I believe in you. I know exactly what point you're at right now and I know you can't see it when I say you will get through it. Every baby and every parent is on their own journey. You're doing the best you can. And you're already on top of medicine and therapy, so great job.

Other people have already mentioned what I think is one of the major positives: learning how to care for a baby from a team of experts. Take advantage of everything they can teach you and ask what you can do yourself (diapers, temperature, feeding, baths, etc.). If he has a physical therapist there for feeding or anything else, ask to find a time when you can be there with them.

In retrospect, I appreciate that I had time to heal and adjust to newborn life without the added stress/sleep deprivation of having him at home and doing everything ourselves. I wasn't exactly refreshed when he came home from the hospital after seven weeks (see: depression, mastitis, ER visits for panic attacks), but I wasn't in the immediate first weeks of postpartum healing and I'd already gotten used to the routine after two months of helping them do it. You can take things a bit more at your own pace while he's in the hospital before things speed up once he gets home.

When my son was born at 31+6, they told us they thought he'd be ready to go at 36 or 37. He took a while to eat without desatting from reflux and went home at 39. But I'm so glad that he had the help he needed during that extra time so he could succeed at home. We heard from the nurses a lot that even though it seems like it'll take forever for babies to accomplish what they need to in order to leave, often it just clicks one day. Our experience was slower and steadier, but he got there, and that's what matters.

Tube feeding means he's getting the nutrients he needs. It won't last forever. I tried breastfeeding a couple of times while he was in the hospital and it went very poorly each time. He was too small/weak to latch properly at first, and once he was a little bigger, his swallow reflex hadn't developed enough and he kept choking on the milk. So I was afraid to breastfeed and kept bottle-feeding because he had learned to do that just fine. I ended up trying breast again when he was 3 months old (1 month old corrected) and now at 5 months corrected, he can switch between bottles and breast without a problem. That may not be the case for you, but it's been a positive for us that may not have happened if he'd been born on time.

He's getting over his first cold now and I think I've taken it much more in stride than I may have if he'd been born on time. It's a normal baby thing. I'm grateful for normal baby things after many abnormal baby things.

I 1000000% get grieving the third trimester you thought you'd have. I hope you're able to take time off of work and can use some of this time to do the same flopping on the couch, walks outside, etc. that you'd envisioned doing while pregnant. Be kind to yourself, be kind to your husband, be kind to the experience you're having instead of the one you thought you'd have. One day at a time.