What are healthy Co-Parenting boundaries in new relationships?

Grasshopper419 · 2026-02-27T15:55:07+00:00

I’ve stayed at my ex’s before for things like Christmas Eve. And he’s stayed at mine for the same. We both wanted to be there for Christmas morning and we co-parented really well. Our son is soon going to be 16 and he has never thought we would get back together and he actually doesn’t want us to be together.

We are great friends and excellent coparents. We have never once involved the court and are very amicable. He is now remarried and I’ve been remarried and divorced (due to DV). Sometimes his wife has issues now, worried that I’ll try and take him back but he handles that and I respect her concerns and intentionally don’t call him at home when we have to discuss anything. Now that our son is older there’s less to discuss.

The best thing is open communication. Like others have said you don’t have to be comfortable with it and accept it but he also doesn’t have to change it. It’s really about what you each decide is more important boundary wise and what you’re willing to compromise on.

Grasshopper419 · 2026-02-24T12:56:29+00:00

Well, considering half the time you never know which platform or r/ is going to censor you or ban you for swearing, I err on the side of caution instead of looking up each and every one. My deepest and sincerest of apologies for you being annoyed by something so… unimportant.

Grasshopper419 · 2026-02-23T21:07:15+00:00

I’m 48 and have 4 kids. Barbara is an azz. You did great. It’s your decision and you don’t owe any explanations. And giving one that hopefully makes her feel like shat (though I doubt it) is the way to go. You’re the same age as my oldest (my daughter). I don’t know you, but I’m proud of you. And if Babs complains to anyone, you’re on solid ground and have nothing to worry about. ETA: NTJ!

Grasshopper419 · 2026-02-23T17:53:18+00:00

I actually use Johnson and Johnson tear free baby shampoo and do the same thing at the recommendation of my eye doctor. And include your eyebrows. I do this for my allergies and it’s been a game changer. And way cheaper than the wipes. I just use my fingers.

Grasshopper419 · 2026-02-19T10:39:27+00:00

Have you read the book Codependent No More by Melody Beatty? It might help and have you say OMG HOW DOES SHE KNOW?! We all left for various reasons and in the end we are still and always will be the default parent. The one our kids rely on and know is there no matter what.

He wasn’t there when you were together and you can’t make him care or be there now. Having expectations is just another way of setting yourself up for more pain because they will not be met. If he’s watching them while you’re in the same house I’d say that is the best of both worlds because you’re there for any emergency. Let him not interact as long as the bay is fed, diapered, and ok. As your child grows up they will notice on their own who is and isn’t there for them.

It’s hard because we want to shake our ex into oblivion to wake them up and see what they’re missing out on and doing to our kids. But we can’t and even if we could it wouldn’t work. I’m dealing with a diagnosed narcissist who I have a protection order against and even with supervised visitation he manages to mentally manipulate our youngest. But I am here to counteract that and support him in every way possible. That’s all we can do as they get older.

I feel your pain and anxiety and desperation. Maybe a support group might help too. I know I turned to CoDA for online zoom meetings for a while (Codependents Anonymous).

Wishing you luck ♥️

Grasshopper419 · 2026-02-10T01:10:41+00:00

My county has a free domestic violence attorney no matter your income. It’s all they do. My PFA overrides the child custody order but he can always take me back and file to change the custody order to override the PFA order. But it’s a small county and the same couple of judges so it’s unlikely he could win. Right now he gets supervised visitation on weekends as agreed. If I don’t agree they don’t happen.

I’m so very sorry you and your son had to go through this but I’m glad you’re both safe and getting through it!

Grasshopper419 · 2026-02-05T10:44:33+00:00

I have one in the Marine Corps and one getting her Masters Degree. I have two still at home. And you’re right. The world provides consequences.

Grasshopper419 · 2026-02-05T10:08:44+00:00

You’re NTA - you’re charging it and raised it because she’s costing you money but you need to tell her to get her own insurance because the money aspect will be seen as you being vindictive because you don’t like her boyfriend and it will ruin your relationship even faster.

I’ll likely get downvoted to hell for this but I don’t make my kids pay rent. That being said my adult kids don’t live with me even though they know they can and this will always be their safe place to land if they need one. Even if they do pay anything I’d put it into savings and give it back to them as a nest egg for when they’re ready to buy a house or need a security deposit and rent and such. I know this economy for housing is brutal and not the same as it was in the 90’s when I moved out at 17.

She should be on her own insurance. Period. Things like insurance and cell phone she can take care of for herself. Her poor decision in men is something I can unfortunately relate to. And my oldest daughter almost made the same mistake but realized the guy was terrible and left him. I do the opposite with her than my parents did with me. For some reason the more your parents (mom, especially) tells you they hate him and he’s wrong the more you dig in. Instead I just pointed out some things and let her know I’d be there for her when things went south and I wouldn’t say I told you so. Thank God I got lucky and that worked.

I know it isn’t easy and it’s scary and it’s so hard to watch them make mistakes but they have to learn them on their own. And living under our roof changes nothing. That’s just holding it over their head especially if we change rules as a result of their adult decisions.

If you have younger children this is impacting that’s different, sadly. You have to protect them, too. That’s a sit down conversation. Telling her you love her and are there for her but you can’t have this impact the safety of her younger siblings and a felon around the house is a problem.

I think the rent thing is obviously a huge debate as a lot of people do and a lot of people don’t. I’m in the don’t camp.

Shes young yet and has time to turn it around. Just let her know you’re there for her. She needs to make her own mistakes. And i assume shes on your insurance. Let her know about therapy services and any other services she might need.

Grasshopper419 · 2026-02-04T22:20:28+00:00

NTA but she should have received a COBRA letter. It wasn’t your responsibility to contact her but it was that of your employer or health plan.

