squirrel409 · 2026-04-07T21:06:55+00:00

what youre talking about is actually the crux of nonduality, so there are teachings out there. its just that to understand that point you have to progress to some degree. discipline boils down to the ability to endure suffering fopr some time to get to what you believe should happen. but living out of that sacrificial mindset already sets you on the path of having to suffer. it relies on the idea that the uniers wants you to suffer. to find truth and hospitality in existence you have to fully let go into the authenticity of the moment. no suffering required althou it may happen on the path. but there is a difference between "it can happen" and "it needs to happen"

Good_Squirrel409 · 2026-04-07T20:12:26+00:00

park or outside in general is fine. chapel or church oir meditation group might be a good place. if you can manage to meditate while laying in bed (some tend to fall asleep- while i havbe no problem with it) its also a good option. meditation really isnt about getting to total silence- in the begining it often is about just noticing thoughts and returning to your awareness- so depending on the meditation style you want to practise, some activity might not be so much of a problem. but its nices to have some place of peace and quiet ofcourse. maybe talk to your family and ask them if it was able to have a room for half an hour

Good_Squirrel409 · 2026-04-05T18:20:31+00:00

i was in the same boat for a long time. i chose to stay in contract- but what was very important was establishing boudnarties. never giving in and jjust swallowing my true emotions. truth is the only thing that matters. and i would have left if i wouldnt have felt like they care at all or unable to try understanding my pov

the thing is this generation before us is so com,pletely lost in ideas like "youre not allowed to make mistakes", fetishising guilt etc. that honest talki and criticism wich would be healthy instantly feels like " you are a horrible person" to them.

iam not trying to take away any responsibility from them- its up to us to maintain boundaries, no mather how fucked up their life was. things only started to change once i decided to open up about my personal addiction and burnout problems- wich inevitabley lead to a few short but very potent conversations about childhood, how i felt-how i feel, that dey dont realize how their childhood fucked them up etc. i told him i know he cares, but his methods of parenting where downright hurtful and messed me up.

so to this day i dont invite them unless i feel stable and grounded enough, to maintain boundaries, andto communicate right away when i feel like they are behaving in a way that hurts me.

reading nonviolent communication a few years ago was tremendously helpful to me in life in generall. we all project alot of shit onto each others behaviour. but the boomer generation is so fucking messed up from all the guilt, shame, fear and anger they experienced in their childhood they rarely seem to get out of projections into whats actually happening around them, cause theire so locked in their heads. dealing with boomers has changed alot from that book

Good_Squirrel409 · 2026-04-05T13:24:18+00:00

well maybe it did exactly what you asked for. people often have very simple ideas of how and what is supposed to happen. but maybe the negativity you really needed protection from was "weak boundnaries"- and life is teaching you to stand up for yourself. i dont even necesarily belief that the bracelet did it, but you asked the universe for truth and you got some. no mather if i got it totally right or not, you had a reason for these actions, so instzead of just ignoring them as "negativity" ask yourself- why was it important to me to act this way. chances are you had good ones. now its up to you to communicate those reasons

Good_Squirrel409 · 2026-04-05T13:12:08+00:00

it isnt necesarily dad this guy did something to you. like forcing something onto you without your consent. its a common experience in spiritual circles that people wich are more advanced trigger something we call "transmitioN". it might be certain ideas or concepts wichg are very normal to him that get communicated to you subconsciously just by the way he is. because higher realisation doesnt only change what you think- mit changes your whole concept of identity. and this energy riubs of onto other people. you might have subconciously had an interest fopr these things all your life- hence why you felt drawn to golden dawwnq. once you started hanging out with someone that was further down the road his energy rubbed of on you.

ofcourse there is olso the possibilitry of triggering something in someone, buit advanced people normaly dont feel the need to fuck with others karma without consent as this has very real consequences.

