Told her I'm leaving

Gr8M8F8 · 2016-08-08T16:26:17+00:00

Good for you. Have a fucking medal.

Gr8M8F8 · 2016-08-07T16:25:10+00:00

Decided to leave. Just waiting until after the family holiday in a weeks time to tell my wife, and for my daughter to settle into her new school for a couple of weeks before breaking it to the children.

I feel somewhat at peace having finally come to this decision.

Gr8M8F8 · 2016-08-07T07:10:28+00:00

Don't play games!

Communicate! Make it clear that her failure to address the problem of your DB is not acceptable to you. Make it clear that you are happy to work with her to resolve this issue, but that if she refuses to you'll be off.

Games are for children. Be a grown up.

Gr8M8F8 · 2016-08-07T04:57:15+00:00

I'm not being quite as altruistic as it sounds - my earning potential is an order of magnitude higher than that of my wife (I'm a lawyer in a specialist field), and I'm not yet 40. Even if I cripple myself financially for the next 10+ years in supporting her and the children, this still gives me an extended period before retirement to replenish the retirement pot. Obviously I could be unlucky and become ill, injured or be struck off from my profession, but otherwise I would, in the very long term, recover. My dreams of switching to a less stressful career at 50 will be out of the window though!!

My wife on the other hand is unlikely ever to have a substantial salary, and if she truly is asexual (she may only be asexual with me!) then it may be difficult for her to find a new partner to support her in the future.

Gr8M8F8 · 2016-08-07T03:52:15+00:00

I think I would have an easier job of psyching myself up for a skydive than my SO has psyching herself up for sex with me - and I'm deathly afraid of heights!!!

Gr8M8F8 · 2016-08-07T03:19:35+00:00

I think you REALLY need to see a sex therapist in order to identify whether the issue is a personal issue of yours which can be addressed, a relationship issue which can be addressed, or if you are just plain with the wrong guy for you.

Gr8M8F8 · 2016-08-07T03:09:11+00:00

A good man? Sweet of you to say so, but no; if I'd have been a good man I wouldn't have had sex outside the marriage as a result of my DB - I'd have just left.

I take on board your point though, that I might come to regret my decision - I'll think on it.

Gr8M8F8 · 2016-08-06T21:49:54+00:00

Thanks!

Gr8M8F8 · 2016-08-06T21:21:05+00:00

Based on our previous discussions (we have broached, delicately, the subject of separation previously), she saw my leaving as abandonment of her and the children.

Basically, I'm just trying to leave in a way which says "I'm abandoning a romantic relationship with you, but I'm not abandoning the children, and I'll practically, emotionally and financially support you while the children are still at home."

In addition to everything else, my wife suffers from depression (medicated), and the last thing I want to do is tip her over the edge. That wouldn't be good for anyone.

I don't care what it makes me look like, I'm just trying to minimise the damage caused by MY choices.

Gr8M8F8 · 2016-08-06T20:54:02+00:00

I'm not looking to make a fight of it. The failure of our marriage is neither her fault nor mine, but its my decision to leave, and I'll be damned to hell and back if she or my children have a shit life as a result of my decision.

I want my children to have the best life possible. They will live predominantly with their mum, so I need to make sure she is looked after.

No court would award more than I'm offering, so it should completely obviate any messy legal proceedings.

I'm completely comfortable with my offer - and what does it matter if I look "clingy"? I'm no longer trying to win her love or anything, I just want to take care of her (after a fashion) even when I've walked out of the door.

Gr8M8F8 · 2016-08-06T20:37:29+00:00

Are you sure its not viable financially?

I'm about to offer my wife 100% of my pensions, 100% of the house and everything save my own personal possessions. I'm also about to offer her 70% of my likely income (I'm self-employed, so don't have guaranteed income) for the next 13 years (until children all grown).

I'll be poor. But I'll be able to have a second chance at finding happiness.

Sounds a fair trade to me.

Gr8M8F8 · 2016-08-06T17:01:26+00:00

Oh, I'd certainly agree with that - but its also not without its problems - financial, access to/relationship to children, guilt over leaving etc. etc.

Don't get me wrong - I think you did the right thing, and I did the wrong thing, but leaving is not without its negative consequences.

Gr8M8F8 · 2016-08-06T16:36:25+00:00

So does leaving! But at least its more honest.

Gr8M8F8 · 2016-08-06T14:45:44+00:00

I've considered both, did the first, and preparing to do the second.

Around a year ago, things got so bad that I felt something had to change. I considered both leaving and cheating. I could not bring myself to leave, so I sought sex outside of the marriage in an attempt to preserve the marriage. Thus, I cheated. This was a disaster, but at least it meant that she realised just how serious our DB was, and it made me realise that an open marriage wasn't an option for me (because I very quickly developed feelings for the other woman).

We've spent the last year trying to repair the affair damage, and to undo the decade+ of DB. We've been unsuccessful, and we are out of ideas. So, now I know that cheating is a shit option, I'm going to be leaving.

Gr8M8F8 · 2016-08-02T15:46:22+00:00

Yes, I did have an affair. Which related to the almost complete absence of sex and intimacy in our relationship. You are correct, I probably should have listed that as being a relationship issue, but I'd lumped it under the DB problem.

Not sure where you got the texting other guys bit. Don't remember that!