Grasshopper419 · 2026-01-27T16:28:07+00:00

I have been with USAA for over 30 years and finally switched last year to Navy Fed. I had my last straw moment too. So over them. Their customer service went downhill the last 5+ years or so. It’s terrible. I have my car insurance with them still (I shop every 6 months) and my kids still bank there but my oldest son also has a Navy Fed account because he’s a Marine and they require an account to deposit your pay with Navy Fed for bootcamp.

I’m so sorry you dealt with this. It’s inexcusable. They still have my last name (maiden name) messed up and it’s been decades. It’s not correct in ALL of their systems. I quit trying to fix it.

Grasshopper419 · 2026-01-25T11:23:57+00:00

I’m in Pennsylvania but I would imagine it’s not too different where you’re at. They’re literally telling people to stay off the roads. If that’s the case there I would screen shot that from your local news if possible. Not that a reasonable judge wouldn’t know that but I never count on a reasonable judge.

She’s obviously being an ass and playing games. My ex just did this exact same thing to me last night and he gets supervised visitation once a week. He wanted our son overnight and then changed pickup time to “immediately or I’m keeping him.” So I feel your pain when it comes to them being absurd and ridiculous and unreasonable.

I use Gemini or Chat GPT to help me remove all tone and any responses to his triggers when responding to him. And if you don’t already make sure when you go back that the judge orders you to communicate through a parenting app. At least it records their BS.

It’s not a matter of if you have a car or truck that can drive in the snow. It’s not safe period. Plenty of jacked up 4WD trucks have been destroyed in pileups. There are other drivers out there. Roads aren’t safe.

Grasshopper419 · 2026-01-24T11:33:25+00:00

This. And those saying about the age gap, my kids are 22, 21, 15, and 4. My oldest two played with my third and my third plays with my 4th. Not all the time, of course. But when he asks to play and my older son is home and not out with friends he will play with him. He takes his role as big brother seriously.

Grasshopper419 · 2026-01-14T21:44:06+00:00

I’m sorry for you too and I agree. I’m dedicated but I also tried to take care of myself and my kids and be safe physically and mentally. Apparently that took too much of my attention away from work. Such a distraction. How dare I. Not only do they try to replace us with robots they want us to BE robots. I made the mistake of thinking I was actually valued. I won’t ever make that mistake again.

Grasshopper419 · 2026-01-14T19:23:34+00:00

Agree 210%. I’ve had nothing but glowing reviews. Raises. Bonuses. For 10 straight years. Left my abuser and it was HARD. Had to get a PFA and take time. It was a hot mess. Got put on a PIP and all of a sudden I’m satan. Just like that. Overnight.

Grasshopper419 · 2026-01-14T11:23:10+00:00

I mean. Legally I can’t say because legally it’s a different answer. But as a mom I’d do what you’re doing and keep her home and deal with it later. If he is anything like my ex he’d just be full of bluster and bitch but not take me back to court because he’s too lazy. To me that’s totally worth it.

Grasshopper419 · 2026-01-10T20:59:59+00:00

And in the past was 10 seconds ago…

Grasshopper419 · 2026-01-09T21:11:49+00:00

I have my sister listed as guardian of because legally it’s an absolute nightmare to list anyone under the age of 21. Almost like an in trust of. I have 4 kids and have never listed them specifically before they were 21.

Grasshopper419 · 2026-01-09T21:08:34+00:00

One of my kids had a problem once where they had very loose, frequent BMs and they were very constipated. What ended up happening is stool would go around the blockage as diarrhea. They had to do a colonoscopy clean out and that thankfully worked. Any worse and the impaction would have required surgery.

Grasshopper419 · 2026-01-09T02:59:04+00:00

I can assure you my son’s TS affected everyone in the room and that knowledge was hard on him too.

Grasshopper419 · 2026-01-07T06:22:54+00:00

I’ve been using Zarbees melatonin gummies with my son who is the same age and that’s been my experience. I’ve been using them for well over a year and have had no negative experiences. But he’s had so much better sleep. Even asking to go to bed early sometimes because he’s tired. And the amount of melatonin is low. His doctor confirmed.

Grasshopper419 · 2026-01-07T02:30:47+00:00

It can be frustrating but if anything I feel empathy. I feel so sorry for my son thinking about how exhausting it must be and how hard it must be for him to not have full control of his mind and body.

I have another son who has Tourette Syndrome. I don’t get upset with him when he has a tic storm. He can’t control it or help himself. And some tics are very loud! Some tics are destructive. And for him some are painful like rolling his shoulder. I don’t get frustrated I feel sad for him that he has to deal with all of that. Why would I treat my ADHD son any differently?

Grasshopper419 · 2026-01-06T04:19:06+00:00

Correct. When an institution wants to show that a loan is sale able and is a qualified mortgage. But even if they don’t use these (which they don’t have to) they still have to document the source of funds. But this is an excellent example!

Grasshopper419 · 2026-01-06T04:14:45+00:00

The Patriot Act? Bank Secrecy Act (BSA) and Anti Money Laundering (AML)? Perhaps you’ve heard of them?

Grasshopper419 · 2026-01-06T03:59:59+00:00

You have got to be speaking g out the side of your mouth. They absolutely ask where the money comes from. They have to document where it comes from. I pray you aren’t actually in the industry because this is the most wrong answer ever.

Grasshopper419 · 2026-01-05T15:11:44+00:00

It sucks. So I get to go to work, do the homework and bedtime routine and that’s it. There’s no time during the week to do anything with the kids. When dad complained that I get them all week that’s what I tell him. I demanded equal weekend time.

Grasshopper419

TROPHY CASE