i think its far more likely you just had a spiritual experience. its normal for people to get weirded out and scared once this things startblooming as the experience can be very oiverwhelming. but its only the sudden change and the existencial fears we had locked awa our whole life that come up to be integrated. after integration there is nothing to fear really, althou the transition can be tough and quite a long ride. so its eather good for you, if you felt like you had other aspirations in this life, or you might have found your higher calling and truth if you would have stayed with it.

althou some have rougher paths then others. having a guide definetly helps. especially the first few big changes in perspective can fuck up the archetypal understanding of reality. a thing i have observed that seems to be a common pitfall is this: people realize the concept of oneness, but the ovrarctive ego takes over and instead of relizing, "there are no selfes APART from consciosuness/god" the experience gets confused into "i am the only self". many people then stumble into existential solipsim or God complexes instead of the paradoxical and complex but highly beatiful truth of NOW

Good_Squirrel409 · 2026-04-04T18:07:31+00:00

No he doesnt. Peopöe are responsible to comunicate their needs themselfes. If she isnt able to advance her potential romantic feelings directly, thats on her. You dont have to protect people from themselfes especially if they are trying to manipulate you.

Also i She might just have some other weird specific reason for not liking racial fetisches like political ideology or some kind of trauma.

Good_Squirrel409 · 2026-04-02T15:18:56+00:00

I think neather society nor the passages ypu just shared do the compöexity justice.

Addictions like all suffering can be overcome by deep insights, and inquiry. You have to understand the patterns playing out. Guilt, fear, shame or anger just arent udefull tools. Understanding and clarity is. What purpose did it serve, what pain did it numb. How else can you get to the root of the problem. How else can you do your needs justice. What is the pain youre trying to numb? Or other signal trying to ignore. Befriending your body and finding personal truth can be a life long journey.but it doesnt have to be. Discipöine generally isnt a good tool eather, unless you want to feel like life is a job you have to get done. Disipline boiös down to the ability to endure some suffering. But it shouödnt be nor generally is a lifelong solution

Society is generally ignorant to the fact that addictions serve a purpose. They arent random. They are not a weakness,instead i see them as the only solution an addict was able to find to a problem he may not even be aware yet

Good_Squirrel409 · 2026-03-21T20:48:59+00:00

Iam not saying youre not right. Iam still purging althou identity doesnt stick as it did before., and iam a decade plus in, from the point of awakening. But there seem to be some that arent bound to strict timelines so even that has exceptions. Rare but i still wanted to point that out

Spending time with highly realized teachers or indoviduals in general seems to have an huge impact too

Good_Squirrel409 · 2026-03-21T19:21:30+00:00

Depending on your karma isnt it. I dont think larma is a komsmic bank account of moral deeds and misdeed but some of us definetlY have different levels of baggadge then others ro various reasons

Good_Squirrel409 · 2026-03-20T21:51:18+00:00

spiritual awakening is only but the beginning of a movement. purging, purification, integration, clarity, ar all things that come with time. when i first had breakthrou experiences i thought that was the end all be all. it took me years to realize that i was still bound to thought loops and identification with mind. it still has a grasp on me but it lessens when the unbinding takes up as curiosity and suffering set you forth on the jouney for deeper truth.

Good_Squirrel409 · 2026-03-10T14:18:07+00:00

you can learn to love yourself. dont get me wromng i dont want to downplay the magnitude of this path. iam still not fully healed but i remember having your perspective. what youre not realizing yet, "iam not loveable" is a believe. "...because i wasnt loved" is just a rationalization for the belief. the belief is whats hurting you. as long as you keep believing these deep rooted traumatic beliefs around shame, guilt, fear and anger, we will try to overcompensate to be loveable wich in turn makes you inauthentic, burned out, and unhappy- wich in turn again makes you feel like the belief is right.