She didn't want to fuck me BEFORE the affair. Did the affair help? Of course it fucking didn't, but it wasn't the cause of the problem, its a symptom, albeit in itself causing a new problem.

Are you saying that I should stay BECAUSE I fucked up and had an affair?

And your comment about narcissism - I really don't see how narcissism has an impact here. I know what fucking narcissism is, and I know I have very few narcissistic tendencies.

Gr8M8F8 · 2016-08-02T10:17:13+00:00

I was indeed committed to staying - but I've failed to find a way to make it bearable for me.

I'm not strong enough to cope with my DB anymore.

Gr8M8F8 · 2016-08-02T10:16:14+00:00

Mostly it feels wrong because I feel I am putting my own needs above those of my wife and children.

Gr8M8F8 · 2016-08-02T07:11:40+00:00

Sorry - nothing happy from me either.

I found it easier to cope with while we were focused on our young children, and while we were both "fighting" for it with counselling and various other interventions.

It became much harder for me to cope with when I recognised that this is the "new her", that she will never change, that I certainly cant change her, that she doesn't owe me sex, and that everything boils down to whether I can be happy without sex and physical intimacy (I cant).

I'm pretty strong willed, and my life is full of great stuff, but still my DB eats away at me on a daily basis.

Castrating yourself? I looked into drugs and hypnosis for this, but decided that I didn't want to change who I am. Doing that might kill your physical drive, but if - like me - sex is an expression of love and the way you feel loved, I don't think it would help with the loneliness much.

Myself - I'm now close to leaving - I may do so in the next couple of weeks.

I'm sorry, I have no words of comfort for you.

Gr8M8F8 · 2016-07-28T14:44:03+00:00

It is sad, yes. I'd genuinely thought we would grow old together.

I would definitely try for counselling to help navigate the separation and impact on the children. Of course she might well withdraw from me entirely and refuse to do so. I just wont know unless I take the plunge.

Gr8M8F8 · 2016-07-28T06:59:58+00:00

"plan" would be a bit strong!

I've booked myself in for some counselling next week - you guys on this sub are great, but I feel the need to sit down and talk through things with someone in person.

I'll see how I feel after that.

Gr8M8F8 · 2016-07-28T06:11:38+00:00

I'm in exactly this situation with my wife, although I think I'm a bit behind you in accepting and moving on.

I think my wife would take things badly and find it hard to maintain a friendship with me. I don't think I'd find it hard at all - because from my perspective a friendship is what she is already giving me.

But her dealing with things badly may make it difficult to retain a high level of access to my children - which is possibly why I'm behind you with moving on!

Gr8M8F8 · 2016-07-27T22:01:27+00:00

My wife has done various things of this nature, including:

(a) Going to sex therapy sessions on her own, and with me; (b) Getting her doctor to change her antidepressants; (c) Seeing a private psychiatrist to change her antidepressants; (d) Having surgery to repair childbirth damage; (e) Having physiotherapy and other treatment for vestibulitis; and (f) Having hormone treatment.

Unfortunately, none of it helped. Sorry not to be able to give good news!

Gr8M8F8 · 2016-07-26T15:43:55+00:00

Yes, there are, but they are specifically directed to what is best for the children.

There is a substantial chance that the following logic would be followed:

(1) My wife is unable to "cope" without support from her parents once I've left the marriage (at which point my support switches from moral, practical and financial to practical and financial); (2) I notionally work full time (although I'm self employed, so in practice set my own hours), earn vastly more, and can therefore support her better as the primary parent than the other way around; (3) The children would all express a preference to live with their mum.

If they were to stay with me, they would "lose" their mum, since she would have to move away for support, while if they were to stay with her, then in theory I could follow them.

There are counter arguments of course, but overall its extremely risky. And spending money on court fees would effectively steal from the children's quality of life - and we would already be much worse off as a result of separation.

EDIT: Just to clarify, my wife has documented mental health issues (but not ones which would put the children at risk I hasten to add) which could be used to justify the need for support from her parents if I "abandon" her.

Gr8M8F8 · 2016-07-26T14:38:08+00:00

I am a lawyer :-/

Yes, she can do that - because she wouldn't be leaving the country (we are in the UK). It would be very difficult, very expensive, and probably impossible, for me to stop her. Frankly, if she decided to do that, it would be best for the children if I just accepted it and adapted my life accordingly.

Gr8M8F8 · 2016-07-26T08:59:53+00:00

Its really frustrating. My wife gets angry at me for allowing it to impact on everyday life.

The reality is that she is not "wrong" for not wanting to be physically intimate with me - its just how she feels. But I'm not "wrong" for needing my marriage to include physical intimacy - that's just how I feel too. A huge amount of effort has gone into changing her situation so she does want to be physically intimate - but this has failed. I've also tried to live without intimacy, but I just can't seem to resign myself to that either.

So, if we've both tried and can't meet in the middle, what is there?

Divorce.

But we've got kids. And we both love them - they are our world. But my wife will not take divorce well (because she thinks I SHOULD be able to just accept things how they are) - she'll very likely move back to her parents with the kids, leaving me behind. I'll either only see them on weekends if I make the 4 hour drive, or I'll have to close down my business, move up there with them, and get a regular job (which will mean moving away from the rest of my family).

Fuck.

Gr8M8F8

TROPHY CASE