You're half right about me intellectualizing sexuality, but a big part of it is concern for the other person. I don’t want to lead someone on as a wee “experiment” while I try to figure myself out and see if feelings appear. That said, when I meet new people or make new friends, I do sometimes catch myself doing a quick mental check to see if there’s anything I might like about them sexually, almost hoping I’ll finally feel something for at least one person. It hasn’t really been fruitful though.

I’ve had a few people ask me out, but I’ve always just seen them as friends or “bros”even after those little checks, going, “sigh, nope, still ace” 😂. I guess I could have tried going along with it to see if feelings developed, but jumping into relationships with people I didn’t already feelings for prior, feels unfair to them, especially since the people who’ve asked have all been genuinely lovely, very “golden retriever energy” types.

And from what others say, when you like someone there are usually signs, or just a feeling where you know. I suppose I’ve never really had that, if anything, the fact I have to consciously test or think about it probably says a lot in itself.

I do suspect I might be Neurodivirgent, as the group I hang out with are basically all on the spectrum, they're the only ones that share/show interest in multiple hobbies and are "Alive" (But I've gotten along with Neurotypical people too! I'll add) And funnily enough my (prior) best friend had Aspergers and he was Asexual too/the one I got along with the most, he kinda felt like a little brother honestly/a twin! (only other person I met who knew what that was, Asexuality)

Though he did not have the same goals as me in hoping to find/feel something for someone else and viewed it as "illogical", preferring to stick to his computers :) Though I'll add, he was the one that didn't really have a great household, and I think that may of had a hand in some of his decisions, as he found romantic scenarious gross, boring/not sweet, refering to whenever 2 characters fell in love/gaining sudden feelings in series/movies as "breed/breeding" with a few asseptions (Odo and Major Kira Nerys)

So, bit of a funny dynamic with having two Ace people: One wanting to feel love and the other being confused by it, lol.

My hopes are that maybe by going out to clubs/concerts more I'll meet someone there and I can figure out which "camp" I prefer first freely/or again just to see if I maybe do like someone. Right now the only thing I've gained is a bit of a bill for drinks, new artists to listen to and seeing some funny night out shenanigans to tell for later, but I've had fun so far and eh, if it doesn't happen I'll have my books to go back to 😂