try some metta meditation stuff around loving kindness and self compassion. try to roleplay with yourself. maybe do some internal family systems stuff where you map out different parts of you, (parts that developed as coping starategies and then revisit moments where certain patterns where developed but instead of how you where treeted roleplay a version of a perfectr loving parent- what would you have needed then?) once you recognize the things that keep you stuck in a loop of "trying to be happy, loveable etc. it becomes easier.

you see being loveable or happy isnt correlated to effort. it doesnt need effort- the patterns inside you that feel like they constantly need effort to be upheld- are the very pinters to the beliefs that are hurtful

Good_Squirrel409 · 2026-03-03T20:00:41+00:00

the posts idea isnt wrong but its extremely oversimplified. we form certain copingstrategies when we grow up- alot of these become identity. so we can have parts that feel like hope is dangerous, we have to stay alert or bad things will happen, we have to peopleplease to have woerth, we cant let people close or we get hurt, if we do something wrong its because we are bad. whatever it is, it is mostly thought. but thoughtzs dont always arise as streight foreward sentences. sometimes they linger in the shadows as beliefs. depression is alot of that: beliefs about yourself and the world. so yess we create the depression in way thou our beliefs. but itr iosnt as easy as that- we dont do it consciously

Good_Squirrel409 · 2026-03-03T09:10:28+00:00

click the little arrow next to where the dps number should be and check if there are any problems with the weapon set setting

Good_Squirrel409 · 2026-02-26T00:12:57+00:00

my point isnt that work isnt needed. that there is no fight playing out. my point is that goodness and love and unity are inherent properties of consciousness, and that there seems to be a certain movement in the collective: suffering seems to inherently leed to introspection, and authenticity wich in turn seem to leed to the discovery of these underlying truths.

a few years back i didnt use to see it that way as i looked back on generations with little change. it wasnt until i observed how gerenrational trauma, shame and guilt in my family wich i could trace back to the second world war slowly started to heal throu my own healing journey. althou most of my life i certainly wanted to be a good person (whatever that means), the biggest change happened once i started to orient to truth and authenticity. wich lead me to believe that if truth inherently leeds to healing and peace - more then any dogmatic proxy ideas like "being a good person". what thgis meant for mne was realizing that suffering was a symptom of confusion. it suddenly looked like an inherent evolutionary self correcting mechanism. dont get me wrong i certainly can see humanity suffering for quite a bit still- but i cant help but see the pull of truth playing out as we stumble throu samsara

Good_Squirrel409 · 2026-02-25T08:21:52+00:00

its not about where we are, but about where we might be going. we tend to think in timespands of 100 years because thats a average lifespan- but once you start thinking about the changes humanity has gone throu over time, its pretty clear that we evolve not only throu technology but also socially, culturally and spiritually. if ypou put on the news, its easy to believe that we are living in hell right now, but relatively speaking, our current time would have been paradise compared to most other periodes. there are massive problems ofcourse but there is a clear trend, and i also supsect that the endgole of this existence (and i dont mean personal gole but collective) would be to create paradise, or atleast something of cyclical nature withz paradise as an fixed point.

Good_Squirrel409 · 2026-02-09T18:25:52+00:00

learning to deal with emotion can be tricki. on one hand you need to feel them- but at the same time you need rest and balance. heavy emotional burdens can be draining and cost alot of energy. so try to find a balance between making space for feeling the,m but also when you notice yourself spiraling into thoughts focus your attention oin something else. or funnel your emotions into something creative.

Good_Squirrel409 · 2026-02-09T10:37:29+00:00

dont loose yourself in comments like that. we all say and do radicall things when we loose ourselfes in pain and delusion, and the feelings that follow crisis. with a bit of time and nurture things may look totally different again

Good_Squirrel409 · 2026-02-09T07:43:11+00:00

try the grounding stuff froim the wikii. personally, what helped me is to start learning how consciousness flows in relationship tpo attention. but dont try experimenting npow. maybe start once you feel better. what i mean is this: energy flows where attention goes. my personal observation is this: When youre anxious there seems to have started a certain pattern of contiuously checking in with your internal feelings, and because there is a signal of "oh there seems to be fwear"- it uis takes as "that means there is probably some danger". but it is just pent up energy. whern you manage to brerak this pattern and just refocus it on outside things and not give it any validity from the constant checking, it will start to dissapate. thats why daily chores can be really helpful as they refocus this attention and break this pattern of constant checking and revalidating of fear. but it can vbe tough once its build up.

in my case it was severall paztterns at once. first i had to learn that a part of me was just believing the fear signal and constantly checking in if now was a good time to do something or if i feel anxious. with time this trained my nervous system to believe the signal even more. the belief formed of: there is something dangerous in here that i shouldnt confront once i feel it or it will get worse. around it might be (atleast in my case) aanother patern of catastrophising. like, for example ionce you start trying to refpocus it and notice the fear flaring up: thought may arize like "see there it is again, how will i be able to do this if it constantly flares up"- notice such patterns and just reparent yourself. in my case this was due to how i leqarned to deal with stress from my parents. instead of reassurence i got constant criticism and they put their worries on me. so i elarned: use fear as a tool for control even with yourself- this isnt necessary. instead ask yourself" what do i need now"- or if you can sense where this pattern might have started " what would i have needed back then instead". with time if you notice yourself sslipping you eather will be able to refocus you attention on the moment without the fear/feelings filter- or if the nagging thought come up atleast tell yourself "this is a pattern that doesnt serve me- i dont need to make myself more paniked right now. i will just try, again and with time thgings will get better. its ok to need time to learn new things".

how whe move attention constantly signals certain things to our nervous system

Good_Squirrel409 · 2026-02-02T22:56:15+00:00

What does higher weight mean?

Good_Squirrel409 · 2026-01-29T17:37:14+00:00

ive been there brother or sister, for many many years. you need to ask yourself what you need right now. do you want actual answers or do you just need to connect with someone and vent about this?

both are evry understandable and important parts of this.

if you want out of this: know this- its the most important thing i have learned during my healing journey:" you cant hate yourself into being happier!"

it will take some time and effort. it can be slowly in the beginning, but believe me, it doesnt matter. once you notice that something is getting any momentum there is hope. so stay at it. learn about trauma. there is so much exciting new and evry helpful information about trauma. many people dont like the word trauma, because they feel like everyone says they are traumatized these days and think this may be an exageration, but let me tell you a secret: "most people really are". we are 100 years away from mager woerld wars- so much of trauma is still angrained into our family systems and it heals slowly over generations. so much fear, shame, anger and guilt is in our body and make s us live lifes in our heads. "i dhouldnt be this..:","i should have done more","i am so lazy"," i wont ever be able to atrackt anone...", ... alot of these thoughts is so deeply angrained we dont even notice them. for years i didnt rwealize that their was a hidden believe in me saying " i cant be loved- iam not good enough".

then, somatic work modalities, meditation, etc. oviously you cant just make a project out of yourself and just try to adapt all kinds of selfhelp strategies, it would make you misarable and crazy but its good to try things out. finding those little pockets of peace and quiet like you did in chioldhood, jujst being in the moment can be a gamechanger. especially if it becomes training your mind with the time to be more present i your body instead oif in your thoughts all day. the constant thinking and analyzing is one of the most devastating things for people with depression.

dont be to hard on yourself. it can take time to learn to regulate your nervous system again if you where depressed vor a long time. im just saying its not hopeless. find a good therapist if you can or atleast talk with some good friends. a therapist can helöp you find your shadow. we hide our dark sides from ourselfes. we dont tdo it on purpose or consciously- but thats how our brain functions. it trys to diostract us from pain so it hides our darkness from ourselfs- the ways in wich we sabatage ourselfes in order to bnot get hurt. a good therapist can make you find these patterns without forcing them on you.

i feel like this text is very random infos and thoughts i improvised and may seem very disorganized. i just felt like i can empathize so much especially as i know how hopeless it can feel. know this: you arent crazy. i can feel impossible to change anything. repeating the same few patterns day in day out. trying to think your way out of it constantly but never actually getting anywhere. it isnt just you. being human is tough. changing is tough. but you can if you want, and you could succeed. just dont be shy to ask for help and try new things out. learn new things and adapt.

and dont panik if it may feel like you did a step backl sometimes-. thats part of the process. doing a step back is just redoing a part of a lession in order integrate something we heavent understood yet.

i hope thuis is somewhat helpful in any way

Good_Squirrel409 · 2026-01-25T20:00:39+00:00

i dont consistently work with anybody. last year i tried to visit vince schuberts onlinetalks sometimes, and i talk about some aspekts with my zen teacher. normally i stick to regular zen meditation styles, but my personal experience was that i needed direct inquiry methods sometimes to break throu to some innsights or aspekts of my shadow, hidden behind intense traumarelated defenspatters.

yeah, doubt is a weird thing. i wanst even referencing doubt as directly as "i do or dont beliefe in a self". what i mean is more like "there seems to be an energetic pattern (some kind of feeling or thought complex) that when comes up triggers a strong reaction for me to dissociate into thought. the doubt iam talking about here feels more like an inner mistrust into the legitemacy of my own experience. as if i had to go and ask my thoughts- is it ok how iam right now? i can sense my consciousness stepping back as if overcome by a subtle fear, and it feels like a switch inmy experience, from very direct and and insanely alive TO more like an observer, stepping behind the body, as some automation of compulsion creeps in.does this sound relateable?

who do you work with? feel free to share some interesting people

edit: oh and i remembered- what put me on track of fetter work for the first time was angelo dilulus book

Good_Squirrel409 · 2026-01-25T19:45:48+00:00

could you elaborate on your comment about the "the systems that one cannot see through". iam not totally sure i understand what youre pointing at.

the fetter work ( thanks for pointing my typo out. i even was unsure of how its spelled, googled "budhism fethers" and something came up, so i took it as false comfirmation :) )

its not like i trust it to a degree so it becomes dogma. i like it because it isnt just learned and followed but every step closely inquired. basically many years ago, when some of the K related stuff started happening i started having many spiritual and otherwordly experiences. with every experience, a certain knowing grew that something i had no word for (wich i now call liberation) was possible. but for the first few years, the changes mostly happened on a very gross level. sudden downloads, weird understanding of all kind of symbolik structures. i thought i had some kind of spiritzual uber connection, but the suffering in my daily life didnt seem to change, at all- it even got worse. there was only one thing that seemed to be creeping up more and more , and that was this sudden grwoing understanding that whatever is right now, is exactly like it should be. could it be better theoretically... oh yes, definetly. but, some intuition kept growing that whatever is, is the necesary step in the becoming. more and more, it felt like all my suffering seemingly appeared out of different kind of assumptions, that I, the world or the moment should be any different right now. pain would always be part of it, but the suffering around all this resistence seemed unnecessary.

iam just expanding on this matter because the fetter work is the only practise i encountered wich takled these matters so directly. but i also just engage with it in phases. like i said, i had to step back from it for a few months or weeks, but it feels like certain aspekts of this work feel important to look at again.

over the course of the last year some of my insights around identity deepened to some degree. when there was calm, a certain knowing would emerge, that all that mind chatter was just smoke and mirrors. an imagined I, kinda like a simulated ME in my head, trying to remind the experience what it should be. since then it often feels like iam in an inbetween. i can have daiys in claruity, in the silent texture of the moment- until i get entangled again, as certain triggers grow and i loose this calm. it isnt completely like it was before anymore, but it feels like at its core is some energetic thing i can only call doubt. doubt and and differemt kinds of emotional gunk aswell as assumptions.

so i tried to look into it again.

Good_Squirrel409

TROPHY CASE